You're Gone (Finding Solid Ground) (20 page)

It was going to be a good day. Or so Charleigh hoped it would be. She held Jamie’s pillow tightly against her chest, rolling over in bed to look out the windows at the bright sun shining in through the curtains. So far, so good. No early morning nausea, maybe it was all a dream after all.

And maybe… maybe
this
was the dream.

The covers were tangled and twisted, kicked to the end of the bed. Not a single thread touched Charleigh’s body. Amos and Corey were sleeping there on top of the heap of sheet and comforter, and she had to lift her feet up to keep from kicking one or both of them square in the head. Then again, because they slept like a couple of logs, neither dog probably would have felt it anyway.

The soft whisper of the cool air coming through the vent overhead was the only sound in the whole house. It was a good sound, peaceful.

Keeping her eyes closed, Charleigh reveled in the warm, golden rays of the sun that played on her face. Her body slowly began to unfurl and relax in the calm, still she held onto that pillow. There would be no getting it away from her.

The combined scents of Jamie’s aftershave and sweat kept him alive. It made him real; not just some imagined thing. A fantasy that Charleigh had invented for herself after separating from Gavin. The shirts and jeans and suits hanging in the closet, the jacket draped over the back on the chair that set in the far corner of the room. They could all have been a part of that delusion. She could have put them there all so easily herself, but the smell of a man in her bed meant that Jamie had very much existed.

It also meant that the love Charleigh had felt for him was real, too. It was true and powerful, and it had sent a lovely warmth coursing through her veins with every touch.

Remembering the effect Jamie had had on her body, Charleigh smiled.

“I always loved to see you smile. The way your face lit up. My heart always skipped a beat.”

That familiar voice made Charleigh’s own heart do a bit of a cartwheel in her chest. Not trying to seem too eager, she slowly opened her eyes to find the love of her life standing only a few feet away in front of the French doors that led out onto the balcony.

Oh gosh.
Sitting up in bed, Charleigh gave him a slow, complete once-over.

Oh, he was a sight for sore eyes. Dressed in a pair of jeans and a green long-sleeved shirt with a white undershirt, Jamie looked just like he had the last time Charleigh had seen him. She could make out the contour of his physique underneath. He was wearing the Wolverine boots he’d gotten to work around the ranch.

She looked back up at his face. Those strong, sharp features. His dark brown, almost black, hair was gelled and styled in that slightly messy way Charleigh thought was so sexy. His eyes and the way the intense brown color could turn her heart to goop with just a single glance. That slow, lazy smile.

She could even smell the fresh, clean scent of his cologne.

“Are you really here?” Tears glistened in Charleigh’s eyes as she stared at him.

He came over to wipe them away. “Not in the flesh, Char. This is a dream.”

“I was afraid…” Her voice was quivering. It was difficult for her to speak.
Oh, I was afraid of that.

With a sigh, Charleigh reached up to touch the hand on her cheek. She couldn’t help noticing how light and soft it was— like a whisper against her own skin— compared to how she
remembered it to be. Strong.

“There’s no reason for you to be afraid of me. I —”

““I’m not. Oh, Jamie, no. I’m not afraid of
you
. Never,” Charleigh told him, shaking her head.  “I just miss you
so
much.”

“I understand.” The look she saw in his eyes was a wounded one. He was obviously pained by the grief and misery she was feeling because of his death. “I want you to know that if I’d known, if I’d had a choice, I would never have gotten on that plane. It was hard enough for me to have to be apart from you for just a few days. Forever would have been completely out of the question.”

Slowly, Charleigh pulled her hand away from Jamie’s. She looked down at it, palm up, and saw that the area where Jamie’s hand had been was now slightly reddened. It felt prickly, almost like when your hand or foot falls asleep. “It’s not fair. It’s not fair that I had to lose you, too,” Charleigh cried.

“Hey, hey, don’t cry, please.” Jamie pushed a loose coil behind her ear. He slipped the palm of his free hand around to the back of Charleigh’s neck and pulled her close, until her head was resting on his shoulder.

It was strange. Charleigh could see him. She could smell him. She could touch him. Jamie was there with her, but he wasn’t in a way. If she hadn’t known better, she would have said he was real. Her head rested against his shoulder, after all.

It wasn’t the same, though. Charleigh remembered how Jamie’s hands used to get clammy. They used to be warm, but now… Now his touch was likened more to a chilly vapor skimming across her skin.

