0215543001348293036 vaughn piper oshea m.j. (26 page)

I was surprised when, instead of Dusty, it was Chad—my pseudo-friend in California. I hadn’t talked to him in months.

“Hey, hotness!” He was as exuberant as always. I knew I was imagining it, but it almost seemed like I could hear the California sunshine in his voice.

“Hey, Chad. How are you?”

“I’m great, and you’re going to be even greater. I have big news for ya.”

My heart stopped in my chest. I swear it did. And my breathing all of a sudden sped up. “What news?”

[173]

Piper Vaughn & M.J. O’Shea

“You’re moving to Hollywood, loves! A chair just opened up at Roberto, and the owner was
très
impressed with your portfolio.” I’d sent him that portfolio so long ago, I barely remembered doing it.

“Roberto? Roberto Colucci?” My brain was imploding, along with reality and everything else. It was the only question I could think to ask.

“Yes, darling. You’ll be working with me, brushing shoulders with celebs. It’s everything you wanted.”

“Oh my God….”

“More like ‘Oh my Chad.’ You can thank me when you get here.

Pack your bags, baby!”

“But—”

“No buts, other than yours on a plane. I need you here in a month.

Will that give you enough time to get your affairs together—pack, break your lease, tell Delaware to kiss your fabulous ass?”

“Y-yeah.”

I didn’t know what else to say. I said good-bye and clicked the

“end” button on my cell just as Dusty was coming in the door, arms full of pizza and snacks. I’d been feeling a bit hungry before, but after that call my stomach was full of flapping, terrified butterflies. I didn’t know what I was going to do. Everything I’d ever dreamed of could be coming true… I just wasn’t sure if it was still my dream.

“What’s wrong, Underoo?” Dusty put the snacks down on my table and came over to me. I was so freaked out I didn’t even manage to tell him to put a place mat under the hot pizza boxes like I usually would.

“Chad just called.”

“Oh, how is he?” Dusty smiled. He and Chad had shared a light flirtation the few times they’d talked.

“No, Dusty,
Chad just called
.” I could tell exactly when Dusty figured out what I meant by that.

[174]

one small thing

“Oh my God, what are you going to do? You aren’t going to take it, are you?”

I groaned. “I don’t know, Dust. I’ve wanted it for so many years.

Forever, it seems.”

“But what about Erik? I don’t think he’ll want to leave Delaware.”

“I know.” I wanted to cry. “This is such a mess. It should be the best news I’ve gotten in my life, but I have no idea what to do.”

“Would you want Erik to come… or me?”

“Of course! I want both of you. You’re my family. I just don’t think he’ll do it. It’s so far from his parents, from familiarity.”

“So if you go, you’re going without him?”

The thought of it made me want to puke. “Yeah. If I say yes to Chad, then I have to leave Erik. It’s everything I wanted, Dust. It’s the reason we’ve tortured ourselves, it’s just
everything
….” I was so lost in my misery I didn’t hear the door open on its ancient, squeaky hinges. I don’t know how I missed it. But I
did
hear the gasp and the sound of glass shattering. Erik was standing in the doorway, his hand still held in a cupped shape from the glass he’d dropped, horror making his face pale beneath his early summer tan. He took a step back, away from the pale liquid pooling around his feet, his eyes wide.

“Erik!
Wait
….”

He didn’t listen, just spun on his heel and bolted down the hallway. A few seconds later I heard the door to his place slam.
God
motherfucking dammit.

“How much did he hear?” I ground my face into my hands. I felt like my life was all of a sudden spiraling out of control. I had to fix it.

Dusty shook his head. “I don’t know what he heard, hon. That last bit didn’t sound so good.”

“Thanks a lot, Dust. You’re a great friend.”

[175]

Piper Vaughn & M.J. O’Shea

I jumped up to go after Erik. I needed to get to him, to make sure he knew I loved him and the choice wasn’t already made. I wanted…

argh, I didn’t know what I wanted. No, I did know. I wanted both of them—my partner and the job of my dreams. The problem was I had to decide which one I wanted more. And that might prove to be impossible.

