Winter Winds (32 page)

She took the money with wide eyes. Would she ever get used to having so much? “I’m going to get a massage.” She gulped down a giggle. “They make you take off your clothes.”

Barney took her chin in his hand. “Just remember, sweetheart.

You belong to me.” He gave her one last hard kiss, then strode out the door.

Joanne hugged herself. Life like those TV shows could be hers after all, she thought, and the reason was Barney.

She was falling in love.

D
ORI TURNED TO
T
REV
as they walked up the aisle of the deserted church after the welcome party It had gone better than she’d expected. People had been so kind and friendly to her that the conversation had flowed without her having to contribute much. She’d just smiled and nodded and agreed that Trev was indeed wonderful.

“How do you do it?” she asked.

“Do what?” He took her coat from her and held it out. She slid into it.

“Talk all evening like that.”

He looked blank.

“It’s like you always know just what to say.”

He shook his head as he started to zip her coat for her. It was obvious he didn’t understand what she meant. “There’s no great secret here. You just talk about whatever comes to your mind.”

She pushed at his hands. “I can zip my own coat.”

He continued to pull the zipper up. “I know. I taught you how.”

“You did not. I knew how to do that long before I came to live with you.”

“Well, I would have taught you if I’d been around.”

She rolled her eyes. “But
what
do you talk about?”

He shrugged and zipped his Lands’ End jacket over his cobalt blue sweater. “Stuff.”

She gave him the evil eye. “That’s a big help.”

He laughed. It was strange that she’d forgotten how adept he was socially. She walked into a room and saw people as threatening challenges. Somehow she had to figure out what to talk to them about, and that was hard enough when you knew the people. It was murder when you didn’t. Trev walked into a room, any room, and everyone was his instant friend. Conversation never lagged.

“I bet you love cocktail parties.” It was an accusation.

He nodded. “Except pastors don’t end up at too many cocktail parties.”

“Then church socials like tonight.”

“I love church socials. It’s a great time to get to know my people.”

His people. Interesting. Another sign of the way he looked at life these days. She remembered when making himself happy was his chief goal, and partying was an end in itself. Of course, it was most people’s goal at nineteen and twenty, left over from being teenagers when the world revolved around you and your search for happiness. She remembered angst from those years. He probably remembered fun.

Like the time Alyson Bailey had a big party, and Dori wasn’t invited. Now a certified social outcast, she had died a thousand deaths over her exclusion. Trev, also not invited because he had dated Alyson once and never again in spite of her dogged pursuit, threw his own party for all the non-inviteds. He had a wonderful time, and in retrospect she realized his party was a great success. She, however, had been too conscious of the fact that everyone present was also a party pariah to enjoy herself.

She could definitely be a glass-is-half-empty girl.

She suspected that this tendency toward melancholia was what made forgiving Trev so difficult. Her standard for herself was perfection with everything done to the best of her ability. Since perfection was impossible, she spent a lot of her time berating herself and trying harder and harder to meet her own standards. In spite of the fact that she failed regularly and knew it, imperfection in others was as hard to accept as was her own, especially from someone she loved so fiercely.

Somewhere there had to be someone who could satisfy her need for doing right, being right, and acting right. When Trev had failed so spectacularly, she hadn’t been able to accept that this man she loved, this man who was supposed to make up for all her flaws, had feet of clay. That he hurt her so badly when she planned to spend her life doing everything she could to make him happy was what made her reaction to his breach of promise so strong. It also made letting go of the horrendous hurt so impossible for her.

Not that she liked this overly touchy part of her personality. Many times growing up she wished she were more like Trev. Not Phil. He took living the fun life a bit too far for her. But Trev always seemed to know what to say and when to back off. What a gift, especially for a pastor.

“Well, I’m not good at gatherings like this evening’s,” she said, pulling her red gloves on.

“You did great, Dori. You had them eating out of your hand.”

She shrugged. “I like it when there’s a specific purpose to a get-together.”

“Mingling and getting to know each other isn’t specific enough?”

