Your Truth is Out There (Find Your Truth Book 1) (39 page)

“Theo?” said Alcorn, putting his hand on his son’s shoulder.

“Don’t worry, Dad, I’ll pull myself together and be the good soldier you want me to be by the time we get there.”

Dear God,
thought Alcorn,
what have I done to my child?

“No, Theo,” he said, pulling his hand back as if he’d been bitten, “that’s not what I came to say.” He took a deep breath and then let it out. “It’s not at all what I came to say.”

“Then say whatever it is you have to say and get it over with.”

Alcorn looked again at his son, suddenly unable to speak. The words he’d prepared had all left his mind. There was nothing he could say that would make things right. He wished with everything in him that he was somewhere else.

“Well,” said Theo, “are you going to say anything, or just give me that dumb stare of yours? Because, honestly Dad, if that’s all you’ve got, then I’d just as soon you leave now.”

Alcorn stood up and started to walk away.
It’s better this way,
he told himself. It’s what he always told himself.

“Yep, that’s what I thought,” said Theo, the scorn in his voice unmistakable.

Alcorn stopped.
What am I doing? Right or wrong, good or bad, this boy needs to hear the truth. For his own sake, he needs to know.
He turned back to his son.

“Theo, I’d like to tell you that I’m sorry for everything I’ve done. That all of this is my fault. I’d like to ask if there’s any way that you could forgive me. But, true as all of it may be, that’s too simple, too much of a trivialization of everything that’s happened between us, and I won’t insult you by going there.”

Theo remained hunched over and silent. Alcorn stepped back over to the seat next to his son and sat down.

“So what I will tell you is this, a story I don’t think I’ve ever had the guts to tell you. We all have certain memories burned into our brains, certain events, both good and bad, that we will never, ever forget. My greatest memory, the best moment of my life, is the moment you were born and holding you in my arms, realizing you were my son and just how much I loved you.”

“I guess it’s pretty much been all downhill from there, hasn’t it, Dad?” Theo emphasized the ‘Dad,’ twisting the dagger just a little deeper.

He’s not going to make this easy,
thought Alcorn.
That’s okay, I don’t deserve easy.

“I’ve been disappointing you ever since,” said Theo.

“I’ll agree that it’s been downhill with us, all right,” said Alcorn, “but not because of anything you’ve done. Contrary to what I’ve led you to believe, Theo, you’ve never disappointed me. I’m the one who’s been a disappointment.”

Theo looked up finally.

“You sure could’ve fooled me.”

He started to get up.

“Theo, don’t go. Please? I know I don’t deserve it, but please let me finish before you give up on me completely. After that, if you never speak to me again, I promise I’ll understand and I won’t bother you again.”

Theo sat back down.

“I’ll listen,” he said, “but no matter what you say, if anything happens to Mom, we’re through.”

Alcorn nodded his understanding, but couldn’t speak for the lump in his throat. If anything happened to Janny, he wasn’t sure he could bear losing Theo too. But that would have to wait for now.

“As I was saying,” he said, when he regained his composure, “as much as I tried in the beginning to make it about you, to get you to be more like me and less like your mother, the more I realized it was my own insecurities rather than anything you’d done. Theo, you were a child for God’s sake, how could it have been your fault?”

“You sure made me feel like it was my fault. I always seemed to fall short of your expectations somehow.”

Alcorn’s heart was breaking, because he knew it was true.

“I know,” he choked out, tears falling down his cheek. “For that I’ll be never stop being ashamed.”

Theo wasn’t finished, he was on a roll now and wasn’t going to let the opportunity pass him by.

“But then after a while, as if being disappointed in me wasn’t enough, you decided to simply ignore me, like I wasn’t even worth your time.”

No!
Alcorn wanted to say.
No, that’s not why I did what I did!
But he couldn’t speak, not even a word, for he was openly crying now, the guilt and shame from the pain he’d inflicted on his son was too much to bear. This wasn’t going at all as he’d planned.

“Don’t expect any sympathy from me, old man. You don’t know how many times I cried myself to sleep because of you.”

Theo stood up to walk away, but paused to look down at what Alcorn knew had to be a pathetic sight.

