“Then one might think someone like Swenn wouldn’t want to be king,” I said. “You still believe he killed Luke in self-defense?”
“I do. But I don’t believe the same situation occurred with Faye.”
“And you believe he won’t try to get rid of us?”
“Yes, I believe that.”
I frowned.
“Just imagine for a moment that he was telling the truth.” Shara showed me a desperate look. “Please.”
“Fine. Let’s say he was telling the truth.”
“Now imagine he stays, unpunished, in the castle after the trial’s over.”
“That’s not going to happen.”
“Just for the moment, imagine it has happened already.”
I did and anger hit me immediately.
Shara asked, “Would you still want to…” She pressed her lips together. “Kill him?”
“I would.”
“But is that what your mother would want?”
I stopped, beginning to feel manipulated.
She held out her hands. “I know it’s difficult to speak about her, especially in regard to Swenn. But I really want you to think about this.”
“You’re prying too much here.”
“Because I care about you.”
That left me with no retort.
She went on, “Just think about it for this moment, then you won’t ever have to again.”
“That’s not true because every day I think about it. I cherish each moment that passes without me remembering that he killed my mother, that she’s dead because of me but more so because of him. He deserves to die, Shara.”
“Yes, but would your mother want you to be the one who does it? Or would she want you to forget and live your life without constant suffering from guilt?”
“Of course the latter, but Eizle would want me to kill him.”
“Eizle would want—” She stopped herself, her argumentative tone softening. “All right, Eizle would want you to kill him, but he was half mad.”
I gave her a look.
“He was!”
“I wish you wouldn’t speak about Eizle like that.”
“I know it’s bad zuji to speak ill of the dead.”
“I don’t care about that, but I do care about him.”
Shara stayed quiet. As we walked, my thoughts held their own conversation about my mother. Shara was right about one thing: My mother would want me to let go of this anger toward Swenn. But I couldn’t forget what Eizle wanted and how he would’ve gotten justice if it wasn’t for me.
None of this mattered. Swenn would be hung after the trial.
We took a turn. Finding only one person in the same hall, a woman walking ahead of us with sheets overflowing from her arms, I freely put my hand on the back of Shara’s head and kissed her cheek.
“I care about you, too, and I’ll think about what you’ve said.”
“Thank you.”
We got to her door before I was ready to part.
“Well,” she uttered, “good night.”
“Good night.”
She made no motion toward her doorknob.
We stood there glancing about, trying to figure out how noticeable we were to those walking by. Unfortunately it just made us more conspicuous.
A moment came when the hall was empty. I put my arms around her and she melted into my embrace. I suddenly remembered something worrisome.
“Why did you say it would be for the best?”
It was clear by her silence that she knew exactly what I was talking about.
“Think about everything we’re involved in,” she said. “Compared to the war, our feelings become just a distraction to what’s really important.”
“Just a distraction?” I teased, halfway insulted.
“You know what I mean.”
“You mean a wonderful distraction.”
She laughed softly. “Yes, but there’s more to it than that. Have you thought about what will happen when you leave the castle to fight?”
“You think I won’t come back?”
“There’s always a chance.”
We finally parted from our hug, the silence uncomfortable. I couldn’t say that she was wrong.
“You might not even be sent back to the castle,” she said. “Or I might not be here if you do come back. I still don’t know what they’re going to do with me.”
I had no response I wished to give.
“So,” she said, “that’s what I meant by ‘for the best.’ ”
“It’s not for the best, though.”
Her eyebrows lifted in question.
“It’s not,” I repeated. “The best for us isn’t ignoring this. And even if it was, I couldn’t do it.”
She leaned into me. Gently fisting her hands against my chest, she looked up into my eyes. “Me neither.”
I snuck a quick kiss to her forehead as she gave a peck to my chin, subtle like a gentle raindrop. I wanted to grab her and steal her breath with my lips, but she’d already pulled away from me and entered her room.
“Good night,” I said.
She showed me a waning smile as she shut the door.
I stood there for a while, my feet refusing to move.
