"No, it's fine, true, I don't want you to feel badly." Gilbert pulled away from Marcel's embrace enough to look up at him. "I know the trip was important for your research and that you enjoyed it. I've just—been out of sorts lately."
Marcel scrutinized his face, trying to figure out if Gilbert really was fine. There was definitely something preying on his mind, which Marcel revolved to get to bottom of sooner than later. But the overwhelming sadness was in Gilbert's eyes, not erased but hidden away again.
"If you're sure." Marcel reached out and ruffled his fingers through Gilbert's hair, causing Gilbert to, as he always did, step back with a scowl and huff of indignation. Marcel chuckled at the look Gilbert's face. "So are any of your sisters at the palace today?"
"Out of luck, unfortunately." Gilbert led the way towards the door. "Charlotte is readying her troops to move back up to the Northern border. And Henri is trying to convince stuffy academics over at the University at Colline to take her new cataloging system for the library seriously. They should both be at the Christmas ball, though, unless Charlotte decided to move her troops out early."
"Your father said we should announce the engagement at the Christmas ball." It was a genius idea to bring back up the tenuous subject of their marriage. Marcel felt like kicking himself as soon as the sentence had left his mouth.
Gilbert paused as they came into one of the smaller sitting rooms. For a long moment, Marcel thought he wasn't going to answer. "Yes," Gilbert finally said. "Yes, that might be a good idea."
Idiot.
They had spent less than two hours in each other's company since Marcel's return to Challant and in that time Marcel had mostly succeeded in upsetting Gilbert one way or another. He needed to get his head out of his own backside and remember how to be Gilbert's friend and nothing more. Gilbert was right; he had been gone for far too long if he couldn't even remember to do that.
For lack of anything better to do while he berated himself, Marcel settled on one of the couches.
"I've never seen that arm before."
Gilbert's soft words startled Marcel out of his bout of self-loathing, and he looked just as Gilbert settled beside him on the couch.
"Is it new?"
"It is, actually." He was fairly very close now, so Marcel concentrated on the prosthetic arm in question. It was indeed one of his new ones, and he was fairly impressed that Gilbert, who was not the most fashion forward of people, had noticed.
He had been born without his left arm and with his right leg twisted and unable to grow muscle properly. For most of his childhood, he'd gone without a replacement arm, but as an adult he enjoyed commissioning prosthetics as accessories for his outfits.
This one was porcelain, completely useless functionally but a beautiful piece of art. It was sculpted to look like a perfect human arm and hand out of fine white china, and it was painted with a dark blue cascade of flower blossoms that fell from his shoulder all the way to the tips of his fingers. His only regret about the piece was that it was cold enough outside that he was forced to cover most of it underneath a matching blue silk shirt and storm-grey jacket.
"It's beautiful." Gilbert reached out to touch the hand lightly, and when Marcel nodded approval, he took it between both of his own hands.
"One of my new ones." Marcel watched Gilbert inspect it with mild amusement. "I have several you've never seen."
"I can't wait to see them, then, although I do have a hard time understanding why you choose to wear ones that you can't manipulate in some way."
"Vanity."
Gilbert laughed out loud at that, and oh, but Marcel wanted this to be flirting. He wanted to kiss Gilbert, sink the fingers of his good hand into Gilbert's hair, make them both tremble...
A servant pushed the door open carrying a tray that he then set on the low table in front of them. The arrival of tea and cake distracted Gilbert enough that Marcel was able to shift discreetly on the couch.
"Here." Gilbert put a small plate with a piece of fruitcake in front of Marcel, licking crumbles of cake off his fingers, and Marcel avoided looking at him.
Gilbert poured them both tea and then sat back, tipping his face towards the ceiling. "What a mess it has all been over the last few months. Although," he seemed to brighten slightly and looked over at Marcel, "you should see the new college buildings. They're coming along splendidly. It won't be long now before we can open."
"Yes, I hope to see it soon." And search out the rest of the little new sciences scholars. He had some questions that needed answering, Marcel thought, watching Gilbert become withdrawn again. If anyone knew what was going on with Gilbert, it would be one of them. Probably Gregory, who had the uncanny knack of knowing about gossip-worthy things almost before they happened. He also was quite close with Gilbert, not as close as Marcel, of course, but if something had happened while Marcel had been away, Gregory would know.
