You're Gone (Finding Solid Ground) (37 page)

Sitting on the built-in seat of her shower, Charleigh leaned forward as far as she could manage and let the warm spray knead the top of her skull like a hundred tiny fingers massaging away the stress. She’d gone to see Doctor Emerson… and they’d set a date for the C-section. May fifth. Two and a half weeks earlier that her scheduled due date. Because of the Placenta Previa. Charleigh knew, if she went to her full forty weeks, she could potentially bleed to death if her cervix even slightly dilated. The possibility was frightening that she could die and leave her children orphaned. The twins were in just as much danger as their mother was. They could die, as well.

What if they weren’t completely developed by the time of the C-section? Doctor Emerson had explained that they would administer a dose of steroids once the babies were born, and it would cause their tiny lungs to mature. But what if it didn’t work?
Oh, God! What if they died anyway?

Stop it! You’ve got to stay positive.

In exactly three weeks, Charleigh would be meeting her baby boys. She sighed, leaning back against the shower wall and wiped water droplets away from her face.

Instead of focusing on what could go wrong, Charleigh knew that she needed to concentrate on the brighter side of things. It was just hard sometimes, when all you were able to do was sit in bed all day and stew. Any other time, she would be out working, too busy to let herself worry. Like when her Dad died, she’d held off the grief and loneliness by wrestling with pea-brained mammals and garden plants.

Then, after September
11
th
, Charleigh just slept all the time. As long as she was dreaming of Jamie then she hadn’t had to think about how he wasn’t really there anymore. About how she was truly alone in life.

But Charleigh hadn’t really been alone. Her family had been there for her the entire time. It was just in her heart that she had
been alone. And although, she didn’t know it at the time, Charleigh had her babies. Caleb and Jacob. They were created from the love she’d felt for Jamie. And more importantly, the love he had felt for her.

Turning off the faucet, Charleigh opened the frosted glass door and reached for her towel on the hook outside. She patted her face, neck, and shoulders dry before standing to towel off the rest of her body. Running the soft cotton material over her gigantic belly, Charleigh felt the babies shift one way and then back to the other. She was able to see the movement, as well, and chuckled.

Placing the palm of one hand against the rock-hard that could possibly be a butt or a head, she said, “Hey, boys, no fighting. Don’t make me send you to your rooms.”

“The phone began to ring just as Charleigh stepped out of the shower. Carrying the towel, she walked naked into the bedroom to see who it was. Taking the cordless from its cradle, Charleigh checked the Caller ID. Although she didn’t recognize the number, the area code was (903) an indication that it was coming northern Texas.

“Hello,” she answered, sitting down on the bed, still naked.

“Hi, Charleigh,” a man’s voice said from the other end. “It’s Kent.”

“Oh, hey.” Feeling weirdly self-conscious all of a sudden, Charleigh instantly started to wrap the towel around her misshapen body. “How are you?”

“Doing mighty fine,” Kent replied. Charleigh could hear a smile in his voice. “I’m back in Dallas for a concert at Billy Bob’s, and I was wondering if you and Jamie would like to come.”

“Um…” Charleigh said, biting her bottom lip.

How was she supposed to tell Kent of her current condition? And what about Jamie? Charleigh hadn’t seen or talked to Kent since the night of the Heritage Festival, so he obviously didn’t know about Jamie’s death.

“I would any other time, Bud, but… uh, I’m kinda confined to bed, right now. I’m pregnant, with twins.”

“Oh, wow!” Kent laughed. “Well, congratulations, Char. Jamie must be excited.”

Charleigh took a deep breath. “Jamie passed away about eight months ago, Kent. He was in one of the Trade Center Towers on September 11
th
.”

The phone went quiet. As Charleigh sat waiting for Kent to speak, she tried to relax away the huge lump from her chest. Even after all the months, it didn’t get any easier to say that Jamie was dead.

“Oh, God, Charleigh,” Kent finally said. She could hear the disbelief in his voice. “I am
so
sorry. Are you okay? I mean, how are you coping?”

