CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
George and I are sitting in Dr Nichols’s office. Finn is still away at his conference and I’ve barely spoken to Aggie since our spat at school. However, I’m taking George to the pool after this appointment so I’ll talk to her there and clear the air.
He is quiet during the consultation. Normally he runs around the room, grabbing the stethoscope, listening to the doctor’s heartbeat, pumping up the blood pressure cushion, pulling down the ruler that measures his height. Today he sits with his head bowed.
‘How are you getting on at school, George?’ the doctor asks.
‘Don’t know.’ He swings his legs under the table. ‘Don’t know,’ he repeats like a broken record.
I tell Dr Nichols about the bullying. ‘The headmaster is nice, though. You like him, George, don’t you?’
‘Mr Phipps sees me as a true person. A proper human being. He’s been helping me with my handwriting, trying to get me not to push so hard on my pencil. I can do it when he watches but when he doesn’t I start doing it hard again, I don’t know why.’ George is shaking his head frantically, still not looking up. ‘I’m stupid. STUPID.’
Dr Nichols tells him this can’t be the case because his school reports have improved. ‘Mr Phipps gives George a table that faces the wall,’ I explain, ‘with just his own things on it, to avoid any distraction, and he also insists that teachers tap George on the shoulder if they want something rather than shouting at him.’ Another technique Mr Phipps told me about was stating the obvious to George and how this should be applied at home too. We, i.e. the teacher, or Finn, or me, might think he understands what we want him to do, but because so many other distractions buzz around him like flies, he needs to hear it time and time again in order to bring him back to reality where he really
hears
the instruction.
Dr Nichols is visibly impressed. It’s the first time we’ve talked about any kind of improvement in the classroom and George’s grades. ‘How about hobbies outside school, George?’
‘I’m rubbish at everything.’
‘That’s not true …’ But Dr Nichols stops me.
‘Mum made me do piano,’ George continues.
‘What would
you
like to do?’
While George is being weighed and having his height measured, the doctor addresses me. ‘If a child chooses their own hobby, they are taking responsibility. They can’t blame the parent by saying, “It’s your fault, you made me do it.”’
‘But George loves his swimming,’ I tell him, ‘I don’t know why he didn’t tell you about that. I’m taking him to his lesson now.’
‘He could be nervous,’ Dr Nichols suggests. ‘If it’s something he’s good at, he might be scared he’s going to muck it up, like everything else.’
*
‘I didn’t think you were coming,’ Aggie says from the gallery above the swimming pool. It’s hot and the smell of chlorine is overpowering.
‘I had to take George to see Dr Nichols,’ I tell her. ‘He’s been difficult lately, what with the bullying, and he hates school even more than usual.’
We look at each other awkwardly. Do I say something first? ‘Well, he’s a different boy in the water,’ Aggie says. ‘Look how much fun they have together.’
I run a hand through my hair. ‘What am I going to do when I have the baby? I can’t get him here then.’
‘I’ll bring him,’ she offers.
‘That sounded like a terrible hint.’
‘I would have offered anyway.’
‘Well, I’d love to take you up on it, thank you.’
‘Good.’ Aggie bites her lip. ‘You’ve done a lot for me, Josie, so let me do something for you.’
‘Thank you,’ I say once more. ‘That’s really kind.’
We turn to watch them again, tension still hanging heavy in the air. One of us has to say something because we’re both being too polite. I crave to hear Aggie swear. Frédéric is gliding El through the water, George following in his purple goggles. ‘I feel I need to clear the air,’ Aggie says, staring ahead.
‘Me too.’ I sigh with relief.
She smiles now. ‘I do this, you know, have a self-destruct button I press when something too good’s happening. I know there’s nothing going on between you and Clarky, he assured me of that, and you’re happily married, for Christ’s sake. I still find it hard to believe you’ve never dated, but even if you have, what business is it of mine? It’s in the past and it doesn’t matter now. I trust you both. I’m sorry, Josie.’
‘It’s fine. I’m sorry too. I don’t blame you, OK. You’ve been through enough, what with your ex-husband having an affair and …’
‘He told you?’
Oh, God. It was going so well … ‘Clarky mentioned it briefly. He didn’t go into it at all.’
‘Don’t look so worried, Josie. I would have told you anyway.’
