At my mother’s funeral, I played her favorite song on guitar. It was my way of honoring her memory. My rendition was enough to bring tears to everyone’s face. My mother’s countenance was peaceful. I have never played that song again, and I never will. It was my way of making a promise that I would never allow myself to be so irresponsible again. I also decided that instead of goofing off, I would spend my life working and helping to support my family. The day my mother died changed the way I live.
I mailed it immediately and went to sleep wondering what I had done. I knew nothing about this school, and had never been to upstate New York, but now I made a decision that put my future in play. I had knots in my stomach all night.
The ball was in motion. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be accepted to the college I had just applied to, but it felt good to have at least one college application out there. Acting on a decision changes things.
At work, Mike arrived about a half hour late, and opened the Café. I told Christine about my senior ski trip. She mentioned that Eddie Lo was also going on the trip.
Mike had his routines, and the wakeup routine was one that could be written in stone. First he yawned, and then he stretched. Then he washed his face with cold water. He dried off, poured himself a cup of coffee, which he drank in silence and ate a muffin. He did more stretches, louder, animal sounding yawns, and then decided to check up on us. It was a bizarre routine to which I was accustomed.
Mike asked me what was new. I said that I applied to a college, and that I was going on a ski trip. “What college?” he asked.
“A state college in Albany,” I said.
“That’s where I went the second time around,” Mike said as he walked away.
I had to pick my jaw up from the floor. Not only did Mike go to my high school, but he went to my college? My fear of turning into Mike was first and foremost in my mind. “So what happened?” I asked.
Mike shrugged and said, “Every kid is different. My roommate in college hardly drank, mostly studied, avoided drugs, and had a great time. He graduated and is now a dentist. I would go to the parties with him, and he would stay for three hours and hardly drink. But not me, I couldn’t stop drinking and doing drugs.”
I asked, “What was the difference was between you and your roommate?” Mike did not have an answer but said that he’d get back to me.
Later that day a customer walked in to the café. He was a well dressed young man, probably in his thirties. I asked him what he did for a living, and he said he was an investment banker. I asked him what an investment banker did, and he said he made money using other people’s money. I asked if he was married or had a family and he said that it wasn’t in the plan. His words echoed in my head for the rest of the day.
I guess the guy had a plan, and it was time for me to have a plan. On the subway heading home, I pulled out a notebook and pen, and decided it was time to write.
“Life Map, twenty years from now”
1.
I am married with kids
. I am looking forward to a family, and a wife, and this means that I will not hesitate nor put this off. If I find the right person, then I will move forward. I am not going to be the kind of guy that is afraid to get married or have children. I think that I will only date women that have the potential of being my “significant other” and not waste my time with people that are not. I would rather be alone than waste my time with someone with whom I do not want to share the rest of my life.
2.
I have a very good income, though I do not have to go to work every day for a set number of hours.
My father works two jobs, six and seven days a week. This is not what I envision for myself. I am not going to get stuck in the rut of missing out on all the good things in my life and my children’s lives, the way my father did when I was growing up. I will need to either have my own business or make a lot of money in a different setting. I will emulate the owner of the café; he has plenty of free time.
3.
I spend a lot time with my kids, playing sports, taking them to activities
. I plan on being an active father, and allowing my kids to play sports, and do all the activities that I never had the opportunity to do.
4.
I have a better relationship with God than I do now
. Many of the kids at Stanton do not have strong foundations, and often have emotional problems because of this. They turn to suicide and drugs. I am not the most religious person. I have to admit I wonder where God was when my mother died, but I also do not wish to stray too far from my belief in God. In tough times, and my entire life has been tough times, it is this faith that has kept my family together.
5.
I am confident in all aspects of my life
. I don’t plan to be the same nervous little kid with an inferiority complex when I grow up.
6.
I have good friends that I can rely on
. I don’t need a lot of friends, or any fake friends. Just a handful, who I know are good people and that I can count on.
7.
I am educated
. I plan on going to college and actually learning something. I don’t want to go to college to just get a degree or to train for a job.
8.
I have good ethics and values
. I don’t want to look in the mirror and be ashamed of myself one day.
9.
I am the kind of person that helps others, always shows kindness, and above all else, I have a great sense of humor and I am always laughing and telling jokes.
I don’t want to change from the person that I am today. I see too many people unable and unwilling to really enjoy their lives. They are too stressed out to really take a step back and smell the roses.
10.
I have income from various sources such as stocks, bonds, and real estate investments
. This really is tied to not having to work every single day for a fixed amount of hours. Money is important for the quality of life that I desire, but I saw my father work and work and work and never get ahead.
11.
My health is great; I have always taken good care of my health
. I don’t plan on getting sick or drinking too much and killing my liver. I don’t plan on being a stoner or having no brain cells in twenty years from using drugs.
12.
I drive a car, and no longer take the subways.
13.
I can hold a conversation with anyone on any topic at anytime
. Maybe this boils down to being educated, and maybe it boils down to being well versed in a variety of topics. I think it also comes down to being better socialized than I am now.
14.
I am not shy, or intimidated by any person or situation
. I am never going to shy away from a confrontation or a fight.
15.
