Authors: Joan D. Vinge
Ang
was
piloting, like he usually did—today he was even humming tunelessly. He’d never
done that before.
Spadrin
stole stale snapper
biscuits from my plate while I tried to eat standing up, pressed into a corner
of the cab. His eyes dared me to stop him. I didn’t even care—the heat, the
stink, the food poisoning, had killed my appetite days ago. Only
Spadrin
had any appetite left, like the animal he was.
Then
suddenly the rover lurched to a stop, so abruptly that I lost my balance and
knocked over
Spadrin’s
bottle of
ouvung
.
It spilled on his leg. He swore at me, and grabbed my wrist. “Clean it up,
Gedda
.” He jerked me down; I saw his knife blade glint and
then disappear. I pulled off the rag I was wearing as a sweatband. On my knees,
I began to wipe the liquor off of his leg. But he stood up suddenly, pushing me
aside. “
Ang
, are we there?” He was looking past
Ang’s
shoulder.
Ang
sat
silently behind the controls, staring out at something. Sweat trickled down his
neck. His hands lay in his lap, clenched into white-knuckled fists.
“
Ang
!”
Spadrin
shook his
shoulder.
Ang
reached up and opened the door. He got to his feet. Without a word, he climbed
out and down.
Spadrin
leaped down after him. After a
moment I followed them outside.
They stood
on the edge of a cliff, with the wind whipping their hair. I made my way
between rust-red boulders to the precipice. Below me the wall of rock dropped
sheerly
into a purple abyss. The far rim of the canyon was
hundreds of meters away; the bottom must have been a good half a kilometer
below us. Down in its shadowy depths I saw a river winding like a snake.
A river of light ... of molten lava.
The crack in the earth
ran as far as I could see, looking to the left. And looking right, I saw on the
horizon an immense surface of blazing light, like a sun fallen to earth ...
Elation filled me.
At
last.
“It can’t
be!”
Ang
shouted. “This can’t be here, it can’t!” He
looked at the rover, as if it had somehow betrayed him. He looked down into the
abyss again. He took a step forward, as if he were going to challenge its
reality. I caught hold of his arm. He pulled loose, frowning, but he moved away
from the edge.
Spadrin
shouldered me aside. I backed up, away from both of them. “What’s this mean,
Ang
?
Ang
?”
Spadrin
said. “Where’s the
treasure? Where are the
solus
?
Ang
—!”
“I don’t
know ....”
Ang
whispered. “This shouldn’t be here. We
can’t be
here
—” He gazed toward the
shining horizon, toward
to me!” he screamed at the sky.
“You mean
there’s no treasure? You mean we came all this way for nothing—and now we’re
lost?”
Spadrin
jerked him around. “You fucking
dirtsider
, is that what you mean?” He struck
Ang
across the face.
Ang
lunged at
Spadrin
, but
Spadrin
threw him down on his back and sat on his chest, holding his arms flat. “Is
that what you mean—?”
Ang
turned his face away, looking out into the canyon. “Yes,” he whispered. “Yes.”
Tears crept out of his eyes and dripped into the dirt.
Spadrin
got up off of him, and let him get to his feet.
Ang
stood at the edge of the abyss with his back to us. His tall, broad-shouldered
body seemed to wither.
Spadrin
stepped forward again and pushed him over the edge.
“No!” I
shouted, but
Ang’s
cry as he went over obliterated
the sound. I ran forward—but it was far too late by the time I reached the rim.
Ang
had already stopped screaming. I saw his body
rebounding from the rocks far down the wall. I turned away from the edge,
shutting my eyes.
Spadrin
still stood at the top of the cliff, watching
Ang’s
body fall toward the planet’s core. I heard his laughter before I let myself
look at him again—high, strangled laughter edging toward hysteria. “
Gedda
,” he gasped, “get the rover started.”
I didn’t
move or answer. I felt as though I had become a part of the stone; as though I
had been standing that way for
millennia ....
He looked
over at me, the crazy laughter disappearing from his face. “I told you to
move.” His voice was like a knife.
“Why?” I
said. “You’ve killed Ang. You’re lost. You’ll never find your way back.”
The
hysteria still burned in his eyes. “Don’t say that. Don’t say it.” His hands
flexed.
I looked
away, toward
horizon. Its brilliance turned my vision molten. 1 stood waiting,
waiting ....
Spadrin’s
footsteps closed in on me, his hand on my arm wrenched me around. My eyes were
fire-blind. He shoved me. He shoved me for the last time.
I don’t
remember the blow that tore my knuckles and bloodied his face. I don’t remember
the blow that knocked him down. I only remember that I was strangling him,
beating his head against the ground, when my rage cleared again ... that my
voice was raw from shouting curses, from shouting, “You killed him! You killed
him!” over
an
Spadrin
lay as limp and senseless as a rag toy when I
let go of him at last, and his blood was the color of the stone.
I took the
knife sheath from his arm and strapped it to my own. I got the guns from the
vehicle’s locker and threw them all over the cliff, except for the one that I
slung at my back. Then I dragged
Spadrin
to the rover
and poured half a bottle of
ouvung
over his head.