“I can’t… help it. I can’t,” Charleigh said, not able to choke back the sobs. “I can’t help it, not knowing if you’re in peace, Jamie.”

“I’m alright.”

“But how can I be certain?” She looked back up into his face.

“Because…” was the only thing he said, reaching over to touch her hand.

A light appeared from within Jamie’s chest— his heart. It wasn’t a bright, blinding one but more of a radiance. And it slowly spread through him until his entire body was glowing, illuminating the muscles, bones and tendons underneath the clothing. 

Charleigh couldn’t believe what she was seeing. At first, it startled her as she looked over Jamie’s body from head to toe. It was such an awe, amazing sight. She looked down at the hand placed over her own. The skin gave off a golden sheen.

“You’re… uh, a… ah…” She couldn’t finish the sentence because her heart had risen up into her throat.

“Yeah,” Jamie answered with a nod. “It’s so much better than anything you could ever imagine. But knowing that you’re in so much pain, knowing that you’re so conflicted…”

“I’m scared. I don’t know if I can go on living without you in my life. Without you by my side, I don’t even want to try.”

“I didn’t leave you, Charleigh. There’s still a part of me that will always live on. It lives inside of you, in your heart. It’ll live in our children.” Jamie wiped a tear away from Charleigh’s cheek.

Although it had quickly appeared, the light took its time as it slowly began to fade.

“How am I supposed to do it on my own?” She begged. “I can’t raise a child on my own.”

“You’re going to be okay. Please, believe me when I tell you this. Have faith, Charleigh. You made me believe, even when I said that I didn’t, and that’s how I got to where I am.” Jamie cupped her face in his hands. He pressed his lips to Charleigh’s temple— sending a shiver through her body— before pulling back slightly to look her in the eyes. “We’ll be together again when the time is right, but you have to keep on living for those tiny lives. Okay?”

Her eyes were trained on the hand she still held in her own. It was perfect, unscratched. With those sparse little, dark hairs on Jamie’s knuckles. She’d grown up believing that Heaven took away all your pain and sorrow, all of the sickness that a person might have been plagued with during their lives on earth. It made you perfect, like you were meant to be.

It made her wonder…

“Yeah, I… I…” Charleigh wiped a hand across her forehead, drawing in a calm, deep breath. It escaped more jaggedly, though. “Just tell me, Jamie, you didn’t… feel any pain? I mean, you didn’t suffer much, did you?”

He gave her an unsure expression. Maybe he thought Charleigh couldn’t handle the truth.
Maybe
she couldn’t, but to soothe her mind, it was something that she needed to know.

“For my piece of mind, Jamie,
please
?” She begged.

“I can’t remember the actual event, Charleigh. That much is foggy,” he told her with a sigh. “One minute I was sitting in a conference room, tapping a pencil on the table. I was bored out of my mind, except for thinking about getting back to you. The next, I saw a light up ahead, and I felt myself being drawn toward it. But it was a peaceful feeling.”

“Promise?”

“I do.” Jamie nodded.

Charleigh knew in a deep breath. She felt calm. A gentle peace settled in her heart because she knew for sure that Jamie was telling her the truth. “I wish this wasn’t a dream, Jamie. You have no idea how I wish it wasn’t.”

He looked at her with empathy. “I know all too well, babe. You have to believe me.”

“I do,” she promised. “Can you stay with me, for just a little while? Can you just hold me?”

Jamie contemplated the idea. After a short moment he nodded. “I can stay until you wake up.”

Charleigh looked up at him bizarrely as they scooted back on the bed. Jamie laid back on the pillows first, and she laid down in his arms. The contact of Charleigh’s skin against Jamie’s created that cool, prickly sensation as before. It wasn’t a pain. It wasn’t uncomfortable, just different.

His fingers ran though her hair, causing the same commotion.

“This is a dream, remember,” he whispered against her ear.

She closed her eyes to soak up every second that they had left together. Charleigh wanted to hold onto him for as long as she could. And when he was gone for good, she wanted to remember it.

Placing her hand over Jamie’s chest, Charleigh was surprised to find a warm, pulsing energy was there among the cold. It was comforting. Slow and rhythmic, it was almost like a heartbeat. With every thump, a haze settled over her. It grew, at the same time separating her from Jamie. The tingles where her body touched Jamie were beginning to dwindle.

