Authors: Stan Tatkin
Irene, herself an island, tried not to notice what was happening. She buried herself in work and convinced herself this was simply a natural phase for married couples; it was what people meant when they said, “The honeymoon is over.”
Judd was in a panic. What, he asked himself, could have caused such a change in his sensorium? Had he fallen out of love? He certainly thought so. Because he avoided close contact with Irene, he had no way to rekindle feelings of love for her. He couldn’t engender feelings of either stranger-ness or novelty with her. She became an overly familiar, if not familial, figure to him. At the same time, Judd found himself lusting for others at a distance. He engaged in occasional dalliances and one-night stands with women with whom he could relive the excitement and possibility of sex and romance, as he had done with Irene in the beginning. But whenever a woman became too demanding of continued involvement, his aversive reactions would reappear and he would quickly cut off all communication.
Judd was forced to admit his problem when Irene discovered his infidelities and kicked him out the house.
After two weeks of painful separation, Judd owned up to his mistakes and begged Irene for a second chance. Irene agreed to reconcile. Slowly, the couple started “dating” again. He once again enjoyed gazing into her deep green eyes. His near senses again delighted in her smell, taste, and touch. The sound of her voice warmed him as it had in the beginning. With his renewed sense of love for Irene, it wasn’t hard to win his way back into the house. However, shortly thereafter, his aversions returned.
“What’s wrong with me?” he worried silently day and night.
Fortunately, this time Irene recognized the problem and was able to convince Judd to go to couple therapy with her so they could address the more serious problems that were tough to solve on their own.
Rekindling with Waves
Unlike islands, waves tend to be comfortable with their near senses and even crave physical proximity for long durations. Waves likely will not experience aversive reactions to a partner, unless they have a history of physical or sexual trauma, in which case they may be simultaneously adverse to the closeness they crave.
Because waves crave close contact, they can appear overly intrusive, even threatening, to their partner, especially if the partner is an island who is sensitive to approach. Waves may not be aware of the effect they have on their partner, and therefore not make an effort to correct their errors.
Unlike islands, waves tend to have experienced lots of physical contact as children and often report memories of a parent gazing into their eyes. In courtship, a wave’s come-hither qualities of closeness craving can be extremely attractive and seductive. However, once a committed relationship has been established, the wave can begin to perceive threats of rejection, withdrawal, or punishment—whether real or imagined. The wave’s overly sensitized anticipation of rejection may result in rejecting his or her partner, and the inability to rekindle love.
Consuela, a wave, saw her romance with Jose as a dream come true. He (also a wave) was dashing, engaging, and fun loving. Their sex was, in her words, “amazing!” She was head-over-heels in love.
After the couple married, Consuela began to notice Jose making what she considered to be small shifts away from their close physical contact. For example, one evening at their favorite restaurant, they were talking about going to visit her parents the following weekend, when Jose suddenly broke all eye contact.
Consuela noticed immediately, but didn’t say anything because she was afraid he might use it as an excuse not to visit her family. She knew he didn’t enjoy being with them as often as she did.
Later that night as they were getting into bed, however, she couldn’t keep her concerns to herself. “Why did you pull away at dinner?” she demanded.
Jose looked startled. “What are you talking about?”
“When we were discussing the visit to my parents. You wouldn’t look me in the eye.”
“Huh? I was looking at you. I
always
look at you.” When Consuela insisted he wasn’t meeting her eyes, Jose got defensive. “Well, I was taking the bones out of my fish,” he said. “You want me to choke to death?”
Consuela turned out the light, got into bed, and turned her back to Jose. “What happened?” she silently despaired. “What did I do to cause this change?”
Other confrontations followed. Each time, Jose vehemently denied any negative feelings toward her. He insisted he loved her more than before they married.
But Consuela didn’t believe him. She began to see in his eyes rejection and withdrawal, even though he protested to the contrary. She withdrew from him, sometimes angrily, in an effort to punish him for his supposed punishments of her. When he tried to look into her eyes, she looked away. Instead, she took to scanning the environment for eyes seeking hers. She felt good about herself when she was acknowledged by men who appeared smitten or at least interested in her. Eventually, this led to an affair with Armand, a dashing older man, who persuaded her to move in with him. She did so believing she had rediscovered the excitement of newfound love she once had with Jose.
It didn’t take long, however, for this relationship to deteriorate. Just as had happened in her marriage, Consuela now saw disdain in Armand’s previously adoring eyes. In her attempt to reconcile with Jose, she agreed to enter couple therapy. With the help of a therapist, they were able to understand their destructive wave inclinations and rekindle their love.
Ninth Guiding Principle
The ninth principle in this book is that
partners can rekindle their love at any time through eye contact.
You do this by calling on your and your partner’s primitives and ambassadors to intentionally engage in the same ways as when you were first enamored. This may sound deceptively simple, yet the results can be profound. What you are doing is tantamount to short-circuiting your brain’s predisposition to war. If you haven’t already attempted to rewire in this way, I suggest you reserve judgment until you have given it a fair try.