She shook her head. “I like to know what we’re going to be talking about. I like to know exactly what is expected of me. Then I can perform as I should. Like at the store. People come in, and we talk product and purpose. ‘You’re looking for a gift? What’s the occasion? Your mother’s birthday? Her fiftieth? How about a nice—’ And we’re on our way.”

“Then where’s your spontaneity?”

“My what?” she asked with a self-deprecating smile.

He laughed and gave her a gentle hug. “Believe it or not, I always admired your sensitivity and tender heart.”

“What?”

“I’ve watched you with Ryan. You are so kind and understanding with him.”

“You’re not so bad yourself.”

He waved her comment away. “I gave him Jack.”

“You gave him a lot more than Jack.”

“And remember Gail Mercer?”

Dori did, though she hadn’t thought of her in years. Gail was a sad girl, a pariah in junior high school. She didn’t dress right, bathe regularly, or even brush her teeth half the time. Her father was in jail, and her mother was rumored to be the town prostitute.

“You were always so nice to her. I couldn’t even stand to be near her—she smelled half the time—and—”

“She thought you were so cute.”

“—you would purposely sit by her.”

“I always felt sorry for her.”

“See? That’s what I mean. And there was Fat Alma.”

“Trev!”

He shrugged. “That’s what the guys all called her.”

“I know. So did she.”

“See? That’s what I mean. As I’ve grown in the Lord, I’ve tried to model myself after that part of you.”

She stared, openmouthed. She couldn’t have been more astonished. Surely this was Trev, teasing as usual. But one look at his face in the dim emergency lights told her he was serious.

He opened the door for her. The wind whipped in and suddenly the two-block walk home seemed more like two miles. She pulled her red beret low on her head, forsaking chic for warmth.

Trev carefully checked to be certain the door was locked behind them. As they began walking, he took her hand.

“You always impressed me because you cared for people,” he said. “Because you could talk issues, substance. I just tell stories and make people laugh. Remember how Pop used to despair that Phil or I’d ever have a deep thought in our heads? You, on the other hand, have always thought deeply and made everyone else think. You delve down, and I skim the top. That’s probably why you became a Christian in high school, and I didn’t until I had no choice.”

Skim the top?
She thought of the stack of books by his chair. “Six years has changed you a lot, Trev. I doubt that you skim anything anymore.”

He grinned. “Dull and pedantic, that’s me.”

“Yeah, right.” Trev couldn’t be dull if he tried. He was the one who had always brought joy to her life as they were growing up.
She’d fall into one of her despairing moods, and he’d make it his goal to make her laugh. As far as she could remember, he’d always succeeded. “Don’t worry. You still tell stories better than anyone I know, and you can still charm the birds from the trees when you set your mind to it.”

“How about a shopkeeper from California?” he asked softly.

A short electric silence vibrated between them while she searched wildly for an answer. No thought emerged as he bent and kissed her, a soft kiss full of yearning and love.

When he pulled back, she stared up at him, mouth dry, heart pounding. More and more every day, every hour, every minute, she wanted to be with him forever. She watched him with Ryan, doing everything he could to make the boy feel safe and secure. She watched him pray at any moment and listened to him pray for her specifically. She saw his interaction with his congregation. She’d heard him be compassionate with Shannon and firm with Bob and Penni. She agreed more and more with the assessment of Clooney, the beach bum.

“You got a good man here, Mrs. Trevelyan. He’s God’s man through and through.”

There were only two problems standing in the way. She was no longer God’s woman, and there was the pink elephant standing firmly between them. She blinked and looked away from him, uncertain how to fix either.

“We’ve got to talk about it, Dori,” he said with that uncanny ability to read her.

“I know. It just scares me so. I like how things are going between us. I-I like being with you.” She
loved
being with him. “I even like Seaside. I’m afraid talking will upset everything. I’m afraid we’ll lose what we’ve found. I’m afraid—of myself.” The last was a whisper.