Marcel sipped his tea. He needed to unpack and get his affairs in order, but then after that he was going to pay the Marquis de la Marche a visit.
*~*~*
"I am going to be officially engaged." Only in his shirtsleeves, Marcel knelt on the floor unpacking books he'd been storing at his sister's country house while he'd been away.
"What?" Julian turned from where he'd been gazing out of the window. "You're what?"
"Going to be engaged." Marcel smirked up at him. He felt incredibly pleased with himself to be able to say it out loud to someone. "To Gilbert." He watched Julian's eyes widen almost comically in his too-pretty face and struggled not to laugh. The whole engagement might be a mess, but it felt good to be able to say that and have it be true and not just another wishful fantasy.
"What!" Julian came to kneel beside Marcel. "Don't tell me you've finally convinced him to accept your feelings? Not after all these years of pining."
"I … well, no." Marcel's smile dropped, his good mood vanishing. He looked down at the book in his hands, rubbing his finger along its leather bound spine. "The emperor summoned me to the palace and told me we were to be engaged, Gilbert and I."
"Well." Julian's squeezed Marcel's shoulder. "Best of luck with that, although isn't it going to be hard? Being married to him, feeling the way you do but knowing he does not feel the same?"
Marcel leaned into the touch, letting his head rest against Julian's shoulder for a moment. Julian's arm slid around his shoulders, holding Marcel close. "Yes," he said after a long moment. "But I can't imagine living with anyone else, building a household with anyone else, perhaps even raising a child if we wished to adopt. For me, it has only ever been him."
"I know." Julian's voice was tinged with sympathy, and Marcel briefly felt his lips brush against the side of his temples before Julian let him go, reaching down to pick up one of the books and put it on Marcel's bookshelf. "I just don't want to see you get hurt." His voice was low, and Marcel sat up and twisted around so he could see the pensive expression on Julian's face. "I worry about you. I know you are so in love with him, always have been, but if he does not want this …"
"Don't." Marcel stood, paced across the room, not wanting to hear it. It was painful to have Julian even suggest that Gilbert would hurt him, that it wouldn't work, doubly so because Marcel knew Julian was right and this complicated, crazy affair was probably going to end in disaster.
"I'm sorry," Julian said from behind him. "But I don't want you get hurt or be trapped in a loveless marriage." There was a rustle as Julian stood, and Marcel thought of Julian's parents and the home they'd built on bitterness and despair, his anger draining away as he did so. He turned back around and held out his arms, and Julian went to him easily, wrapping his own arms around Marcel's waist. "I want you to be happy," he said into Marcel's shoulder.
"I know." Marcel let himself reach up and card his fingers through Julian's blond curls. "I want that for you as well."
Julian laughed a little and pulled back to look at Marcel with such open fondness that it made Marcel's breathe catch. What had been sexual between them was never meant to last forever, but Marcel hoped to always have Julian's friendship in his life. Learning forward, he let himself kiss those sweet lips because this would be the last time.
"Just take care of yourself," Julian said when they parted, cupping Marcel's face between his hands. "Promise me if it doesn't work you will walk away. Even if the emperor refuses to annual the marriage, promise me you will at least try to move on." He leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Marcel's. "Try to win his heart, yes, but if he can't return your feelings, don't pine forever, please."
Marcel wasn't sure he was capable of walking away from something he'd wanted for as long as he'd wanted Gilbert, but he nodded, face so close to Julian's he could feel Julian's breath against his cheek.
"And remember I will always be here," Julian's hand tightened. "If you need me or need some place to retreat to, you can always come to me, not matter what happens."
There was nothing Marcel could possibly say to that, especially since he knew Julian meant it completely.
Thank you
seemed so little a thing to say to something like this, but still he was grateful, not just for this but everything Julian had put up with over the last few years. "You are too good to me." He pulled Julian close into a hug again. "If there is anything I can do to repay this …"
"Don't." Julian laughed and slid out of his grip. "You have nothing to repay, idiot." He sobered. "Just promise."
Marcel sighed and rubbed his fingers through his hair. "I promise."
"Good." Julian kissed him lightly on the cheek. "And my best wishes for your upcoming engagement. Now, if you will excuse me, I have some errands to run."