She cou
ld feel something pulling her farther and farther away from him. She tried to hold on just a little bit long. The harder Charleigh struggled, the greater the distance between them. No amount of fighting could stop it.

“I love you, Charleigh,” Jamie said. His voice was a whisper, fading. “Just remember that
you’re going to be fine. I’ll be with you in your heart all along the way.”

             
Her eyes began to twitch. The feeling of cool air from the vent overhead wafted on Charleigh’s face. Soft fur grazed her foot at the end of the bed. Something was slowly crawling toward her, and she realized that it was no longer a dream as she rolled over.

Opening her eyes, Charleigh saw that Amos was watching her. She put a hand on the dog’s head, scratching behind his ears. Propping herself up on an elbow, she looked down at the small Golden Retriever that was watching her just as vigilantly.

“‘Morning, boys,” she said as Amos reached a paw out for her to shake. With a smile, Charleigh obliged before reaching out for Corey. Grabbing one of his front legs, she dragged the growing puppy toward her until he was sitting in her lap.

She thought back on the dream, holding the puppy close against her chest. Corey had been Jamie’s dog. He’d picked him out. He had loved him. He had treated Corey well, more like a child.
Child.
Baby
.

Was it crazy of her to hope that the dream hadn’t been a figment of her imagination? That her brain hadn’t just been working overtime because she was so distressed? Could it be possible that seeing Jamie was more of a
vision
than a dream?

Charleigh so wanted to believe that it was the truth.

Amos jumped off the bed and headed for the door. Corey wriggled free from Charleigh and followed in hot pursuit. Laying back down she could hear the two dogs galumphing down the stairs.

Staring up at the ceiling, she felt a nauseous burn rising in
her belly, and it slowly crept upward. Charleigh closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths, hoping it would subside. When that didn’t work, she quickly threw her legs over the edge and fled to the bathroom.

             
Here we go again.

Charleigh woke to the sound of a driving rain pounding on the roof outside. Even with the loud thunderclaps, it was a comforting sound. The kind that makes you want to pull the covers up higher and go back to sleep until the sunlight peeks through the clouds and comes pouring into your bedroom windows. It conjured memories of a similar day when Jamie and her did just that, though, sleeping wasn’t
exactly
what they had done.

Without opening her eyes, she savored the bittersweet.

The alarm clock went off at seven. Charleigh reluctantly opened her eyes to the ascending sound and stared at the big red numbers. Unmoving, she watched as the time switched from 7:00 to 7:01. From 7:01 to 7:02, all the way to 7:15. She ignored the sound until the buzzer stopped on its own.

Stretching her arms high overhead, Charleigh shuffled into the bathroom. She turned the hot water on full blast in the shower before going over to take her toothbrush from the flowery cup next to the green one by the sink. Charleigh drew in a deep breath as she squeezed toothpaste out of the tube, because she knew what lately came along with the normally menial, everyday task of brushing her teeth.
Blaaah!

She went over and sat down on the closed toilet seat lid. Staring down at her toes, Charleigh noticed that she
really
needed to clip her toenails. But lately, she didn’t have the energy to do much of anything. That was going to have to change, she knew. It was just so hard to imagine her life without Jamie in it. Charleigh didn’t want to, because then she would start to cry. The last thing she wanted was for someone to notice her red, puffy eyes, and take pity on her.

The warm steam rolled from the shower. Not giving herself enough time for a self-pity-party, Charleigh disrobed and got inside. With her head tilted back and her eyes closed, Charleigh stood under the spray, bringing her hands up to the water and then to her face. She turned around, letting the water cascaded down over her shoulders and back, washing the soapy suds away.

In the soothing heat, with shampoo foam forming a beehive of her hair, Charleigh let her mind wander onto that one subject that she wouldn’t broach with anyone. Today was the day. It was do or die. Charleigh knew what people would say when they found out about the pregnancy and what she was going to do about it. Some might call her a slut. Others would say that she was reckless to get into the situation in the first place, and what she was doing was wrong.
It was a sin!
Blah, blah, blah!
There would even be a few who would shout joyously from the rooftops, Charleigh reckoned. It would definitely be the talk of the town.

The truth, cut and dry, was that she didn’t care. About much of anything anymore. It was her life. It was her decision. If she decided to screw it up, that was her right. Charleigh wasn’t going to let anyone— and she did mean
anyone—
press their opinions on her.

  
She
was going to have to deal with the consequences of the choices she had made in the past, and the ones she was sure to make in the future. Nobody else would be to blame. After all, she was only human.

