Authors: Peter Geye
“I'm not fishing for compliments.” He smiled almost to the point of blushing and then turned to gaze out the window.
After a while he said, “I was thinking about my dad an awful lot today. Especially standing on that boat.”
“I thought of him, too.”
Another moment passed.
“I was also thinking today about our walk up to the Devil's Maw, Berit. About what you said.”
Now I turned to look at him.
“About my father keeping some secret from you. And how that made you feel.”
I kept my eyes on him until he faced me. “What about it?” I asked.
“You're not the only one he kept secrets from. That's all.”
“I guess we all have some.”
“You sure do,” he said, then gave me another weak smile.
“Not so many as you might think,” I said.
Now it was Gus keeping his eyes on me.
“What?” I said.
“Downstairs just now, I said life didn't make any more sense now than it did on that day Dad disappeared. But, still, I think I understand it better. Can those things both be true at the same time?”
“I'm a small-town girl, Gus. I never went to college. Never traveled the world. I wouldn't have an answer to that question.”
“You've never fooled me, though.”
I smiled.
“Tell me that story, Berit. The one that started all of this. Tell me that, and then I promise we can move back to the here and now.”
“I knew this was coming. It had to. I'm glad you see that, too.”
“So you'll tell me?”
“No, I won't. I can't.” I took my purse from my shoulder, opened it, and removed the envelope I'd been carrying around in there for weeks. “Maybe I should've told you all this back in November, when Harry vanished.”
He took the envelope and flipped the unsealed flap open. “What's this?”
“It's something I wrote down for you. Things I didn't think I could tell you. Maybe this will help you understand.”
Y
OUR FATHER
and I didn't speak often of what happened to his own father, though I recall those conversations very well, and one in particular. We were sitting on his deck on a late-spring afternoon. This was some ten years after the Riverfish brothers rescued the two of you. The Burnt Wood was surging with snowmelt and two days and nights of wild rain. We could feel it thundering through our bodies even a hundred feet away. Your father cradled his coffee in his hands, his eyes fixed on the river. He was quiet. As always, he was quiet.
I watched him staring at the river, then watched it myself. I remember thinking what a raucous and beautiful thing it was. And how patient it was, too. It had flowed for thousands of years to make itself as it was just then. I'd seen it freeze and thaw and freeze and thaw over and over, year after year, and this was only the merest fraction of its existence over those millennia. What a beautiful notion this was.
As he did so often, your father read my mind. “I was reading a book by Louis Agassiz last night,” he said.
“Was he a scientist?”
“That's right. He thought there was once an enormous sea here. It was called Lake Agassiz.”
“Back in the Ice Age?”
He nodded.
“I believe I've read about that myself,” I said. “What of it?”
“You think it's true?”
“That this land was once a sea?”
He nodded again.
“I do, yes.”
“Think it will be again someday?”
“Someday?” I said, and caught him with my smile. “The way that river's running, it might be as soon as this weekend.”
Precisely then we heard a terrific boom. We flinched simultaneously and looked hard through the mist and saw a lump of ice the size of a misshapen truck that had rolled out and flattened several trees on the other shore.
“My goodness,” I said.
“Let's have a look.”
We walked across the clearing and stood on the river's edge, which was some thirty feet higher than it would be come August. The water was one long manic sault, churning and lapping furiously back on itself. Countless chunks of ice were coursing down the current, but this massive piece that must've calved from the falls upriver was now dragging the felled trees along with it, completely at odds with its essence, but in fact no different from the livid river itself. It was the same stuff, after all.
I could see from the look on your father's face that this ice troubled him, too. As if he'd seen a ghost. He stared at it for a long time before saying, “I never thanked you.”
This perplexed me. “Thank me?”
“For those fried potatoes.”
I must have looked stunned.
“On the day we first met.”
“I know what you're talking about,” I told him.
