You're Gone (Finding Solid Ground) (27 page)

“I saw Jamie,” she went ahead and blurted.

“When?” The lines in Austin’s forehead furrowed slightly deeper as he listened.

“A little while ago. In the corral.” Charleigh let out a heavy sigh and shook her head. “I know he wasn’t
really
there. Please, don’t look at me like that, Aussie.”

“Like what?” He asked and put a comforting arm around her, drawing the young woman closer to him in a friendly embrace.
“I told you that I wouldn’t think you’re crazy, and I don’t. You know Jamie wasn’t really here, and that’s what makes the difference.”

The funny thing was that Charleigh really believed him. It settled that nagging worry in her mind. The one that kept saying she was slowly losing all her marbles, one by one. The dreams
, seeing either Jamie or her dad every single night while she slept, were just about enough to drive her bananas. Because Charleigh knew that was the only way she’d ever be able to see them, talk to them, touch them.

“You’re still grieving, Char. Give yourself time. It’s only been two and a half months,” Austin spoke softly in her ear.

Two and a half months? Was that all? To Charleigh, it felt like ages since the last time that she saw Jamie. Kissed his lips just before he said good-bye.

“I miss him,” she whispered, closing her eyes in hopes of stopping the tears from falling.

Austin squeezed Charleigh’s arm when he felt her body begin to shudder. He tried his best to comfort her. Being a male, it was impossible for him to know exactly how to do that without having the situation backfire.

Even though he’d lost his oldest brother and nephew that same day, Austin knew it wasn’t the same as Charleigh losing a lover and the father of her unborn children. So, he could only try to understand. Until the time came when Austin completely comprehended, he would do what came most natural to him, and make the conversation lighter.

“I know you do, and that’s the reason why I don’t believe your hamster’s fallen off his wheel,” he said, pulling on Charleigh’s earlobe, as he’d done when she was a little girl. “I think George has just taken a Twinkie break for now, and he’ll climb back on as soon as the sugar-high kicks in.”

“A Twinkie break, huh?” Charleigh asked after a moment.

Austin could tell by her tone that she was already feeling better. “Yeah, I’ve seen the inside of you cupboards, and all I have to say is, oh, my God! There’re like ten boxes of those things in there.”

That made Charleigh laugh. “You only saw what’s in the kitchen. I have three more boxes hidden upstairs in case I need a midnight snack.”

“Ha, no wonder you’ve blown up like a puffer fish. All those sweets.”

“Yeah, so they taste good,” Charleigh retorted. “And I haven’t gotten
that
big. I’ve only gained twelve pounds. Doctor Em says I’m doing fine.”

Off in the distance, Charleigh could hear someone calling her name. She sat up and looked back toward her house. Madie was coming toward the corral, waving a dish towel.

“Is everything okay, Mama?” Austin called. He stood up and dusted of his rear, then helped Charleigh to her feet.

“Round everybody up, son,” she called back. “Dinner is ready to be served.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Austin turned and called to everybody in the field. Slowly the kids made their way back toward the paddock.

“Oh, apple pie. Candied yams. Cornbread stuffing. Yum,” Charleigh said to Austin with a smile, as she pulled the gate open, and the first few horses were led in. Her daydreaming made him laugh.

Once everybody was inside, with faces and hands washed, they gathered together to say grace over their food. They lined up single-file to look over what the buffet had to offer. Among the chatter, Chris could be heard arguing with Caroline because he wanted chocolate pie instead turkey and dressing

With all of the best Thanksgiving delicacies piled high on a plate, Charleigh sat down at the kitchen table and looked around at all of the people. It was heart-warming to know they’d all come together to spend the day with her, Suddenly, she realized that Gavin was the only Matthews not there. Linda had brought Brea with her. Charleigh felt a funny pang of guilt, coming to the conclusion that she was the reason he wasn’t spending the holiday with his family.

Brenda Lee sang the last few words of ‘Rocking Around the Christmas Tree’ before the CD player changed the song to the hippo song, as Charleigh lovingly called it.

