0215543001348293036 vaughn piper oshea m.j. (28 page)

“I’m going to get her. She’s not spending the day in that place.” I turned off the water and opened the shower curtain. I was standing there naked, no clothes, no makeup, not even a towel for armor. I was defenseless.

“No, Erik.” Even I could hear the sadness in my voice. “If you don’t want me anymore, if whatever misunderstanding made you not want me, then I have to move on.”

“To California?” His voice sounded harsh. Like he’d spent too many days not using it. Or crying. I knew the feeling.

“I don’t know.” I hung my head, my dripping head. I wasn’t sure if the water came from my hair or the tears I tried desperately to control. “Erik, I know Dusty told you. I’ve wanted that job for years, it’s exactly what I’ve been working toward, but I want you to come with me. I need our family back.”

“It’s so far.” He sounded a bit panicked. It was far—but California was nothing compared to the distance between our two apartments the past few days. Nothing.

“So you’re saying that if I stay, that we can be… again?” I didn’t know what to call it. Married? A family? So in love I could barely breathe for how much I needed him? God, when did it happen? When did he turn into my everything?

“I still love you, Rue. A lot. I’m just freaked out right now. I don’t know if I can do us anymore. I might not have it in me.” I collapsed in the bathtub, cold and wet and shaking. I couldn’t hear that. I couldn’t hear “I don’t know.” I felt warm arms around me

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and the rough caress of my towel being rubbed against my skin, but nothing registered. His hands kept massaging, and he was making soothing noises, like he would with Alice when she was crying so hard her little baby lungs could barely take in a breath. Then his hand was in my wet hair, tucking it back behind my ear so he could cup my face.

“What are you doing, Erik?” My voice sounded dead to my ears.

“I h-hate it when you’re sad.”

I finally looked up. He was kneeling on the hard honeycomb tiles of my bathroom floor. They were probably wearing little patterns into his knees. I didn’t offer to stand. Part of me wanted him to hurt like I was. “Do you think I like this?” I asked. “Do you think I like waiting here for days to see if you still want me?” I knew I’d put other guys through the same thing. I wished I hadn’t. I finally knew how it felt.

“What do you want me to do?”

I nearly choked. “Come back to me! This is awful. We need each other.” I let my head slump against his warm chest. The water from my hair spread across his shirt, but I didn’t care. He didn’t seem to care either. He kept holding me, cupping my head in his big, warm hands.

“I know,” he whispered. “I know.” Then he stood quietly and walked to the bathroom door. “Alice will be at my place when you come home. W-we’re still a family. Even if….” I nodded my head, and he left, closing the door silently behind him.

Erik

I WALKED to The Bean to pick up Alice in a daze. Seeing Rue so sad had nearly broken my heart. I kept hearing his words in my head—

“Come back to me. We need each other.”
And it was true. I did need him. But I wasn’t sure if I could do what he wanted, or be what he needed me to be.

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Dusty looked like he wanted to say something when he handed Alice over to me, but in the end he just shook his head and sent me off with a bag of chocolate chip muffins and an iced vanilla latte. In a way I was glad. I didn’t know what I would have said if he’d asked me if I’d come to any kind of decision yet. My thoughts were too jumbled. I needed to figure out a way to untangle the mess in my head.

I spent most of the day in varying stages of misery. I played with Alice until she got tired, and put her down for a nap. I tried to write while she slept, but the words wouldn’t come, so I decided to start another
Star Wars
marathon instead.

I was twenty minutes into
The Empire Strikes Back
when Alice finally woke up. I paused the movie long enough to change her and feed her a jar of pureed sweet potato before I settled back down on the couch with her on my lap. She sucked idly on a bottle of formula, her pretty blue eyes focused on my face as if she could somehow sense something was wrong. She’d been looking at me like that a lot lately, and it made me feel awful to think that somehow my mood was affecting her.

I stroked her silky black hair away from her face and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I’m s-sorry, honeybun.” Alice released the nipple of the bottle and gave me a milky smile.

“Da-da.”

“He’ll be home soon, baby.”

“Da-da,” Alice said again. She gripped a handful of my shirt in one chubby fist and nuzzled her face against my chest.

The word filled me with sudden warmth. My mouth trembled, and the backs of my eyes burned. She wasn’t asking for Rue. She meant me. I kissed her forehead again and smelled her sweet baby scent. I couldn’t stand the idea of losing Rue. But the thought of losing Alice sent my world into a tailspin. She was my little girl. She’d been with me almost every day since she’d been born. Rue had my heart, but Alice, she had my soul. How could I ever bear to let her go?

“Come on, baby girl. Da-da needs to make a phone call. You wanna play in your Jumperoo for a while?”

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Alice made a gurgly noise I took to be an assent. I put her in the cushioned seat in her activity center and left her to press the buttons and bat at the toys while I hunted down my cell phone. There was someone I always called when I needed advice, but I’d been putting off calling her for a while. I didn’t quite know how to tell her I was finally involved with someone, and that someone just so happened to be a man. I’d never even had a girlfriend before. I didn’t have a clue what she might say or how she might react.

I didn’t even really know if I was gay. I suppose society would assign me that label. I was in love with a man, and he made me hot and hard, his kisses made me shiver, and there’d never been anything more perfect than the feel of his body inside mine. So maybe it
was
the right word. But I honestly didn’t think my attraction to Rue had anything to do with his gender. I didn’t love Rue for what he did or didn’t have. I loved him because he was
Rue
. Nothing else mattered.