“You know,” said Theo, “I was telling Lhvunsa just a bit ago that I wasn’t nearly as angry with you as I acted, that it had become more of a habit than anything. But once I heard what had happened to Mom, I realized that I was just kidding myself. She’s the only one who has ever truly loved and accepted me for who I am. You’ve certainly never cared much for me, at least you’ve never shown it, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from you, it’s how to return the feeling, or in your case, lack of feeling.”

Alcorn grabbed at Theo’s hand.

“Wait, Theo, wait.”

“Why should I? Give me one good reason why I should give a damn whether you live or die or just fade away?”

“Because you’re right,” said Alcorn standing up to face his son, not bothering to wipe the tears away. “You’re right to hate me. You’re right not to give a damn about whether I live or die, but you’re not right about the why, and that’s important—not to me, it’s important to you. And, it’s important to your mother. So please, just sit down and listen.”

Theo’s glare seemed to diminish, but only by a degree or two. He was still hot and Alcorn knew he had every right to be, but he also knew that Theo had to understand the why behind the actions. Theo had to understand beyond the intellectual, that what Alcorn had done to him had nothing to do with anything Theo had or hadn’t done. He had to fully grasp that everything Alcorn did, all of the mistakes he had made, were all of his own doing, and not because of any flaws or shortcomings in Theo’s personality.

He also needed Theo to know that no matter how badly he’d screwed up, it was out of incompetency, not indifference. He had to know, but not for Alcorn’s sake. He wasn’t seeking redemption, nor was he attempting to salvage a relationship that was broken beyond repair. He knew that ship had long since sailed. This was for Theo’s sake. His son had to truly understand his own value and worth or, successful as he may be, he would never escape the demons that haunted him. And Theo could never do that as long as he held on to his destructive bitterness toward dear ol’ Dad.

“Okay Dad, tell me why that’s so damn important.”

Alcorn noticed that Theo hadn’t sat back down. He nodded his head up and down slowly, trying to gather his thoughts.

“Theo, do you remember when you were eight and I tried to take you and your friends to the zoo?”

“When something leaves that deep of a scar, it’s kind of hard to forget,” said Theo.

“Do you remember other events that went similarly?”

Theo looked at Alcorn.

“That’s kinda the central theme of what we’re talking about here, isn’t it?” Anger and resentment dripping from every word.

“Yes, but think about it, Theo. You said a minute ago, that when you stopped disappointing me, I simply ignored you and walked away. But, if you think about that trip to the zoo and the other disasters, you might remember that I tried. You may not have been able to see it at the time, but I was trying to figure out how to be in your life without hurting you.”

“Don’t try and justify yourself to me, now, after all these years. You don’t get to do that.”

“I’m not justifying myself, Theo. I know you and I are broken. I get that, but just stop and listen to me for a minute. I didn’t just turn my back on you. I tried to be a part of your life, but I didn’t know how. Theo, it wasn’t your fault, it was mine. At first, I tried to change you, and it was wrong. When I realized what I was doing and how wrong it was, I tried to figure out how to be in your life, without trying to change you, but all I did was make things worse. In the end, I couldn’t bear seeing how much I was hurting you, so I stepped back and just let your mother take over, hoping that she could fix what I’d broken. But, as we both know, that only made things worse.”

Alcorn looked down at the floor and let out a deep sigh.

“Son, I’ve made a mess of things, I know I have, but you have to know, for your own sake, that none of this was your fault; none of this was about you. It was about me being completely incompetent and not having the first clue what to do about it.”

Theo didn't respond, but sat down silently, head bowed, next to his dad. Alcorn waited, giving his son as much time as he needed.

“The great General Theodore Eustace Alcorn, incompetent,” said Theo, head still down. “I like the sound of that.”

Theo looked over at him, the beginnings of a smile on his face, and Alcorn knew that, even though not everything was resolved between them, the bridge was not completely destroyed. There was hope, which was more than he had expected, and more than he deserved.

“Yeah,” said Alcorn, “me too.”

“So, now what?” said Theo. “You’re not gonna hug me or something corny like that are you?”

“I don’t know, I’m the incompetent one, remember? Am I supposed to hug you?”

“Let’s pass on that for now,” said Theo, “and figure out what we’re going to do about Mom.”

“Works for me,” said Alcorn. He took a deep breath and looked away.

Now we really come to it
, he thought.

“How much has your mother told you about her and me, and our working relationship?”