“I’m taking it one day at a time,” she replied. “Some days are better than others.”

“Yeah,” he told her. His tone changed to hold a bit of understanding. “If you need anything, just let me know. I’m in the area for a bit of TLC over the next couple of weeks before we hit the road again.”

Well, actually. I could use some help getting everything situated. Like I said, I’m a bit bedridden at the moment.”

“Absolutely,” Kent agreed. “I can be up there just as soon as the show’s over tomorrow night. If you can manage till then.”

Charleigh laughed,
“And if I said no? What would you do?”

“I’d find the nearest helicopter and land on your front yard within the hour, girl.” Kent laughed as well, but she knew his words rang true. He was a good guy. No matter what Charleigh asked for, he would find a way to get it to her.

“It’s not quite that urgent, but I’m glad to know you’d jump if I asked you to.”

“You just tell me how high.”

              After Charleigh hung up with Kent, she went over to the dresser and took out one of Jamie’s white cotton undershirts and pulled it on over her head. No matter what, she’d never been able to get the smell of Jamie’s cologne out of the fabric. No matter how many times she washed them.  Soaked them in bleach or anything else.

Charleigh knew some of the more expensive colognes used the thiols from skunk spray to make the scent last longer on the body. She wondered if this one did, too.

Inhaling deeply, Charleigh climbed into bed and pulled the covers up around her body. She fell asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow. As always, her dreams were happy ones. They would always be happy because Jamie would always be there waiting for her in dreamland.

The sunset was so beautiful. Like nothing Charleigh had ever seen before as she walked through the waist-high weeds of the pasture. Smatterings of deep purple, burnt orange, and a rich carmine painted the sky. It was the kind of sunset that took your breath away.

The ringlets of Charleigh’s hair were tied back in a low ponytail on the back of her head, though, the breeze pulled several strands loose from the elastic band that secured it there, and cascaded down over one shoulder. She was wearing a pair of old, faded overalls. The legs were cut off just below her knees, and they looked like they’d been through the shredder. Her feet were bare, and Charleigh could feel the cool Earth between her toes as she walked.

The scent of Magnolia blossoms wafted through the air. Stopping for a moment, she leaned her head back, closing her eyes, and breathed deeply. She held her arms straight at her sides, and the grass tickled her fingertips.

Charleigh found Jamie sitting on the glider when she reached the house. He looked even better than she remembered. Wearing simple pair of blue jeans and a blue t-shirt he looked polished yet still slightly scruffy, with a five o’clock shadow of a beard, like a model from the Abercrombie catalog.

“I’m dreaming again,” Charleigh said, stepping up onto the front porch. She went over and sat down next to Jamie.

“How do you know?” he asked, holding a cup of steaming coffee out to her. Charleigh took it and drank. Dang, the coffee was good. Just the right blend chicory. And it was sweet, but not like from any kind of sugar or sweetener Charleigh had ever tasted. She took a second sip.

“How do you know?” Jamie asked again. He touched a hand to Charleigh’s leg.

She felt the pressure of his body against her own as they sat side by side. He felt real. The cup was warm in her hands. More than anything in the world, Charleigh wanted
to believe that Jamie was really there with her. She wanted the last seven months to have been the dream, though, Charleigh knew in her heart that it wasn't. Besides, Doctor Emerson had put her on bed rest, and she wouldn't have been able to walk across that pasture the way she just did without difficulty. It was a feat to make the short trip from the bed to the toilet these days. And anyway, Charleigh wouldn’t have risked her babies that way, and she said so.

“Good point.” Jamie nodded with a smile.

“So, what brings you to my neck of the woods?” Charleigh asked, leaning her head against the back of the swing.

“Nothing. Just thought I’d stop by to say hello,” Jamie replied, with a hint of playful sarcasm.

Yeah, right.
She raised her head up to look at him. There was always a reason when Jamie came to Charleigh in her dreams like this. Any other time, she was just reliving certain moments shared with Jamie. The first had been when she was still contemplating ending her pregnancy. Why had he come to her this time?