The vision of Jamie— that was what Charleigh chose to call it— hadn’t made any difference in the matter.  The more Charleigh thought about it the more she realized that this choice was the best one for her. She’d just have to deal with any psychological effects when and if they came in to play.

She was going to keep her baby. Ever since her appointment with Doctor Emerson, Charleigh had started to think long and hard about how she was feeling. Lost. Filled with despair. Lonely. She was literally scared to death by the aspect of raising a child on her own. Changing her mind about the abortion had nothing to do with the void left behind by Jamie’s death. It was the complete opposite, actually, because nothing could replace the pieces missing from her heart.

Opening the frosted-glass shower door, Charleigh reached out for a towel that was hanging on a nearby hook. She brought it up to her face, wiping away the water droplets, before wrapping the soft terry cloth around her body and a second one around her head.

              Stepping onto the cool tiles of the floor, she looked toward the open doorway that separated the bathroom from the bedroom. Like a couple of kids, Corey and Amos sat there shamefaced, with little doggy I-didn’t-do-it smiles, that they’d been caught roughhousing. Shaking her head, she started to laugh.

With an afterthought, Charleigh realized the sound came from her own body. She ran a hand across her lips, as if to wipe it away.

Applying body lotion, her hands ran over the flat plane of her belly. Soon it would be a bump, gradually growing large. She knew she was pregnant, but the idea that that meant a tiny life was inside there still was unbelievable.

This baby would never take the place of his or her father, but maybe it would be a living reminder for everybody who had loved him. The love that Jamie had felt for her, and Charleigh for him, had produced this little life. A blessing. It was a part of her, and a part of Jamie. How could she have ever thought bringing that to light was wrong?

Her eyes welled with tears at the mere thought of his name. She pushed them away and went to get dressed.

She missed Jamie so much that her chest ached with longing every time she thought of him. His face would appear in the front of her mind. His deep voice was still so vivid that goose bumps crept onto her skin. In the middle of every lonely night, Charleigh still reached out for Jamie’s warm body, only to be met by cold loneliness.

Barely a month since his death, his body still hadn’t been found. There had been no funeral. There was no stone etched with Jamie’s name. If Charleigh hadn’t known any better, she’d have thought he’d run off with some blonde bombshell to live on the sandy beaches of Jamaica. She’d like to think that scenario would be better to stomach. At least she would know that he was still alive.

She smeared on some lip gloss.

“Okay,” Charleigh said, with a nod, to the woman in the mirror. She put a hand on her stomach. “This is the first day of the rest of our lives, baby.”

***

“So, this is what you want?” Doctor Emerson asked as they sat in his office. He looked across his desk at Charleigh, where she sat stiff-as-a-board straight. She looked sad and tired, but at least she looked better than she had when she came in for her appointment the week before.

Charleigh nodded. “It is.”

“Well, I have to say that I’m relieved. Some women see abortion as a quick and easy solution, and they never look back. Others are guilt-ridden even before the procedure. Knowing you as long as I have, Charleigh, you’re the latter.”

She nodded again, solemnly. “Yeah. I’m just… it’s still not easy to think about raising a child on my own.”

“Yeah… about that,” the doc began.

“There’s nothing wrong with the pregnancy, is there?” His tone scared Charleigh.

“I don’t mean to frighten you, but I think it’s better for you to find out yourself.” He stood up. “Give me a minute to I get Exam Room C prepped for you.”

When she was ready, Charleigh opened the office door. She held on tightly to the strap of her bag as she stepped out into the hall. She bit her lip, looking down both ends with that first step. Luckily, the small examination room was straight in front of her, a few small steps across.

“Come on in,” Doctor Emerson told her, with a slight smile.

“What’s wrong, Doc? Be straight up with me, please?” Charleigh’s shoulders were drooped as she sat down on the table. If the baby was going to have some kind of birth defect, maybe she was making the wrong choice to go through with the pregnancy. The last thing she wanted was for a child to be only a shell because she was too cowardly and selfish to have an abortion. But wasn’t that what she was going to do only a week ago?

“I’ll let you see— or hear— for yourself. Lean back and lift up your shirt.”

Nervously, Charleigh did as
she was told. Doctor Emerson squeezed some warm, clear gel onto her belly and held a small device with a long, curly cord that was connected to a monitor. It looked just like a speaker. At first, all Charleigh could hear was silence, with the occasional static. Then…

“Is that my baby’s heartbeat?” Charleigh felt her throat tighten, looking up at the doctor.

