Year of Mistaken Discoveries (22 page)

I’d spent the bulk of the Christmas break working on the project. I tried to revise what I had, but in the end I knew I had to chuck everything other than Brody’s photos. It was easier once I stopped trying to fix things and started over. I laid out the presentation and spent hours trying to figure out if I had the slides in the perfect order. I gave the presentation to myself in my bedroom mirror. I practiced lines from the talk in the shower and wandered around the house mumbling to myself. This morning my dad had come into my room and taken my laptop away. He declared that the next two days were project free. At first I was annoyed with him, but he was right. I was getting obsessed. Now that the project was done and I couldn’t do anything else, I just wanted it to be over.

I stared out the window. The cars parked outside were already buried under a layer of snow. I could still make out their shapes, but if we got much more snow, they’d disappear. I hoped they had the plows out already. School wasn’t due to start for a couple of days, but if we had a snow day, I was pretty sure I would snap. I was prepared to go out with a shovel and dig the city out myself.

“Come down soon!” my dad cried out. “The countdown is starting in a few minutes.”

“Okay,” I called back.

I pulled out Nora’s notebook. I wondered what her mom was doing tonight. I could picture her getting up to get something from the fridge and coming across Nora’s chipped Mickey Mouse mug in the cupboard. Her house would be full of these Nora land mines, things that would blow up in her face and remind her all over again that Nora was gone. This was the beginning of a new year that Nora would never know.

“Do you wish you hadn’t done it?” I said softly. I didn’t expect her to answer. I wanted to believe that after we died we went to a fluffy cloud in heaven and could look down and watch things on earth like it was a TV show. If life were like a book, she’d become a sarcastic sidekick ghost that would follow me around, offering helpful advice as I moved through life. But life isn’t a book. Nora didn’t get a chance to realize that what she did was a mistake. She bailed and left the rest of us to cope with it.

I’d never be able to make it right with Nora. I’d never be able to apologize. What was broken between us would stay broken for my entire life. There would be no picture of us at graduation with our arms around each other. Nora would never go to college, or travel through Europe, or learn Thai cooking. She’d never sort out what she wanted to do for a job. She’d never get married or have her own kids, or skip getting married and move to Paris to be an artist. She was out of choices.

I ran my hand over the notebook one more time. “I’m sorry. You were right.
I wasn’t being myself. I don’t think I knew who I was. I’m still not sure, but I promise I won’t stop trying to figure it out.”

I stood and pulled a box off the top shelf of my closet. My mom had started the box for me when I was little. She’d tucked away various things. The candle off my first birthday cake, a selection of homework assignments from over the years, the small stuffed bunny that had been my best friend for years. I’d added to the box. There was a red hair ribbon that I’d stolen from Walmart and then had always felt too guilty about to wear. I had my first-year cheer pin and a medal from eighth grade when I ran track. I had a pressed rose that Colton had given me. I dug through the box until I found the picture I’d made in first grade of me as a teacher in the future. I wished I could have had Nora’s picture of her as a mermaid. I tucked Nora’s notebook inside the box and slid it back onto the shelf. I didn’t need it anymore.

I wasn’t able to make it right with Nora, but I could do all the things she couldn’t. I owed her that, to do as much as possible with the time I had that she’d given away.

“The ball’s going to drop!” Dad yelled out.

I ran down the stairs and joined my parents in the living room. My mom passed me a glass of champagne. I almost dropped it in surprise.

“This is not a regular thing. It’s New Year’s,” Dad said with his stern face.

“So, you’re saying it’s not okay for me to swill down your vodka?” I asked in mock surprise.

“Ten! Nine!” Mom said, pointing toward the TV. The shot was of Times Square with crowds of people all jostling forward to be as close as possible to the front. The ball started to slide down. We joined the countdown as if we were part of the party.

“Three, two, one!” we yelled out in unison.

My dad leaned over and kissed my mom and then my cheek. I hugged them both. I tipped back the glass of champagne. The fizz tickled the back of my throat.

My phone on the table started to buzz.

“Ah, the troops are checking in,” Dad said.

