Your Princess is in Another Castle (12 page)

A woman pushing a stroller and flanked by two other young children approaches the store counter with a CD.  I’d like to believe that the mother is a gamer, but as the Minus World specializes in music, movies, and videogames, the odds are not in my favor.

“I’d like for Nintendo
to give us a localized port of Mother 3 for the Gameboy Advance,” I say as I watch the woman check out.             

“I’d like to give Sc
arlett Johansson a foot massage,” says Chris.  “Sometimes we don’t get what we want.”

“Scarlett? Last time I saw her was when we went to see
The Prestige.  Don’t recall seeing much of her feet.  Are they nice?”

“Yeah, Scarlett has the feet of an angel
.  And I’m not talking about an archangel or cherubim, either.  I’m talking about the very highest order of angels, the six-winged seraphim, man.  And as far as fantasies go, and I’m talking about actual fantasies, things that could never happen in real life, one of my favorites is Scarlett as an angel lying on a cloud in the omega position.  The feet, the wings, the halo.  Just perfection.  I even made a rendering of her like that on Photoshop and posted it on DeviantArt.  I got a lot of positive feedback on it from both foot admirers as well as general Scarlett fans.”

“
I’m assuming she’s wearing some kind of low-cut white gown in the render showing off the famous Johansson cleavage.”

“No, because it’s about more than that.  I wanted t
o show people that they need to look a little lower to see Scarlett’s true beauty.  Or higher, since her feet are up in the air in this case.”        

“Yeah.  Anyway, with
Mother 3 I think it could happen.  Earthbound for the SNES didn’t sell well here, but that was before RPGs really took off in this country after the release of FF7.  Now those Earthbound cartridges can go for a hundred dollars on eBay.  Nintendo might localize Mother 3 here.  I think there’s a demand.” 

“You want to play
Mother 3 you’re just going to have to teach yourself Japanese and import it yourself, because they aren’t bringing it over here.  The Japanese love hoarding their RPGs.  They’ve been doing it for years.  Yeah, they bring some RPGs over here to give us the occasional token acquiescence.  They can’t completely ignore the money they bring in.

“B
ut the Japanese also know that that ultimately only makes us even madder when they screw us over by not releasing all their other RPGs.  I mean for every ten Ys games they put out in Japan, we maybe, maybe get one.  Why?  Because the Japanese like depriving us, that’s why.  To them Americans are always going to be a bunch of gaijin barbarians who only care about the latest Madden or Call of Duty game.”

Chris
picks up two packs of Magic cards from a display and sets them on the counter.

“How you doing?
” asks the clerk.  “That’ll be nine-sixteen.”  The clerk wears a classic style Batman shirt with the rendition of the bat-emblem inside a yellow oval.  He is also very muscular, looking like he could easily be Eddie Brock’s workout partner.             

Chris eyes the clerk’s t-shirt and smiles, a host of ba
t-memories flooding into his brain.  “Wasn’t Batman Begins awesome?” he asks.

“Uh, actuall
y I haven’t seen it,” says the clerk dismissively.

“Here we go,” I say. 

“What do you mean you haven’t seen it yet?” asks Chris.

“I mean I just haven’t seen it y
et,” says the clerk. 

Chris flares his nostrils and stares at
the clerk like he’s just been told by his wife that she’s been cheating on him with his best friend.  “Here’s the problem I have with that.  You’re saying ‘I just haven’t seen it yet’ like it has only been out for a week and you simply haven’t gotten around to it.  Now that’d be okay.  Not everyone can go to every midnight premiere.  But you see it hasn’t only been out for a week.”  Chris looks at me.  “What’s the date today?”

“
Today is Monday, November 13
th
of 2006,” I say.

Chris looks back at the clerk.  “Okay.  Now,
Batman Begins
was released on June 15
th
of 2005.  So that-”

“You remember the exact date?” interrupts the clerk.