She stood with a steaming mug of hot chocolate next to the window in Madie’s dining room. A light layer of snow had already covered the ground, and more was falling in. Out in the distance, Cordell was coming out of the barn with Apollo saddled up for a ride. She thought about waving but was too far away for the man to see her.

The sweet smell of cookies permeated the air. Behind her, kids from the Sunday school classes were hard at work. This time, their project was to paint their Christmas wish on a four by four inch square ceramic tile, instead of making almost completely inedible cookies like every other year before. It was Charleigh’s idea to do so, and it was turning out to be a humongous hit. Their wishes could be for absolutely anything. A puppy. A baby brother or sister. A computer or CD player.

Of course, when it was all over, everybody would get a bag with cookies to take home with them, so that the delicious morsels could either be eaten or left out for jolly ole Saint Nick on Christmas Eve.

“What are you thinking about?” Caroline asked, coming up to stand next to her niece.

“Hmm…” Charleigh turned to her aunt; a dreamy smile on her face. “I was thinking about the last time it snowed.”

Taking a sip of her now lukewarm cocoa, Charleigh looked over the rim of the mug and wriggled her eyebrows.

“As I remember it, you almost got yourself killed the last time it snowed, missy.”

“Yeah, but what a night,” she replied, watching as a little boy named Freddy covered his hand in green paint. His tongue stuck out one side of his little mouth.
A man on a mission.

Charleigh stepped over to see if he needed any help. “Need a little assistance?”

The little boy nodded his head, but he stayed focused on the project at hand. There was an empty seat on the other side of him, and Charleigh came around to sit down.

Once Freddy had enough of the paint on his little hand, fingers spread wide, Charleigh took the tile in one hand and pressed it to his palm. Taking his wrist gently in her other hand, she kept the pattern secure while helping him to flip the ceramic square over onto the table. Charleigh pressed down slightly against each one of Freddy’s fingers to make sure enough of the paint had transferred over.

Finally, she brought his hand straight up to reveal a perfect masterpiece.

             
“Wow, Charleigh!” Freddy exclaimed at last, with a slight lisp, sounding as if he had called her Chaw-wee. “Thank you!”

“Aw, you’re welcome, pal,” she replied, standing up. Charleigh didn’t mind a bit that he flung his arms around her middle, smearing green paint all over a brand new shirt.

As Freddy continued to hold onto her, something inside Charleigh’s belly moved for the first time. It happened so suddenly, hardly noticeable to anyone beside the woman herself, unless she was being held as closely as she was by the little boy. It startled both of them, making Freddy jerk back. Bewildered, he stared up at her.

Oh, my goodness!
The only thing Charleigh could do was laugh at herself, once she came to the realization of what had just happened. She had just felt her babies move for the very first time.

“Oh, don’t be scared. It was just the babies moving inside my tummy.” Another jolt.
Oh, they moved again.

“Oh, okay,” Freddy said after a moment. He looked up at her, quizzically. “Charleigh, where do babies come from?”

Aw. Jeez!
That was a question better left for his own mommy and daddy to answer, and she told him so. She was not going to explain the birds and the bees to anybody’s little boy, unless he happened to be her own, when the time was right.
Say, when he turns one-hundred years old.

“Why don’t we go get you cleaned up, and you can ask your daddy that when he comes to pick you up,” Charleigh told Freddy, ushering him toward the hall bathroom, and shot her aunt a crazy smile.

Caroline had been standing at the window and witnessed the entire thing from the moment Charleigh sat down next to the little boy. She saw the look on her niece’s face transform from confusion to amazement when she felt her babies move for the first time. She knew Charleigh was completely in love with those tiny lives.

***

Later, as Charleigh sat in the floor of her bedroom, wrapping presents in brightly colored paper, she felt another nudge. A smile immediately spread across her lips. She had no idea it would feel like that. To finally
feel
like she was pregnant. Even though her waist had expanded, it still hadn’t felt completely real until that moment. The moment when her little ones moved for the very first time. It was completely surreal.

Oh, you are real, aren’t you?
Charleigh chuckled, putting a hand to her baby-bump where she’d felt the movement.