My palms were sweaty, and my heart was beating fast as I dialed my mother’s number. She picked up on the third ring, and she sounded so happy to hear from me, I couldn’t help but feel guilty for having put it off for as long as I had.

“Hi, Mom.”

“Erik, how are you, sweetie? Why haven’t you returned my calls?

I was starting to get worried.”

“Sorry, Ma.” I cleared my throat and swallowed hard, trying to ease the unexpected tightness. “It’s been a rough week. How’s D-Dad?”

“Good. He’s out golfing. Let me get into the house, okay? I just pulled in the driveway.” I heard the jingle of keys and the sound of a door opening and closing. Then Mom’s voice was back on the line. “So you want to tell me what’s been going on? Is it your book stuff again?”

“No, um… it’s about Rue.”

“Your neighbor? The one you’re babysitting for?”

“Y-yeah. About that….” I cleared my throat again and made my way into the kitchen to grab a Gatorade from the fridge. God, my

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mouth was so dry, and I was sure Mom could probably hear me breathing like a winded horse. “He’s not j-just my neighbor.” Mom was quiet for a long moment. “What do you mean?” she finally asked.

“I… we… he’s m-my partner. B-b-boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend? You’re… dating?”

“Y-y-y-ye—” I broke off when it became obvious I wouldn’t be able to get the word out. “W-we are,” I offered instead. “I l-love him.”

“
Love
?” she repeated. Her shock was almost tangible. “You’re in love?”

“I am.” I was proud when those words came out clear and strong.

“We are. We’ve been t-together for a few months now.” Mom was silent for so long my confidence began to waver. I chewed on my lower lip for a moment, then said hesitantly, “Are you…

is that okay?”

“Okay?” she asked with a sniff and a shaky laugh. “That’s wonderful!”

A wave of relief washed over me, so intense it left me feeling lightheaded. I heard her sniff a second time and blinked in surprise.

“Are you c-crying, Mom?”

She laughed again, a bit self-consciously it sounded to me. “I’m sorry, I can’t help it. Erik, I never thought… I’m just so happy for you.

When can I come down to meet him?”

“Actually, I was calling because I need some advice. We haven’t r-really talked in almost a week, and I d-don’t know what I should do to fix it.”

“Okay. Well, tell me what the problem is, and we’ll figure it out together.”

I peeked into the living room to check on Alice, and then I told my mother everything, the entire story of me and Rue, starting with the day we first kissed. I left out the more personal details, of course, but I wanted to make sure she understood just how much Rue meant to me,

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and how we, along with Dusty and Alice, had become a little oddball family. When I was finished, her response was instantaneous.

“Well, that’s easy enough,” she said. “Go with him to California.”

“B-but, Ma, you kn-know how bad I am with change. I don’t know if I can h-handle—”

“Erik,” she interrupted in the same calm, soothing tone she’d used with me about a million times when I was growing up, “you can handle anything. Could you have imagined two years ago being where you are now? You’ve grown by leaps and bounds since then. You have friends.

You have a man who, judging by what you’ve told me, clearly adores you. Why would you even hesitate?”

“I guess I’m just… sc-scared.”

“Scared of what, honey?”

“Of leaving everything familiar. Of disappointing him. Of m-making a mess of it all.”

“Erik, love is messy. Sometimes that’s the best part. You love him, and he loves you. And you both love that little baby, don’t you?”

“Y-yeah. She… Alice is amazing. You’d love her too, Mom.”

“I’m sure I will.” I could hear the smile in her voice. “Erik, you already know what you need to do, sweetheart.”

“Yeah,” I said. I knew she was right. “I think I just needed to hear someone say it aloud.”

“Well, I’m saying it. When Rue gets home, you tell him you’ll go with him. And then you go, honey. Be brave. You can handle anything that comes your way, I have no doubt.”

I nodded, even though I knew she couldn’t see me. For a moment, I was too overcome to speak. I’d told her, and not only had she accepted me without any questions, she’d told me exactly what I needed to hear. “Thanks, Mom.”

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Chapter 16

Rue

I DID my job mechanically that day, cutting, dyeing, flirting with a half-empty smile. I tried to picture myself in California, living in the sun under a palm tree, spending my days styling the rich and famous.

My chest still felt empty. It was only when I added my family into that picture that it started to be okay. It was that old fantasy I had of Erik and me, together with Dusty and a beautiful dark-headed toddler, playing at the beach, hanging out at home. It used to seem possible. I’d never have it if I moved away.

But what if I stayed and he never wanted me back? Was I a fool for even considering it?

“What’s wrong, Rue?” Daisy’s voice surprised me. I guess I’d been in even bigger of a fog than I’d originally thought. I was cleaning up from my last customer of the day. I wanted nothing more than to go home and collapse in my bed, not that I’d gotten any real sleep there lately.

“Nothing’s wrong.”

Daisy rolled her eyes. “Bullshit.”

I would’ve chuckled if I had it in me to do so. “Really, I’m fine.

Listen, Dais, about that job in California—”

“You’re an idiot if you don’t take it.”

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“But Erik….” I couldn’t leave him. I couldn’t.

“Look, Erik seems like a total sweetheart. Really, he does. But men come and go, Rue. I’m speaking from experience here.”
No! Not Erik. It’s not like that with us.
“But I love him.”

“I know you do. But you have to make the best decision for you and your daughter. Alice needs you.”

But she needed Erik too. Daisy had just made up my mind. In trying to talk me into going to California, she’d just given me the biggest reason to stay. My daughter loved Erik. In her nine months of life she’d spent more time with him than any other person on the planet—even me. How could I take him away from her? I couldn’t.