“Yeah, I remember the exact date, just like how I can remember that May 19
th
1999 was the single most disappointing night of my entire life.  Now you’ve had precisely five hundred twenty-five days of bat-opportunity to watch Batman Begins between its initial day of release and today, but you haven’t.  And I want to know why. 

“
It wouldn’t be a big deal if you were just some random sonofabitch, a jock asshole who couldn’t tell the difference between the Flash and some pathetic rip-off of the Flash like Quicksilver.  But you’re wearing a Batman shirt, which by definition is a nonverbal proclamation of the fact that you are a fan of the Caped Crusader and yet you haven’t seen Batman Begins.  See the logic there?  You’re wearing the shirt, so you must like Batman, right?”

“Yeah, he’s okay,” says the clerk.
  “Look, your playing cards here are nine-dollars and sixteen-cents.  Are you going to pay for them?”

“Playing cards
?” Chris silently mouths.  He then angrily drops nine dollars and all the change from his pocket down on the counter.  He slides the bills over to the clerk slowly, as if he were a robber passing a note to a bank teller. 

“Eight ye
ars,” says Chris.  “Eight years and I want a reason you haven’t seen Batman Begins yet and I’m not leaving until I have one.”  He begins to slide over a dime and six pennies one at a time. 

“What the hell are you talking about
‘eight years’?” asks the clerk.

“What am I talking about?
” asks Chris.  “I’ll tell you what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about eight long years of cinematic bat-purgatory, that’s what I’m talking about. Eight years between Batman & Robin and Batman Begins and the only film from DC to fill the gap in between was Catwoman!  Like we really needed more of Halle Berry after X-Men!”

“Well
, the Catwoman movie may have sucked, but Halle Berry was hot in it,” says the clerk.  “What do you have against her?  She was good in X-Men, too.”

“Oh god,” I say.

“What the hell, man!” shouts Chris.  “You’ve seen Catwoman but not Batman Begins?  You managed to fit that piece of shit into your busy schedule but not Nolan’s masterpiece?  I can only wish the Flash would ever get such a revered and respectful treatment from a director like Nolan. 

“
And screw X-Men and screw Halle Berry.  So they gave her an Oscar for Monster’s Ball.  Big deal.  I didn’t realize getting down on your hands and knees and taking some doggystyle from Billy Bob Thornton was that monumental of an acting challenge. I can think of about a hundred pornstars who can get down on all fours and take it doggystyle with more zeal than Halle Berry could ever hope to muster and most of them don’t even have the prestige of having won an AVN award.  Halle Berry is the best in the game since Angelina Jolie when it comes to the ‘I’m hot so I’ll be hailed as a good actress’ con.    

“
And X-Men crashed and burned.  Now, I can’t say anything bad about Hugh Jackman.  You can’t badmouth Jackman.  But they screwed Magneto.  The Magneto I know would have fought against a plan to turn every Homo sapien into Homo superior.  The Magneto I know also wouldn’t find it fine and dandy to murder Rogue in the process of doing so.  I don’t see why everybody rags on the third one when one and two sucked just as much as it did.  But it’s the ABB Age now and everybody can see the X-Men movies for what they and all the other Marvel bullshit really are aside from the first Blade film.”

“ABB Age
?” asks the clerk.

“After
Batman Begins,” says Chris.  “X-Men came out in 2000, so it was made in 5-3B, five years Before Batman Begins.”

“Chris, you mentioned
Batman & Robin before,” I say.  “Maybe that’s what’s going on here.  Maybe after Batman & Robin he just lost faith.  You couldn’t really blame the guy for that.  Maybe after he saw Catwoman he realized that Warner Bros. had learned nothing at all in its years of dormancy and maybe he hasn’t seen Nolan’s other films and he just couldn’t believe anymore, couldn’t believe that they could ever again do Batman justice on screen.”