He nodded. “Uh-huh. Listen closer. What do you hear?”

There were two heartbeats. Both were beating strongly. It could only be hers and the baby’s. Charleigh still didn’t understand what Doctor Emerson wanted her to hear.

“I’m not sure I understand…”

“
Twins run in your family, don’t they?” The doctor pulled the monitor away from Charleigh’s stomach. He took a few tissues from a box and held them out so she could wipe the gel away.

“
My Aunt Denise has Kyle and Connor, but that’s it.”

“
And on Jamie’s side? Missus Matthews and her sister are twins?”

“
Yes, but…” She didn’t know where this was going. Was everything okay or not?

“
Last week, after your appointment, I looked back at the family history in your mother’s file when she was pregnant with you to be certain. Has anyone mentioned to you that she was a twin?”

Charleigh shook her head.
“My mother was an only child.”

“
That’s because the other twin was stilborn. When your mother was born, she had a sister. From what I remember Amanda telling me, the umbilical cord was wrapped around the baby’s neck.”

“
Oh, so—” The thought gave her the shivers. “Why are you telling me this?”

“
Because you’re pregnant with twins, Charleigh. I found two fetuses in one amniotic sac in the sonogram I did on your last visit. Mononamnotic twins are very rare. There are more risks for babies like yours, who share one amniotic sac, as opposed to twins who are diamniotic, which means they occupy their own separate sacs. Your babies are what we call ‘Momo’ twins, not only because they spare the same sac, but they also share a placenta. That’s what we call Monochorionic.”

“
Twins?” Those danged tears crept up on her again. “One sac means that the babies are… identical?”

“
Correct,” Doctor Emerson replied with a nod.

Charleigh couldn
’t get her mind around the idea. “But everything’s okay? They’re healthy?”

“
I’ve been an obstetrician going on… Well, a really long time, and I can safely say that all three of you are in perfect health.  We’ll keep an extra careful eye on you, just to make sure that you have a healthy, full-term pregnancy.”

“
Thank you, Doc. Really.”

***

After having her prescription for prenatal vitamins filled at the pharmacy on the first floor of the medical complex, Charleigh headed out to the ranch to give Madie and Lenore the news. The smell of freshly baked apple pie was a pleasant greeting as she stepped through the front door without knocking. The sugary-sweetness of the apples and the spicyness of the cinnamon made her stomach rumble with hunger.

“
Hi,” she said, coming into the kitchen.

Madie was leaned over the island with the morning edition of the local paper. Lenore was taking more pies out of the oven. Both of the women stopped to look at Charleigh. Neither of them spoke a word, though, as they waited fearfully for the shoes to drop.

Charleigh came over and stood on the opposte side of the counter from Madie. She sat a small, white bag in the space between them. “So, I made up my mind. And I went to the doctor today, and it’s all done with.”

The two old ladies exchanged glances. They were clearly, unmistakably filled with disappointment, but they remained silent.

Rocking back on her heels, Charleigh stuck her hands in her back pockets. She eyed the bag, hoping one of them would get curious and ask her what was in it. When neither did, she sighed.

“You don’t want to know what’s in the bag?” She asked, hopeful one of them would catch on. “Not even you, Lenore? I guess I—”

Madie stopped her. “I respect that it was your decision not to have my grandson’s baby, Charleigh. None of this has been an easy time on any of us, especially on you. Still, I’m sorry if I don’t agree with the way you went about ending the pregnancy, but like I said, it was your decision.”

“Well, like you said, it was
my
decision,” Charleigh agreed with a shrug. “I came to the conclusion that my future would be irreversibly changed if I went through with the pregnancy, and tainted if I didn’t. Everything about my future depends on what’s in this little bag. Which one of you would like to take the first peek?” She waited for the first taker. Both women seemed more bewildered than curious. “Okay, then. I’ll do it myself.”

Charleigh took the bag and removed its contents, crumpling it and tossing it into the trashcan. She sat the tall, white bottle on the countertop. Madie stared down at it. Lenore did the same, moving closer to the other two women in the room.

It was like she was captivated. Lenore was mesmerized and frightened all at the same time by what she saw, and yet she couldn’t look away. Wide-eyed, she came to stand beside her sister. Neither one of them touched it, like they were Superman and the bottle was Kryptonite.