“Neeko Aquin?” a woman servant eventually came and asked.
“Yes.”
“Commander Jaymes has requested to see you in his chambers.”
My heart rattled in my chest. “Does he seem upset?”
“Extremely.”
I silently cursed as I hurried off.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
I closed the door behind me as I came into Jaymes’ quarters, his eyes telling me to take the chair before him.
“You will receive no salary this week,” he said. “And I still haven’t decided if your lack of propriety will carry through to earn you deductions for the next week.”
Was that it? I couldn’t help but be relieved. “I understand.”
“Tell me right now why the king had to hear about your disobedience through Terren instead of through me. Is it that you don’t trust me?”
I was prepared for this. “I don’t trust Terren more than I do you, sir. He forced himself into the situation without my asking. It was out of respect that I didn’t want to trouble you.”
“Trouble is all you’ve caused me so far. You should’ve told me about Gram coming after Kayren. Would you have mentioned it if Terren hadn’t?”
“I’m not sure,” I admitted. “There’s too much of my past attached to why I needed to save Kayren. It seemed easier for everyone to keep it to myself.”
“Your past is out now. Quince told me you believe Swenn killed your mother. This is the real reason you’re here. Admit it. You’ve come to kill Swenn.”
Now this, I did not expect. “I’m here to fight for what I believe in. Justice.”
He scowled. “His trial is tomorrow. You’ll be among those questioned.”
My heart fluttered. “About what, sir?”
He ignored my question. “If you’re still here after judgment, you will serve the king without any more insolence. Show me you understand by saying nothing unless spoken to and telling the truth tomorrow.”
It pained me, but I kept my mouth shut and nodded.
I longed for company when I returned to my empty room. My carpet was still stained by Shara’s blood, my wall blackened by a wild fireball.
Is it up to me to replace the carpet and paint the wall?
This isn’t my room
, I reminded myself.
I have no room to call my own.
As soon as I left the castle, this space would belong to another man.
It was a constant effort not to sneak down the hall to Shara’s room as I curled up in bed and prepared for a long night.
Eventually, sleep started to take me.
I fell into my mother’s house, too tired and weak to do more than lift my head. I tried to call out to her, but my voice wouldn’t come. She walked into her bedroom to find Swenn collecting all the coins from her drawer. I knew what was about to happen. “Run!” I tried to scream, but I couldn’t break the silence as they saw each other and went still.
Swenn charged at her, a knife suddenly in his hand. Faye fell and screamed, her outstretched arms doing nothing to stop him as he plunged the blade into her heart. As quick as a dog digging, Swenn drove the knife in and out of her torso. The pitch of her scream lowered to that of a young man, Eizle’s limp body taking her place.
It was only one of many nightmares that plagued me that night.
Rain continued into the morning with no sign of relenting. I arrived at the great hall early for breakfast and soon found myself eating voraciously. I couldn’t help feeling that Jaymes would be coming up behind me at any moment to drag me away. Darri sat beside me and laughed.
“I’ve seen pigs eat with more decorum.”
I grunted, unprepared to talk until I was full.
“There are whispers going around that you’re the reason behind all the chaos of late.”
I grunted again.
“There are other whispers about you and Shara.”
I forced myself to swallow. “What about us?”
“He speaks!” Darri clapped me on the back hard enough to make me choke if I’d had anything in my mouth. “The whispers are about exactly what you’d think.”
“There must be whispers about you, too, in that case. I’ve just gotten here, but I can see how involved you are with the women.”
“I have discretion. I’m not seen entering their rooms late at night. And I especially don’t have any women being stabbed in my quarters.”
I grunted.
“Don’t fret,” he said. “Everything will change once we leave for battle.”
“You’re fighting?”
“Everyone you’ve seen who can wield a sword will go with us.”
“How can you fight against something you believe in?” I wondered.
“I’m fighting to protect.” The levity in his tone was gone. “I can believe in the gods and still fight against those killing my people.”
“I suppose that’s true.”
