“Oh, my God,” she buried her head in my chest. “I’m not going in there.”
“I want to walk in there holding your hand.”
“It’s hard for me to say no when you say something sweet like that.”
“I know.” I turned the doorknob and walked through the front door. I hadn’t been inside the house since the day my life had fallen apart in this very foyer. I turned around, seeing Piper studying my face. She knew exactly what I was thinking. We were standing in the spot where I proposed to Ellie. I wondered if that was difficult for her, but then her hand stroked my cheek, and I realized her only concern was for me. I couldn’t help but smile. It was time to make a new memory here. I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her into a slow, gentle kiss. No ghosts of Christmas past could penetrate what was happening between Piper and me in that moment. My heart was simply too full of her to give space to anything else—at least, right then.
“I swore I heard the door,” my mom said as she came around the corner.
Piper pulled back and tilted her head down like we were two teenagers caught stealing a kiss. “Sorry, we’re late,” I said, although secretly I was hoping we were so late that Rob and his happy little clan were already gone, and I could enjoy Christmas alone with our parents and Nana.
“Carl, they’re here,” my mom called out right as my dad came into view. She didn’t see him because she couldn’t seem to take her eyes away from Piper beside me, our hands joined together.
The smile on my mom’s face said it all, and my dad’s looked just as approving. I knew they loved Piper, but I also knew they wanted it to mean more—to mean I would be coming home more often, if not permanently. “Merry Christmas,” I said, hoping they’d stop looking at us with those goofy smiles. I slid Piper’s coat off her shoulders before removing mine and hanging them up on the coat rack.
“Merry Christmas, baby.” My mom got me in one of her death grip hugs. “It’s so good to have you here.”
I heard her voice crack a little and immediately felt guilty. It was Christmas Day, and I hadn’t spent any time with them. I patted my mom’s back then threw my dad a look for help. He smiled and rolled his eyes before peeling her off of me. Unfortunately, then their eyes zeroed in on poor Piper. I don’t think she had any idea what was coming. “Merry Christmas, Mr. and Mrs. Landon,” Piper said politely.
My parents looked at each other, smirking. “Honey, you’ve called us Carl and Gwyneth since you could talk. No need to get formal now that you and Drew are playing football.”
My parents started laughing, and Piper looked up at me, totally confused. It was adorable. She mouthed, “What does that mean?”
I responded by nuzzling her nose with mine. We made our way into the living room where everyone else was—unfortunately, that included my brother and his family. The lights of the Christmas tree were on, stockings hanging from the fireplace. To anyone on the outside looking in, it looked like a Norman Rockwell Christmas, but everyone on the inside knew better. We were a time bomb waiting to explode. Every eye in the room landed on us, and all conversation quickly stopped, the only remaining noise from Jack ramming his toy car into the sofa. I pulled Piper closer to my side, happy and proud to be there with her. I didn’t want her to be uncertain about that.
Nana finally broke the awkward silence. “Merry Christmas,” she said, placing a hand on my cheek and a hand on Piper’s cheek, staring at us together as if she was taking a snapshot in her mind. Piper and I each wrapped an arm around her in a three-way hug. I could feel Nana’s body shaking from her laughter. She was so happy—happy to have me home, to see me happy, to see Piper and me together.
Mr. Nelson got in on the act and wrapped his old arms around all of us, and when we broke apart, he caressed Piper’s cheek tenderly, his old, wrinkled hands moving with such grace. Then he turned and winked at my Nana, both of them beaming like they just pulled one over on us—maybe they did. “Handsome couple,” he said, nodding at my Nana.
“Told you they would be,” Nana winked at me, happy her matchmaking plans had worked.
“Granddaddy!” Piper cried. “You did
not
plan this.”
“Sure did,” Mr. Nelson confirmed. “We’ve been talking about this for half the year.”
“We knew if we could just get Drew in town, everything would fall into place,” Nana said, laughing.
Piper and I stared at each other, but we couldn’t help but smile. But her eyes left mine as Rob got to his feet. She started to fidget, now just as uncomfortable around Rob as I was.
“Miss Piper? My daddy’s jaw is this weird color. I was hoping you could tell me what color it is, since you know colors,” Jack said, jumping into Piper’s arms.