I grabbed the phone. There was a text from Shannon.
HAPPY NY! BEST YEAR EVR!
Lydia had sent a photo of her smiling at the camera in one of those goofy, paper New Year’s hats with a black feather sticking up. I texted them back. I put
the phone down and then picked it up. No guts, no glory. I’d blame the champagne if it turned out badly.

HAPPY NEW YEAR
I texted to Brody. I held the phone, willing it to vibrate with a message, but nothing.

chapter thirty

D
on’t be nervous,” Lydia said. She was bouncing on the balls of her feet. “Apparently, the secret is to pretend everyone’s in their underwear and to bend at the knees a bit so you don’t feel like passing out.”

Shannon rolled her eyes. “Stop talking about it. You’re making me nervous and I’m not doing anything.”

“I’m trying to help!” Lydia said. “Oh, and don’t drink too much water. You don’t want to have to pee in the middle of your talk. There’s nothing worse than having to pee when you can’t.”

“Nothing?” Shannon asked. “What about cancer? Cancer seems worse. Or being bitten by a shark, that would suck worse.”

“Zombies,” I added.

“Zombies would be totally worse,” Shannon said. “Or what about that flesh-eating bacteria?”

“Ha, ha, ha,” Lydia said. “You two could do stand-up comedy.”

I squeezed her. “You’re the best. I appreciate your help.”

“We’ll sit near the front so you can see us,” Shannon said. “We’ll be cheering you on. We’ll start the crowd doing the wave. After all, we’re professionals.”

“Thanks, guys.” I pulled on the silver chain I was wearing. It was my mom’s lucky locket. She wore it every time she had to appear in court. She’d lent it to me this morning.

“There’s the lady of the hour!” Bradshaw brayed out.

“Does he lube his lips, or are they that oily all the time?” Shannon said softly.

Bradshaw wove through the crowds in the hall. I realized who must be with him and forced myself to stand up straighter. I held out my hand when she got close. My dad and I had practiced shaking hands over the weekend. He was a big believer that people judged others by their handshake.
Never be limp. No one trusts someone with a limp hand.
I shook her hand, hoping I’d found the sweet spot between hand crushing and dead fish.

“I’m Ms. Fierera,” she said. She was tall and curvy. “I’m looking forward to our interview.”

“Me too,” I said.

“Well, let’s get this show on the road.” Bradshaw pointed us
toward the auditorium. “I think you’ll be impressed at the level of the presentations, Ms. Fierera. I like to think I’ve guided some fine young minds toward their futures.”

“I’m sure,” she said, her voice neutral.

“It’s such a special thing to impact young lives,” Bradshaw said as he took her elbow.

“Poor woman.” Lydia watched her walk away. “I hope Duke gave her hazard pay for having to put up with Bradshaw. She could die of asphyxiation from his cologne.”

“You ready?”

I turned around and Brody was standing there. He looked uncomfortable in a pair of pressed khaki pants and a sweater. “You dressed up,” I said.

He looked down at himself. “Yeah. I thought I should. You look good.”

“Thanks.” I realized I was biting my lip and made myself stop.

“We should have practiced this,” Brody said. He shifted from foot to foot.

If he was nervous now, there was nothing to be gained by telling him I’d changed everything from our first draft. “Don’t worry. I practiced enough for both of us. I just need you to run the projector and move the slides forward.”

“Okay, you guys, break a leg,” Lydia said. She gave me a hug and then quickly leaned over and hugged Brody. He froze and then managed a hug back.

“Are you ready for this?” I asked Brody after they walked away. I wanted to apologize, but I knew sorry wasn’t going to be good enough.

He shrugged. “You’re doing all the hard stuff.”

“Your pictures are perfect.”

I could hear applause coming from the auditorium. Someone must be finishing up their talk.

“You’ll do great,” Brody said.

“I don’t know, but I’m going to do my best.”

• • •

I was afraid when I stood on the stage I might lock up and not be able to say anything, but I didn’t. I looked out over the crowd. Bradshaw and Ms. Fierera were near the middle of the audience, sitting on the aisle. As promised, Shannon and Lydia were in the front row. Colton was sitting next to Shannon, and he gave me a thumbs-up. I looked around. I didn’t know what the person I was looking for looked like. I’d have to begin and see what happened. I nodded at Brody and he clicked on the first slide. I cleared my throat and spoke.

