I hated feeling this way, dreading the possibility of being pregnant. It’s what my mother had gone through with me. And even though I was grown, there’s something about growing up knowing that not only weren’t you planned, you weren’t
wanted
, that never leaves you. Drew saying I was “nothing” was such a blow because I’d had that feeling before—a lot, actually, as a little girl. My mother had left me like I was nothing, like I meant nothing to her. This pain I was feeling wasn’t just about Drew. I knew that. He’d struck an old wound, one I thought I’d mended with my mom years ago, but here it was, rearing its ugly head.
I didn’t want my child to ever have that feeling—the feeling of nothingness. I patted my belly, vowing that I’d never let my child feel unwanted a day in his or her life. I may be alone and my child may be fatherless, but I’d be Mom and Dad. I’d have to be. I had two more days to wallow and feel sorry for myself, but then that was it. Come New Year’s Day, I’d accept what life gave me without regrets. It would be my New Year’s resolution. There was no other choice.
DECEMBER 30
DREW
I couldn’t remember
the last time I got any real sleep—in Charlotte with Piper the day after Christmas, I think. And last night was no different. She was the only thing I could think about. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Davis with his arms around her, heard her words echoing in my head,
we need to talk
. I rubbed the stubble on my face, not having the energy to shave again today. Besides, I was just going over to the bar to see Rob, and he wouldn’t care.
I pulled my new truck into the parking lot and took a deep breath. I didn’t want to go in, not because I was afraid of Rob, but because this was my last stop before I left for Raleigh, before I left without Piper next to me. My chest tightened again, and I wondered if maybe I was having mini-heart attacks. Tomorrow, I’d drive out of McAdenville, and Piper would probably end up with Davis. The mere thought of it sickened me. At least I was going to the bar, where I could possibly drink my pain away.
Opening the door, I found the place was empty. It didn’t open for another few hours. The bar was dark except for one lone light, illuminating Rob as he stood up from behind the bar with a couple bottles in his hands. God, his face was a bloody mess. I’d really done a number on him. The door closed behind me as Rob and I stared at each other. He put the bottles away then turned back and pointed to his face. “Jack’s still trying to come up with a color name for this,” he said.
I took a few steps closer. Jack was a nice, neutral subject, common ground for us to start with. “What’d he come up with?”
“Right now, he just calls me gross face,” Rob said, cracking a smile.
“Knew I liked that kid. It does look pretty bad.” I stuck my hands in my jean pockets. “I shouldn’t have hit you.”
Rob shrugged. “I knew I was provoking you.”
I gave him a little nod. That was as close to an apology as I think either one of us was willing to give. “What did Ellie say?”
Rob leaned on the bar. “She’s pregnant with twins, on bedrest, and her husband got in a fight. I keep getting hit. She’s not happy.” He stretched out his neck. “Sleeping on the coach.”
I looked down, unsure where to go with this conversation. “She must’ve learned that from Mom. All their fights end up with Dad on the sofa.”
Rob cocked a smile then motioned between us. “This sucks.”
“It does,” I agreed. “I need to know something. Ellie told me she was drinking that night.”
“She was with a group of girls. Between the four of them, they maybe had half a beer. Nothing that happened that night had anything to do with booze.”
“But you were drinking?” I asked, half-hoping Rob’s judgment was impaired when he decided to screw my girlfriend.
“No, I didn’t drink a drop,” Rob said, his eyes closed, shaking his head at himself. “I screwed you over, little brother. I know that. I saw my shot with Ellie and I took it.”
“Did you think about me at all? Did you think about you and me, our relationship?”
“This is going to sound like a bastard thing to say, but I loved her more than I loved you.”
I sat with that for a minute, wondering if it was supposed to hurt. But it didn’t. I understood it. I hadn’t loved Ellie more than I loved Rob. It was the loss of my brother that hurt more. And I knew I loved Piper more than anyone else on this earth. I loved her so much I was here making peace with my brother.
“I don’t say that to hurt you, Drew. I didn’t do this lightly. I hoped you guys would break up. Ellie and I would end up together, and we’d tell you later. After you were over her. I thought I could have her
and
you in my life. I chose her over you, but that didn’t mean I didn’t miss my brother or want him in my life. I’ve missed you, Drew.”
