Yesterday's Tomorrows (4 page)

Mrs. M's eyes filled with tears. "I'm so sorry I didn't know about your circumstances sooner," she whispered. "I can't believe all you've gone through since I left. I'd give anything if I could go back in time and be there for you. You shouldn't have had to go through all that alone.”

"It's okay." I pulled her into a hug. "You couldn't have known. It wouldn't have changed anything." I couldn't stop the crack in my voice; it had been so long since anyone had shown me compassion.

"But I could have --"

"No." I shook my head. "I'm not letting you do that. As it is, as soon as you found out, you sent your amazing husband to my rescue, and now I have a chance to start over sooner than I expected." I glanced up at the man smiling at us. "I don't know how to thank you both." I waved my hand at our surroundings. "All of this is too much."

John McCloskey gently pulled me from his wife's arms into his own. "I wish we could do more. But it had to be in keeping with what my firm will do for others in the future. But I know without any doubt that you deserve this opportunity, my dear. What you didn't deserve is what happened six years ago. But as much as we might wish we could," he slid a glance over at his wife, "we can't change what's happened. So let's look forward. I know you'll make the best of it."

I nodded vigorously.

Mrs. M snapped her fingers. "I almost forgot." She reached down by the still open door and picked up a blue ceramic bowl containing a plant with shiny, smooth green leaves on a stalk. "This is for you. It's commonly called a jade plant. It's small because it's a new cutting that I started for you once John took your case a couple of months ago. I knew he'd get you out." She beamed at her husband and then grabbed hold of my hand. "It's from a plant which has been passed down in my family for several generations as well as shared with many friends. I chose it because I want you to remember that it's never too late to start over. These plants regularly break apart and put down new roots. I want you to remember that, Madelyn. You are more than where you came from, and I know you'll thrive with this new start."

Damn it! I couldn't prevent the tears that filled my eyes and ran down my cheeks... "Th...thank you," I sniffled. "You always did know the right thing to say." I dashed my hand across my face and offered what I hoped came across as a smile.

Mr. M cleared his throat and put an arm around his wife's shoulders. "Okay. I think we should let Madelyn settle in and get some rest." He turned to me. "Enjoy your weekend, my dear. If you need anything, let us know, and we'll try to help. Mrs. Holmes is ready to get you started on Monday morning."

"I'll be there."

More hugs and sniffles later, Mr. and Mrs. McCloskey left. Even as I shut the door behind them, I breathed a little more easily. I stared at my new plant and was filled with hope.

"
H
olt
! What's up, man?" Callum called as he stepped out of his car.

My older brother had pulled in the driveway a moment ahead of me. Both of my siblings were coming for a Sunday gathering followed by a family dinner. My mother understood her children lead their own lives, but she planned these dinners at least twice a month and expected us to attend. If any of us couldn't make it, we'd better have a damn good excuse.

My father had always been the breadwinner, but it was my mother who ruled over hearth and home. She could be as soft and fuzzy as the thistle flower of her native Scotland, but if anyone crossed her or someone she loved, she was just as sharp and prickly as the briars that lay hidden beneath the bloom. She loved her family fiercely, and anyone who chose to become part of it had to accept Sunday dinners as part of the package. Growing up, there had been a lot of grumbling from my brother, sister and me when we wanted to do something else, but our mother's persistence to create a close family had paid off. There was nothing we wouldn't do for each other. I knew that firsthand since I'd been the one who ended up putting them to the test.

I fist-bumped my brother, then bypassed him for his wife, Sara. "Hey, beautiful! How are you feeling?" I helped her out of the car and pulled her into a hug and swung her around. She squealed until I set her down and kissed her cheek. Cal had managed to find a wonderful girl who I considered just as much a sister as I did my real one.

"Tired, but happy." She returned the affection and leaned her head on my chest, beaming at the car carrier her husband pulled from the backseat. I peaked at Cara, my two-month old niece who was snuggled to the point of almost hidden beneath a pink blanket. Undisturbed by my gentle kiss, she slept soundly through the commotion.

My brother and his wife had tried for three years to have a baby and had about given up hope when they found out Sara was pregnant. Now they were ecstatic about all the baby paraphernalia they toted with them everywhere they went.

A 'woof' and excited panting alerted me that I was about to be ambushed. I turned in time to be greeted with giant paws on my shoulders and a wet tongue slobbering across my face before I could call out the command to sit. Buddy, my loyal black lab, immediately responded to my voice, but his tail continued to swipe side to side, flicking up loose leaves and dirt.

"Hey, boy! Did you miss me?" I knelt down and scratched his ears until one of his back legs thumped by his side. I sure missed him. He'd been a gift from my sister, Carol, after I’d been injured in Afghanistan. At the time, I hadn’t felt like there was much to come home to, so I wasn’t doing much to pick myself up and live. I was healing physically, but not emotionally.