“My first talk was going to be on school reform.” My voice sounded really loud over the microphone. “I didn’t pick the topic because I really have an interest in it. I picked it because I thought it sounded important. Like something that would impress people. I don’t know much about school reform, but I do know a lot about trying to impress people. I’ve spent a lot of time making sure that I gave the right impression and hiding
anything that I didn’t feel lived up to the expectations people might have.

“Then my friend Nora died earlier this year. She was doing her talk on her quest to find her birth mom. I decided I’d make finding my mom my new topic. You can’t get more impressive than that, helping a deceased friend complete a quest. This entire talk was going to be about the importance of family and how by finishing Nora’s project I’d done something in her memory. That was a lie. I was doing it because I thought it made me look good. I know that sounds bad, and I deserve it. This project isn’t about any of those things anymore.”

Brody was staring at me as he mouthed, “What are you doing?” I ignored his question and nodded at the projector to remind him of his job. He clicked the next slide over.

“Before I go too far, I have to thank my partner, Brody. The photos you see are his. And they’re amazing, so if you could let him know, that would be great.”

The crowd let out a whoop. A woman who had been standing at the side clapped. It had to be her. I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or doing what she thought was polite. Brody jumped when he saw her. He hadn’t known I’d invited his mom. It was time she saw for herself how amazing he was.

Brody was trying to catch my eye, but I didn’t look at him and instead kept going. All the practice was paying off.

“Friends are a kind of family. A family of choice.” I pointed at Brody. He paused for a second and then clicked forward,
showing more of his pictures. “I was friends with Nora for years.” Here I’d inserted some pictures from home of Nora and me as kids. Brody was blinking madly as they went by. I wasn’t sure, but I thought he might be trying not to cry. “We grew apart. That happens. But it was more than that. I didn’t try and stay in touch, because I didn’t feel like she fit in. I didn’t realize that there is always room for more people in your life who care for you. You don’t ‘fit in’ friends. You make room for them. I let her down as a friend and I will always be sorry for that.”

I rattled off some of the research I’d dug up about the importance of friendship, with Brody whizzing through the slides that detailed things in tables and graphs. I showed that people with good solid friendships lived longer and were less likely to have a whole range of diseases. Those who did become ill recovered faster if they felt supported by their friends. I didn’t have to look at my notes once.

“One thing I’ve learned in this process is not to take my friends for granted. That I need them and that I can be who I am with them.” I smiled down at Shannon and Lydia. I cleared my throat and motioned for Brody to click forward again.

“Part of this project was also the search for my birth mom.” I rattled off more statistics on adoption rates. “I thought if I found my birth mom, not only would it make for a great project, but it would somehow help me figure out who I was. I wanted to impress the people at Duke. There was a lot riding on finding her. Brody and I found her.” I flashed a slide that
showed the various resources available for adoptees. “My birth mom lives not far from here. She’s married now with more kids. I had a chance to meet her over the holiday.” I could see Brody was holding his breath. I knew he’d suspected I’d gone to meet her, but I hadn’t told him what happened. I’d considered putting in a picture of Lisa, but that didn’t seem fair to her, so I’d left it out. It wasn’t really about her. “If this project was really impressive, then I’d point to the back of the room and have her come in here. Then we could hug in front of everyone.” A few people in the audience turned around to see if she was walking down the aisle. Bradshaw was one of them, but Ms. Fierera kept her eyes on me.

“She didn’t want anything to do with me.” I heard someone in the audience let out a low whistle of shock. “She might change her mind in the future. She might not. What I realized is that it didn’t matter. My parents adopted me. They’ve never seen me as their adopted daughter. Only their daughter. The idea that meeting someone would fill in the gaps was the wrong way to look at the picture. I’m responsible for filling in those gaps myself. I have to figure out who I am, maybe with a bit of help from my friends. It’s okay that I don’t know all the answers now, but it’s not okay to expect other people to fill them in for me.

“I wanted to impress people. I worried about what people might think of me, but I didn’t worry enough about who I really was and who I was becoming.” I looked at Brody. “I let
people down. I let down people who mattered because I was afraid if I was honest, maybe they wouldn’t like me.” My voice caught and I paused to pull myself together.