He came
awake, cursing and dazed; he tried to get to his feet as soon as he recognized
me. But he slid down again as his body refused to obey him. The look of
disbelief on his face was almost funny.
“
Wha
—?”
I took a
long drink from the open bottle, holding the gun on him. “All right, murderer,”
I said. “I’m taking over this vehicle now.” I kicked him. “Get inside. We’re
leaving.”
Hatred and
fear warred in his eyes. “You think you can take me back?” He pulled himself
slowly up the rover’s side.
I shook my
head, and took another drink. “We’re not going back. We’re going to
The fear
stayed on his face, but his disbelief came n back.
“
You crazy—” His hand felt surreptitiously for his knife. His bruised mouth
worked, but nothing came out of it for a long moment. “Why?”
“I’m
looking for something.” I hurled the bottle away, and wiped my mouth with the
back of my hand. My hand was shaking. I tasted blood.
“Then
you’re looking for somebody to cut your throat—and mine,”
Spadrin
snarled. “I’m not going any deeper into this hell.”
“You
haven’t got any choice,” I said.
“Unless you want to stay
here with Ang.”
I bent my head toward the cliff-edge.
Spadrin’s
face turned the color of ash. I watched him realize what he’d do in my place.
I nodded.
“If you want to survive, you bastard, it’ll be on my terms.”
“
Gedda
,” he whined, “listen, don’t be a fool. We can work a
deal, we can still be rich! We’ll go
back,
there are
other ways to—”
“Shut up,”
I said. I nudged him with the gun. “Get inside.”
He obeyed.
I don’t
understand it. I don’t understand it. We’ve been traveling toward
terrain. We have to detour and
backtrack,
we tie our
trail in knots. I don’t know what I’m doing with this damned thing, or how much
longer it can hold together now.
Ang’s
ghost haunts
it. The stale smell of his
fesh
sticks hangs in the
air, like an
obsession ....
I was a
fool not to leave
Spadrin
behind. He’s like a time
bomb, just waiting for the right moment. If I had his guts I’d have killed
him ....
No, no, damn it! I’m an officer of the law, not an
animal.
I lock
myself into the cab with the controls at night, so I can sleep. I have to watch
him constantly. He pretends to servility, but I can see the hatred in his eyes.
He won’t stop me. I swear to you. I swear it. Nothing will stop me, I’ve come
too far. I know now that this was meant to be. Why else would everything have
happened the way it has? Why else do I see
dreams
....
Before, I was lost and I found you. Our time will come again, and
this time it will never end.
Today it
rained. It rained black mud. Things like worms smeared the windshield.
Spadrin
got hysterical and I had to knock him out. I made
him go outside and scrape off the dome after it stopped raining.
We’re still
no closer.
I lost the
rover today. I knew I should have gotten rid of
Spadrin
.
I was trying to guide us through a boulder-choked gully, when he jumped me. He
tried to bash in my skull with a bottle; but I’ve grown almost present. I
dodged the blow and knocked the bottle out of his hands. But I had to let go of
the controls. The rover ran up onto the rocks and flipped itself over.
We were
thrown clear across the cabin when it happened. The fall almost finished what
Spadrin
started. I came within centimeters of breaking my
neck. My shoulder hurts like hell.
Spadrin
was
luckier, all he got was a knot on his
head ....
Or
maybe I’m still the lucky one: I stayed conscious. I got the rifle.
Except it doesn’t work.
The integrator must have shattered.
But he doesn’t know that.
When
Spadrin
saw the rover lying on its back like a stranded
beetle, he fell to his knees and beat his fists on the ground, screaming
curses. And then, he looked up at me, with spittle dripping from his lips, and
said, “You’re crazy! You’re fucking crazy! You don’t even care!”
I only
smiled, because I know what he couldn’t know—that it didn’t matter. Nothing
mattered—not
Ang
, not him. They were only tools, the
means to an end. Because this was meant to happen “Pick up the supplies,” I
said. I waved the gun. “Let’s get going.”
We are
getting closer. We are. We are. This is right. I feel it in my bones. I feel
the heat of
close my eyes. I feel it throbbing in my chest. It warms me when the
stones
we lie on crack and groan with the night’s chill, and
I watch its glowing beacon through sleepless hours of darkness. It purifies my
blood, it leads me through the scorching days, through the valleys of death
toward a ... toward a ... I’m afraid. I’m afraid.
Gods, when
did I say that? Was I delirious? Was it the drugs? Maybe I shouldn’t take them,
all the painkillers and the
stims
....
How can I go on without them? But damn it, I can’t
afford to lose control again. How many days ... Has time stopped?
I haven’t
slept at all. I’ve got to have sleep—but I can’t sleep, with
Spadrin
waiting. A deathwatch beetle, waiting for the
moment when I close my
eyes ....
That bastard,
he
can sleep, he’s sleeping now,
gods
rot him. If only the gun worked, I could stun him. I
want to strangle him where he lies. But I can’t. I need him. I can’t carry the
supplies myself. My shoulder’s too bad, I can’t even touch it,
I
can’t use my arm. Maybe I should dump them. I don’t need
food. Every time I try to eat I
puke ....
I’m getting
weaker.