Your Little Secret (33 page)

Lucy came and sat beside her best friend. "I don't know, Amber, but you need to speak to Ethan. He's a mess too."

"But it's his baby," Amber whispered out, her throat beginning to close on her as she admitted the harsh reality of the truth. She closed her eyes as her heart released a flurry of pain through her body, her chest taking the majority of its impact. “The whole time we were creating our life together, she was waiting to ruin it.”

“She’s scared,” Lucy tried to justify a reason that Eva would wait until judgement day to tell the world that she was carrying Ethan Mitchell’s baby. “She said so herself. She tried multiple times to get in contact, but couldn’t and, well, Ethan needs you now more than ever.”

“I can’t,” Amber turned to her best friends, the tears constantly streaming down her face. “He will never be
mine now. She will use that baby against me every single day, and even though I know I love with him with everything I have, I can’t live like that. I barely made it out the last time; I don’t have the strength to do it again.”

“It won’t be like that,” Lucy pushed back the concern Amber had over this.

“Did you not see the look in her eyes?” Amber asked Lucy outright. “I know she’s scared, but I also saw the look in her eyes that told me I had lost.”

“You’re reading into this far too much right now,” Lucy countered, not believing that Eva would be that conniving. “She wouldn’t do that.”

Amber gave Lucy a look of pure sarcasm, “Wouldn’t she? When I went back to Leeds and found Ethan gone, she rang me to goad. She posted on Facebook knowing I would read it. She knows how much I can’t live without him and this is her perfect excuse now to keep her claws in him. This is her way to keep us apart, and get what she wants. We know that’s how she works.” Amber dropped her gaze as she spoke her final peace, “And we all know that Ethan will do right by Eva regardless. He’s a good man, and he’s going to be an even better father. He will do everything for that child.” She dropped her gaze to her lap and felt the tears beckon again. “I’ll be forgotten by the time that baby’s born.”

Giving up on trying to find sense or question the future right now, Amber curled up onto her side. She tried her hardest to disappear, but only managed to break down in a foetal position, clinging on to the hotel pillow for dear life.

Lucy looked to Amber as she lay sobbing into pillow, and reached over to grab her phone. She didn't care what Amber said she needed, she needed Ethan and that was it. Dropping the man in question a text, Lucy then curled up with Amber, pulling her into her arms.

"Why does everything happen to me?" Amber asked. "Why does life keep testing me like this?"

Lucy lay down next to her best friend and pulled her against her. Amber's back was to her front, and she just held her while the pain rippled through her body. Stroking her hair away from her tear stained face, Lucy couldn't believe she was in this position again. Not just with the men in her life, but from ten years ago when this moment happened in the middle of their sleepover. Amber's mum and dad were arguing, screaming at each other. Amber was hidden under her covers and made Lucy hide with her. They snuggled together, with eyes squeezed tightly shut until the shouting stopped.

"I think it's over," Amber had whispered to Lucy and had pushed the cover away slowly. It was then her dad came in and dragged her from the bed by her ponytail, and threw her against the hard wood floor.

Lucy closed her eyes as the memory hit her hard and fast. She remembered how Amber’s father had leered at her, screaming, "
It's all your fault you little piece of shit!
" Lucy would never forget how Amber cowered away. His long fingers pointed at her, and Lucy was so scared that she had hid under the duvet again. "
If it wasn't for you, me and your fucking mother would be fine, I wouldn't have to worry about drinking or fucking her when and how I please! Now! Fucking now, it's over and it's your fault, neither of us love you, you were a mistake!
" Lucy had heard him lift her from the ground and slap her around the face, then the door slammed and Amber burst into sobs. She was fourteen years old, and already made to believe her existence was a mistake.

Suddenly the fresher cries brought Lucy back from the past, reminding her that present was no better. Here she was, in a darkened hotel room, her best friend distraught and Lucy had no idea how to promise it would get better.

"Shhh, Ambi, it'll be okay.  I promise." Lucy rocked her gently and stood up from the bed. "I'm going to get you a glass of water, okay?"

Amber nodded, and sat up with the pillow on her lap.
"Sorry, Luce."