I tried so hard not to laugh, but Piper’s face was priceless. Jack was right. Rob’s jaw was a weird black-blue-yellow-purple color. Piper had clocked him good. Rob came over and took Jack from Piper. “Merry Christmas,” he said with caution, like those words were bullets.
“See,” Jack said, pointing to his daddy’s face.
“I see,” Piper said, looking only at Jack.
“What color is that?” Jack asked.
“Let’s call it bluck yelpur,” Piper said as she tousled his hair.
Jack laughed. “Mommy just calls it stupid.”
Ellie got up and threw me a look to kill. “What else do you call it when someone
hits themselves with a car door
?”
“Car door, huh?” I guess that was the line Rob had given her, but she wasn’t buying that story, and she thought I’d hit him. He’d look much worse if I had.
“Come on, Jack, it’s past your bedtime, and you need a bath. I’ll take him home,” Ellie said, but this time, her eyes were locked in on Piper. Then she looked down at Piper’s hand in mine. Piper shifted her hand, intertwining her fingers with mine, and I almost laughed. It was cute that she felt the need to stake some sort of claim to me. She had to know that Ellie wasn’t a threat, so I leaned over and kissed her on top of the head.
“Don’t be silly,” my mom said. “Bathe him here.”
“Yeah,” Jack yelled, running up the stairs.
“I’ll just get him cleaned up,” Ellie said, forcing a little smile.
I wondered if Ellie was upset seeing me with someone else, or if she was just as uncomfortable as I was having to face all of this. I sat down on the sofa with my arm around Piper. It seemed like we were a special exhibit in a museum, the way everyone was looking at us. Our families seemed thrilled we were together, but in a too-obvious way. I knew it was making Piper uncomfortable. She kept inching farther and farther away from me. I kept scooting with her, but if she didn’t stop, we’d end up across the room soon. I leaned over and whispered in her ear, “Stop moving away from me.”
“They know,” she whispered back.
“They know what?”
“They know that we spent the day doing. . . .” she paused, “what we did today.”
“Of course, they know. That’s what playing football means.” Her forehead wrinkled up. “It’s a long story, but in this house, playing football is code for having sex.”
Her mouth fell open, and her skin was redder than Santa’s suit. I couldn’t help it—I started laughing, which made everyone look at us even more. Piper elbowed my ribs. “Apparently, I’m funny,” she said, starting to giggle herself.
My mom got to her feet, smiling like a fool again. “You two missed dinner. How about I make you a plate?”
I pecked Piper on the cheek. “I’ll get it, Mom. You sit.” I started for the kitchen and looked back, seeing my mom had taken my seat and had Piper in one of her vice hugs. I couldn’t help but smile as I pushed open the door to the kitchen.
“Oh,” Ellie said, closing the refrigerator. “I just got Jack out of the tub, and the babies got hungry.”
My smile faded, and I turned to go back to the living room. I didn’t have anything to say to her. “I’ll come back.”
“Wait, Drew,” she said, touching my shoulder.
It was so strange to feel her hand on me after all this time, after spending all day with Piper’s hands on me. There was absolutely nothing remotely familiar about her touch. “What?”
“So, you and Piper?” she asked.
“So, you and Rob?” I knew I was being a total asshole to a pregnant lady, but did she really think I had anything to say to her—that I really wanted to discuss this with her?
“I guess I deserved that,” she said.
“You deserve a lot worse.”
“Then let me have it.”
“No.”
“Why not? Because I’m pregnant?”
“No, because I just don’t care about you anymore. You aren’t worth the energy it would take.” Her eyes started to water, and I felt myself cringing. I hated seeing women cry, but a pregnant woman crying was the worst.
“You know, you weren’t the only one hurt here, Drew.”
“Really, how did I hurt you?”
“I didn’t say you hurt me. I hurt myself.” She sat on a stool, rubbing her huge belly. “And you just left. We never talked about it. You never yelled at me, or let me cry, or explain, or fight, or anything. You just got in that damn old pickup and drove away, out of my life—like I meant nothing to you.”
“What did you expect me to do? You humiliated me in front of the whole town, my family.”
“I know, and I’m sorry. I’ve wanted to say I’m sorry for years,” she said, wiping her face.
“That’s for you, Ellie. You need to say you’re sorry for you, not for me.”