Now, understand, my memory is a cursed thing. It grabs hold of everything without my say. It always has. And it stays with me. I sometimes have trouble remembering where I put my teacup, but I can tell you exactly what I wore to Rebekah Grimm's funeral. Exactly who was there and what the pastor said. I can recall whole conversations with my mother from sixty years ago. In many ways it has been unfair, going through life not being able to forget. But what is sometimes a curse also allows me to conjure up the story of what happened to your own father when he was still just a boy. It was, I am sure, the prologue to all his life after.
It happened on a morning in February, an easterly wind blowing cold across the lake. The sun rose over low clouds. Snow was in the offing from the east, as it had come overnight and would again that morning, blowing up off the lake and over the breakwater. But just then the sky above was blue and unbitter, and your father and his father, Odd, hauled their toboggan out from the cove. I cocked my ear to the ceiling above and listened for the sound of Rebekah's arthritic feet crossing the floor.
I sorted the mail, keeping one eye on your father as he augured holes a quarter mile offshore. I watched them sit on the upturned buckets and drop their lines in the water as I slid letters into boxes and wondered why, after nearly a month here in Gunflint, I'd never seen that boyâyour fatherâanywhere but out on the ice.
At nine o'clock I went upstairs and made tea for Rebekah, as I did each morning. She stood, as she nearly always did, at the window, her fingertips touching the glass, her head down, and her eyes fixed on the lake. She turned when she heard me. “Oh,” she said. It was the first thing I'd heard from her in weeks. Maybe it was meant as thanks.
At ten o'clockâI know this surely, because I can still hear the soft ten gongs of the grandfather clockâit started happening. And though I saw it with my own eyes, I've always remembered it through your father's.
First, the
crack.
From nowhere and like gunshot, which it might as well have been. Folks in town heard it carried in by the wind. I heard it even inside the apothecary. Your father was hurled onto the landfast ice, his father in the opposite direction. Odd landed on his gut, looked up, and saw the ice breaking before him as though exploded from beneath. He clambered to his knees just in time to duck a swell. After wiping the water from his face, he turned back to Harry. Already the ice stood jagged between them. Like a stone fence or a range of mountains in miniature.
Odd surveyed the lake as it was opening up all around him, ice floes colliding and cleaving with an urgency he could not believe. In all his years he'd never seen anything remotely like it. Neither had your father, of course. At that age, he hadn't seen much that Odd had not seen right alongside him.
On one great swell and then another, the block of ice that Odd was on floated out toward open water that thirty seconds before had been frozen solid. When a third wave broke, his ice block was halved and he had to scramble to stay out of the water. He held his balance and glanced down at his feet, one of his boots now missing. On a still-intact sheet of ice, water spewed through the fishing hole he had augured just a couple hours earlier.
Your father gazed up at the sky above his father and saw clouds dashing across the dull blue as fast as the lake ice was coming apart. He watched his father fall to his knees and then stand again to look back at him. Harry had a rope in his hand and was throwing it hopelessly into the wind. He was bawling, but his father never could've heard him.
Odd was floored once more and once more stood. He watched your father hurrying toward shore.
The floe yawed again and Odd was dropped a final time. He removed his mittens and clawed at the ice until his fingers bled, but there was nothing to seize hold of. The water was growing even bigger, and some cruel, ungodly force was pushing him farther out even as all the powers of nature ought to have been bringing him in.
The townsfolk were quick to act. Nils Bargaard and two of his sons pushed their skiff across the harbor ice and met Harry before he made the breakwater. By the time they were in open water, Mr. Veilleux was lowering the town tender from its launch. Two other boats were searching before I took an accounting of all that was happening. Once tallied, I went upstairs to give Rebekah the news.
But she hadn't budged from the window except to raise her chin. I went to stand beside her. If she noticed me, there was no sign of it. I watched as the boats plied the water, searching. I saw your father brace himself in the bow of the Bargaard boat. Even from so far away I could see his frantic eyes. Or perhaps I was only imagining them. He searched and hollered and cursed God.
There was much desperate searching that day. Only the old men stayed ashore. As did the Aas clan, who leaned against the cable on the breakwater to watch as the boats crisscrossed open water and the snow began in earnest. They kept cruising for hours, until, one at a time, they came in. By noonâthe lake mellowing, the snow falling harder by the quarter hourâthe only vessel left on the water was the one that had gone out first. Nils steered the outboard, his sons praying and searching from either side of the boat. And your father? Harry stood on the forward thwart whispering, “Papa, Papa, Papa.”