“I guess I’ve got more faith in you that you do,” he said. “You’re not nineteen anymore. You’re older, wiser. I’m older, different. Whatever it is, we can work through it. I know we can.”

Wasn’t she the one who said she liked specifics to talk about? Well, here was as specific a topic as ever there was. The words to explain, to ask for his explanation, crowded her throat, clawing for release, but she couldn’t, just couldn’t make herself risk saying them.

They walked a full block in silence as she swallowed and swallowed and swallowed, choking the dangerous words down. She closed her eyes in distress and disgust. Sometimes she disappointed herself so much!

“Dori?” he finally said, his voice encouraging and hopeful.

With false brightness she said, “I noticed that Jonathan and Judy didn’t come to the party tonight. He’s out to get you, you know.”

Trev smiled wryly at her change of topic but didn’t push. She wasn’t sure whether she was grateful or dismayed.

He nodded. “I’ve known since I came here that someday we’d have trouble, he and I.”

“Beware the man at the airport?”

He nodded again. “He’s chased the last three pastors away.”

“Why am I not surprised? How does he do it?”

“He learns stuff.”

“Stuff?”

“Dirt, or what he twists into dirt, about the pastors.”

“Like?”

“My immediate predecessor had trouble with porno on the Internet when he was younger. He had a nanny program on their computer that only his wife had the password for.”

“But that’s wise,” Dori said.

“I think so, too, but Jonathan made the man sound like a pervert.”

Dori stopped abruptly and turned to face her husband. “What will he do to you?”

Trev grinned. “Me? I have no secrets.”

Dori winced. “What happens if Jonathan pushes for you to leave? Does he have enough power to get the congregation to vote you out? And wouldn’t that mean an ugly fight?”

He looked up and studied the sky like the answers to her questions were written there. “I don’t know. All I know is that I don’t want to leave Seaside anytime soon. I’d like to become the permanent pastor now that my personal life is back on track. Or at least going in that direction.”

“Are you sure that’s not just your stubbornness talking?”

“What? You think I’m stubborn?” He affected shock. Then he
turned serious. “I’m not being stubborn, Dori-girl. I’ve known for a long time that if I stayed here, there would come a day when my personal issues would surface. That day is probably here. Maybe I’ll survive. Maybe I won’t. All I know is that I love Seaside Chapel and its people. Until God shows me differently, I’m here.”

“Sort of like Martin Luther at his heresy trial? ‘Here I stand, so help me God’?”

“Sort of. This morning I read a psalm that said it all: ‘I wait quietly before God, for my salvation comes from him.’ And listen to this part. ‘To them I’m just a broken-down wall or a tottering fence. They plan to topple me from my high position. They delight in telling lies about me. They are friendly to my face, but they curse me in their hearts.’ ”

“That sounds all too applicable, at least where Jonathan is concerned,” Dori said.

“ ‘My salvation and my honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.’ ” Trev shrugged as they walked up the front walk to their house. “We just have to trust the Lord to take care of us.”

She stopped, looking out into the cold, blustery night. “Your commitment to God is like the winter winds, isn’t it, blowing everything else before it?”

He thought for a moment. “Winter winds are capricious,” he finally said. “They blow where they want, when they want, and as hard as they want. In that sense I hope my commitment to the Lord is more constant. But you’re right in that it blows so strong and hard that it’s impossible to miss. Loving the Lord with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength is a consuming thing. But it’s in loving Him with all that’s in us that we become people unafraid to risk loving and serving others, even men like Jonathan.”

“So what about when you take that risk, and it backfires? Where’s God then?” She heard the edge in her voice and didn’t care. God and Trev already knew how she felt.

“Right where He always was, beside you, waiting to pick up the pieces and fill in the holes left by the people who failed you.” Trev looked at her with compassion. “You do realize that people will inevitably fail you, don’t you? It may not be on purpose, but no one can be everything to someone. No one can be perfect.”

She knew he was no longer talking about Jonathan, but himself. “But you should be able to trust the people you love.” Unexpected tears sprang to her eyes.