“You’re right,” she said, her head hanging down. “It was one time, Drew. Just one time.”
“Ellie. . . .”
“Please, just listen, please.”
This was so unfair. She was crying and pregnant, and it was Christmas. I couldn’t just walk away, and she knew it. I walked a step closer and waited, figuring I’d just let her say whatever the hell she felt she needed to and get it over with. Then I could get back to Piper.
“Remember you didn’t come home for Thanksgiving that year? Remember we got in a fight because it was also my eighteenth birthday?”
“I remember staying at school working so I could surprise you with a ring at Christmas.”
“I didn’t know that. I was mad at you, and it was my birthday. My friends and I went over to Landon’s, knowing Rob would sneak us some beer.”
“You’re telling me you were drunk?”
“No, I just had a few sips. But you have to understand that I was hurt and. . . .”
“Was Rob drunk?”
“No, he wasn’t drunk. He knew exactly what he was doing.” Ellie looked up at me. “That was the only time. I swear to you on my momma’s grave. I felt horrible I cheated on you. I felt horrible I lost my virginity that way. I felt horrible you wouldn’t be my first. I told Rob it was a mistake.”
“Did he agree that it was a mistake?”
Ellie paused for a moment, and I could tell she was considering her answer. “It didn’t matter what he thought. I told him I loved you, and it wouldn’t happen again. I avoided him for weeks.”
“But then you found out you were pregnant?”
She nodded her head. “I was devastated. My dad threw me out, and I went to Rob. He knew your parents would help us, so we told them together. I can’t tell you what those few weeks were like.”
“We talked during those weeks. You didn’t say a word.”
“We all agreed to tell you when you came home. Your parents didn’t want to tell you on the phone and have you be alone. They moved me into their house, took care of me. I was a mess, but I was carrying their grandchild.”
“They were in a tough spot. I know that.”
“Rob insisted we get married, but I wouldn’t commit to that. Somewhere in me, I was hoping you’d forgive me, still marry me, love me.” She shook her head. “It was crazy, but you were the brother I loved.”
“Ellie, don’t.” I couldn’t hear her refer to me and love in the same sentence. If there was one thing I was certain of in this whole mess, it was that Ellie never loved me. She couldn’t have fucked my brother if she did.
“When you dropped down on your knee and proposed that day, my heart felt like it was being ripped in two. I never expected you to propose so soon. I saw everything I ever wanted and knew I wouldn’t have. The way your face looked when Carl told you I was pregnant still haunts me.”
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” I said, not seeing the point in reliving any of this, but she just continued.
“Then you just walked out the door. No letter, no phone call. Nothing but silence for six long years. I kept thinking you’d come back. On the day I married Rob, I kept thinking you’d come stop the wedding.”
“You still married him.”
“I did. I knew he loved me.” She looked into my eyes. “He knew I loved you, and he respected that. And I respected him for being a man and taking care of me and the baby.”
I wasn’t sure what she was getting at. Did she expect me to feel sorry for her? “Can’t be all bad, you’re having more babies together.”
“It’s not. It took a really long time for me to love him, but I do now.”
“Congratulations,” I said sarcastically.
“Fuck you, Drew!” she yelled, standing up. “The rest of us hurt, too. I slept with him
one time
. It was a mistake. Do you know I didn’t sleep with him again until over a year after we were married? Do you care?”
“No.” I really didn’t care how often they screwed each other, but it did make me happy Rob didn’t score for over a year. I considered that a little win.
She threw a glass at my head but missed wildly, hitting the door behind me. “You son of a bitch!” she yelled as the door flew open and the whole family, followed by Piper, ran in.
“Ellie,” Rob rushed to her side, but she held up her hand. He tenderly lowered her back onto the stool.
“You know something, Drew? It’s not just about you. Your parents hurt. You holding onto all this hurts them, your grandmother. You don’t have to care that it hurts me and Rob, but at least care about them. Care about your mother crying when you aren’t here every damn holiday. Care about what that does to your dad. Care about the fact that your nephew doesn’t know you or that your brother misses you so much and hates himself for what he did.”
Rob placed his hands on her belly. “Ellie, you need to calm down.” She looked into his eyes and took a few deep breaths, then got up and headed towards the door. Rob put his arm around her. “Let’s get Jack and go home.”