“You wanted to take me to my prom?” I said.
“I wasn’t naïve enough to think you’d say yes. To be honest, I wasn’t even sure you’d talk to me. And it’s kind of hard to dance with someone who wants you dead.” I laughed a little, and his face lit up.
But then I realized playing off my emotions as a joke wasn’t fair to me. I’d been devastated by our breakup; I wasn’t going to let him off so easy. “Gray, I never wanted you dead, but I did want you to feel as much pain as I did. And I’m sorry if I hurt you. I don’t know why I can’t seem to get over you, no matter how much time passes. But I know that I was finally doing okay, and now suddenly you’re back, and I don’t know what to think about any of this.”
He took a step toward me. “I’m confused, too,” he said, “Well, not confused. I know what I want. I’m just not sure it’s fair to ask you.”
“Ask me what?”
He took a deep breath and moved closer. “In the letter I wrote, I left something out. Last fall in boot camp, I kept thinking about us, about how young you were and how much of your life you had ahead of you. And I was just this screwup trying to prove something to himself. When I thought about how hard it would be to stay together over the years and distance, I got scared. I told myself I didn’t deserve you and that you’d be better off without me. But it’s harder to stay away from you than I thought. In all this time, you’ve never left my mind. You’re in my dreams, in every waking thought. What I left out of the letter, Emma, is that I’m in love with you. I have been for a long time. I don’t know if I’ve damaged our relationship too much for you to consider giving me another chance. But I know we belong together. We always have.”
I stopped breathing. A brilliant blue and black butterfly suddenly alighted on Gray’s shoulder. “Hold still,” I said. I leaned in to get a closer look, my face inches from his shoulder, close enough to feel the heat radiating from his chest.
Gray slowly turned his head. “I’m afraid if I move, it’s going to fly away.”
And then it did. The butterfly fluttered away and disappeared into the blue. And there in that moment, something broke free inside me and soared as well. I leaned in and inhaled Gray’s familiar scent, like the ocean at nighttime. Steadying myself with my hands on his chest, I touched the Virgo angel around his neck.
“I thought you only wore this when you went away,” I said. “You can take it off now. You’re home.”
His face softened, and he ran a finger slowly along my cheek. Closing his eyes, he stood still and waited, just as patiently as he had with the butterfly. I wasn’t going to fly away. I had no defenses left. Standing on tiptoe, I leaned in and pressed my lips to his. He opened his eyes, surprised. And then he gave in to the kiss, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close. Kissing Gray was a coming together of opposites, like taking off and landing all at once. It was a sweet kiss, tentative and slow, and I felt like everything—the air, the grass, the earth on its axis—slowed to match us.
Until a little boy came running by with a giant butterfly balloon, screaming, “Eww. Mommy, people are kissing!”
Gray and I laughed and left the garden, but he grabbed my hand and held it the entire way back into town. We spent several hours at the coffee shop, telling each other about all that had happened while he was away. Later, we stood beside his Jeep for another hour, neither of us wanting to leave.
It was especially hard to say good-bye when a time limit was looming over our heads. From that Sunday morning to the following Friday, the days raced by like we were on some planet set to crash and burn within days. I skipped several classes so we could spend our afternoons together, and Gray made feeble attempts to spend time with his family, only to show up back at my dorm every night. We couldn’t stay away from each other.
On Saturday afternoon, we drove to Oak Lane Park and walked the trails. The sky was a mind-blowing blue, and the air was heady with pollen. We laid a picnic blanket out in a sunny clearing and unpacked a bag Gray had filled with white wine, raspberries, smoked cheese, dark chocolate. Lying next to each other, we let the sun beat warm on our faces and lost ourselves in the moment.
At one point, Gray was feeding me raspberries, comically. Laughter welled up inside me, my feelings for him so deep and wide they knocked the breath out of me. “If someone were to make a movie of us, it would be nauseating,” I said.
He leaned up on his elbow and smiled. “Who cares? No one else matters.” I lay on my back again, and Gray began running his fingers very lightly, teasingly, along my chest. “I can’t stop touching your skin. I’m in love with these little freckles right here. It looks like someone sprinkled cinnamon over you.” He leaned over and licked the spot just below the base of my throat.