It was dark when those four pushed the Bargaard skiff back across the harbor ice. I was locking the front door when I saw them coming. They put the boat ashore and walked up the Lighthouse Road and came straight to me. Mr. Bargaard in front, then your father flanked by the two Bargaard boys. The younger boy carried a single boot.
I unlocked and opened the door and stepped aside as they walked in. Mr. Bargaard said not a word, only brushed some snow from your father's coat and held his shoulders for a long moment, stunned silent by his downturned eyes. Then the Bargaards turned to go. The younger boy left the boot on the floor next to your father.
This is when I first met him. Your father was sixteen years old. So was I.
He looked up at me after I'd returned from closing the door. “Would it be too much,” he said, “to ask for a cup of coffee?”
I nodded and went up to the kitchen on the third floor. Rebekah was no longer at the window. I don't know where she was just then. I put the water on. I diced a potato and put it in a frying pan with a spoonful of bacon fat from a jar I kept in the icebox. I made a roast-beef sandwich and cut a pickle in half and waited for the water to boil. When it did, I poured it over the grounds and stirred the potato until it was done frying. I sprinkled salt and pepper over the skillet, then poured a coffee cup full and set it on a tray with the sandwich and pickle and scooped the potato onto the plate and carried it downstairs. All that time, I'd been crying for the boy I now thought of as an orphan waiting for his coffee downstairs.
When I got to the bottom of the stairs I saw Rebekah standing off to the side. I couldn't tell if your father had noticed her. She followed me as I crossed the floor and placed the tray on the window seat.
“I made you something to eat,” I said, wiping my tears with a handkerchief I kept tucked in my dress sleeve.
Your father looked up at the tray of food and picked up the mug and took a sip of it and then unfolded the napkin and tucked it into his shirt collar. “Thank you.”
I turned to watch as Rebekah stepped forward, her chin upheld. Now your father looked at her. She nudged me aside and bent down to lift the wet boot. She stared at it for a long time and then said to him, “Who are you?”
The snow had melted off your father's coat and pooled on the bench and floor beneath him.
“Who are you?” Rebekah asked again.
This time, when your father didn't answer, she turned to me and said, “See to it this mess is cleaned up before you retire for the evening.” Then she walked back to the staircase and went up.
This town has always been good at having secrets, and terrible at keeping them. As I sat behind the counter watching your father finish the last potatoes, I realized I'd been wrong while I stood over the stove just half an hour before. He was no orphan. He was eating supper in his mother's parlor. How easily lies pass as truth. How easily we overlook what is obvious and plain to see.
What I didn't fail to see that evening, what has been the one sure thing in my long life, was that your father's grief in that hourâthough I felt it as surely as if it were my ownâwould not be the saddest part of this day. Not for me.
I watched him wipe his mouth with the napkin, lay it on the tray, and lower his head. I crossed the room again and gathered the tray and brought it up to the kitchen. Rebekah was back at the window, looking out into the starless, moonless night. What did she see in that darkness? Odd, no doubt. But what else?
Did she see her son crossing under the streetlights? Did she see him ducking into the alleyway past the Traveler's Hotel? That's surely what he did, your father. For when I went back downstairs he was gone. Only the puddle of melted snow remained.
Here's what I knew right then: As long as your father was alive and still living here, I would be, too. And however long it might be, I would wait. I would wait for him as Rebekah had. The only difference was that I would not go crazy while doing it.
And I didn't. I was also right about that. These stories that we live and die by, I've learned this much about them: They never do begin and they certainly never end. They live on in the minds of old ladies and locked in antique safes, in portraits on a wall and in renovated boats sitting on a lawn. Somewhere, deep in the Quetico, there's one pile of ash and another of bones. They, too, are just stories.
Why have we told them? You to me and now me to you? We've told them because we need proof of love, and that's what they are. More than anything, they are exactly that.