It was so different from before. More than just like butterflies. More than
a simple feeling of nervousness. It was a sign of actual life living inside her body.

With the very last gift finished, Charleigh stood up and arched her aching back. She took the box over and piled it on top of the others.

Across the room, the numbers 11:30 were lit up bright-red on the alarm clock that set on her nightstand. Next to it, there was a picture of Jamie.

Charleigh went over and picked it up before settling back on the edge of the bed. She ran a fingertip along the outline of his face.

“They moved,” she whispered, knowing that he couldn’t really hear her. It didn’t make a bit of difference. “It was an amazing feeling. I can’t believe it.”

A tear slid down Charleigh’s cheek. It was a
happy tear. But only at first.

“They moved, and you’re not here to feel it,” she cried to the man in the photograph.

Stepping up to the door, Charleigh brought up her hand to knock. But second-guessing herself, she stopped just short of touching the heavy wood. Inside, the sounds of cheerful holiday merriment could be heard, and yet Charleigh couldn’t bring herself to knock on Madie’s front door and become a part of it.

She took a deep breath. One, two, three more. She counted to ten. Still, she didn’t move.

All day long, Charleigh had been having flashbacks of Christmas last year
— as she sat curled up on her Granddad’s couch watching Christmas movies like
Miracle on 34
th
Street
with her cousins, or at the table eating dinner— when she’d spent the entire day with Jamie. She remembered sitting on the couch with his head in her lap as he slept through the first part of
Lonesome Dove
. Running her fingers through Jamie’s thick, head full of dark-brown hair.

By the time she had pulled into Madie’s driveway and shut off the engine, Charleigh was in quite a funk, missing Jamie something awful, and she just wasn’t sure that she wanted to be around anymore people.

Still, going against her instinct to turn around and get back in her car, she finally made the move necessary to let the Matthews family know of her presence on the front porch and knocked a few times. How long she’d been standing there, trying to make up her feeble mind, Charleigh didn’t know for sure.

“Hi,” Will greeted Charleigh with a smile when he opened the door for her. “Come in. Get on in here out of that cold. We’ve been waiting for you.”

“For me? Why?” she asked, stepping into the warmth.

Will helped Charleigh out of her coat and hung it up on a peg in the foyer. “Yeah, the kids are about to go crazy. Mama wouldn’t let them open presents until you got here.” He turned to her and smiled before leading the way into the living room where the entire Matthews family was gathered.

Madie was sitting in her chair next to the hearth, with Brea perched on one knee eating a cookie, as she laughed with her sister and daughter.
Such a cute little girl
, Charleigh thought as she stopped just inside the room. The baby was dressed in a burgundy velveteen dress. Her hair was a mess of strawberry-blonde curls. A ribbon tied the little girl’s bangs back, making her look like Pebbles Flintstone.

Some of the younger kids were gathered around the coffee table playing a board game. Audrey, the youngest grandchild, was seated next to the Christmas tree, dreamily staring down at a brightly colored package in her lap.

Silently, Charleigh watched everything that was going on around her. She was still standing in the doorway when Madie noticed she had arrived. Carrying Brea, the old lady came over to her.

“Hi, sugar. Merry Christmas,” Madie said, kissing Charleigh’s cheek. The younger woman nodded and bit her bottom lip in nervousness as she continued to look around the room at all of the people she knew. Most of them she’d known all of her life, or all of theirs, which was more fitting in some instances.

“You didn’t have to wait on me to open presents,” Charleigh finally spoke. Her gaze was focused on Audrey. “Poor baby.”

“Sure we did. We had to make sure the whole family was here.” Madie shrugged. “Are you hungry?”

“Oh, no. I’m, uh…”

             
Why am I so nervous? I know these people. They’re like family. They
are
family!
No, that wasn’t right. Charleigh wasn’t nervous. She felt out of place. Awkward. Maybe it was just because she was tired.

Charleigh held out her hand, and Brea grabbed a hold of her two middle fingers and squealed with delight as she felt of the perfectly manicured French tips. She felt herself smile for the first time all day when the baby girl raised her face, and looked into her eyes.
They’re brown!

