I finished Jamie’s pedicure and the two of us relaxed on her daybed waiting for her nails to dry. Jamie, of course, was on her phone talking to one of her many boyfriends. I think this one was the handsome NSman she’d met in an online chat group. They were goo-gooing and gaa-gaaing at each other. I sat there silently waiting for her to finish, not very pleased that our time together was being taken over by some random dude.
My handphone buzzed in my pocket and, simultaneously, Jamie’s made a chiming sound, interrupting the love talk. We’d both received a text message at the same time. My heart began to race. Either it was a mass advertisement annoyingly sent by our service carrier or, gulp, from Sheldon.
I pulled out my phone and read the message:
“Dear CARS contestants,
Malaysia MOH says go ahead.
CARS race stars tmr.
Pls chk-in Cera Auto @ 0700. :-) ”
Jamie and I couldn’t believe it.
She ran out of the room screaming to her family at full volume, “We’re racing tomorrow! We’re racing tomorrow!” Her parents jumped from the sofa, shaking off their television stupor, thrilled about the prospect of spending Jamie’s portion of the money should the girls win.
Jamie began texting all of her boyfriends, telling them to stock up on jewelry and designer handbags, because once we were famous and wealthy it will take a lot more than Nasi Lemak down at the Kopitiam to get to second base with her again.
I, on the other hand, only had to text my employer to inform her that I wouldn’t be out for the week due to the extraordinary opportunity to be on a reality TV show. Fortunately, my manager wasn’t too upset at the short notice. Retail business was slow, as it was still a few months away from the Great Singapore Sale.
We were so excited we jumped up and down on Jamie’s bed like we used to when we were children.
We were going to be famous television stars!
Zombies were the last thing on our minds.
******
The teams had to report to the Cera dealership in Queenstown at seven o’clock in the morning. Quaid and Norris, the Ang Moh team and the only non-Singaporeans in the race, were the first to arrive. The rest of us trickled in about twenty to thirty minutes later with our usual excuses of overcrowded buses and unavailable taxis readily available if anyone inquired about our tardiness.
It was another humid Singapore morning and we were anxious get the show on the road. We were sheltered from the sun inside the Cera showroom but even so it was still hot, sticky and wet indoors. Jamie and I were trying to keep cool by sitting in front of a large grey industrial fan turned on high. The room was filled with nervous energy and while there was idle banter casually floating around among the teams, it was spoken with suspicious and calculating eyes.
Jamie and I had our hair tied up in matching braided pony-tails and wore cute little matching headbands with only a light brushing of powder and eyeliner to look fresh and young. We had on black sporty polo shirts and short little red daisy duke shorts that matched our headbands with full length black spandex stretchy pants underneath. We were instructed to play up our beauty for the show, but we wanted to play it conservative too considering our heritage and the fact that we were going to be racing through Malaysian backcountry where we wanted to be respectful of the country’s culture and traditions.
There were six paired teams chosen for the race out of thousands of auditions and we sat there waiting for the CARS host to finish rehearsing her lines. Gemma Ng was the host of the show. She was a fresh Tua Kee Media artiste, an alternative rocker-type Chinese Singaporean who began her career in entertainment as a radio host. She was tall, thin and rather cute. She had some interesting star tattoos on her arms, but as for her personality, I thought she was full of nothing but lukewarm air.
The teams were grouped among the Cera show cars in twos and fours, whispering rumors of the latest zombie news. It was so annoying to me that everyone in the room couldn’t stop talking about zombie fever. They regurgitated the information about the Malaysian outbreak that had been steadily streaming from the Singapore news channels and flooding in from all the non-traditional media outlets like the late night comedy talk shows, z-phone apps, social networks, webcasts, neighbors, work colleagues, family members and friends who knew people in Malaysia. All of these arteries of information were pumping and pulsing but mainly saying the same amid the grotesque footage, ‘we’re dealing with a disease, nothing supernatural’, ‘stay clear of infected, do not go to their aid’, ‘if bitten or if you come physical contact with a zombie, report to local authorities immediately’, ‘disease is not widespread and will be contained shortly’, ‘if in imminent danger of contact, shoot in the head to minimize fluid contamination’, etc., etc., etc.