Dusty held out his arm to stop me. “Let me go talk to him. You’ll just make things worse. Just think, babe. Think hard. Maybe

‘everything’ has changed for you. I’m going to talk to him, but it might not matter. Stay or go, in the end the choice will be yours. And it might be one you have to make by yourself.”

I nodded, agreeing with him. I didn’t have a clue what he was saying, but I’d agree to anything if he’d just go after Erik already. If nothing else, I needed him to leave so I could throw up. I felt the bile coming hard and fast. The smell from the pizza was making me retch.

“Go, Dust. Talk to him, please.”

Dusty nodded and went after Erik. I waited until I heard the click of the door behind him before I sprinted for the bathroom just in time to lose the coffee and muffin I’d had earlier.

Erik

SOMEHOW I was back at my chair. I didn’t know how. It seemed both familiar and strange at the same time. It’d been so very long since I really
needed
it. But right then I was free-falling, and that chair was my parachute. My knees were on the floor, my cheek pressed against the cool leather seat. I felt a sharp pain on my scalp and realized that my fingers were in my hair, twisting and pulling, twisting and pulling. I couldn’t stop.

Rue’s words were spinning crazily in my head.
Chad. Everything
I wanted. I have to leave Erik.

Chad.

[176]

one small thing

Leave Erik.

Leave.

He’s gonna leave me.

My chest felt unbearably tight. Every breath I drew in was a battle. From far away, I could hear myself wheezing. My face burned and my skin itched like I had thousands of bugs crawling on me, their itty-bitty legs marching and marching.

Oh God… ohGodohGodohGod….

Leaving. He said he never would. He said none of those other guys ever meant anything. That Chad was just a friend. But he was leaving. Going away. To be with
him
. Chad.

He lied. Lied, lied, lied.

It hurt so much I thought I might be dying. My body shook; my teeth chattered. The leather under my cheek was wet from the tears that ran down my face unchecked.

Too much. Can’t breathe….

My stomach roiled as the coffee and chocolate cupcake I’d eaten earlier threatened to reemerge with a lot more fanfare than they’d gone down with originally. Dark, grainy shadows appeared at the edges of my vision, creeping inward.

Need air. Can’t breathe. Need—

“Erik?”

The sound of a voice overhead made me flinch. I huddled closer to the chair and pressed my face further into the seat. Thoughts whirled in my brain, ricocheted and bounced off each other, indecipherable as a thousand people speaking at once.

A hand briefly touched the back of my head. “Erik, you need to breathe, okay? Come on, hon, breathe with me.” I knew that voice, and it wasn’t the one that was tormenting me, the one that kept ringing in my ears and made my heart hurt. The familiarity of it stopped me from edging further away.

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Piper Vaughn & M.J. O’Shea

“That’s it. Come on. Let’s count it out, okay? Deep breath in…

one, two… yeah. Now deep breath out… one, two. Yeah, that’s perfect.

Let’s try it again. Deep breath in….”

I followed the instructions of that calm, soothing voice, sucking in huge lungfuls of air and then releasing them slowly. Over and over and over again. Until the vise around my chest loosened, the trembling eased, and the chaotic thoughts faded to barely perceptible white noise.

“See? That’s better, right? Do you need me to get some medicine for you, hon?”

The question took a moment to penetrate, but when it finally did, I gave a grateful nod. Yeah. Yeah, medicine would be good.

“Where is it?”

“B-b-b-bathroom. Xa-Xanax.”

“I’m gonna grab it, okay? When I come back, we’ll talk. I’m not leaving, okay?”

“’K-kay.”

It was only a few moments before gentle hands were helping me sit upright, and a pill was pressed into my palm. “Here, take this.” I took the pill and washed it down with half the bottle of lemon-lime Gatorade that appeared in front of me. Slender fingers brushed sweat-damp hair off my forehead, and I lifted my gaze to find Dusty’s dark, dark eyes focused on me in sympathy. He raised his arm and swiped something soft over my cheeks, wiping away the tears that still hadn’t stopped flowing.

“It’s okay, hon. It’s gonna be okay.”

His words brought another rush of warmth to my eyes. I squeezed my eyelids shut and shook my head. Nothing was going to be okay.

Not if Rue was leaving me.
Oh God, he—

“Stay with me, Erik. Talk to me.”