I have never been arrested
. This is important because I’ve seen too many people get arrested over the years, and I am intent on staying out of jail. The best way to not get arrested is to walk a straight line.
16.
I am successful in business
. I’m not sure of the business, but I don’t want to be an investment banker. Maybe I’ll own a café. Maybe the music business. But I think that business is the way I want to go.
17.
I have excellent common sense.
I definitely would like to say one day that common sense kept me from making bad decisions. I see so many academically smart kids at Stanton that seem to lack common sense.
18.
I am very happy and have no regrets
. I don’t want to do anything that I’ll regret in twenty years. The next time I come to a fork in the road, or I am about to make a bad decision, I will have to ask myself if this is something that I will regret one day.
I looked at the list I had just written. I had just described a life opposite to my father’s. It encompassed who I wanted to be. I wasn’t sure if Mr. Zoose would approve of it.
I went to English class and showed my life map to him. I was not nervous about him looking it over. He’s not the kind of teacher that ever made students anxious or nervous. He looked at it, smiled, and said it was very good. This is how Mr. Zoose reacted to anything anyone ever wrote. Mr. Zoose was the master of positive feedback and made me feel at ease. Mr. Zoose then handed it back to me.
“It’s your map, not mine. Keep it in your wallet, and make decisions in your life based on the map and it will lead to where you want to be in twenty years.” I folded it and placed it in my wallet.
Sal Carus was in the hallway. I knew of him, but really couldn’t say that I knew him well. He was very smart, and a bit of nerd. Sal did well in his classes, but did not have many friends. He took his academic life very seriously and was ranked in the top ten.
“What’s up, Sal?” I said. With angst, Sal said he was done with high school. I asked if he was dropping out and he laughed. His science research project had led to a scholarship to Pratt University. This would be his last month in high school. He would start college full time in January.
Maybe there was something wrong with me; first, for not having a scholarship, second, for not starting college early, and third, for wanting to finish my senior year in high school. I was not jealous of Sal; clearly I was just not as smart as he was. He had a gift for academics that I did not. I was looking forward to the ski trip, the prom, and just seeing my friends everyday. After speaking with Sal, I felt like I was lagging behind, like I was at the bottom of the barrel. But I would not want to trade places with Sal. He was awkward, had no friends, no social life, and dressed funny as well.
I shook his hand and congratulated him. Mr. Mash, our principal was making his rounds. Jubilant, with a large grin, he proudly placed his arm around Sal. “It is a remarkable achievement, Ignacio,” said Mr. Mash.
“Ignacio?” I asked.
“That’s my real name. Everyone just calls me Sal because I’m Italian.”
Sal proclaimed that he couldn’t wait; his goal was to finish college in three years, and start graduate school.
Mr. Mash and Sal exited the hallways. I was about to head to my next class, when
Mr. Zoose approached with a strange look of confusion.
“Did I hear that correctly?” he asked with arms crossed.
“Sal is starting college in January; he has a scholarship to Pratt University for his science research,” I replied.
Mr. Zoose shook his head. “That’s terrible. He’s already a year younger than he should be because he skipped a grade. Ignacio’s definitely not emotionally or mentally ready for college. This is a disaster.”
“He’s really excited about going, and he’s ready to start. Sal’s planning on graduating college in three years and starting grad school,” I said.
The next thing Mr. Zoose said was like a shotgun going off.
“I’ve had to talk Ignacio out of suicide twice. Ms. Carus, his mother, has been through a lot. He’s even seen a psychiatrist for depression. It is best not to be in a hurry to finish or skip important years of your life. You can never get them back.” Mr. Zoose walked back to his class.
I was in a state of complete mental suspension. Sal was at the top of the class, and was revered as a true genius. His projects in engineering were the best in the school. I never would’ve guessed that he was suicidal. He was the typical Stanton type A personality.
At lunch, I told Sam and John that Sal would be starting college in a few weeks. Sam was furious. He wondered out loud how Sal was getting all this success and attention.
“How could a guy named Sal get such a scholarship and such an opportunity?” Sam asked. “Shouldn’t he be making pizza somewhere?”
“His name is really Ignacio,” I said.
“That’s even worse than Sal,” Sam said.
John decided to play along, just to raise Sam’s ire. “The Italians have always been famous for scientific breakthroughs. Look at Copernicus, Galileo, Volta, Marconi, etc. The list goes on and on. He’s probably the descendant of one of those guys.”
Sam’s face was turning red. We had pushed the right buttons.
John continued, “Not to mention the greatness of the Roman Empire, the greatest empire of all time.”
Sam yelled expletives at the long defunct Roman Empire, and spewed an angry diatribe denouncing the “euro-centric education that had brainwashed all of us.” John and I laughed until tears came out of our eyes. Sam continued on his verbal rampage, explaining the greatness, magnitude, and contributions of the Persian Empire. He could not hear us laughing over his anger. Our insolence was making his blood boil. Next he decried the poor American education system that had somehow left out the Persian Empire in its high school curriculum. Sam was almost in tears when he cursed how we had to study Greek mythology, European history, the Roman Empire, and Julius Cesar, but none of us knew of the Persian Empire or had heard of Xerxes.