Authors: Stan Tatkin
A Mind to Know Mine
Childhood is not elective. Our earliest relationships are not chosen by us, and we do not get to decide how they function. We can’t demand that they be fair, that they be just, that they be sensitive to our needs. We can’t demand our earliest relationships include caregivers who want to know who we are and everything about us. In adulthood, however, our relationships are elective. At least that’s the case for most of us in the Western world. We get to choose our partners and how our relationships will function. We can demand these relationships be fair, that they be just, and that our partners be sensitive to our needs. We can also expect that our partners will want to know who we are and everything about us. But here’s the rub: do we actually
want
someone to know everything about us?
If you’re an island, like Brian you’re probably thinking, “Shouldn’t some things be private?” In an insecure relationship, the automatic answer would be yes. It would make sense to keep to yourself anything that might cause trouble with your partner or jeopardize the sense of being able to do whatever you please, with whom you please, whenever you please. For example, although Brian is 100 percent faithful to Marsha, he keeps from her certain details about his friendships with other women. He is afraid she doesn’t trust him enough, and therefore he would have to give up those friendships—however harmless they might be—if she discovered how much he enjoyed them.
In a secure relationship, maintaining private compartments—whether having to do with money, sexuality, shameful events, or even any conceivable threat to one’s partner—is counterproductive. Partners in a relationship based on mutuality agree they will feel safer and more secure if they fully know each other. Their goal is for both to be themselves within the relationship. Even if this is not possible in the outside world, they can be who they truly are with each other. They completely avail themselves to one another and grant permission to share whatever is on their mind, without reservation. In this sense, they have in each other
a mind to know mine
. And they agree to be go-to people for each other.
Islands and waves, on the other hand, often spread themselves among many different people. No one person knows everything about them (except perhaps in the case of a wave who chooses someone other than his or her primary partner as a confidante, and tells everything to that individual). Why do islands and waves do this? Because in their eyes, elevating someone to primary attachment status makes that person dangerous. At the slightest provocation by that partner, their amygdalae run wild. And of course they want to avoid this.
By contrast, let’s look at a couple who have agreed to tell each other everything, no matter how difficult that may be, and regardless of whether it gets them into trouble.
I Will Tell You Everything
Eden and David have each taken the vow “I will tell you everything.” Naturally, simply making this promise doesn’t mean it will be easy, or guarantee either will do it at all times. But it does mean each will hold the other to the vow, because they both know it serves them well. And it means they will not tell anyone else something without first informing the partner. Neither will go to an individual therapist and tell him or her something about which the partner is not privy. Neither will go to his or her family of origin, or friends, or acquaintances, and reveal anything the partner doesn’t already know.
“I had a weird experience today, and I’m afraid it makes me seem like a bad person,” Eden says as she sits on the toilet with the door open, talking to David, who’s combing his hair.
I know this may sound strange and even a bit disgusting, but in my experience as a couple therapist, I have found that partners who fear—how to do I say this delicately?—going to the bathroom in front of each other also fear telling each other everything. I haven’t done any hard research on this; it’s simply anecdotal evidence. Certainly, plenty of partners who don’t tell each other everything have no such inhibitions. But the reverse seems true enough. I’ve also found this to be the case for partners who fear breathing on each other or anything else that feels too private. But let’s return to our couple.
“Yeah? Tell me about it,” David says with interest.
“I was in line at the market behind this old woman who was really unkempt. She smelled. I thought, ‘How does a person get like that?’ Really, it was repulsive. I almost shifted into another line to get away from her. But then she turned and gave me a warm smile as she put down one of those dividers to separate her food from mine. I felt really ashamed of myself. She was so sweet. And I had no clue. Has anything like that happened to you?”
“Nope,” David replies flippantly. “But my day was uneventful. I just masturbated and waited for you to get home.”
They both laugh.
“You are so weird,” says Eden.
“Yeah, but I’m
your
weird,” he says. “And don’t you forget it.”
“I love that we can say things like this to each other,” says Eden.
On another occasion, after coming home from work, Eden informs David that a coworker came on to her at the office. She doesn’t mention his name—not because she’s withholding information, but because she knows it won’t particularly matter to David.
In fact, he jumps straight to a different question. “What did you do about it?”
“I told him I’m happily married,” Eden replies, giving David a kiss.
“How creepy,” David continues. “Is he going to be a problem?”
“No,” says Eden. “Don’t worry. I can handle him.”
Because this couple are accustomed to telling each other everything, they don’t spend time entangled in jealousy or issues of trust. They are able to get straight to the point, which in this case is Eden’s comfort level at work. Rather than reacting out of threat, David is focused on confirming her safety and security.
Auxiliary Brains
One way to think of a
mind to know mine
is this: My partner and I represent two separate brains. Often, however, I can benefit from having an additional brain into which my thoughts can expand, a kind of auxiliary brain to help me to work things out. In this way, I can use my willing partner’s brain as an extension of my own to find creative solutions to problems that might elude me if I were dependent on my own crowded brain.
This notion of expanding into another’s mind is not new. For instance, Donald Winnicott (1957), a psychoanalyst, believed in the importance of providing a shared-mind space for his patients, a space he likened to the shared psychic space of infant and mother. This shared-mind space was valuable for therapy, and it’s an important perk for partners who share a couple bubble.
Quite simply, two brains are better than one. Tethered partners can, in effect, lend and borrow their respective brains and nervous systems, thereby at least momentarily becoming more and having the capacity to accomplish more than either could with only one brain and nervous system. This also comes in handy when acting as competent managers of each other.
