You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice (19 page)

2. Place box on bed in bedroom. (Preferably child’s bed.)

3. One stick (10 inches).

4. Prop up one end of said box with stick.

5. One string (10 feet).

6. Tie string to that stick.

7. Human baby blood (1 pint).

8. Pan or tub.

9. Place baby blood in said pan or tub.

10. Place pan or tub under box.

11. Hide in the closet and keep the other end of the string taut in your hand.

12. Peer through keyhole. When the ghoul starts to lap up the human baby blood, simply tug on the string, causing the stick to fall and the ghoul to be captured in the box!

13. Set fire to box and ghoul.

You’re welcome.

Rainn

Lizz Winstead

Dear Lizz:

What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea?

Esther
Decatur, IN

Dear Esther:

Like all rock throwing in the region, it will be greeted with Israeli rocket fire and sanctions.

Lizz

…

Dear Lizz:

I hate my neighbors. How can I passive-aggressively let them know how I feel?

Annoyed in Akron

Dear Annoyed:

Here’s a great passive-aggressive technique I have always had luck with. Invite them to dinner, and while you are reminding them that you had asked for a Merlot but the Pinot Noir they brought will probably be okay, let the husband know you would have to drink three bottles of it before you could even think of having sex with his wife.

If that doesn’t work, burn down their garage.

Lizz

…

Dear Lizz:

Do you know the origin of the phrase “head over heels”? My personal experience has taught me that most of our heads are usually over our heels, unless we are grotesquely deformed. So to say I am “head-over-heels in love” is basically like saying I am “hands-at-the-end-of-arms in love.” Riiiiiiight?

Hannah Pantone
Salem, OR

…

Dear Hannah:

The origin of the phrase actually came from the era in our evolutionary process when Jesus rode dinosaurs, and the shinbone and foot grew out of the upper base of the skull. This is Science 101. So, Hannah, you are not “riiiiiiiiight.”

Lizz

…

Dear Lizz:

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll sneak to the computer while my girlfriend is asleep and browse the army recruitment website. Should I set aside my beliefs against harming others, put my career plans on hold for three years, and risk the mind-fuck that comes with killing another human being? Somebody has to do it, right?

Morally Foggy in Northern California

Dear Foggy:

So many people don’t explore their passion for bloodlust and sit back while others go for their dream of nurturing their inner killing machine. Harming others is fun. If they are stupid enough to let themselves be harmed, whose fault is it really?

So I say, “Go for it!” You’ve only got one chance on this earth. But when you go sign up, if you are gay in any way,
do not mention it!
K?

Lizz

…

Dear Lizz:

I’m interested in finding a new job in this shitty economy. Can you advise me which field to look for work in? I am good at nothing
.

Kevin Albert
Oshkosh, WI

Dear Kevin:

I would recommend looking into opportunities in cable news or at the meatball bar at IKEA.

Lizz

…

Dear Lizz:

Whatever happened to skorts and slap bracelets? They were so cool
.

Missing the good ol’ days
Chicago, IL

Dear Missing:

Like all fashion trends that combine two cute garments into one hideous one, the skort was pushed into fashion oblivion by its newer cousin the “shant,” the short/pant. And the shant is already in fashion’s rearview mirror as trendsetters everywhere are sporting the “skump,” the skirt/pump, and the “trong,” the trouser/thong.

As for the slap bracelet, I think you can read about where it ended up in paragraphs twelve and thirteen of the torture memos.

Lizz

…

Dear Lizz:

Which perfume is more likely to get me laid? Floral or food flavored?

Marianne Kuban
Fayetteville, AR

Dear Marianne:

Try to find a scent that combines both, like a Cool Ranch Patchouli.

Lizz

The Horrible People

Aziz Ansari
can be seen in the NBC series
Parks and Recreation
, as well as movies such as
Funny People; I Love You, Man;
and
Observe and Report
. He’s also one-third of MTV’s hit sketch comedy series
Human Giant
.

Judd Apatow
wrote and directed the films
Knocked Up
and
Funny People
and was the cowriter and director of
The 40-Year-Old Virgin
. He was also the executive producer of the television series
Freaks and Geeks
.

Fred Armisen
is, among other things, a repertory cast member on
Saturday Night Live
. This may not still be true when you’re reading this. Welcome to the future!

Maria Bamford
stars in her own Web sitcom on
SuperDeluxe.com
and in Comedy Central’s
Comedians of Comedy
. Her other appearances include
Late Night with Conan O’Brien, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
, and
Comedy Central Presents … Maria Bamford
.

Todd Barry
is a stand-up comedian who occasionally acts. He played Mickey Rourke’s mean boss in
The Wrestler
and the annoying bongo player on
Flight of the Conchords
. He’s done stand-up on
The Late Show with David Letterman
and
Late Night with Conan O’Brien
, and in two Comedy Central specials.

Samantha Bee
is the Most Senior Correspondent at
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
. She enjoys unicorn-themed collectibles and watching kittens play with balls of yarn.

Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter
are former and current members of the comedy troupes The State and Stella, performers in the cult movie
Wet Hot American Summer
(which Showalter also cowrote), and begrudging costars of the Comedy Central series
Michael & Michael Have Issues
.

