Z-Burbia 5: The Bleeding Heartland (12 page)

I start pointing at all the velour. All the goddamned velour.

“What the fuck? Reptile Jesus on velvet? Is that where you’re going with all this? Some cheesy, divine single wide? The trailer to Heaven? I mean, come on!” I look at Maury whose eyes are wide and not so pleased with me. “You actually listen to this yahoo? Why, dude? Look at him! He’s nothing! Just an actor in a play of his own making! If you ask me, you should bail on his ass. Or, better yet, kick him the fuck out and all just live free. Your compound looks secure enough, so why keep the freak around? You don’t need him, trust me. False messiahs of the reptile persuasion are bad news, brother. Bad, fucking news.”

I grab a cookie and jam it in my mouth, then lean back against the oh so soft velour, pretty fucking satisfied with my little rant. As rants go, it was a good one. Some nice points, well placed jokes, just the right smattering of offense, yet not so far that I got my head shot off with a shotgun before I could finish. Yes, it was a fine rant.

“Daddy, close your mouth,” Greta says, he face white with fear. “You’re spitting crumbs everywhere.”

“Have one also,” Kelvin says, offering the plate to Greta.

“Yeah, have one, G,” I spit, sending crumbs flying everywhere on purpose, coating half the velour within two feet of me. “They aren’t half bad. Plus, he’s probably going to kill us both, so why not enjoy a last cookie?”

“You are a bizarre man, Jace,” Kelvin sighs as he continues to hold out the plate of cookies to Greta.

“No, thank you,” Greta says. “I’m not hungry.”

“Are you sure?” Kelvin asks. “You may not get a chance to eat again for a while.”

Greta shakes her head.

“Fuck it, dude,” I say. “I’ll have hers.”

Kelvin nods and holds the plate closer to me. I snag two more cookies and jam those in my mouth.

“Fanks,” I say, barely able to speak around the globs of flour and sugar and chocolate chips. And something else.

With three cookies crammed in my mouth, I can distinctly taste something not so cookie like. I didn’t notice it before when I only had one cookie, but now with three? Yeah, these cookies are a little off.

Then it hits me. I’m a complete dumbass. A total moron. A fucktard of epic proportions.

I rake him over the coals and he just sits there and offers more cookies? He doesn’t tell Maury to give me a buckshot enema or toss me out into the freezing ass wind? Why?

Because the tea isn’t drugged, the cookies are.

Hunks and chunks of cookie fall to the floor as I lean over the arm of the couch and try to get every last crumb out of my stupid, out of control mouth.

“You aren’t a stupid man, Jace,” Kelvin says as he sets the plate down and leans back into his chaise lounge, a very smug and satisfied look on his face. “That will make things much easier. I have found over the years that the stupid ones are the hardest to interrogate. They get confused by the questions. They lose track of their thoughts. They tell lies and misinformation without even knowing it. The smart ones? You guys are easy as pie. All you smart ones are so used to hearing yourselves talk, and so used to correcting everyone over and over, that the truth just flows from between your lips like wine.”

“That’d be some gross wine,” I say as I stick my fingers down my throat. Maury is suddenly by my side and slaps my hand away from my face. “Ow.”

“I’m glad you spit out what you did,” Kelvin chuckles. “You would have been useless if you’d swallowed those three cookies. As it stands now, you should have ingested enough to be more than cooperative.”

“What about the girl?” Maury asks.

“Touch her, and I’ll rip your balls off and feed them to the first Z I see,” I growl. The grin on Maury’s face tells me I don’t sound as threatening as I’d like. It might be the bazillion giggles that are lining up in my throat. Uh-oh, Jacey is seriously stoned out of his gourd.

For the record, I’m Jacey. I don’t want any confusion there. We good?

“Yes, Jace, we are more than good,” Kelvin says. He looks past me to Maury. “Take the girl to the women’s quarters. Tell Jobeth to have Dr. Stenkler give her a full work up.”

Maury looks towards the other two guards, and points his shotgun at the door. “Out.”

