Your Red Always (20 page)

If she doesn’t leave me alone, I’m going to yell at her any second. I’ll scream this frigging funhouse down.

“Talk to me, please sweetheart,” she implores. 

That’s it. I’m losing the will to live here. Every time someone tries to break me open, it’s bringing him to the forefront of my mind. 

I chuck the roasting trays into the cupboard and slam the door as the tears over him return. I didn’t want this today. I should have known it would happen. I should have cancelled Christmas like Cate’s Mum did. 

I hold the hob and bend, unable to breathe through the wound he’s caused inside my chest.

“Honey.” Mum rushes over and rubs my back. “I’ll bloody kill him.” She means that to. “Who is he, tell me what he did to you?”

I puff out and raise my head high. “Mum… I’ve been an idiot.”

“No you have not… it’s not Nathan again is it?”

“No.” I laugh and sob simultaneously. “God no.”

“Well, who’s made you like this; did he hit you, cheat on you?”

I gather my thoughts. If I don’t, I will end up spilling the beans, and I really don’t need her advice on relationships. I don’t even know if that’s what Adrien and I had. I’m unsure of it all.

“I’m fine Mum.” I wipe my cheeks with my wrist. “I’ll be in soon.”

She screws up her face, unhappy with my stubbornness to keep him a secret. “Oh Lizzy, when did we get to the point we couldn’t talk openly,” she saddens. “We’ve always talked. I know sometimes I can be a touch over the top, and think I know best, but don’t ever think you can’t chat with me about anything.” She picks up her glass, and now I feel worse than what I did.

“Mum,” I call, before she leaves. “His name is Adrien Knight, and he was so much more than a ten.” I faintly grin.

“Oh.” Her eyes widen. “The rich yank in property who’s only been here for two minutes… seriously?” She stares.

“Yep, that’s the guy. But I don’t even want to think about him anymore, so let just do Christmas eh.” I pick up a bottle of chardonnay with my name on it. 

As soon as my butt hits the form of the suede brown sofa, Nathan walks in. Great. Well, I have wine. I’ll just sit here and drink away quietly, while they all deafen me on the karaoke. 

He trudges behind me carrying a crate of beer. His pupils twirl, indicating it was his dad’s idea, not his. I guess I should go easy on him. He’s not done anything wrong, apart from trying to look out for me. This is what Adrien has done, made me into some unreasonable fuck-up. Well Adrien, you are now going to vacate my head thanks to this wine, and not come back. I hoist my glass discreetly.
Goodbye Mr Knight.

Why the hell did I consume all that wine? Oh god, I didn’t. I vaguely remember belting out my version of Beyoncé’s Listen. Nathan holding my hair back as I projectile vomited in the bathroom sink. Oh shit, I was sobbing on his damn shoulder.

I scrunch up my eyes and force my dying body upright, licking my dry lips because of the rancid taste in my mouth. Did I actually lick an ashtray last night? I breathe in and out a few times, fighting to keep my eyelids open. The winter sun spills through the wafer thin grey curtains of my old bedroom. I’m completely disgusted with myself. But I should have known, Nathan was here and he’s a bad influence on me.

“Lizzy, Lizzy,” I hear Mum yelling.

Oh, I really don’t want to move today. I fall back onto my pillows, ignoring her.

“Lizzy!” I squint, noticing her voice is coming from the window.

“Okay,” I moan out in pain.

I fling my green duvet on the floor, rubbing my gritty swollen eyes as I slowly stand. I tug the curtains just a little to see Mum outside, stood in the inch of snow, wearing her sunglasses and puffy padded coat. What is she doing; has she not been to bed yet? 

She looks up at my bedroom window and throws her arms out to the side. Baffled, I pull the curtains wide-open, to see there’s a brand new, charcoal colour car, parked on the drive.

“What the hell.” 

I quickly stagger, slipping my brown boots over my cotton pyjama bottoms, while clumsily grabbing my coat.

Out of breath, I race downstairs and out through the front door. I trip and skid in the snow, while clutching my coat together because it’s freezing.  Mum dances side to side, smiling at it. I don’t know whose car it is. Perhaps she’s been entering one of those daytime television competitions again, and actually won this time.

“Mum?”

She lumbers, giggling. “Looks like Santa’s left a belated present,” she sings.

“Mum,” I huff, with the most horrendous head pain.

She hands me an envelope with my name printed on the front. I study it for a moment, then rip it open, frantically. I take out the think paper, and unfold to read:

Dear Elizabeth

                      I note to wish you a Merry Christmas. I sincerely hope you are well, and hope you don’t mind the gift. But when I saw it, I thought of you. All the relative documents are in the glove box.