“Wow,” she heard herself whisper.

Madie knew exactly what the younger woman was talking about. “Isn’t it amazing? I haven’t seen a single Matthews female offspring with brown eyes since Martha, Paul’s aunt.”

Feeling like she was being watched, Charleigh finally came to the realization why she was having such a weird feeling.
Gavin
. She looked across the room and saw him sitting on the back of the couch. His dark eyes were trained intently on her. Maybe it was because she was holding hands with his infant daughter. Charleigh didn’t think so.

Audrey came over to stand in front of them. She tugged on her grandmother’s skirt.

“Is it time to open presents yet, Grammy?” The little girl asked pitifully.

“Yes, we can open presents now. William. Austin. Christopher. Can you start handing out the gifts?” Madie called out to her sons, putting Brea down.

That announcement brought about a cheerful call from all of the grandkids, and they started haphazardly throwing board game pieces into a box. She watched as Audrey took her niece by the hand and led her over to Gavin. Then, the old lady took Charleigh by the hand. “Why don’t you come over and sit in my chair?”

“I can sit on the couch, or in the floor with the kids. It’s not a big deal,” Charleigh protested but let Madie lead her towards the seat anyway.

The two women stepped gingerly around kids and over presents and other objects like they were making their way through an obstacle course. A few of them smiled and waved when they saw Charleigh pass by. Robert and Ben, who both winked and smiled at her, were sitting on the couch together. She only smiled rolled her eyes at the boys.

“Here, sit,” Madie told her when they reached their destination. Charleigh obeyed.

“Hello, Charleigh-dear,” Lenore said, holding out a hand to her. The younger woman took it and squeezed. “Hasn’t been an easy day, huh?”

Charleigh looked over at Lenore, then up at Linda and Madie. With sadness in her eyes, she only shook her head in response. She gave them a tight-lipped smile and then turned her gaze to the floor.

“Charleigh,” Austin spoke her name softly. Slowly, she raised her face and looked up at him. “This is from the boys and me.”

For a moment, what Austin said didn’t register in Charleigh’s mind. She just stared up at him blankly. Worried, he looked from his mother to his aunt, and then to Linda, his sister.

“Today’s not been the best of days,” Madie told her son, placing a hand on his shoulder.

Austin nodded. He placed the box on the floor at Charleigh’s feet, giving her a sympathetic smile, and went back to work handing out packages.

The men continued to hand packages out to the family members. The kids immediately tore into the packages as soon as they were laid in front of them. In silence, Charleigh watched what was going on around her. They placed several more, smaller, packages on top of the larger one.

Audrey opened one present to reveal one of the American Girls dolls. Charleigh felt herself smile as the little girl’s eyes lit up with excitement. Across the room, Will gave Lilly a beautiful gold locket. Feeling a tightness in her throat, Charleigh saw the affectionate way Lilly
looked up at her husband, with appreciation for the gift. Gavin helped Brea unwrap a plastic container of Lego’s.

“Charleigh, do you want some help opening your presents?” David asked. He was kneeled down in front of her, looking up into her face expectantly.

“I think that’d be a great idea,” she told him with a half-smile.

The little boy picked up the long, flat box wrapped in dark blue and gold paper on top of the pile and handed it to Charleigh. The tag showed that it was from Linda and her family, including Gavin. She ripped off the paper, and used the French tip of her index finger to break through the tape. Inside were several large receiving blankets in neutral colors, since Charleigh didn’t know yet whether the babies were boys or girls. The next present, which was from Will, Lilly, and their brood, held two multi-colored patch-work blankets, four packages of plain, white onesies, and two packages of infant socks. She also let David open a few of the boxes, which held more necessities for the babies.

“Christopher, will you go get the green and red package that’s laying on the bureau up in my bedroom?” Madie asked as she watched her grandson work together with the young woman who should have been her granddaughter-in-law.

A short time later, he returned with the present as asked and brought it over to his mother. It was a large, flat package, wrapped in paper with red and green parallel stripes. Madie thanked him and brought it over to where David and Charleigh were finishing up with the gifts.