He waits until they are gone. The mood in the trailer turns instantly and I see a change come over Reptile Jesus. He drops the “Jesus” act all the way, but holds onto the reptile portion of his personality with relish.

Mmmm, relish. I could totally go for a hot dog right now. Man, I miss hot dogs.

“Shut up,” Maury says, and thumps me on the back of the head with a finger. I roll my head on my neck and look up at him as he turns his attention to Greta. “If Stenkler gives her a clean bill, then what?”

I may be whacked out on goofballs, but I can hear the implication in his voice.

“I think that depends on our new friend here,” Kelvin says, reptile eyes back on me. “His behavior will determine the exact fate of his daughter. If he gives me the information I want, then she will be allowed to work in the Tomb along with the others. If he resists me, then I’ll send word to ready her for marriage. I can see quite a few of our more than able bodied followers lining up to get a chance to woo this one.”

“Don’t you fucking touch her!” I shout, and jump to my feet. My leg cries out in pain, but the goofballs are having a nice numbing effect, so I ignore the agony and reach for Maury.

He probably gets in at least three, maybe four, punches before I even realize I’m getting the shit kicked out of me. But to my credit, I stay standing.

No, wait, that’s not true. If I was standing then my face wouldn’t be buried in this cheap Berber carpet that feels like sandpaper. What the fuck is up with that? Berber? Everyone knows that if you decorate with velour you have shag carpeting. That’s just basic interior design, people.

“Damn, he never shuts up,” Maury says as he stands over me. I know he’s standing over me because I can see his boots about two inches from my face.

“I am hoping that is true,” Kelvin says. “Take the girl, and clear out my trailers. I’ll be in the center. Let everyone know I am in deep prayer with our new guest and could be absent all night long. I am not to be disturbed, Maury. We can’t afford another Deirdre issue. It took me two weeks to smooth that out with the followers.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you have all the time you need,” Maury says. “Come on.”

“No! You fucking let go of me!” Greta screams. “Daddy!”

“Daddy’s coming, sweetheart!” I shout into the carpet, unable to even pick my cheek up from the scratchy floor covering. “I’m so gonna fuck these bitches up! You hear that, bitches? Gonna fuck you up! Get ready for the fucking up of your lives!”

“Better you than me, Kelvin,” Maury says as he taps me in the temple with the toe of his boot. “I don’t think I could listen to this idiot all night.”

“We all have our roles, Maury,” Kelvin says. “Yours is the dutiful soldier while mine is the savior of the new world.”

“Yeah, we need to really talk about that dynamic at some point,” Maury laughs. “I think you’re getting the better deal.”

“Except for the celibacy thing,” Kelvin sighs. “How’d I rope myself into that one?”

“The messiah never took a wife, Kelvin,” Maury laughs again. “You chose the role, not me.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Kelvin replies. “Get the girl out of here and over to Stenkler. No hurry to get me the health report until the morning. I’ll be busy, and I’m sure she could use a good night’s rest. Just make sure Jobeth keeps her from wandering.”

“The holy restraints?” Maury asks.

“That should do it,” Kelvin replies.

“DADDY!” Greta screams, then her voice is muffled as either Maury stuffs a rag in her mouth, or covers it with his hand. I have no idea since I really can’t move. Seriously, I’m totally paralyzed.

I hear the trailer door open, and the cold wind smacks me in the face, then it’s gone. And so is my daughter.

“I am so going to fucking kill you,” I say.

Kelvin kneels down so I can see his face. The messiah act is completely gone now. All I see is the look of a determined man. And trained professional. I’ve been around enough sketchy military types to know that look. I am beginning to think he isn’t some actor from the local community college drama program. Oh, he’s an actor alright, but not the spotlight type.

I am so fucked.

“Not if you are cooperative. Which, considering your inability to filter your thoughts, is a very likely possibility,” Kelvin laughs as he reaches out and touches my nose. “Can you feel that?”

“Yeah,” I say.

He taps my shoulder, or I think he does. I can’t feel that.