I breathe another sigh of relief. I’m not sure what’s allowed anymore. I can tell there is another reason why she sounds happier. ‘He wants me to go travelling with him. Wants El and me to join him over the Christmas and New Year break.’
‘That’s wonderful,’ I say, trying not to breathe in the smell of chlorine.
‘Isn’t it!’
I look into her eyes. Her smile is full of hope and the anticipation of a new adventure. It was the smile I wore when I first met Finn.
*
‘Just so you know,’ says Granny’s sharp voice, ‘my grandchildren mean the world to me, especially the one you’ve picked.’ I can hear the kettle whistling in the kitchen. It’s about to boil. Or explode. ‘If you have any intention of hurting Finn then you’d better stop what you’re doing right now, do you hear me?’ She looks firmly at my engagement ring, almost willing it off my finger. The tea trolley rattles into the sitting room, Finn pushing it across the white fluffy rug that looks like snow. Granny sits back in her chair with a sweet smile. ‘Josie and I were having such a cosy chat, weren’t we?’
I stare at her.
‘Cat got your tongue? Do you have a credit card of your own? Do you? DO YOU?’
‘That’s none of your business, Granny.’
‘IF YOU HURT MY BOY I WON’T EVER FORGIVE YOU.’ She’s laughing wildly, the tea trolley rattling an accompaniment.
I wake up in a sweat and look around frantically. Is she in the room? Am I going mad? I gulp hard and wipe my forehead. My breathing is unsteady. I wedge the pillow back under my bump. I can’t stop thinking about Finn’s granny. It’s as if she knows my doubts. My thoughts. I don’t dare shut my eyes. Relief pours through me when I realise I’m on my own, it was a dream, that’s all. Finn still sleeps downstairs, as he says I disturb him with my fitful dreams and sleep talking. I wonder how his conference is going? He didn’t call me today and his mobile was switched off when I tried. I close my eyes but hear her voice again. Leave me alone, Granny, I tell her.
I go downstairs and make myself a hot chocolate. I sit down on the deep red sofa and turn on the light on the table next to me.
I look at my watch. I pick up the phone and call Tiana.
‘Have you heard Clarky’s taking Aggie travelling?’ I stir my hot chocolate.
‘I know! Normally he can’t even commit to a second date. This has got to be serious. I think they’re good together.’
‘Mmm.’ I breathe heavily.
‘You all right?’ she asks.
‘Sort of. It’s stupid.’
‘What?’
‘I’ve had Clarky to myself for so long and I have to get used to the idea of sharing him now.’
‘You’re bound to feel like that. Everyone knows you’re close.’
‘Aggie has been through so much and deserves every bit of happiness with him … I didn’t think I was the green-eyed monster kind. I should be unconditionally happy for them.’
‘It’s hard to let go of a friend.’
I feel a lump in my throat. She’s right.
‘I had to let go of you,’ Tiana tells me. ‘It was one of the happiest but hardest things, watching you get married.’
‘But nothing changed between us.’
‘Of course it did! Not in a bad way but you had George. You couldn’t come out dancing with Christo and me. We saw each other but only for tea or coffee or Sunday lunch. I never told you this but I felt like I was being left behind, that I had no one to attach myself to instead. And you have Finn.’
‘Do I? When I need him, he’s not here.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Seeing as you’re so psychic, have I held on to the right person?’
She’s silent. Finally, ‘You’re joking? Clarky?’
‘I’m confused. Clarky supports me. He’s always there for me.’
Tiana can’t listen. ‘That doesn’t mean you love him, J.’
‘It’s probably nothing,’ I say.
‘Too right it’s nothing. Honestly, Josie! You’re just feeling lonely. Finn’s away and you spent a lovely afternoon with Clarky and then he was the one who saved the day with George at school. It makes your mind play games. You start to think you’ll have a better life with that person, you can skip off into the sunset with them and leave all your problems behind. You and Clarky have a huge amount of history, but that’s all it is, isn’t it? He’s happy now, Josie. I’ve seen him with Aggie and they are perfect together, don’t ruin it for him.’
‘That’s the last thing I want to do.’
‘He’s finally got you out of his system.’
‘You’ve spoken to him about it?’
‘Come on, you know you’ve always been his Achilles heel. Besides, can you honestly imagine your life without Finn?’
‘No, but something’s got to change.’
‘Whatever Finn’s faults,’ she says, ‘his heart is true to you. If I had a Finn in my life, believe me, I’d never let him go.’