Andy Borowitz
is a writer and comedian whose work appears in
The New Yorker, The New York Times
, and at his award-winning humor site,
BorowitzReport.com
.

Michael Cera
was a cast member of the short-lived TV show
Arrested Development
and has appeared in the movies
Superbad, Juno, Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, Year One, Paper Heart
, and
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
. He’ll be playing Nick Twisp in the upcoming adaptation of
Youth in Revolt
.

Vernon Chatman
and
John Lee
cocreated a show on MTV2 called
Wonder Showzen
, which featured puppets saying and doing horrible things.

Rob Corddry
was a correspondent on
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
for five years. He’s appeared in movies such as
Old School, What Happens in Vegas, Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
, and many others. He also stars in the WB Web series
Childrens’ Hospital
.

David Cross
was a runner-up at Seattle’s Boeing Airplane Plant Hot Sauce Challenge for Charity 2002.

Larry Doyle
, a former writer for
The Simpsons
, works in showbiz and writes funny things for
The New Yorker
. He lives outside Baltimore with his wife, Becky, their three children, and one dog, until it dies, and then no more dogs, according to the wife. His novel,
I Love You, Beth Cooper
, is being made into a movie.

Paul Feig
is the creator of the former NBC series
Freaks and Geeks
, as well as the director of the movies
I Am David
and
Unaccompanied Minors
and many episodes of the TV shows
Arrested Development
and
The Office
. He is also the author of the books
Kick Me, Superstud
, and
Ignatius MacFarland: Frequenaut!

Jim Gaffigan
is a stand-up comedian, actor, and writer. He can currently be seen on the third season of TBS’s flagship comedy
My Boys
and in
17 Again
with Zac Efron. He appeared in Sam Mendes’s
Away We Go
.

Zach Galifianakis
’s first stand-up gig was in the back of a hamburger restaurant in Times Square. He now travels the country doing stand-up and appears regularly on late-night talk shows. He lives in Venice Beach, California.

Janeane Garofalo
is a comedian, writer, political activist, and retired bike messenger.

Daniel Handler
is the author of the novels
The Basic Eight, Watch Your Mouth
, and
Adverbs
, and far too many books as Lemony Snicket. He lives in San Francisco with his wife and child.

Todd Hanson
is a writer and editor for
The Onion: America’s Finest News Source
. He lives in Brooklyn with his two cats, James Boswell and Dr. Samuel Johnson.

Tim Heidecker
and
Eric Wareheim
are the costars, writers, and creators of such Cartoon Network shows as
Tom Goes to the Mayor
and
Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!

Ed Helms
is a former correspondent on
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
, a cast member of the NBC series
The Office
, and a costar of the hit film
The Hangover
. His upcoming projects include
The Goods
and an as-yet-untitled comedy about Civil War reenactors.

Buck Henry
wrote the screenplays for
The Graduate, Catch-22, The Owl and the Pussycat
, and
To Die For
, among many others. He cocreated and wrote the TV series
Get Smart
, was a writer/performer on
The Steve Allen Show, That Was the Week That Was
, and
The New Show
, and hosted
Saturday Night Live
ten times.

Mindy Kaling
is a writer, actor, and producer for NBC’s
The Office
. She cowrote and costarred in the hit off-Broadway play
Matt & Ben
. She played an object of unwanted affection in both
The 40-Year-Old Virgin
and
Curb Your Enthusiasm
.

Thomas Lennon
has starred in
Reno 911!, Viva Variety
, and
The State
, among other TV shows and films. He also works as a screenwriter.

Al Madrigal
is an extremely funny and underappreciated comedian, actor, writer, and father who resides in Los Angeles in a small home that has lost nearly all of its equity. He can be found performing stand-up comedy tirelessly at low-budget comedy clubs all over the country.

Aasif Mandvi
is a correspondent for
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
. He also wrote and starred in the Obie-winning one-man show
Sakina’s Restaurant
. He’s appeared in many films, TV shows, and stage plays. If you are interested in knowing more about Aasif Mandvi, please go to
Google.com
and type his name.

Marc Maron
is a stand-up comic, author, actor, radio personality, and Jew. His book,
The Jerusalem Syndrome: My Life as a Reluctant Messiah
, is out of print and overpriced by vendors who think it might have some collector’s value.

Adam McKay
is a director and writer of movies including
Anchorman
and
Talladega Nights
, and also cofounded the website Funny or Die. He was head writer of
Saturday Night Live
in the late ’90s and a cofounder of the Upright Citizens Brigade.

Eugene Mirman
’s first book,
The Will to Whatevs
, is available now from HarperCollins. Eugene can be seen on HBO’s
Flight of the Conchords
and on the new Adult Swim series
Delocated
. He tours regularly and released a new comedy album on Sub Pop in 2009. He has four hundred children and lives in outer space.

Morgan Murphy
is a stand-up comedian and writer. She has been on TV and in a movie. On three occasions, she has jogged.

Bob Odenkirk
seems capable of anything he sets his mind to, except for summing himself up in thirty words or less.

John Oliver
is currently a writer and correspondent for
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
. He is also a fully qualified subject of the queen. He lives in New York City.

Patton Oswalt
is a writer/actor/comedian/producer/asthmatic who lives in Burbank, California.