In the meantime, here are some supporting principles to guide you:
Chapter 10
Live a Happier, Healthier Life: How Your Partnership Can Heal You
Imagine that the plumbing in your house has a slow leak, and you haven’t checked your monthly water bill in, say, thirty years. Now you look at it, and you’re stunned! It’s not just that you let the leak continue for so long, but the amount of water you wasted over time is enormous.
Now suppose it were possible to similarly measure energy usage in your body. Imagine that your stress system hasn’t been checked since infancy to see how much energy you have expended adapting to life’s various stresses. Additionally, take into account the fact that some of this energy is nonrenewable. That is, it has seeped away over time due to stress, and like the water from that leaky pipe, can’t be retrieved.
The “bill” you receive for your total stress expenditures is what Bruce McEwen (2000) and other scientists call
allostatic load
, otherwise known as the price we pay for the adaptations required of us throughout life. Allostatic load involves four major physiological systems: cardiovascular, autoimmune, inflammatory, and metabolic. Over time, if we accumulate a heavy allostatic load, we can develop illness in any or all of these four systems, including heart disease, diabetes, arthritis, and fibromyalgia.
Our relationships with others, and especially our primary committed relationship, strongly influence our allostatic load, by either reducing or increasing it. Yes, it can work both ways, and which way it works for you is largely up to you. Some individuals—islands for example, but also many waves—choose to forego relationships, at least primary ones, in favor of solitude because they find committed relationships too stressful. They may avoid stress, but they avoid closeness, as well. Others readily pursue relationships, only to find themselves feeling abused, neglected, or otherwise dispirited by the realities of their marriage or union. The stress they encounter in their relationship puts them at risk for illness. Still others find themselves in relationships that help them thrive, energize, and destress.
This chapter focuses on the health hazards as well as the health benefits that come with a primary relationship. As you read it, consider what you might do to ensure that your relationship mitigates stress and always contributes to your greater health and happiness.
The Hazards of Hidden Stress
If you ask a couple to identify the main sources of stress in their lives, chances are they won’t point to their relationship. In many cases, that answer is exactly as it should be. However, for some couples, this represents a blind spot. Although they may be alert to stress in other areas of their lives, such as stress caused by a boss at work or financial problems, they are in denial when it comes to stress in their relationship.
Ralph and Lorraine have been together for more than thirty years. Midway in their marriage, both made explicit and implicit suggestions that the very existence of the relationship was in continuous question. For example, when they fought, Ralph would say, “If you don’t quit yelling, you won’t have anyone to yell at anymore!” Later, he’d say, “I don’t know, maybe I’m just not cut out for this marriage thing.”
When she was angry, Lorraine would say, “If you pull that pathetic crap one more time, I swear, I’m out of here!”
During this time, two of their three children began to manifest symptoms of depression and anxiety. Lorraine started to become physically symptomatic, with a range of inexplicable illnesses. Her immune system was compromised, and she too became depressed. Ralph, who had a family history of heart disease, started to frequent the emergency room with complaints of heart palpitations.
Fortunately, Ralph and Lorraine were able in therapy to get to the bottom of what was making them sick. Life was hard enough, but it was even more difficult because each lived under constant threat—both to the relationship and their sense of self. This might seem obvious, but to Ralph and Lorraine it wasn’t. They were entrenched in their habits and didn’t realize the effects their behavior was having on everyone in the family. They didn’t recognize how they were increasing each other’s allostatic load. In addition to outright threats, they treated one another with contempt and disgust.
Ralph and Lorraine agreed to stop their threatening behaviors, and when they did, something miraculous happened. Lorraine’s health improved almost immediately, as did her depression. Ralph stopped experiencing heart palpitations. The children appeared happier and better adjusted at home, at school, and in their social life. Lorraine and Ralph still argued and complained about one another, but they no longer threatened the relationship or each other.
Be Annoying but Never Threatening
I often tell couples that within their couple bubble they can do or say things that are annoying, but they can never be threatening in the eyes of their partner. You can be annoying with a smile on your face, and laugh about it later. But threats undercut your very security. Moreover, it doesn’t really matter what
you
consider threatening; if your behavior is perceived as threatening by your partner, then you have a problem. That said, here are some behaviors that typically are considered threatening:
Lynn Katz and John Gottman (1993) studied the deleterious effects of partners’ expressions of contempt and found that not only does this behavior put the relationship at risk, but it has a disruptive influence on their children’s behavior. Gottman (2004) ranks contempt, which he defines as including disgust, disrespect, condescension, and sarcasm, as the number one predictor of divorce.
If any of the behaviors listed apply to your relationship, then you or your partner are a threat to live with, and ultimately destructive to your collective wish to remain safe and secure. Remember, partners are wired together: where one goes, so goes the other. If you are threatening or if your partner feels threatened, or vice versa, it can’t be good for you, either. You owe it to your relationship to immediately eliminate all threatening behavior. If this means seeking the help of a therapist, as in the case of Ralph and Lorraine, I can’t think of a better investment you could make in your relationship.