How might this look?
Take the example of Zane and Bobby, a thirty-something same-sex couple who tend to argue about Zane’s smoking. One evening Zane comes home reeking of cigarettes.
“Did you smoke again?” Bobby asks.
“Yeah, I did,” Zane replies sheepishly.
“Zane!” Bobby snaps.
“Yeah, I know I smell,” says Zane.
“I thought you weren’t going to do that anymore,” says Bobby plaintively.
“No, I never said that. You said that; I didn’t agree,” argues Zane. “I said I would try not to do it around you and not lie about it when I did. On that we agreed.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Bobby mutters.
Though this may not sound like a good resolution, the fact that Zane didn’t hesitate to admit what he had done is in keeping with their agreement to tell each other only the truth. It provides a basis from which they can work together, in a shared-mind space, toward Zane’s smoking cessation—if that is in fact what he really wants.
Or take a different example.
Charlotte and Toby, a couple in their late fifties, find themselves with increasing responsibilities for two sets of aging parents. Late one night, after they have gone to bed, Helen receives a phone call from her father, who explains that her mother fell in the bathroom and is now on her way to the emergency room with a suspected broken hip.
Charlotte gets dressed, then wakes Toby. “Mom needs me,” she says, and explains she is driving to the hospital.
She kisses him goodbye, but Toby is swinging his feet to the side of the bed. “I’m coming with you.”
“Really?” she says. “I thought you have an early meeting.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll call in if it looks like I might be late,” he says. “You’ll have your hands full with your dad at the hospital, especially if your mom needs surgery.”
“Oh,” says Charlotte. “Dad’s still at home.”
“At home?” Toby echoes, shooting her a look that says, “What are you thinking?”
“Mom went in the ambulance,” she explains. “It was too much for Dad to manage with his walker.”
“So that’s what I’ll do,” says Toby, pulling on his jacket.
“What?” asks Charlotte. “You mean go there?”
“I’ll take the spare key and let myself in. If he’s sleeping, I won’t disturb him. But if he’s up—or when he gets up—I’ll make sure he takes his meds and has something to eat. Then I’ll bring him to the hospital.”
“Yes,” says Charlotte, quickly getting onboard with the plan. “That would be so helpful. And if there are any new developments with Mom, I’ll text you right away.”
“I’ll be napping on the sofa if your dad’s asleep.”
Charlotte fishes in her purse and hands Toby the spare key to her parent’s house. “What would I do without you?” she says, shaking her head. “I was assuming Dad would have to fend for himself until I could get over there. This is so much better.”
Exercise: Spilling the Beans
This one is for those of you who don’t like to be asked, “What are you thinking?” You probably respond with something like “Nothing.” The problem is, unless you are brain dead, there’s always something on your mind. So, if you’re game, try this little exercise.
So why do this? Because having an open mind with your partner means it isn’t up to you to decide what’s relevant to share. If you are used to spilling the beans with little things, it will be easier to communicate openly when something big comes along.
The 24/7 Agreement
As we discussed in Chapter 1, partners who create a couple bubble enter into an agreement to put the relationship before anything and everything else. They agree to abide by the principle “We come first.” One of the specific agreements they can make to carry this out is to serve as the go-to person for one another. A related agreement is that each will be available to the other 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
When I say 24/7, I mean it literally. Each partner must enjoy a 24/7 hotline to the other. In other words, if one partner wants to call the other in the middle of the day simply to report an itch on the nose, his or her partner is expected to answer cheerfully—as in “It’s great to hear from you!” This privilege can be enjoyed by both partners at any time. So, for example, if you are my partner, and we’re in bed, and I can’t sleep because I’m anxious about the day, I can wake you up, and you will be there to help me without any feeling of resentment. Why? Because I must do the very same for you, if not in that situation, then in other circumstances when it likely will be inconvenient for me. That is our agreement. It is our assurance to one another that we aren’t alone, that we have a tether to one another. We do this for each other because we want to. We do it because we can. And because we appreciate how loved and secure it makes us feel. We wouldn’t ask it of anyone else, and nobody else would want to do it for us.
Now, does this mean everybody should expect to be able to instantly contact his or her partner each and every time? Of course not. If you have that itch on your nose and your partner is high over the Atlantic on a business trip, you’re unlikely to phone the airline. However, the point is that couples should feel secure in knowing they can reach out to their partner at any time, anywhere, and their partner will be receptive. Moreover, this availability works both ways.
It’s Okay to Be High Maintenance
Partners in a couple bubble who agree to be available go-to people for each other benefit in ways nobody outside the bubble can. To be sure, maintenance of this agreement can feel burdensome at times, but the effort is well worth the trouble. Partners who expect one another to be available 24/7 are and should be considered high maintenance.
In our culture, being labeled high maintenance usually is considered a pejorative. Typically, men speak about a woman as high maintenance if they see her as demanding attention, overly concerned about her appearance, or hard to please. This is not what I mean here. I am speaking about two people who are willing to go the extra mile for each other. They are willing to put in the highest level of effort possible, for their mutual benefit. They are willing to give freely, knowing they will receive the same in return. They are high maintenance because they expect their partner to be at their beck and call. If I seem to be belaboring the point, it is only because I’m aware that what I’m describing runs counter to some of our basic assumptions about how relationships should function.
Exercise: Map Your Go-To Network
So you and your partner have agreed to be each other’s go-to people. How is this working out for you? Use this exercise to find out more about how you actually use each other as go-to people. You can do this exercise either on your own or as a couple.