"Don't be silly, it's fine. You know I'm here for you babe.
Always." Smiling, Lucy left to get a glass of water.

Distracting her, Amber's phone buzzed next to her. She looked but the emotions seemed to have vanished, replaced with numbness. Suddenly her brow furrowed, her thoughts darkened and she could only remember how life had failed her again -
He got her pregnant. Her Ethan had got another woman - who she loathed, despised - pregnant. Eva had one over her, yet again
. With numb fingers, Amber picked up the vibrating iPhone. Swiping the green bar on the bottom she held it to her ear. Ethan's deep voice filled her ears and she breathed in a shuddering breath.

"Baby?
Amber, please talk to me. Are you okay? Where are you? Please, Amber." A long pause filled the silence and Amber watched Lucy come back in and place her water on the side next to her.

"Amber? Are you okay? Who's on the phone?" Amber matched Lucy's gaze and held the phone out to Lucy.

Grabbing it she held it to her ear. "Ethan, hey." Lucy listened as he explained this complicated situation to her. "Okay, she's a mess, babe. This will do her no good. I'm worried for her as it is, Ethan.  She was so happy earlier this week, now everything’s in ruins."

Amber
laid back gently and hugged the pillow to her chest as she imagined a happier place. But darkness seemed to overcome her and cover her with a blanket, engulfing her in its warmth. She remembered how Ethan had caught her that fateful day, how her life finally made sense, how she went from losing it all, to loving it all.

Now everything was in tatters, each piece lying strategically around her, mocking her at things lost.

She could hear Lucy haggling down the phone, fighting with Ethan over not seeing her, over Eva, over everything that had transpired. Suddenly she watched as Lucy stand up, going over to the door. The panic rose in her and she sat up, about to beg Lucy not to leave her, but the moment the door opened, her heart plummeted to the ground all over again.

Ethan shot into the room, putting his phone down and looking to Lucy before making a beeline straight for Amber. The moment the light caught her tear struck face, he paused, his face falling. “What have I done?” he asked himself out loud, seeing the distress he had caused the woman he loved more than life itself. “
Ambi,” he said, putting his hand out as he went towards her.

“No,” Amber whispered at him. “Don’t touch me.” She squeezed her eyes closed, trying to help herself. “Please, Ethan. I don’t want you here!”

Feeling like he had been slapped, Ethan took a tumble backwards at her distance she thrust between them. She didn’t want him, and he felt his heart physically falter in its beating. His eyes watered, and the soreness in them rose. He hadn’t slept in days, cried over how messed up his life was becoming and how lost he felt without Amber sleeping beside him.

“Amber, I didn’t want this to happen. I swear to you we were safe,” he tried to bargain with her. He knew it sounded like idle words, but he was prepared to try anything. “It’s you I love, it’s you I want and it’s you I need!”

“She’s pregnant with your child, Ethan!” Amber bellowed, the words spewing from her at a tremendous speed, each syllable stinging her.

“I know, I know, but we live in the fucking twenty-first century, Amber. I don’t have to give you up to be a good father!” he shouted at her, trying to make her see how desperate he was to have her back.

“You’ll be an amazing father whatever,” Amber whispered dreamily, she had dreamt about their family multiple times. She hadn’t meant to, but the idea of a life with Ethan was a dream come true. “But I can’t be there to watch that life happen. I love you, Ethan, but the moment I saw her hand on her stomach, my life fell apart. She took everything from me all over again.”

“You think your life fell apart when Eva turned up?” Ethan asked, his tone becoming tight with his emotional downfall. “I haven’t slept since you packed a bag and walked out of the door, Amber! She ruined my birthday, and you killed it completely!”

Amber’s jaw slackened on her, and she allowed her mouth to just fall open. Her eyes watered and she just dissolved in front of him and Lucy. She covered her face with her hands and just cried at the utter desolation taking her body over. Heaving on her breathing, Amber tried to calm herself enough to speak. She removed her hands and looked to him, her eyes meeting his, and she suddenly began to speak.