Carol had the idea that he might be something like a therapy dog. Although not trained as one, she thought I needed something to be responsible for. At first, I was furious with her. Initially, I cared for Buddy out of obligation since I couldn't allow him to starve and no one else would lift a finger to do it. Even his name was a random pick with little thought.

But it wasn't long before waking up to a cold, wet nose in my neck and a warm tongue lavishing puppy kisses on my face became something I looked forward to. His constant playful mood drove me to take him outside, first in my parent's yard, then eventually for longer and longer walks and hikes as I felt more like getting dressed and leaving home. During those solitude moments, my thoughts became less about the all my lost hopes and dreams and more about what I was going to do next. And at night, when memories became overwhelming, Buddy would curl up by my side and rest his head on my knees, keeping my silent tears his secret.

Cal stood next to me and held his hand toward Buddy. My dog took one sniff and gave a polite lick, then shoved his head under my hand, demanding more attention. Cal laughed at the snub. "Damn, I don't think I've ever seen a dog so devoted before."

"We've been through a lot together." As if he agreed, Buddy lifted his paw to my hand resting on my knee, like a doggy high five.

"What are you doing standing out there? Bring that baby inside. It's too chilly outside for her!" My mom's voice with her soft accent called from the doorway. Sure, she used the weather as an excuse, but we knew the truth; she couldn't wait to get her hands on her newest grandbaby.

Cal winked at me. "Notice the complete lack of concern for our comfort? We've ceased to exist since her newest granddaughter was born."

"But you wouldn't trade it, would you?" I slapped him on the back as he grinned and shook his head.

Buddy bounded ahead of us. I followed Cal and Sara into the house, watching as Cal's hand automatically grabbed his wife's. The ever-present ache in my heart flared, and I had to swallow the acidic taste of envy as I watched my mom fuss over Cara as she pulled the baby from her car seat and bounced and cooed at her.

My father emerged from the den and greeted us with backslapping hugs for his sons and a kiss for Sara. Then he hovered behind his wife and unabashedly admired and babbled some nonsense about being a princess to his youngest granddaughter. My sister, Carol, the eldest, waved to us from the dining room where she sat next to her fourteen-year-old son, Ethan. Judging by the fat book, calculator and frustrated looks on their faces, I guessed she was attempting to help him with his math homework again.

"Where are the rest of the kids?" I asked as I leaned down and kissed her cheek and ruffled Ethan's hair. She and her husband, Rick, also had nine-year-old twins, Jamie and Brittany, as well as four-year-old Andrew, named in honor of our family name.

"They're visiting the other grandparents this weekend. Ethan had a soccer game yesterday, so he stayed behind with me."

"Have you heard from Rick?" Carol's husband was a naval officer, currently deployed near the Persian Gulf on an amphibious ship. She lived in the Hampton Roads area, a little over an hour away, so she was still able to enjoy the warmth and support of her family.

"He's fine. He sends his love to everyone," she responded before being distracted by Ethan, who threw his pencil on the table.

"Why do I have to learn this stuff anyway? I'll never use it!" he grumbled. I grimaced and quickly backed away, lest they try to recruit me into helping. I'd sooner defend a known serial killer than try to figure out the always mysterious 'x.'

I settled on the couch in the living room and pretended to watch the Steelers play against the Browns while I rubbed Buddy's head as he rested it on my knee. Someday I'd have a place where he could live with me, but for now, he remained at my parents' home, as he had since I left for law school. I loved my dog, but I still longed for a different companion. I could get through most days with only a slight nostalgia that I could push aside. But surrounded by all the happy chaos of familial chatter and laughter, especially this time of year, the pain of loss became almost overwhelming.

Claire should be here with me. My mom and dad should be fawning over our children, asking her questions about her work. Instead, fate had grasped my happiness in its palm, crushed it then sprinkled the shattered remnants into the dark abyss of unfulfilled dreams, a darkness from which I never fully emerged.

Cal flopped down next to me. As if he could read my mind, he bent his head and whispered in my ear, "You can still have that, you know." He pointed toward the stairs where my mom and sister-in-law were chatting animatedly as they walked up toward the bedrooms, probably to change the baby. My dad had retreated to his den where he was probably finishing up the household accounting he liked to look over on weekends.

I shook my head.

"Holt," he began, but I held up my hand. I knew he meant well, but the sympathy I saw in his eyes only enhanced the sorrow in my heart.

"It's okay, man. I'm happy for you. I'm just glad I got to be an uncle again." I forced myself to swallow the lump of bleakness in my throat and grinned at him. "Besides, you're going to need all the backup you can get in a few years when that little beauty has all the boys panting after her."

Cal's eyes remained troubled, but his frown turned into a grin. "I'll take you up on that. I can double sic a bad-ass Marine and a top lawyer on those boys all in one package."

"In that case, I better collect a retainer fee," I joked.

Cal laughed but grew serious again. "Seriously. I think it's time, don't you?"

The downside to a close family is they felt compelled to butt in.