I could feel us falling, toppling headlong into some mad tumult together. For now, it seemed like we were floating, but I knew it wouldn’t be long before we came crashing back to earth.
C
HAPTER
24
I
made myself get out of bed on Monday and go to class, knowing I could only milk my excuse of the flu for two or three days at most without arousing suspicion. So I wasn’t that surprised when Madame Favier asked to see me after class, figuring she probably just wanted to give me my makeup work. As Jess left the room without me, she made a slashing gesture at her neck. I tried to stifle my laughter as I went up to Madame’s desk.
“Emma, assayez voice, s’il vous plaît,” Madame said. She sounded like she meant business. I took a chair across from her desk and studied her face, which had gone grim. “Emma,” she began again. “Je suis désolé, mais . . .” In the end, she decided to go with English. “Emma, I’m so sorry, but I’m afraid something terrible has happened. As a result of your slipping grades and your recent truancy issues—”
“Truancy issues?” I said. “Madame, I’ve only missed three days.”
“Regardless, Dr. Overbrook has informed me that he’s rescinding your letter of recommendation for the Paris program. I’m very sorry, Emma, but he decided to give the scholarship to Elise.”
“Elise?” Madame nodded regretfully. “But . . . he already gave it to me. How can he do that?” She shook her head. “Isn’t there anything you can do? You’re the French teacher. Can’t you talk to him? Change his mind?”
“I don’t think so,” she said. “The final decision rests with him. I’m very sorry, Emma.”
I didn’t know what to say, but I knew I had to get out of the room; I didn’t want to burst into tears in front of Madame.
Quickly, I made my way from Exeter back to the dorms, hoping not to run into anyone. When I got into my room, I had to resist the urge to flop on the bed crying. I knew one person who’d be happy about this news, but right now I couldn’t bear the thought of hearing my dad try to hide his glee over the telephone. I’d call him later when I wasn’t feeling so fragile.
For now, I called Gray instead. When I told him what had happened, he hopped in his car and was in front of my dorm in less than forty minutes. I thought he was going to walk into Overbrook’s office and threaten him to a duel.
“It’s okay,” I said as we walked around campus. “But I’m disappointed. No matter what I do, I’m stifled at every turn. I can’t seem to make anything work.”
“You make
us
work,” he said. He curled his arm around me with a reassuring squeeze. “Emma,” he said, “if you’re not going to Paris, then maybe . . .”
“What?” I said after a long pause.
“Maybe I shouldn’t go either.”
“What are you talking about?” I said, pulling out from his arm.
“What if I didn’t leave this time?” he said. “What if I stayed here? With you.”
“But you have to go back. It’s the Coast Guard.”
“I don’t
have
to do anything,” he said. “I get to decide. And maybe I don’t have anything to prove now except to you. Maybe I could stay here and be with you, for real this time. You know, take some courses at the community college, figure out what to do with my life.”
“Are you serious?”
“I don’t know, maybe I am. Now that I’m back here with you, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to leave.”
“But Gray, the Coast Guard was your dream. It’s what you’ve wanted for so long.”
“I’ve wanted you for longer. I mean, what if they send me to Alaska? And you’re in France, and we don’t see each other for an entire year. Would you want that?”
“I wouldn’t want that, but I would handle it.”
“But what if you didn’t have to?” he said. I could feel my heart soaring, doing cartwheels and triple axels. But my brain was still talking sense.
“Gray, don’t do this,” I said. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep. I’ve spent enough of this year pining away for you to let you play with my heart.”
“I’m not playing with your heart,” he said, grabbing my hands. “Emma, I love you. I want us to be together.”
I couldn’t help but be won over by his enthusiasm. “I love you, too,” I said shyly. “But are you sure?”
“I’ve never been more sure,” he said. “I want to be a part of your life, to go out on dates, take you to school dances. Well, we might have to wait until next year for the school dances.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” I said. “Last year, I brought the prom to you, remember?”
He laughed. “Okay, Emma. This year, I’ll bring the prom to you.”
“And how are you going to do that?” I said. “You’re not even allowed in my dorm.”