‘I wish you’d meet someone, Wise Owl.’
‘I think I have,’ she confesses quietly.
‘What? Who?’
‘Christo.’
‘NO!’
Normally she would have laughed but I think she’s cross with me for even having these feelings for Clarky. I shouldn’t have said anything.
‘J, I’m glad you told me,’ she says as if she can read my mind, ‘but this has got to stop. It’s fatal thinking the grass is greener because it never is. Talk to Finn, tell him he needs to pamper you more, make you feel special.’
‘I don’t have time for pampering!’ I say, exasperated. ‘That’s not what it’s about. It’s George. I need Finn to take more responsibility, take more of the load off me. I can’t do it all on my own. I’m
unhappy
, Tiana.’
‘I’m sorry,’ she says more softly, ‘but you need to talk to Finn about this, not start fantasising about someone else, especially not Clarky.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me? About Christo?’ I need to change the subject.
‘I was going to. We’ve been seeing each other for a few months …’
‘A few months?’ I exclaim incredulously.
For a moment her voice returns to its normal happy tone. ‘I’ve been longing to tell you but Christo made me promise not to. He didn’t even want to tell Finn. We wanted to keep it quiet until we knew for sure. We were seeing each other at your dinner party.’
‘I thought you left early! You are such a dark horse, but I’m so happy for you.’
‘I’m happy for me too. It’s weird falling for such a close friend,’ she says without even thinking what she’s saying. ‘It could have been so wrong but it feels
right
. All I ask myself is, why on earth didn’t we do it before?’
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
I am in the bedroom trying to work out what I have to buy for the baby. She’ll need a new cot mattress and car seat. The one we had for George is out of date and wouldn’t pass today’s safety standards. Finn returns home from his conference this evening but I’m surprised when I hear him shout, ‘Josie!’
I rush out on to the landing. ‘Hello. What’s going on? Why’s George …’
‘He could have been run over on that road! Or picked up by some nutter.’
‘But George had a lesson with Mr Phipps.’
‘That’s tomorrow, Mum.’ He appears and flings his Thomas the Tank Engine rucksack over the banisters.
‘No, it isn’t. It’s today.’
‘For Christ’s sake, Josie, it was not today. What would have happened if I hadn’t seen him on the road? It’s lucky I was driving back from the airport.’
‘It was today!’ Then I am remembering flashes of a conversation. Mr Phipps switching days around. He had called me at Ruby’s office. ‘Are you OK, George?’ My stomach feels as if it’s been wrenched upside down, I’m thinking of all the danger I could have put my son in.
‘Yes, Mummy, I’m fine. Where’s Rocky?’
‘He’s OK now, but he shot across the road when he saw me, nearly got run over.’
‘All right!’ I screech, like a car braking. ‘I get it. I made a mistake. Stop shouting at me, please.’
‘You can’t afford to make a mistake like this. You can miss a deadline, you can miss a hair appointment or a Pilates class, but you do not …’
‘Don’t patronise me! I didn’t do it on purpose.’ I walk back into our bedroom and sit down. The bed is covered in old baby clothes and blankets and things I had packed away in a suitcase years ago, thinking I’d never see them again. Finn follows me. ‘If you’re so perfect,
you
can look after George. I’m sick of doing everything!’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Exactly how it sounds, Finn. I do
all
the day-to-day stuff with George. “I’ll play football with you, darling. I’ll take you shopping. I’ll take you swimming. I’ll take you to the doctor’s. I’ll go to parents’ evening. I’ll cook your supper.” I do
everything
!’
I can’t even look at my husband. ‘When was the last time you bought me flowers? When was the last time you took me out to dinner? You’re happy to go out with Alessia but not your own pregnant wife. Oh, NO!’
Finn looks like he has won now. He walks over to the window. ‘If you’re going to start being jealous of a work colleague then I’m not even going to listen to this rubbish.’
I wish he’d stop using that expression ‘work colleague’.
‘I don’t feel like your wife, I feel like a donkey.’
Finn laughs. ‘This is about George, not you and me.’
‘George is about us,’ I scream at him.
‘Well, it was lucky I saved our son’s life then.’
‘You might be treated like a god in that hospital, but it ends there. Is this what it’s going to be like when the baby’s born? Am I going to do everything all over again? Give my own life up?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I gave up that job in Paris for you, because I was pregnant.’