Deepest regards

A. Knight.

I drop the letter down by my side and gape at the brand new Jeep Cherokee. Same car I drove in Killiecrankie. I’m totally lost for words. What kind of letter is this anyway? Relative documents and regards. It’s shit, cold, and formal. Come to think of it, how did he know where I’d be staying? I never told him my mum’s address.

“Wow… honey this is one grand gesture,” Mum beams.

It is. It’s just a gesture. A meaningless gift. And why? So he can keep me on my toes, on his hook, waiting to reel me in when he wants. I wanted him that’s all. This car is worth jack-squat to me. In anger, I rip the note up into small pieces, and scatter it in the snow. 

I charge into the house. He’s not even called me, and he sends me a frigging car. Well he can have it back.

I pace up and down before the black fire surround. I really cannot describe how mad I am.

Geoff descends the open staircase half-asleep. “How are we all feeling this morning?” 

I was rather delicate when I woke, but now, I’m steaming with this red rage. I’m extremely pissed-off, and woe betide anyone who tries to tell me to accept it.

“Lizzy’s fella…”

Mum has that very wrong. “He is not!”

“Well, he left a gift on the drive for her.” She points outside. “And she’s not best pleased with it.”

Geoff looks through the door. “Well that’s the biggest sweetener I’ve ever seen.”

“I think it’s generous,” Mum adds. “Why don’t you have a nice hot coffee, and have a think about it,” she says.

I stomp to the stairs. “There’s nothing to think about because I’m taking it back.”

I’m washed and dressed in record time to say I’m hung-over. I zip up my overnight bag and bounce down the stairs with it. Mum sits on the sofa quietly, still in her huge coat. I know what’s coming. She might be the kind of person to forgive and forget after receiving some flashy gift, but I’m not.

“Mum, where are the keys?” I wave my fingers.

She pulls them out of her pocket and holds them up. I snatch them, and walk to the door with tunnel vison.

“Hold on,” she yells, jumping up to hustle around the back of the sofa. “Please calm down. You go out there driving like a woman possessed, you’ll get pulled over.” She hugs me tight.

“Mum, I’ll be fine.”

“You don’t look it,” she worries. “I don’t want a phone call telling me my daughter has wrapped her car around a tree.”

She’s right, and is only concerned. But I can’t sit here with that monstrosity of a gift anywhere near me. It has to go back.

“Sorry Mum,” I calm. “I promise you, I’ll be fine… okay?”

“Fine, but you call me… let me know you’re safe.” She pecks my cheek.

I nod in agreement. I will try to take her advice on bored, no matter how difficult it is. I’m just going to drive the car back to the city, and hand it over.
Soothing thoughts Liz. You can do this.

I get into the car and immediately it brings back memories of Scotland. Even the smell of it is stirring my emotions. And it’s also automatic, which I’m presuming Adrien chose for safety reasons. 

                                                                 ***

The streets are busy. The Boxing Day sales have brought all those who were well behaved yesterday, out of the woodwork for a bargain. Due to me not having residential access, I’ve had to park the car at Guy’s hospital, which is a three minute walk away from The Shard. A walk that seems to be taking me a lifetime. I’m cold, stressed, and have absolutely no idea how I’ll react when I see him. The good part of my conscience is telling me to be civil. And the ruthless, tells me to hit him hard in the face.

I dash up the stairs and through the giant glass doors. There’s no other way. I have to go through reception. The elevator below the building, takes residents straight to their apartment, and I don’t have that option right now. 

I move across the glossy floor, bumping into tourists as I try to figure out where I supposed to go. I’ve never been in this part of the building and feel lost. Finally, I spot it; the long grey reception desk.

I’m clammy, and this hangover is beginning to take its toll. As the pretty receptionist smiles politely, showing her bleached teeth, I become overly aware I’m not looking my best today.

“Welcome to the shard,” she says. “Will you be dining in one of our restaurants, or taking in the view from one of our balconies,” she grins, revealing more twinkling teeth.

Do I look like I want to eat in a five star restaurant; alone, hung-over, furious, and heartbroken. No lady! You push your little buttons for me, and call apartment thirty-three.

I curve my lips into a fabricated smile. “Please could you buzz apartment thirty-three, and tell Mr Knight that Miss Lovell is here to see him.”

“Oh.” She shakes her head. “Mr Knight dined with colleagues, and left a few hours ago, Miss.”

I growl out. She can see I’m in no mood for this. I squeeze the edge of the desk, and push myself back.

“When will he be back; do you know?” 

“No Miss.” She angles her chest back. “I can take a message if you like,” she says, vigilantly.

“No,” I snap. “Thanks anyway… Oh, do you know by any chance who he was with?”

“He was with his PA.” 

Slutty Sara; he’s eating out alone with her?