“That doesn’t matter. I can still buy you a corsage, and we can get dressed up and go to some fancy restaurant that plays violin music, and we can slow dance all night. If you want, we could even invite your friends. Make it more like a real prom.”
I smiled. “I always pictured riding to prom in a big limo with all of my friends.”
“Okay, so we’ll rent a limo and you’ll wear a beautiful dress, and I’ll wear a tux and we’ll do whatever you always dreamed you’d do on your prom night.”
I drew his hand to my mouth and kissed his knuckles. “You know, you are the sweetest guy ever.”
“Aw, you’re making me blush.”
We continued walking past the dining hall, and I remembered the day Jess and Michelle had tried to buy prom tickets during lunch. I found myself getting angry all over again. “Hey, were you serious about me inviting my friends if I want?” I said.
“Of course. Why?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I was just thinking. What if we really did make our own prom?”
“Yeah, that’s what we’re talking about.”
“No, I mean bigger than that. Like, what if we organized an alternative prom for all the kids who got banned from the other one? Actually, anyone who wanted could come, and they could bring whoever they wanted. Or come alone. The whole point would be there are no rules, no restrictions.”
Gray shrugged his shoulders. “It sounds fun to me if you think you could pull it off.”
“I think we could. I already know the perfect venue.”
I told him about the Depot, and we discussed the possibilities as we walked around campus. And when we said good-bye beside his Jeep, it didn’t really feel like good-bye.
Because this time, Gray was staying.
I was so excited to tell everyone my prom idea that I’d forgotten all about my disappointment over the lost scholarship. But as I walked back to my room, I ran into Elise in the hallway. She stopped me with her hand and got this serious look on her face. “Emma, I am so sorry about Paris,” she said. “I had no idea this was going to happen.”
“It’s okay, Elise,” I said. “Really, don’t worry about it.”
“No, it’s not okay; it’s bullshit, and you know it. I don’t want the scholarship this way. I’m going to turn it down.”
“No, you’re not,” I said. “You want to get away from this place as much as I do, and you deserve it. Take the scholarship.”
“I don’t need the money,” she said. “If I turn it down, maybe Overbrook will reconsider.”
“Are you kidding? He’ll just find someone else to give it to. He’s getting back at me for the whole Day of Silence debacle, for daring to tarnish his school’s precious reputation.”
Jess and Michelle must have heard us talking because they both came out of Elise’s room to see what was going on. “Emma, we heard,” Michelle said. “I’m so sorry.”
“Me too,” Jess said.
“You know what I think?” Elise said. “I think Overbrook’s afraid my dad’s going to stop giving money to the school if I don’t get the scholarship. He’s trying to protect his assets.”
“I’ll tell you what he can do with his assets,” I said, and they all laughed. But then their sympathetic frowns returned. “Seriously, guys, it might turn out to be a good thing after all.”
“How could it be a good thing?” Michelle asked.
I couldn’t conceal the smile creeping over my face. “Well, Gray’s home on leave and . . . we’ve been seeing a lot of each other. Actually . . .” Suddenly I was afraid to tell them about our decision.
“Actually what?” Jess asked.
“He’s staying.” I paused a moment to watch their faces.
“What do you mean he’s staying?” Michelle said.
“I mean, he decided not to go back to the Coast Guard. Since I lost the Paris scholarship and I’m going to be stuck here next year, we decided that . . . we want to be together. Not long distance this time, but really together.”
All of them were struck silent until Elise finally said, “Wow. He must really love you to give all that up.”
“Yeah,” I said, nodding.
They smiled and congratulated me and said all the right things, but something about their reactions seemed forced. Wary. To lighten the mood, I told them our idea for holding an alternative prom at the Depot. At first they seemed skeptical, but as I outlined the plans Gray and I had come up with, they started to warm up to it.
Jess was the first to soften. “It’s not the worst idea I’ve ever heard.”
But then Michelle said, “How are we going to put a prom together? It’s only five weeks until graduation.”
“Well, let’s map out the basics,” I said. “We already have a venue.”
“We’ll need music,” Jess said. “Maybe Ice-9 could play.”
“I don’t want you guys to have to play all night,” I said. “I want you to enjoy yourselves.”