Finn looks tired of this argument.
‘It was an amazing opportunity for me.’ I need to deal with this resentment that’s still lodged deep in my subconscious. ‘I gave up work when George was born.’
‘Isn’t that what mothers do? Look after their children? Most people see it as a privilege.’
‘You’re just like your father. For once I see Gwen’s point of view. She was miserable too, your dad working like a maniac, never around, stuck in that big lonely house.’
‘No one’s forcing you to stay.’
‘I love you most of the time, Finn, but sometimes I hate you.’
He doesn’t look up at me. ‘What is it Granny says? Only very boring people look and behave the same way all the time.’
‘She would know. I was desperately unhappy, Finn, day in, day out, with a screaming George and post-natal depression, but nothing changed in your life, did it?’ I open a drawer and slam it shut again. ‘What have you ever given up for me? I can’t even get you to commit to an antenatal class!’
Finn sits on a corner of the bed. ‘I couldn’t miss the conference,’ he tells me again. ‘I never pushed you into having this baby. I have been nothing but patient.’
George runs into the room and out again but Finn and I are too involved in each other to see how upset he is to hear us shouting.
‘What are you doing?’ Finn asks me.
I start to throw clothes into the case.
‘Going someplace nice?’
‘Anywhere would be an improvement on here.’
‘How long are you going for?’
‘Don’t know.’
‘You’re not really going, are you?’ He is beginning to sound nervous. The phone rings. ‘I’ll take it, shall I?’ I say when Finn makes no attempt to pick it up.
It’s Granny. ‘You must be fat by now?’
‘I’m pregnant, not fat.’
‘Same thing,’ she cackles. ‘How’s my lovely grandson?’
‘Fine.’
‘And my bird of paradise? Is my boy looking after you properly?’
‘No, Granny, he’s not. I have to go, something’s in the oven.’
She starts to roar with laughter. ‘Something in the oven, my foot! You never were a good liar, Josie Greenwood. What’s wrong? Hand over Finn.’
I shove the phone his way. ‘Granny, I can’t talk now. And before you ask, I did buy you some twigs from duty free.’ He hangs up.
I start walking downstairs with the case.
‘Look, can you stop this now?’
‘Stop what?’
‘Pretending you’re going.’
‘Who says I’m pretending?’
‘Let’s calm down, OK?’
‘Too late for that. You’ve said quite enough, thanks. I’m a terrible mother who nearly had her son killed out there on the road, so over to you now, Finn. Good luck.’
‘Oh, come on, J, you’re eight months pregnant. You can’t leave.’
I don’t say anything.
‘What am I going to do?’
‘You’ll work it out.’
‘Let me guess. Off you run to Clarky when the going gets tough. I don’t know why you didn’t marry him instead.’
I laugh mockingly. ‘That’s the first sensible thing you’ve said all night.’ I open the front door, moving Finn’s suitcase out of the way.
He shuts it and stands in front of me. ‘Please, Josie, don’t do this. It was the shock of seeing George, that’s all. It won’t happen again.’
‘But it will.’
‘It won’t,’ he promises.
‘You always do this! It’s too late.’
‘Josie, I love you, don’t go.’
‘Throw in “I love you” and everything’s OK? You’re only saying it to save your own skin.’
George comes downstairs clutching Baby and a Lego box under one arm, and pulling his Thomas the Tank Engine duvet behind him with the other hand. His Lego slips from his grasp and pieces start to fall downstairs. ‘I’m ready, Mum, but I can’t find my book on the planets.’
‘George needs you. You can’t leave.’ Finn thinks this is his best chance of my staying. ‘I am sorry.’
I can feel tears in my eyes.
George places his duvet and Lego in front of me. ‘I’m just going to get my homework books and my PE stuff,’ he says earnestly, before running upstairs and tripping up on the way. ‘And my goggles,’ he calls out. He is still holding Baby. I can hear him turning his room upside down, looking for all the things that create a safe world around him.
If I don’t go now, I never will. I push Finn’s arm away and finally he allows me to open the door.
‘Josie,’ he says more gently, ‘don’t go.’ He is watching me walk away. I can’t turn around. I can’t go through with it if I see George again. I’ll have to take him with me, and I can’t. Not tonight.
‘Please, Josie.’
‘Mum! Wait for me!’ George cries out. Now that he has heard the door shut there is panic in his voice.
But I keep on walking.