"Of course." Marcel squeezed Julian's hand before letting him go and watching as Julian collected his things to leave. With a sigh, he turned back to his half-full bookcase. He needed to meet with Gregory, but he wasn't sure if he could take having another one of his friends reminding him of how little a chance he had with Gilbert. Leaving the books on the floor, Marcel walked over to the settee, flopping down on to it and staring up at the ceiling.
It was such a mess, this marriage. Closing his eyes, Marcel thought he should never have agreed to it in the first place.
There was no turning back now, though. He had agreed, Gilbert had agreed, the emperor had made his decision. Now they would all have to live with the consequences.
*~*~*
The College of Science and Technology would be the first of its kind in the empire. It was modeled after the great University of al-Karaouine, where Marcel had just spent the past almost two years studying mathematics.
The building itself—or collection of buildings, to be precise—had been warehouses before the Marquis de la Marche bought them and the architect Riku Takahashi redesigned the buildings. They now sported glass-domed roofs and beautiful sculpted metalwork that shone in the sunlight.
When he'd stopped by Gregory's townhouse, he'd been told that the Marquis de la Marches was here. So Marcel climbed the stone steps that led up the front doors and pulled them open, stepping into the main hall.
The Marquis de la Marche, Sushil Mukherjee, and Lady Yujia looked up from where they'd been studying a blueprint of some sort. The inside of the great hall still looked like a work in progress with scaffolding and worktables everywhere. Marcel ignored all of it as he headed for the group.
"Marcel!" Gregory was the first to respond, striding across the space and hugging him. "I'd heard you were back. Come to see the new school?"
"I've actually come to ask about Berti," Marcel said when Gregory let him go. "What happened when I was gone?"
"What do you mean?" Sushil had come to stand a little behind Gregory, giving Marcel a puzzled frown.
"I went to see him," Marcel said, keeping his voice even. "Something had happened. He seemed ... sad."
"It's probably about Tristan," Yujia said, and all three turned to look at her.
"Yes, probably," Gregory sighed, running his hands through his hair.
"Tristan?"
"While you were gone," Gregory turned back to Marcel, "Gilbert fell in love."
It shouldn't have hurt, physically hurt, but it did. It was like being kicked in the gut; Marcel concentrated on breathing because he couldn't do anything else past the pain in his chest. He'd always known it would happen one day. In fact, it was a wonder Gilbert had not taken a lover before this. Gilbert had always seemed, if not happy then content, to remain single with his books, insects, and Marcel for companionship. It had lulled him into a false sense of security; he had gotten used to a life where even if he could not have Gilbert he wouldn't have to see him with another man.
"Tristan was Charlotte's aid when he came to the palace, good-looking enough, I suppose, if you like them tall, blond, and heavily muscled, and Berti fell in love."
"He never said." Marcel's voice came out much softer than he'd meant it to, and he gripped his cane tighter with his good hand. "He wrote to me, letters, so many of them, but never talked about this at all."
"He was very quiet, shy about it. You know Gilbert. I don't think in the beginning he really believed Tristan was interested, and then he convinced himself that if he talked too much about it that it would all magically go away. But they were really cute together, happy. In the beginning."
"What happened?" Marcel had a sinking feeling he knew, but he needed to hear Gregory say it.
Gregory, Yujia, and Sushil all exchanged looks.
"Tristan left him. They had a fight. I think Tristan cheated, although Gilbert never said. Certainly Tristan said unkind things to him right at the end. Charlotte reposted him to the tower in the northern mountains, and he's not coming back anytime soon."
"Oh God." Marcel looked away from the three of them. Stupid, stupid he was so stupid. But it hurt so much to think of Gregory with someone else, some lowlife soldier who had gone and broken his heart, no less. Of course Gregory didn't want to be with him when he did not share Marcel's feelings. Not to mention he was still most likely feeling fragile and used from being treated badly by the one and only man he'd trusted to be his lover. Here Marcel had come along, overeager when he'd been offered something he'd wanted so badly for so long, putting his foot in it and probably hurting Gilbert more. He'd potentially destroyed any chance they might have had together. He started to laugh, although there was nothing remotely funny about it. "We're engaged to be married."