He glanced about and lowered his voice. “I need to ask for my favor.”
“I can’t be seen doing much besides training these days,” I warned him.
“I just need to know if Charlotte is leaving with the others from Ovira.”
“She wants to stay and seems likely to get her way.”
“I see. Thank you.”
A moment passed as we ate.
Darri pointed. “There’s your fellow gossip victim right now.”
Shara was descending the stairs, fiercely grabbing the rail as she moved at the speed of my Aunt Nann. I hurried over to the stairs, turning too many heads. Perhaps I should’ve walked.
“Wait there,” I told her, starting up the steps.
She stopped. “I didn’t want to disturb you.”
“It’s no trouble.” I reached her and put my arm around her shoulder.
She took my free hand and looked down at the tables. “Why are they staring at us?” she whispered.
“Apparently we’ve been too obvious,” I informed her.
She clicked her tongue. “Well.”
“Well?”
“Horse piss, as you would say.”
“Yes, horse piss.”
Darri awaited us at the base of the stairs. He held out his hand to Shara. “May I help you to your seat?” Leaning in, he whispered, “Just take my hand, strange girl. Let’s try to break the rumors about you two.”
I gladly passed Shara into Darri’s arms, showing anyone interested that King Quince didn’t need to be concerned about us. Though, it was difficult to maintain my smile as Darri held her close and whispered something, spreading a shy grin across Shara’s lips.
He sat her in my seat, then handed me my plate before sitting beside her. With no empty seats around us, I took it to another table, now apprehensive about Darri’s method of breaking these rumors.
It wasn’t a surprise to find empty seats to both sides of Falister, for he was probably an irritation to most people in the castle. But I was happy for his company. Being the king’s squire, perhaps he’d know something about the trial.
His words came out with a chuckle. “Oh, it’s the py mage. Not a day goes by that I don’t hear your name.”
“From the king?”
“From everyone.”
“What can you tell me about the trial?”
“I can tell you it’s beginning as soon as breakfast is over.”
“What else can you tell me?”
“The castle has never been…how to describe it…this lively. A brawl in the library, the poisoning of a woman waiting in a man’s bedroom, the master of coin killing his squire. If the king had known what trouble taking you in would cause, he would’ve sent you to Ovira. You have something to prove during the trial if you want to stay a free man in Sumar.”
“Jaymes told me I’m going to be questioned. Do you know about what?”
“If I did, I couldn’t tell you. Luckily for both of us, I know nothing.”
We ate for a while, Falister glancing at me now and then as if thinking of a question he didn’t want to ask. I didn’t invite him to speak it, but eventually he did so on his own.
“I’d never met a pyforial mage before you and that one-armed woman. But it’s my understanding that you’ve met others. The mage who attacked the king…did you know him?”
With the trial coming I didn’t see any reason the truth should be withheld. “He was my childhood friend, though I’d only recently seen him for the first time in many years before that incident. He didn’t come to kill the king but his brother. You’ll find out why during the trial.”
“Then let me ask instead, have you met any mages of the PCQ?”
“I don’t know what that is.”
He tilted his head in skepticism.
“PCQ?” I asked, making sure I’d understood him correctly.
“Are you honestly telling me you’ve never heard of them?”
“I haven’t. Have most people?”
“No, but I thought you would’ve been trained by one.”
Before I could ask, men and women of the castle staff swarmed the tables. A few still eating hurried to fill their mouths before their plates were taken. The leftover morsels were pushed onto trays, the empty plates were stacked, and everyone was shooed away from the tables.
“The king, Quince Barryn,” someone announced from the stairs. We all turned and bowed, every server stopping in that moment and the room falling quiet.
Quince walked straight up to me as hundreds looked on. “Prepare yourself for questions. The trial will begin soon.” His voice was loud enough for everyone to hear.
“Yes, sire.”
He went across the room. I noticed Gram as his quarry, the man’s broken finger set in a splint. Quince gave him the same line as he had to me.
I couldn’t find Swenn.
Must still be in the medical room.
Shara came to me.