You Are Not Here (15 page)
Authors: Samantha Schutz
to be standing at Brian’s grave
when I just wrote that I wouldn’t
be coming here anymore.
It feels very ridiculous
to be standing at Brian’s grave
and holding a soup spoon.
But leaving the letter here,
in the ground above Brian,
seems like the right place.
The dirt is still a bit uneven,
but now there are lots of wisps of grass
sprouting up from it.
I crouch down and lean forward
as if I am about to whisper Brian a secret,
and begin to dig.
After about ten scoops,
I roll the letter up
and drop it into the hole.
I fill the hole back in,
stand up, step back,
and walk away.
I wasn’t.
I had to want my life back.
I didn’t.
But I do now.
I can’t flip a switch
and make things go back to normal.
But I can try.
to make phone calls,
to seek out my friends.
So after staring at my contacts list,
I finally hit
SEND
.
“Hey, Maris. What’s up?” I ask.
“Hi! I’m racing to get to yoga.”
“Oh, okay. Well, we can—”
“Do you want to come?”
My instinct is to say no.
Or to lie and say I have plans
so I can spend the afternoon in bed.
But I fight it.
“Yeah. Okay. I’ll go.”
“Cool. Pick you up in five.”
It’s been a while since I’ve done yoga.
At first everything hurts,
is stiff,
and all the talk
about heart centers,
energy, and breath
seems so strange—
not at all where my thoughts have been.
During tree pose,
I try to clear my mind
and balance on one foot,
but I wobble, I tip.
The instructor says,
“Breathe easy. Maintain focus.”
But I can’t seem to do either—
especially since Marissa is watching me
out of the corner of her eye, grinning.
I don’t know how, but she manages
to maintain the pose perfectly,
even while she laughs at me.
This makes me laugh
and wobble even more.
When we go into pigeon pose
I feel a sharp pain in my thigh.
So, just like the instructor said,
I stop and go into child’s pose.
I fold over, my chest on my thighs,
my arms at my sides,
and feel the weight
of my body
sinking into the floor.
And just breathe
breathe
breathe.
I am so grateful to my mother, father, and extended
family (the Bennetts, Dosiks, and Greenes) for their support
and encouragement; my editor, David Levithan, and the
other geniuses at Scholastic for their enthusiasm; my agent,
the illustrious Barry Goldblatt; Judy Goldschmidt, for
brainstorming with me; and finally, Dr. Stefania Giobbe
for her COD expertise.
Special shout-outs to Jessica Schutz, for being a super sister
and for helping me work out the kinks; Annica Lydenberg
for being my first and favorite reader; and Amy Wilson,
Emily Dauber, Emily Haisley, Emily Klein, Lauren Cecil,
and Nicole Duncan for their unwavering friendship.
And finally, to my Penguin posse: I never take for
granted that I get to spend five days a week with you.
You are the kindest, funniest, most creative bunch
of people I have ever met.
The “death book” is based, in part, on two fantastic books:
I
Will Remember You
by Laura Dower and
Look at the Sky:
Death in Cultures Around the World
by Shawn Haley.
SAMANTHA SCHUTZ
is the author of the acclaimed memoir
I Don’t Want to Be Crazy
, which was a New York Public Library Best Book for Teens and a
Voices of Youth Advocates
Poetry Pick.
You Are Not Here
is her first novel. Samantha lives and works in New York City as a children’s book editor. For more about her, please visit www.samanthaschutz.net.
GO THERE.
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Kevin Brooks
Black Rabbit Summer
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Candy
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Kissing the Rain
Kevin Brooks
Lucas
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Martyn Pig
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The Road of the Dead
Kevin Brooks
Ordinary Ghosts
Eireann Corrigan
Splintering
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You Remind Me of You
Eireann Corrigan
Johnny Hazzard
Eddie de Oliveira
Lucky
Eddie de Oliveira
Hail Caesar
Thu-Huong Ha
Born Confused
Tanuja Desai Hidier
Dirty Liar
Brian James
Perfect World
Brian James
Pure Sunshine
Brian James
Thief
Brian James
Tomorrow, Maybe
Brian James
The Dating Diaries
Kristen Kemp
I Will Survive
Kristen Kemp
Beast
Ally Kennen
Heavy Metal and You
Christopher Krovatin
Magic City
Drew Lerman
Cut
Patricia McCormick
Talking in the Dark
Billy Merrell
Losers
Matthue Roth
Never Mind the Goldbergs
Matthue Roth
I Don’t Want to Be Crazy
Samantha Schutz
A Little Friendly Advice
Siobhan Vivian
Not That Kind of Girl
Siobhan Vivian
Same Difference
Siobhan Vivian
Learning the Game
Kevin Waltman
Nowhere Fast
Kevin Waltman
Crashing
Chris Wooding
Kerosene
Chris Wooding
Fighting Ruben Wolfe
Markus Zusak
Getting the Girl
Markus Zusak
You Are Here, This Is Now
Edited by David Levithan
Where We Are, What We See
Edited by David Levithan
We Are Quiet, We Are Loud
Edited by David Levithan
This Is PUSH
Edited by David Levithan
Copyright © 2010 by Samantha Schutz
Cover photo © Oscar Gutierrez/iStockphoto
Cover design by Elizabeth B. Parisi
All rights reserved. Published by PUSH, an imprint of Scholastic Inc.,
publishers since 1920
. S
CHOLASTIC
and associated logos are trademarks and/or registered trademarks of Scholastic Inc.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission of the publisher. For information regarding permission, write to Scholastic Inc., Attention: Permissions Department, 557 Broadway, New York, NY 10012.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Available
First edition, October 2010
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E-ISBN 978-0-545-32881-4