I gave him a little nod but wasn’t going to go any farther than that. This wasn’t some Disney movie. Things could never go back to the way they were, but I didn’t have to hate him, either. I took a seat at the bar. “I’m sorry about Ellie and the babies. I’d never want anything bad to happen to your wife or kids. I hope you know that.”
“I do.”
“She really did ask to talk to me.”
Rob started to shred a napkin on the bar. “I know. I was scared and mad at Ellie. I couldn’t blame her, so I blamed you.”
“Why were you mad at her?” I couldn’t believe I asked that. Rob and I used to talk about everything, and even after all this time, I slipped right back into that place.
“Because she stills cares about you,” Rob said quietly.
I started to say something then thought a little more before opening my mouth. “I don’t think so. Pretty much think she hates my guts.”
Rob shook his head. “You were her first love.” He looked up at me. “She’ll always care for you. That’s the part I never thought about six years ago.”
I wasn’t sure if that was true, but Piper had told me the same, and Rob seemed certain of it. And it seemed to bother him. When Ellie and I were together, things were natural. It just sort of happened, but it seemed Rob and Ellie were more forced. He may have loved her from the beginning, but it was work for him to get her to love him. It seemed a part of him would always wonder whether she loved me more—if given the choice, if she’d still choose me over him. Me being in McAdenville was just as hard on him as it was on me, maybe more. He had to face what he did to me and the fact that his wife still cared for his baby brother. Ouch! I’d never thought about that before.
“Are you planning on talking to her while you’re here?” Rob asked. “Making peace?”
“No, I don’t have anything I need to say to her. I’ll leave that to you.”
“That’s probably for the best,” Rob said, releasing a deep breath.
“Losing her wasn’t the hard part,” I said, seeing Rob’s eyes widen. “I got over her pretty quick. Losing my big brother was much, much harder. It was losing our dream to run this place together and raise our kids together. That was hard to let go of.”
“But look at everything you’ve got.” Rob shook his head and held up a rag. “I can’t remember the last time I left this damn state. Where’d you spend last Christmas?”
“Hawaii,” I said.
“Must be tough.”
“I work hard, Rob.”
“I know you do, and I’m proud of you. I’m jealous as hell, but still proud.”
“Jealous?” I asked. “But you got everything we ever talked about—the girl, the family, the bar, McAdenville.”
Rob forced a little smile. “Those were kids’ dreams. I wanted to travel, see the world, have a life beyond the bar, beyond this town.” He shook his head. “Seems like I’m still envious of my baby brother.”
I hadn’t considered how trapped Rob might feel. I was always so focused on what he had, I never thought about all the things he never got a chance to do because he was married and a father by the time he was twenty-one. “Maybe don’t blow up my life this time because you’re jealous,” I said, smiling broadly at him.
He gave me a smile then he pushed on his eyes, holding in tears. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you so badly.”
I couldn’t believe he’d finally apologized, after all these years. I never thought it would make a difference, but it did somehow. Seeing him so sincere, tearfully saying he was sorry, didn’t make things the same or erase all the bad, but it did make me want to forgive him. “Thanks for saying that.” I tried to keep myself composed. “I could use a drink.”
“Lemon Drop?” Rob smirked.
I gave a slight chuckle. “A little girly! How about a beer?”
Rob popped the top off two beer bottles and passed me one. “You look like shit,” Rob said. “And I didn’t even hit you.” I couldn’t manage more than a shrug. “Piper?”
He said her name like I was going to start whaling on him again. “Yeah.”
“Don’t hit me again, but you really ripped her heart out.” My head darted up, and Rob held up his hands. Nana had said the same thing. “I’m just telling you she was a mess.”
“She’s with Davis.”
Rob narrowed his eyes, his forehead wrinkling up. “No, man. They aren’t together.”
“I saw them.”
Rob shook his head again. “Bro, I see them hanging out all the time. They aren’t together, though.”
“Then I guess something changed between them.”
“I don’t see that.” Rob downed his entire bottle of beer. “Ok, so I know I’ve got no more big brother rights, but I’m going to say this, anyway. Piper was always the girl you were supposed to be with.”
“Rob. . . .”