“Not that much, just that sometimes she offers you advice on some of your missions.”

Alcorn shook his head. “Yeah, she undersold that one, by quite a bit,” he said.

Theo looked confused. “What’s that mean?”

“The truth is, your mother actually holds the same security level I do, and has almost my entire career. She’s the reason I’ve been as successful as I have been. I doubt I would have made it past Captain if it weren’t for her. Your mother and I are partners and have been in everything we’ve ever done.”

“Except in raising me,” said Theo.

“Even partners have disagreements, Theo. Your mother has never stopped trying to get us together; trying to get me to overcome my incompetence, among other things. So, don’t blame her for any of the problems between us.”

Theo looked down and didn’t respond.

“Anyway,” continued Alcorn, “as my career progressed and I climbed the ranks, one of our topics of discussion was the possibility of this very scenario, an enemy using my family against me. We came up with a plan, but I don’t think you’re going to like it.”

Theo looked up at Alcorn, a concerned look on his face. “What is it?”

“Come on,” said Alcorn, standing up, “we should tell everyone so there won’t be any confusion when we’re face-to-face with Ricnor and your mother.”

Lucy.

Wait, what? Lucy?

Henry shook his head in an attempt to expel the unwanted thought of his wife, or ex-wife, or whatever she was from his mind.

What exactly is she anyway?
He thought.
And why in God’s name am I thinking of her now, when we’re just about to rescue the General’s wife.

He shook his head again and looked around at everyone else from his secluded spot in the back of the ship, where he’d quietly escaped while Alcorn was explaining his rescue plan to the others. He’d listened to the plan, of course, but after his one and only experience with a gun nearly killed Gsefx during their first encounter, Henry had decided his role would be to provide moral support and nothing more.

Qilzar was in the pilot’s seat, focused solely on the task of flying and safely landing the ship at the location Ricnor had instructed in his communication just a few minutes ago. Alcorn was sitting next to Qilzar, looking as grim as Henry had ever seen him, and that included the many interrogations they’d been through together before they ended up on the same side. Behind them sat Gsefx, Lhvunsa, and Theo, all sitting in silence, all looking straight ahead, either too focused on the task at hand to speak, or, more likely, not knowing what to say to one another at this moment in time.

As he looked at them, his thoughts inexplicably leapt back to Lucy. He wondered where she was and how she was doing. Then he remembered it was Lucy he was thinking of; she was doing fine. Still, he hoped she really was doing okay and finding the life she was looking for. Henry caught himself again. Why was he thinking about her at all, and why now? He tried to concentrate for a moment, examining his feelings to determine if perhaps, he was still in love with her, after all. He shook his head. No, that wasn’t it. He had no desire to ever see her again, much less spend any time with her—particularly after what she’d done to him the last time they were together. No, it was something else, he just couldn’t figure out what it was.

Come on Henry,
he thought,
you’re supposed to be this amazing reader of truths, why can’t you figure out your own?

“Look sharp, everyone,” said Alcorn, breaking Henry’s concentration. “We’re here. Is everybody clear on what we’re doing?”

Everyone nodded their heads in affirmation. Everyone, except Henry.

“Henry,” said Alcorn, “are you with us?”

Lucy, along with Henry’s search for truth, would have to wait.

“Yes,” said Henry. “I’m with you.”

Alcorn nodded his head in curt acknowledgement as the ship touched down.

Qilzar powered down and opened the door. Alcorn led the way, followed by Theo, Gsefx, and Lhvunsa, all armed with annihilators, which, according to Gsefx, were more accurate than obliterators, although not as powerful. Qilzar and Henry came last, unarmed. They would transfer the paintings from their ship to Ricnor’s. A price all, including Henry, were willing to pay if it meant saving the life of Janice Alcorn.

Henry stepped from the ship onto what felt like concrete, although considering where he was, he was pretty certain it wasn’t. He hadn’t been paying attention when they were descending or landing, but it appeared they were in some sort of airplane hangar, or spaceship hangar to be more precise. By Earth standards, it seemed enormous, large enough for at least two dozen large passenger jets. But judging from his recent experiences in galactic travel, Henry guessed that this hangar was probably considered relatively small, by non-terrestrial standards. Qilzar had landed close to another craft, identical to the one they’d arrived in, except that it didn’t have Gsefx’s smaller ship connected to it.