“This one is for you, too, dear,” Madie spoke softly as she held the object out to Charleigh.

The young woman smiled and began to pull at a corner. When the first bit of paper was pulled away, Charleigh could see it was an oil painting with beautiful, vivid colors. As more paper was ripped away, it revealed more and more of the painting. When at last the painting was revealed as a whole, Charleigh felt tears rise up into her throat.

The painting was of Charleigh and Jamie on the day of their engagement party. She was sitting on the tree swing smiling, and Jamie was looking down adoringly at her. Madie had duplicated the picture she’d taken. Charleigh looked around at all of the people and noticed that they were all watching her.

With jerky movements, she stood up. “I need to get some air,” Charleigh said, in a raspy voice, and hurried from the room as quickly as she could make her over the boxes and paper in her way.

              Letting her head rest against the back of the wicker sofa in the gazebo, Charleigh stare up through the lattice roof at all of the twinkling stars in the night sky. She inhaled deeply several times and let her breath rise up above her in clouds of vapor every time she exhaled. Charleigh’s hands were nice and toasty inside the pockets of her coat, resting on top of her baby-bump.

As she sat there, all of the tension seemed to slip away with every breath. All day long, she’d been so upset about having to spend the day without Jamie, and seeing the oil painting of them together put the topping on the cake. She knew the old lady had meant only the best, but it was the straw that broke the Christmas camel’s back.

Closing her eyes, Charleigh let the cold envelope her body and let her mind wander, temporarily numbing the pang she felt inside.

The steps creaked, telling her that she was no longer alone. She opened her eyes and raised her head to find Gavin standing in the doorway. He was wearing a green down puffer jacket, and his hands were in its pockets.

“Are you okay?” Gavin asked from where he stood. Charleigh shot him her signature annoyed look. “Something tells me that you’ve been asked that question a time or two over the last few months.”

“Yeah, a few
hundred
times.” Charleigh sighed and sat up straight on the sofa. She looked at him for a long moment and then turned her face to look out at the dark pasture. Out in the distance, a pack of coyotes howled. A couple of cars zoomed by on the highway.

“Would you rather be alone? I know that painting Gram gave you was upsetting.”

“No matter where I go these days, I am never alone,” she replied, touching a hand to her belly as someone stirred inside. “I’m okay now. You can come sit down, if you want to.”

Scooting closer to one side of the wicker couch, Charleigh wrapped her arms tightly around her middle.

“Are you cold? I can turn on the fire pit.” She nodded, and Gavin moved forward to flip the switch of the gas fireplace. Then, he came to sit down in the wicker chair beside her.  

“I think I owe you a couple dozen apologies, Charleigh. I’ve acted like a huge
idiot toward you over the last year.” Ashamed, he couldn’t look at her.

True enough,
she thought and sighed.
At least you finally admit it.
Charleigh didn’t say anything at first. Just kept her eyes focused on the blue and orange flames of the fire pit. But the funny thing was, Charleigh didn’t think Gavin owed her any kind of apology. Long ago, she’d let go of all the contempt and angry feelings toward him.

“You don’t owe me anything, Gavin. I’ve been over it for a while now,” Charleigh told him. “But the one person who
does
deserve to hear you say that isn’t here.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Gavin sat back in the wicker chair and looked at her with a careful eye. “None of this has been easy on you. I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through everything on your own.”

“That’s life, I suppose,” She said with a clenched jaw, though, the action wasn’t directed towards the man sitting beside her. It was meant more for her concept of the subject. “Life just isn’t fair.  We just have to make the best with what we have.”

“There
you go. You just keep telling yourself that, Char,” Gavin told her, with a half-smirk. “Carpe Diem, baby girl. Go out there and grab that bull by the balls.”

Even though she was feeling pretty rotten, Charleigh had to laugh at his comments. That was so much like something Jamie would have told her. The two cousins had at least one thing in common, she had to admit.
They were both sarcastic, for sure.

“You’re so full of crap
,” She groaned, closing her eyes and shaking her head with amusement.