“Yeah, okay,” says Chris.  “I can see that.  Maybe you haven’t seen
Following, Memento, Insomnia, or The Prestige, so you don’t know what Christopher Nolan can really do and you’re just bitter about Schumacher and arguing from ignorance.  Like maybe you still believe in the bat, just not in the bat on film.  I could understand that.  But I’m gonna need proof if I’m to believe it.”  Chris snaps his fingers.  “I got it.  Quick, name a bat-villain that hasn’t appeared on film and is just from the comics or animated series.  Then we’ll know if you’re really a fan of the bat outside of film and have any right to be wearing that shirt.”

The clerk stares at Chris in bewilderment after a
quick glance at me requesting support, but I cannot help him.  He must finish this on his own, and admittedly I do not understand why he is wearing the shirt.  The clerk folds his arms, deep in thought, although I’m unable to tell if he’s trying to think of a villain or is considering calling the manager. 

“I don’t know,” the clerk
says at last.  “The movies pretty much covered all the major villains.”

“Harley Quinn,
” says Chris.  “You could have said Harley Quinn.  Debuted on the animated series, later integrated into the comics canon and has yet to appear in live action.”

“Wasn’t she on that
awful, short-lived Birds of Prey TV show?” I ask.

“I’ll
pretend I didn’t hear that,” says Chris.  He places both hands on the counter, leans in close to the clerk.  “I don’t know why Mike would have hired you to work here. Maybe you’re into local music or something.  I have a friend who’s into the music scene. But he’s also into videogames, Star Wars, comics, and a bunch of other geeky stuff, too.  So my friends and I have the right to wear a Batman shirt.  You clearly don’t.  And I come in here a lot and I don’t ever wanna see you in here wearing that shirt again, you got me?  If I do, I’m going to tear into you like Doomsday did to the Justice League, not that you’d know anything about that!  You got it, GNC?”

The clerk does not appreciate being threatened.  “Here’s your recei
pt,” he says forcefully as he places it into a bag along with the Magic cards.  “Have a nice day.” 

I’m
relieved the clerk is not the confrontational type.  I have no desire for a fight to begin and see Chris get pounded or wind up getting banned from the store, especially just days away from the store owner Mike’s private launch party of the PlayStation 3. Chris attempts what he believes is an intimidating stare-down as we exit the store.

“I gotta admit
, it is odd that he’s wearing that shirt,” I say.  “Maybe his mom gave it to him or something.  I don’t know.  It’s weird.  I mean the Minus World is also a music store, so if he’s really not into Batman why doesn’t he just wear the shirt of some band while he works?”

Chris stops dead in his tracks, halfway between the stor
e and his car.  “You’re right, man.  You’re exactly right.  And you know what?  That’s exactly what he’s gonna do.  Come on, we’re going back in!”

“Wait a
second.  This guy’s got more muscle than a He-Man action figure.  Are you sure you want to keep pushing this thing?”

“What makes a hero is the willingness to stand up to
people stronger than you are.  And I’m doing this for all of us.”

The door to
Minus World is thrown open as Chris reenters, more purposeful than I’ve ever seen him.  I follow behind him silently, knowing he cannot be deterred.  He walks straight to the t-shirt section, all the while being eyed by the store clerk. 

“
Maroon 5,” says Chris, finding a t-shirt of the band’s in the rack.  “The music of non-bat fans.”  He eyes the clerk.  “I’d say he’s an extra-large.  Perfect, that’s what size this is.”

Chris throws the t-shirt
down on the counter.  “I’m buying this shirt,” he tells the clerk.  “Then you’re going to take off that Batman shirt and put this one on.”

“Are you crazy?
” asks the clerk.  “I’m not doing that.  Now get out of here or I’m getting the manager.”

“Put it
on!”  Chris tosses down a twenty.  “I’m paying for it.”

“I don’t even like Maroon 5!”

“You don’t like Batman, either!  So what’s the problem?”

“I’m calling the cops!”
                  

“Take off that fucking shirt!”  Chris leaps over the counter a
nd attempts to forcibly remove the bat-shirt from the clerk.  He manages to get the offending garment pulled up above the clerk’s navel before the clerk frees himself and drops Chris to the floor with a punch to the stomach.

“I’m going t
o kill you, you psycho!” shouts the clerk.