“Had Piper not moved, you two would’ve ended up together. The only reason you even noticed Ellie was because Piper wasn’t around. It was always Piper. She was always the one. You might not ever get the bar or the hometown, but this is your chance to get the girl,
the right girl
.”
DECEMBER 31, NEW YEAR’S EVE
DREW
I was all
packed up. I threw my duffle bag in the front seat of my new pickup, then I looked up at my grandmother’s house, where the Christmas decorations were still hanging. I wanted to take everything down for Nana, but she refused to take down a single strand of tinsel until New Year’s Day. Everything was so different from when I arrived just a little over a week ago. I’d made peace with my family, fallen in love, and lost love.
I looked down the street, the path I’d taken to Piper’s house so many times. I was hoping she’d come skidding into my driveway this time. How could I have been so wrong about her and what we felt for each other? I shook my head and walked inside, into the kitchen.
Nana and my mom each had a glass of wine in their hands. “We’re starting New Year’s Eve early,” Nana joked. “I can’t stay up until midnight anymore.”
I smiled. “I really should get on the road and beat all the drunks,” I said, hoping to get out of baking with them. I didn’t want to get into the whole Piper thing again. It just hurt too much. Besides, I’d already heard Nana and Rob’s two cents. I didn’t need another opinion.
“Nice try,” my mom said, pulling out some bowls and measuring cups. “I’m guessing you never talked to Piper.”
“No.”
She handed me some flour and eggs. “Why not?”
I poured the flour in a sifter and started to grind it through. “No use.”
“You planning on leaving things unsettled with her for six years?” Nana asked.
“I don’t know.”
Mom and Nana both took another drink of wine. “You can’t just leave her so torn up about you. It’s not right. We taught you to treat women better than that.”
I finished sifting the flour and picked up an egg. “She’s not that upset.”
“Boy, what are you talking about? We all saw her after you left. She was raw,” Nana said.
I cracked the egg too hard, and it smashed in my hands. “Dammit.” I tossed it in the trashcan and walked to the sink.
“You’re in love with her,” my mom said. “Don’t run from that.”
I dried my hands and leaned back against the sink. “It doesn’t matter. She doesn’t feel the same way.” I looked over at the kitchen island. Mom and Nana were not doing anything but sipping their wine. “What’re we baking, anyway?”
They both started to laugh. “Nothing.” I just shook my head at them, smiling. These were the two best women on the planet. “Tell us what happened.”
Piper’s naked body flashed into my mind, and I knew I blushed. “I can’t.”
Nana waved her hand in the air. “Just leave out the sex.”
My mom busted out laughing. Nana poured more wine, and I stood there with my jaw on the floor, unable to believe how dirty-minded my Nana was. Guess I came by it genetically. “Well, I was at Hank’s and. . . .” I didn’t think I’d ever tell anyone about Hank’s, but I figured I better start from the beginning. A few hours and a few bottles of wine later, I almost had them totally filled in. “When she said we needed to talk, I thought she was breaking up with me, but then I saw her with Davis—in his arms.” I had to stop talking, tears blocking my throat.
“Davis? From the car dealership? The one running for mayor?” Nana asked, and I nodded. She busted out laughing.
Was my love life really so funny? I stared at my mom for a second, but she just raised an eyebrow at me. “Nana?”
She couldn’t stop laughing. “You haven’t told her how you feel because of Davis? He’s. . . .”
“Nana, I know you think I’m the greatest, but. . . .”
“That boy probably has more interest in you than Piper!” Nana cried out.
“What are you talking about?” my mom asked.
“That boy is gay,” Nana said again, still chuckling. “He’s no threat to you. He and Piper are friends.”
“Gay?” Nana had just gone off her rocker. “How do you know?” I asked.
“Piper and Davis go to a lot of his functions together. Her granddaddy wanted to know if they were dating, why Davis didn’t take her out on proper dates. So she told him. Davis is gay.”
“Maybe she was just saying that to keep her granddaddy out of her business.”
Nana shook her head. “He’s not ready to come out publicly. He’s afraid what that will do to his political chances, his uncle’s dealership. He asked Piper if she’d be his date to some of these things because it looks odd for him to be alone all the time.”