“Oh, well that’s just fantastic,” I utter, turning sharply.  

I’m back at the car before I know it. I think I actually jogged here. Maybe I should have handed the keys over to the receptionist at The Shard, and left his car here in the hospital car park. Why should I care if he gets a ticket, or the car get clamped? But it’s too late now. I’m not going back into that building. 

There’s only one person who can help me out; who has the info I need, Nathan. I know he’s been to Sara’s place. I slam the door, take out my mobile phone, and scroll to his name.  

“Hey,” Nathan grunts. “What’s up?” Crap, I’ve woke him up. “Good night last night.” I know he wants to tell me all about my drunken antics, but it’s not going to happen.

“Nathan, where does slutty Sara live?” I ask quickly.

I hear him shuffle and yawn. “Liz… why the hell do you want to know that?”

I can’t tell him I’m driving this brand new car back to Adrien. It’s a gift, and I don’t want. I can’t bring his name up. He’ll question, and go on and on. Especially after I probably called Adrien all the names under the sun last night. He’ll be here within minutes if he finds out what’s happened. He’s been looking for an excuse to go all fisticuffs with Adrien, and this will provide him with one. I have to come up with an excuse. He still thinks I’m at my mums.
Think Liz, think.

“Err… I have some correspondence I need to post to her.” My body scrunches right back into the seat. I’m such an awful liar.

He pauses. He’s thinking, and he’s dangerous when he’s doing that.

“What sort of correspondence?”
Oh shitty, shit
. “Are you working for Mr Prick or something Liz… thought you hated him now?”

I crumple my eyes tight. “Some car rental information… from when I went to Scotland. It was in my handbag and I thought I’d send it back.” I anxiously zip my mouth before anything else suspicious emerges.

“Oh,” he yawns again. “It was a while ago; let me think.”

Why do you need to think Nathan; because you’ve bedded ten different women since then? My parking ticket runs out in a minute, so hurry up.

“It was Thomas Street,” he says. “That’s it. Nice place she has. Think its number five.”

“Thanks Nathan.” I go to hang-up.

“Hold on,” he wails down the receiver.

“What is it Nathan?” I grumble.

“It’s Boxing Day, do you fancy going out, placing a few quid on the gee-gees.”

“I’ll call you back.” I cut him off fast.

Okay, Thomas Street. I start up the engine. The fact I really love this car is of no relevance I continue to tell myself. Even though it is amazing and drives like a dream, it’s tainted by him and his money.

                                                            *** 

I indicate and turn left onto Thomas Street. It’s a long road with old mills, shops, and houses to each side of me. I drive slow, eyes scouring the buildings for numbers. I see a hair salon, with the number 67 on the door. So I guess I’m on the right side. 

I continue on and countdown. I reach number thirteen, and have been stuck behind this stupid red bus for the past five minutes. It’s been pulling in and out using no indication at all, and is taking up the entire road.

The bus moves into the curb, so boldly I put my foot down to overtake it. I manage to squeeze through a gap that’s big enough for one car only. As soon as I pull out in front I see it, Adrien’s Land Rover, parked up outside number five. 

Don’t put two and two together Liz, tis a hazardous combination. 

He wouldn’t would he? Would he give me this car and fuck Sara on the same day? We aren’t an item, so I guess he’s free to do as he pleases. I shouldn’t give a rats-ass, but I do. I’m beyond irrational right now. I am turning into the female version of Hulk.

I stop behind his car and shutdown the engine. My speeding heart rate is taking my breath away. I look up at the red and white brick, three story townhouse. I inhale and blow out. All I’m going to do, is hand over the keys and flag down a cab to take me home.

My legs tremor as I pull out the brass knocker and bang it three times. I peer down at the pavement, fidgeting. The door flies open. Sara looks at me in astonishment, dressed in just a t-shirt. She has no make-up on her face and her hair is, well what can I say, sex hair. I hear laughing and joking coming from the emerald green stairwell right behind her. I have the sudden urge to thump her in the face. I screw my fists into a tight ball, and have to hold my arms against my thighs firmly to stop myself.

“Elizabeth,” she squeals with big eyes. “What are you doing here?”

Right Liz, just give the keys to her and walk away from this mess.

“Please can you give these to Mr Knight?” I slam the keys in her hand. “Tell him I have a car, and don’t need his big fancy gifts.” I turn away, wanting to burst in anger.

“Wait Elizabeth,” she yells.

I flick my head to her, holding in air while gritting my teeth. I wait as she pulls her door shut, so no one inside can hear. She takes a step to me, then another. She comes any closer, I will not be responsible for my actions.

“Mr Knight hasn’t been in touch because he’s been having a few problems at work,” she rushes. “He would really like you to keep the car.” She holds out the keys.