"Time for what? The Steelers to take the division title this year? I agree." I knew exactly what he was referring to, but playing ignorant was my go-to defense and pathetic attempt to deflect the conversation.

"Holt --"

"Cal, I know you mean well. But forever only comes around once. I had it. I wish it had lived up to its name, but it didn't. I have to live with that." 'Live' being the operative word and an interesting choice given my behavior after Claire died. Only the tough love of my family pulled me through that dark time.

"That doesn't mean you can't find someone else. Loving another woman isn't going to take anything away from Claire."

I shook my head. "I don't think so. Look, I understand what you're trying to say. I should move on and find someone to be happy with, but I'd only be settling. Claire made me feel strong and capable of anything. We saw eye to eye on almost everything. We were perfect together, and no one can replace that. She was ‘the one.’"

"I don’t believe that. She was ‘the one’ at that time in your life, and if circumstances had been different, maybe your whole lives. But life is different now,
you’re
different. So you don't replace it. You find something different but just as good. And no one is perfect, not even Claire."

"Like hell, she wasn't." I had to hand it to him; he had the balls not to back down at my angry glare.

"Holt, I know Claire was a wonderful woman," he persisted. "She was kind and sweet, and she loved you, and we all loved her. But you've allowed your memories to cloud over reality. And because of that, you hold other women up to an impossible standard that even Claire would fail to live up to at this point."

I started to stand up, but Cal put his hand on my arm and pulled me back down. "Sit your ass down and listen."

"Cal, don't be so mean." Carol's voice soothed. The couch shifted as she curled up on the other side of me. "You should listen to what he has to say, Holt."

Great. Good sibling, bad sibling - it was gang-up-on-baby-brother time.

"No, Carol. We've pussyfooted around him long enough. We talked about this, remember?"

"You've all been talking about me? Behind my back?” Didn’t they have anything better to do with all their time?

"We're worried about you, Holt," Carol said. "It's been a long time. More than long enough to move on. You deserve to be happy."

"I'm fine! And it's none of your damn business." I looked around for any person or any excuse to end this conversation before one of us said something we regretted, but everyone had disappeared.

"Bullshit," Cal burst. "We love you, so that makes you our business, especially after the hell we went through alongside you. Losing Claire was horrible. But you know what was just as bad? Losing my little brother right along with her.” He leaned closer to me and hissed, “You need to hear this. She's dead, but you aren't."

"Fuck you, Callum."

"No, fuck this 'poor you' attitude you have,” he roared. “You lost someone you loved. We get it. But it's been five years, Holt. How long are you going to put your life on hold?"

"I have moved on," I shouted.

"You changed careers, and thank fuck for that! But why don't you date? No girlfriends for you, just girls you screw and move on."

I scowled. He was right, and we both knew it, so there wasn't much I could say.

"There's no perfect girl out there. Even Claire wasn't perfect. Remember how she nearly fell apart and wanted to call off the engagement because you joined the Corps? That’s not exactly what I’d call a supportive girlfriend."

"That's because she was fucking scared for me! What would you know about what Claire was going through?"

Carol cleared her throat and leveled an eye at me. "Well, I do understand that it wasn't easy for her. We're not saying you two weren't in love. I'm saying love can look different with a different person, but that doesn't make it any less. And it doesn't deny what you had with Claire. Just don't close yourself off to possibilities because you compare everything to what you had with Claire."

I leaned my head back against the cushions and rubbed my hands over my eyes. "If I'd known today was going to be a fucking intervention, I'd have stayed home," I muttered.

"Cal, Carol, leave your brother alone." Our mom's voice had that no-nonsense tone that even as adults, we found difficult to ignore.

"But..." Cal tried anyway.

I didn't hear any other words but felt the couch shift on either side of me as it was relieved of two-thirds of its burden. I didn't need the benefit of opening my eyes to know the look my mother must have given my older siblings.

"They meant well, you know, even if they were a wee bit overbearing."

I cracked open an eye. "I know."

"They weren't wrong, either."

"You, too, Mom?"

"Dinna take that tone with me," she began. "I..."

I zoned out and began to wish for an emergency to come up at work so I could get the hell out of here. Even some mundane chore such as checking up on Madelyn Stone sounded preferable now. How bad had it become that I'd rather spend time with a released inmate than my family?

Not that Madelyn Stone was as bad as I'd been expecting. She was quick-witted, yet sensitive. She wasn't glamorous, but then, who would be after spending years behind bars? And her mouth! I liked that she wasn't afraid to call me out, rather than sucking up. Although, speaking of sucking, I wondered what she might look like with her full lips open wide and full of my...

Where the hell had all of these sudden thoughts come from? I squeezed my knee hard with my hand, mentally choking my neck. I was sickened that I could be so easily distracted from the woman that was previously being discussed. Claire was who I loved. I didn't even like women like Maddy, women who had a criminal background, someone who could be violent, unpredictable…exciting…spontaneous…with skin that beckoned to find out if it was as soft and creamy as it looked...