Boring.
Seriously, I didn’t want to hear about IHS in Malaysia.
Frankly, I’d had enough of the ‘zombie’ trend. Out of sight, out of mind is what I say to the whole thing. People get cancer and heart disease all the time. Do we carry on about it like it’s the end of the world? No, we don’t. We continue to live our lives and hope for the best. It should be the same with this new disease. So what if people are catching a fever somewhere in some backwater town in Malaysia and then walk around trying to spread it to others? Does it really affect us? I mean, how much can you take of this zombie crap.
I wanted to change the subject, so I leaned over to Jamie and whispered, “Hey, have you noticed how each pair of team members is a classic Singaporean stereotype?”
She giggled and leaned in to me, knowing this is how I usually started on one of my socially satirical tirades. Jamie enjoyed it when I let my imagination run wild against the world. I could tell this time was no exception if I were to gauge her amusement by the muffled giggles escaping through the fingers of her cupped hand covering her mouth. I whispered softly in her ear.
“This is how I imagined the teams should have been introduced if the show were truthful and willing to admit its stereotyping ways:
‘Welcome to Cera’s Amazing Racing Showdown! Here are the teams vying for the million dollar prize:
Rally Car 1 is manned by Ted and Ahmed, the comical but wimpy guy team. Ted being the funnier of the two and Ahmed, obviously the overweight bumbler. Watch these two for your comic relief in the more harrowing parts of the race!
Rally Car 2’s Tucker and Yvonne are the CARS lovey-dovey, handholding couple that brings in that element of cloying PDA (public displays of affection). As you can see from the Prada handbag hanging from his arm, Tucker carries his girlfriend’s purse and from what we can ascertain through his effeminate stance, cries when he watches chick flicks, sharing a box of tissues with his girlfriend. Yvonne looks so cute and friendly in social situations but get her home and she’s a cold, demanding and calculating bitch.’” Jamie let out a loud croaking sound of laughter and everyone looked over for a moment and then went back to their zombie talk.
I continued with delicate precision, “’Rally Car 3 has the body-builder duo, Meng and Esther, the friendly weightlifting muscle heads. Meng was a gold medal winner for the Singapore Weightlifting Association and Esther can be seen in those early morning California Spa commercials pumping her guns. When alone together, they can be found proudly flexing their quads or other over-trained quivering body mass for each other’s admiration.’”
I believed I was merely joking with Jamie about how the teams should be introduced but subconsciously I was nervous and feeling rather mediocre. Putting down the other teams was my way of propping myself up.
“Fuelled by its team’s own sense of superiority is Rally Car 4, driven and navigated by Quaid and Norris, the Ang Moh Caucasian team. Norris is American and Quaid is British, two whiter than white Caucasian men from different parts of the world with shaved heads and higher than thou attitudes. Both of them arrogant, chauvinistic, clueless about the culture they’re living in, oh and mildly xenophobic; a combination that will make for many culturally uncomfortable scenes for your amusement.
And here comes Rally Car 5’s Jamie and Abigail, the young, beautiful and innocent Singapore girls. They’re short and petite with the youthful looks of teenagers disguising their true ages of twenty and twenty-one.” Jamie’s giggling quieted down as I described the two of us. “Abigail and Jamie have been lifelong friends since they were five. They love each other and are closer than sisters. Jamie loves men, I mean she loves men and Abigail loves Jamie and their times together,” She leaned into me further putting her hand in mine as I spoke, “They don’t drink alcohol and only frequent halal restaurants. Their actions are measured and well-thought out and they will stop at nothing to win the prize.” Jamie raised her arms victoriously into the air at this statement as though we had already won.
“Finally, Rally Car 6 is driven by Derrik and Lydia, the Ah Beng and Ah Lian team. Ugh, what’s to say about this team, lor? If you know what an Ah Beng and Ah Lian are, then there’s no need to explain these two living caricatures. But if you don’t know, like a typical Ah Beng, Derrik is a Chinese man in his late twenties who likes to sport tight t-shirts, bleach blonde dyed hair, a dangling cigarette and a nineties sense of style. He loves driving overly-modified Japanese pocket rocket cars and, like the rest of the Ah Bengs, is crude, low class, loud and foul mouthed. Lydia, the Ah Lian, is his female counterpart, equally crude and low class with the same nineties fashion sense and penchant for chain smoking. She excels in the use of Singlish and always hangs out at dingy nightclubs.”