“Gavin still loves you.”

Oh, no!
Charleigh was afraid where this was headed. Gavin
said
that he still loved her. Whether he actually did love her or he just didn’t want her with anybody else, she just couldn‘t decide yet. But the feeling was not reciprocated, so it didn’t matter.

“He’s there and I’m not. Or Cordell. You have every reason in the world to marry one of them and give them his name. Caleb and Jacob are going to need a father.”

Charleigh pretended not to hear the first part. “Caleb and Jacob? Is that what I name them?”

“Yeah, I like the names. Cal and Jake. One will be more like you, and the other one like me. You‘re going to need someone to help corral them,” Jamie told her, reaching over to run his fingers through her hair.

“I’ll do just fine,” Charleigh declared. “Besides, they
have
a father.”

“Charleigh, it’s
…”

“I don’t want to hear this, Jamie,” Charleigh interrupted him, putting her hands over her ears as if she were a child. She couldn’t stand to hear him talk about her being with any other man but him.

Jamie pulled her hands away. “And I don’t want you to be alone for the rest of your life.”

“I won’t be alone. I’ll have our sons.” She sighed, turning her face away. Charleigh looked out toward the field just beyond her property, and on the other side of the highway.

“You need more than that. You can’t live off memories, Char”

“You’ve barely been gone seven months,” she said no louder than a whisper. Tears rimmed her bottom lids, threatening to fall. “I just can’t treat everything that we had like it was nothing and move on to someone new. Not Gavin. Not anyone else.”

“Well, it’s not going to happen tomorrow or even two years from now, but mark my words that it will happen.” Jamie put an arm around Charleigh and pulled her close against him. His body was firm and didn’t give. Unlike before, it was warm. “It’s inevitable. I’ve seen it. I can even tell you his name, if you’d like.”

“No,” Charleigh exclaimed, wiping moisture away from her cheeks. “I loved you. I still do, and nothing you say will change that.”

“I know that. But eventually that bed is going to feel awfully lonely. You’re going to need someone to keep you warm in the middle of the night. I just want you to know that it’s okay with me.”

“Okay,” Charleigh said, putting an end to the discussion.

The only thing that she wanted was for Jamie to hold her for the remainder of their time together. How she missed those strong arms holding her in the middle of the night. The scent of sweat and cologne after he’d just finished making love to her. His breath on the back of her neck. The way he used to murmur her name in his sleep.

As if Jamie had read her mind, he stood and helped Charleigh to her feet. He led her up to the bedroom that they used to share.

“I’ll stay until you wake up,” Jamie whispered in her ear as they laid together on the bed.

Charleigh only nodded. She closed her eyes and sighed with contentment. Jamie’s arms encircled Charleigh. His palms rested on her bulbous belly. Fingers spread widely apart.

He just chuckled softly in Charleigh’s ear. “I love you, but sometimes, you are so stubborn. Even in your dreams.”

“I love you, too,” Charleigh replied.
“And I’ll take that as a compliment. But don’t worry about us. When, or if, I ever decide to get married, it’s going to be for the right reasons, and not because our boys need a male role model in their lives.”

“Exactly.” It was all Jamie said, but Charleigh could hear a smile in his voice. He’d heard just what he had needed, she supposed. Which meant that she wouldn’t be marrying Gavin anything soon to remedy her loneliness. Or anyone else for that matter.

“And if I get cold, I’ll just cuddle up with an electric blanket.”

When Charleigh woke up the next morning, she found an indentation in the pillow on the side of the bed that Jamie used to sleep. At first, she dismissed it as though she’d rolled over there in the middle of the night. But logic got the better of her. Charleigh knew that she
never
tossed and turned in her sleep.

             
Propping herself up on an elbow, she pulled the pillow towards her face and sniffed. It was that familiar scent of sweat and cologne. Just like…
Jamie?
Charleigh sat up and looked around the room. There were dirty footprints on the area rug just inside the room.
Weird.