“N-n-not okay. R-r-ru—” I bit my lip and shook my head again.

My tongue was thick and clumsy, and I couldn’t get his name past the lump in my throat.

[178]

one small thing

“You heard what we talked about then? About the job offer from Chad?”

My eyes flew open at that. “Wh-what do you m-mean?” I asked.

The flow of blood from my racing heart was loud in my ears. Between that and the sound of my erratic breathing, I was sure I’d misheard him.

“J-job offer?”

“You didn’t hear that part?” Dusty sighed softly. “Rue has a friend in California named Chad. He’s been trying to hook Rue up with a job out there for
months
. Since before Alice was born, even. Finally, today, he called to tell Rue that he has something for him.”

“C-California?” I repeated. My brain focused on that one word and wouldn’t let it go. So far away. Literally the other side of the country. It might as well have been another continent for how intimidating it seemed. “So he’s r-really gonna go? W-with Alice?”

“I don’t know. You guys will have to talk about that. But this has been a big dream of Rue’s for as long as I can remember. This is the chance of a lifetime, Erik. Don’t make him choose.”

“S-seems to me he’s already ch-chosen. I h-heard him say if he said y-yes to Ch-Chad, he’d have to leave m-me.” Without me thinking about it, my fingers were back in my hair, twisting, twisting. “He’s g-gonna l-l-leave me f-f-for….” I couldn’t even say it.

“No, no. Not
for
Chad.” Dusty gently pried my fingers from my hair and held my hand in both of his. “Rue loves you, Erik. Chad is his friend, nothing more. Rue doesn’t want to leave you. He wants to take you with him. He just doesn’t think
you
would ever leave
here
.”

“I….”

“Would you leave, Erik? Would you go with him?” Go. Leave this place when I’d finally started to think of it as
home
. When it had taken me months and months to get to that point, and that was just moving from one place to another in the same
city
.

Moving to a different state, so far from everything familiar. So far from my parents. My mom wouldn’t just be able to drive down to help me if

[179]

Piper Vaughn & M.J. O’Shea

I needed it, like she could from Boston. But the thought of Rue leaving… oh, it made my entire body ache.

A tremble started in my hands again. Dusty squeezed the one he held in reassurance. He was sitting close enough for me to feel his presence, know he was there, but not close enough to crowd me. Right then I was grateful for the distance, and yet somehow, the grip of his surprisingly strong hands calmed me too. It was strange. Growing up, I’d never allowed anyone to touch me when I was like this, not even my own mother. That itchy, creepy-crawly feeling only intensified if someone tried to hold on to me. My reaction had always been to bolt or lash out if anyone came near, but that hadn’t happened in a
long
time.

“Just think about it,” Dusty went on in that quiet, soothing tone.

“Do you love Rue?”

“Of c-course!”

“Then it’s that simple, Erik. Come with him. With us.” I looked at him in surprise. “You’re going t-too?” Dusty nodded. “If he goes, I go. He’s been my best friend my whole life. I could never stay here without him.” That news made me tremble even harder. Not only Rue and Alice, but Dusty too. I’d be alone again. All alone. It had never bothered me before—even as a child, I’d always been extremely solitary—but now the very idea was like a giant fist closing in around me, stifling and terrifying and overwhelming all at once. Rue, Dusty… Alice, they were my friends, my family. And with Rue it was so much more. So, so much. Nothing had ever made me as happy as being with him.
Nothing
.

But he would go. He would think about leaving me without even talking to me first.

“Wh-why didn’t he t-tell me he was looking for a job out there?” Dusty shrugged slightly. “I think maybe he just hadn’t even thought about it. But you’ll have to ask him, hon.”

“I… I th-think I have to go lie down.”

[180]

one small thing

Dusty didn’t say anything, but I thought he might have been disappointed.
Can’t think about that right now. Don’t wanna think at
all.

I tried to stand, but my legs were shaky, and in the end Dusty had to shove his shoulder under my arm to keep me upright. He was just as small as Rue, maybe even a bit smaller, and the feel of him pressed up against my side made my nose and eyes burn. The tears had stopped at some point, but there was moisture hovering on my lashes again.
Sleep.