“Good,” Kelvin says. “Miracle stuff, I have to say. I developed the formula during my time at a rendition facility in Germany. They have some amazing chemists in Germany, Jace. The government was more than willing to loan a couple to our country’s cause. It took about a year to get the paralytic to anesthetic ratio right so subjects could still speak, but not be able to struggle. If you really concentrate you can wiggle your fingers and toes, but I would advise against it.”

I ignore him and try to wiggle my fingers and toes. Pretty sure I bust a lung screaming.

“Hurts, doesn’t it?” Kelvin says as he stands up. “This stuff just lights the nerves on fire if you try to fight against it. My advice is you don’t fight, Jace. Stay calm, stay relaxed, and answer my questions when asked. This scenario could end up working out in your favor.”

“Suck a donkey dick, Reptile Jesus,” I snap.

Barely, like a far off thought, I feel my feet being lifted. Then the rough Berber carpet is scraping against my cheek, and I realize that Reptile Jesus is dragging me somewhere. I watch as velour covered piece of furniture after velour covered piece of furniture slides by. There’s a pause as a door opens then I’m being dragged again.

My face is the last part of me through the door, so it’s not until then that I realize that my velour and Berber carpet days are over. My cheek hits cold vinyl, and sort of sticks and stutters as I’m pulled into the center of a new room. The dragging stops and I watch, helpless, while Kelvin closes the door and locks it. From the amount of clicking and clacking I’d say there’s more than one deadbolt on that door.

“You aren’t going to touch me in my swimsuit area, are you?” I ask.

“No point,” Kelvin says as he hooks his arms around my chest and under my armpits.

With one heave he has me up and falling into a chair. It’s a dentist’s chair. Or maybe an orthodontist’s chair? How does one tell the difference?

“One doesn’t,” Kelvin replies. “And you’re wrong about both. It’s a barber’s chair. Maury found it for me in a beauty school he scavenged from back in our early days.”

“Was this before or after the Reptile Jesus gig?” I ask.

Kelvin straps my hand to one arm of the chair, then straps my legs down to the foot rest.

“It was after,” Kelvin says. “And what is all this Reptile Jesus stuff, Jace? You have to let me in on how your bruised brain came up with that.”

“You look like Jesus, and you act like a fucking snake,” I reply. “Just without the warmth and cuddliness.”

“Well, I’ve never been known for either of those,” Kelvin laughs. “But I do work at it. The followers wouldn’t stick around if they thought I was the cold-blooded mercenary that I am. They like to think I’m an actor from Chicago that found the Lord, left my wicked ways behind, and am now here to do His bidding. People are suckers for the Arts.”

“So, this whole messiah act really is just some con?” I ask. “You don’t actually believe God is working directly through you, right?”

“Oh, no, Jace,” Kelvin says as he pats me on the cheek, then is lost from my sight. “My background story is the con, my belief is not.”

I can hear the sound of metal on metal, and what little feeling I do have is focused in my balls wanting to scrunch up and hide near my spleen. Kelvin returns to my view, wheeling the proverbial tool laden torture cart (that’s a proverb, right?). There’s a single, bare lightbulb above me, and the light glints off a plethora of things, most of them dental in nature, but a few just good old hardware from Home Depot.

“I am the instrument of God,” Kelvin continues as he picks up each tool and shows them to me, one by one. “I have always been a true believer, ever since I was a small boy and my mother took me to church every Wednesday and Sunday. I became who I am to fight the Muslim heathens, and wipe them from the Earth. My superiors never knew my true intent, which is good or they would have removed me from my duties and put me on a desk job. But God has always known. And he has guided me on my righteous path.”

Kelvin’s hand hesitates over a good, ol’ X-ACTO knife. Looks like we’re starting with a classic.

“Is it safe?” Kelvin chuckles.

I laugh. Dammit! I’m a sucker for Marathon Man humor.

“It is not safe!” I reply. “It is not safe!”

“You aren’t going to pee yourself, are you Jace?” Kelvin asks as he sets the blade back on the cart, pushes the cart aside, and pulls up a stool right next to my head. “If you need to pee, please tell me. I can insert a catheter.” He looks down at my crotch. “In fact, I may just go ahead and do that. You think you might defecate? I have adult diapers ready.”