“I-If that’s
wha-what you thi-think,” she cried, trying in vain to control herself. “I fucking love you, an-and th-the only reason I l-left that day wa-was because I-I was selfish! I wa-was selfish and petty, an-and,” she took a struggling breath to steady herself and looked up to Lucy before looking back at Ethan, “I always thought I’d be the one that ga-gave your fir-first child.”

At hearing that admittance, Ethan felt his knees weaken and he slumped onto the edge of the bed. “I wanted that too.”

“It’s too late now,” Amber whispered at him.

Ethan's gaze became dark toward her.
"Too late? It's never too late, Amber, not for us, not ever!" 

Amber stood to her feet, as a fragile Ethan sat from the end. Amber dragged her suitcase from the wardrobe, and slammed the wardrobe door, hard, causing it to shake. She threw the case on the bed, unzipped it, and started to throw clothes in from all directions. Walking over to the wardrobe she ripped her clothes from the hangers and held the clothing in a heap. Placing it in the suitcase, she tried to zip it up and pulled the heavy weight from the bed.   

"Amber, just stop!" Ethan begged, standing to his feet. "Please can we talk about this?"

Amber turned, her face drained of colour. "What is there to talk about? You won't want me now. You'll want your family with Eva.  I can't know you whilst she has a part of you inside her. That little bit of you and her, together? It's making me feel sick. I don't deserve this. Enjoy your life, Ethan." 

"You think I deserve this? You think, deep down, in your heart of hearts, that I deserve to lose the only girl I ever loved, because someone has claimed that I fathered their child? You want to let everything go? Really, Amber? You feel that little of us?" 

Amber looked back at him, and he stalked slowly towards her. Ethan reached his hand out to grab hers, desperate to feel her milky skin under his fingertips. "Don’t touch me, Ethan. Just don't. I don’t know how to feel, I don’t know how to react. My heart is being
squeezed, the air is being sucked out of me. My life is a fucking joke. I finally get some kind of happiness, to only have it snatched away, again by that fucking woman. She's the reason I can’t be with you. You know what she did at University. If it wasn't for her and her vicious mouth we could have been together. But you chose her over me. And you'll do it again, and truthfully? That's what scares me. Not the fact that she's carrying your child, but the fact that I'll lose you either way. Eva will become 'Eva Mitchell’ and I'll just become a memory." 

Ethan grabbed Amber's shoulders. "Have you heard yourself? You're not going to lose me, Amber. I've told you this, time and time again. We are forever, Amber, I'm not losing you again, I can't, it'll kill me. I know what you're doing. You're trying to hate me, so this will be easier for you. Well, it's not going to work. Because wherever you go, I'll be with you. Hell, go to fucking Timbuktu I'll follow you.
Because you’re my Amber."

Amber felt a tear fall from her eye and wiped it away with the back of her hand. She didn’t want to feel this emotion anymore. She didn't want to feel at all. Ethan cupped her cheeks, and kissed the tears away. "I fucking love you Amber. I always will, I always have. Just please, don't leave me baby. I need you." His blue eyes pierced hers, and she rested her forehead on his. Ethan searched her eyes, for her feelings. He couldn’t lose her.

"I need time," Amber whispered, barely audible. "I need time to adjust, to forgive." 

"Can I kiss you?" Ethan asked, his desperation slowly subsiding. The subject change catching by surprised as he had hoped. He could give her space. If it meant there was a possibility of them being together, he would give her anything she wanted. 

He watched as she slowly nodded, and he tucked a lock of chocolate brown hair behind her ear. Even her ears were beautiful.  Her lips were swollen from her emotion, and Ethan began to kiss her slowly, before his own emotion became apparent. He didn't want to cry in front of Amber, he didn't want to be weak. How could he let this go? Let her go? Her lips were soft, after days of not being close to her, he devoured her mouth, and kissed every inch. Sliding his tongue along her lower lip, she opened for him, and their tongues licked and caressed each other. He missed this connection with her. She was his optimal. She fucking knew this. Now, he has to give her space again and deal with the woman carrying his child. His tears fell and entwined with hers, as the emotion poured from them both. They bled together, the pain hurting them both. Amber pulled away, leaving Ethan breathless and cold without her.