You Are My Sunshine: A Novel Of The Holocaust (All My Love Detrick Companion Novel)

You Are My Sunshine

By

Roberta Kagan

              All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author.

The characters and events in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental and not intended by the author.

You Are My Sunshine

Copyright 2014  Roberta Kagan

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In 1936 Heinrich
Himmler, built homes where women of acceptable blood lines were to be bred with SS officers. These homes were called “Homes for the Lebensborn.” Women who became pregnant out of wedlock could go to one of these establishments and receive the finest in food and care during her pregnancy, with no stigma attached. In fact, they were honored because they were bearing a child for Hitler, for the fatherland.  There was only one stipulation. Once the child was born, if the father was unwilling to raise it, it must be given over to the home for the Lebensborn.  When a woman entered the home, she signed papers to this effect, and the policy forbid mothers from taking their children without marriage to a suitable man.  These breeding  farms were created in the hopes of repopulating the world with a perfect Aryan race once the Nazi’s had cleared out all of the undesirables, such as Jews, Gypsies, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Homosexuals, Handicapped of any kind, and anyone else that Hitler saw fit to destroy.

Prologue

Steinhöring, Home for the Lebensborn the Highlands of Munich Germany 1939

At first, she barely noticed the quickening. It came as just a slight flutter deep in the magical cavern of her uterus. Ever so insignificant…but, Helga knew. The time had arrived. In just a few hours, the baby would enter the world. With God’s help, the child would be perfect, because defective babies never left the birthing room alive.  Helga never knew of the euthanasia until she was too far along into the program to escape. A shudder traveled down her back as she thought about the consequences of her actions. When she’d signed the papers and entered this place, she’d been wild with desperation.    Eric the dashing SS officer, who she’d fallen deeply in love with, seduced then abandoned her.  Pregnant, alone, and too ashamed to go to her family, she grasped on when the doctor suggested the Lebensborn institute it seemed the perfect solution, the only solution.   At the time, it seemed easy.  She agreed to give the child to the Lebensborn nursery as soon as it was born. In turn, she would have a place to stay until the birth, and when she left, no one would ever know what had happened. She was assured that the child would receive the finest care   until a loving family chose to adopt it. Of course, the family must meet the rigid specifications of the third Reich.  Then, as if by a miracle, everything changed the second that she felt the tiny life stir within her.  At that moment, she realized how much she had already come to love the unborn child. She found herself rubbing her belly and talking to the fetus that nuzzled inside. Panic set in.  Soon, they would take her baby and she would never see it again. Never hold it when it cried, or comfort it in sickness. She would not be there to see the little one as it took its first steps or on the first day of school. Who would hold and love her child.
Dear God what have I done? 
She rubbed her belly and gazed out the window from her bed watching for the light of the sunrise, but a shroud of darkness covered the lush countryside. Tears burned the backs of her eyes.
Forgive me little one. I was young and foolish. Now, it is you who will pay the price for my mistakes. If I could, I would give my life in trade for your safety.

Like the
runaway train she’d boarded, her destiny raced before her at a full clip now and she could not disembark.  The Nazi’s did not understand a mother’s love, a mother’s needs, a mother’s mistake.
Dear God, a mother’s terrible mistake.
She’d tried to go back on the contract that she’d signed, begged them even. “Please, let me go, please let me take my child. I will give you anything I have, anything at all. I will work and pay back the money that it cost you to keep me here all this time, but please, I am begging you, don’t take my baby.” She went to the highest authorities but they refused to listen. When Himmler came to visit the institute, as he did most months she pleaded for an audience. He agreed to see her alone.  She’d grasped his hand in hers, gripped it tightly, fallen to her knees and tried to make him understand how she felt. Her heart hammering in her throat as she chocked on the words, “Please” She begged again “Take pity on me.” She gazed up at him, her eyes glistening with tears and hope. Her body trembling as she waited for his answer.

  Himmler listened. He smiled as if he were a father
explaining why too much candy would give someone a tummy ache to a young child, and then patted her shoulder as she wept with her head hung down. “There is no need to cry, Helga. You are having this baby for our cause. For the Fatherland” He said his voice gentle. “You did a good and noble thing. Now, after your child is born if you want to raise the baby, leave here, and find yourself an SS officer get married and then the two of you can come back and adopt your child. You’re a lovely Aryan girl; you should have no problems finding a good man who would be honored to be your husband.  Otherwise, you must do what is best for the child. You see, your baby will have the finest home and family. The child will be adopted by a couple who will raise it properly to understand our Aryan ways and our doctrine. That will ensure that your little one will be a perfect leader in the new Germany, and takes his or her rightful place as a member of the superior race. You should be very proud, Helga Haswell. You should be joyful, not in tears.” He smiled and patted her head.

She released
her grip on his hand, still on her knees. Then she fell flat out on the floor and wept as he walked out the door.