We erupted into giggles.
Derrik motioned towards us and Lydia rolled her eyes.
Quaid and Norris were also watching us, whispering, no doubt about which one of us they’d like kiss first.
Sheldon signaled to the teams that the crew was ready to film the opening scene.
The teams gathered in a large unorganized cluster in front of a large CARS banner as directed carrying our duffle bags and backpacks full of clothes and supplies, all of us bunched together behind Gemma who was holding a long, steel retrolicious microphone. She had changed into a shiny, silver racing queen outfit to match and looked stunning.
And just like that, Sheldon called out, “ACTION!”
The reality show had begun.
“Good afternoon, Singapore and the world! Welcome to Cera’s Amazing Racing Showdown! I’m Gemma and I’ll be your host for this exciting million-dollar racing competition!
Behind me, you see the excited CARS teams eagerly awaiting the start of this challenging race that begins here in Singapore and then hurls like a meteor into the heart of Malaysia where the teams will compete in racing events, mind-boggling competitions and physical contests deep in the heart of the IHS quarantine zone!
Yes! You heard correctly! CARS has received special permission from Malaysian authorities to race through zombie infested lands, taking our Cera cars and their teams to the limit in this competition for one million dollars while avoiding becoming victims of the zombie plague!
There is only one simple rule that will determine the winner.” Gemma glanced back at us, careful to keep her profile steady in the shot, “After each day of the race, the team to come in last will be eliminated. So teams, speed and cunning are your friends in this no-holds-barred racing competition full of danger and frights.” As rehearsed, she looked over the teams with serious and concerned eyes, “Teams, listen carefully. Avoid contact with any zombies you may encounter during your adventure. If you become infected with IHS, well, you know what will happen …” Gemma put her hand to her temple and pulled the trigger of an imaginary pistol. “Pew, a bullet right in your brain!”
There were cheers and laughs from the teams and crew, as rehearsed.
She turned back to the camera, “Remember viewers, you can get all the details of your favorite racers, CARS merchandise, behind-the-scenes clips and live action updates from me, Gemma, at CARSTV.com.sg.
Are you ready racers?”
“Yeah!” We shouted in unison for the benefit of an invisible audience.
“On your marks, get set, GO!” Gemma shouted into the microphone.
She jumped out of frame and the cameras turned and focused on the teams.
The race had begun.
I began to feel light headed. Worried that I would pass out from the adrenaline rush, I took several shallow breaths. I couldn’t let Jamie down. I had to be strong for her.
As a group, we rushed madly for the door, colleagues in a shared event just minutes earlier turned enemies at the word ‘Go’. Everyone was pushing and shoving as we squeezed through the showroom exit, spilling out into the parking lot where a line of six CARS rally cars decked out in racing stripes and number decals were waiting. Incidentally, while they looked like rally cars, the teams knew from our briefing at Tua Kee Media that they were simple four-cylinder stock models of the latest Cera economy sedan painted to look rough and tough. If anything could be said about Sheldon, it was that he knew when to cut financial corners for a production. It was easy enough to add the sounds of larger engines and screeching tires in post-production editing.
Jamie had agreed to drive first.
We threw our bags into the boot and I hopped into the passenger seat of Rally car 5. We pulled on our seatbelts and Jamie started the car. The rest of the teams jumped into the remaining five cars starting their engines and revving them loudly.
Chapter 2
“CUT!”
We heard the muffled voice of Sheldon yelling through a bullhorn at the entrance of the dealership barely missing decapitation from a swinging panoramic camera getting one last shot on a crane above.
Jamie shut off the car.
We got out and stood around with the rest of the teams.
Duh, this wasn’t the true start of the race. We were still in Singapore, home to some of the toughest traffic laws in the world. It would be impossible to race through the busy streets of Queenstown into downtown Singapore, north on the expressways to the causeway bridge connecting Singapore to Malaysia and across into Malaysia to where the events were planned without getting busted by the Singapore authorities monitoring the traffic cams.