Bastards, all
of them
. Helga would never have anything to do with another SS officer. She’d made that mistake once, before she knew whom the Nazi’s were, before she realized what a price she would pay.  Good for Germany, that’s what everyone said about Hitler and his band of murderous monsters. True, he’d returned Germany’s pride, but at what price? The price of human sacrifice.  This brought back thoughts of her brother, Detrick. How he suffered. Helga knew, everyone knew. Detrick loved the Jewish girl, Leah. When Detrick was very young, Leah’s father Jacob employed Detrick and offered him friendship like a surrogate father. The love her brother felt for the girl and her father was painful to witness, because Helga knew her brother suffered every day for his feelings. Every hour he was at risk. She hoped for Detrick’s sake that he’d broken up the relationship. Things would be easier on him.  But she knew Detrick, and she knew how he loved. He could never walk away, not her brother, not Detrick.

This time the pain shot thr
ough her back and Helga had to get up and sit on the rocking chair.  She might labor for hours it was hard to say. This was her first pregnancy and she’d been warned that it could be a long and difficult process. Perhaps she would die. Many women died in childbirth.  And she felt that she deserved to die, but then how much pain would that bring to Kurt?  He loved her. They had found each other right here in Hitler’s breeding lair. Kurt’s sister Hermina was her roommate. Over time, the country girl had won Helga’s friendship with her honest approach. And then one Sunday afternoon Helga’s family had come to have lunch with her.  Sunday meals were the time when family could come and spend time with the girls. Kurt was Hermina’s brother. At first, Helga had no interest in Kurt a mere farmer. But as she came to know him, his gentle sincerity won her over. They both knew the rules; the baby she carried would be left behind. When Kurt saw the hurt inside of Helga, he’d urged her to try to see if they could make the adoption.  “Promise them anything,” he told her. “Tell them we’ll raise the baby as a Nazi. Tell them we’ll follow their doctrine. Tell them anything.”  That was a stretch for Kurt, Helga knew, because Kurt hated Hitler and the entire Third Reich. Oh, how he’d tried, but in the end, all Kurt could offer Helga was a life filled with love and children she could keep, their children. This baby, the one that lay breathing gently under her heart, this child must be sacrificed to Hitler’s madness. Who was this baby? Was it a girl or boy? What would it grow up to be like?  Kind? Loving? Happy? Or mean and filled with hatred like all of the Nazis? Would it grow up to hate its mother? Helga felt she deserved to be hated, but most of all would it be loved? Would it be happy? Would someone be there to bandage a skinned knee and kiss a scraped elbow? God if only she could change what she had done.   A signature, so small and insignificant, that was all it took to change her life forever.

It
was early morning when the labor began in earnest, a little after four. Her new roommate slept soundly. Once again, Helga thought of running away. But she knew she didn’t have the courage. If she were going to run it would have had to have been much sooner than now. In a few hours the baby would be born. 

By s
ix am, the pains grew more regular, still not too strong. They shot through her back and then gripped her lower abdomen. At first, the pains were at least a half hour apart, but now they seemed to be coming every twenty minutes. She watched the sun begin to rise as a dusting of snow like tiny bits of cotton fell from the sky.
My baby’s birthday, January fourth. No matter where life takes me, on this day every year until I die, I will think of my child. I will remember, calculate its age, and wonder where life has taken it. God please, protect my baby. Watch over my baby…please.

The
housemother found Helga awake at five minutes to seven.

“You’re in labor?”

“Yes”

“For how long do you labor?”

“About three hours.”

“And your pains? When they are coming?”

“Every fifteen minutes now.”

“Stay here I get a bed and we wheel you to the delivery room.”

She labored for another five hours until the pains seemed unbearable wishing her mother and Kurt could be with her. Then Helga felt a warm liquid running down her legs.

“Her water is broke.” The
housemother said as she looked under Helga’s nightdress. “The baby is crowning.”

Helga
lay under a hot white light. She felt the sweat dripping down her face. The pains were intense now.

“Don’t push yet.” A nurse
said, “Wait… Not yet.”

Another nurse put Helga’s feet up in stirrups. The cold metal made her shiver and the depth
of the pain along with her nerves brought on nausea. She gagged.

“Wait… wait…
wait…Okay… now…push. As hard as you can.”

Helga pushed. The cords in her neck
and forehead stood at attention as every muscle in her body contracted trying to force the new life into the world.

“Wait
… Wait… alright… now… Again”

And this went on for nearly an hour before her body ripped as the tiny infant sprung from her loins covered in mucus and blood.

The nurse caught the baby.
She slapped the bottom and a hearty cry filled the room.

“It’s a little girl. She’s perfect. Beautiful.”

Helga breathed a sigh of relief. Her child was perfect; it would be allowed to live.

“Can I hold her,
please?”

“
It is against the rules.”

“Please, just for a moment. Please.”

“Yes, okay, just for a moment.”

The naked
infant lay in Helga’s trembling arms. Helga was exhausted but as she looked at the tiny perfect face, the small ears, the little hands and feet, she felt such overwhelming love and such a desire to protect the child that she feared she might get up and run out of the institution in her nightgown. The stirring she felt within her breast was like none she’d ever known. Tears streamed down her sweaty cheeks.

“I love you, little one.
And I am so sorry.”

The nurse saw the bonding beg
in and reached for the baby.

“It is best I take her
. It will be easier on you if you spend less time with her.”

“Please let me take her
home. Please. Please let me go from here and take her with me, she is only one small child, how much can one small little girl mean to Hitler? Please, I beg you, please…” Helga felt the sweat dripping down her face.