I sat up and checked my feet for mud and leaves, signs of travel. They were clean. Something had kept my body grounded this time. I hadn’t gone anywhere except in my mind. Just like Darlene had told me. I wanted to laugh.
“We couldn’t wake you,” Michelle said. “You were dreaming so hard.”
“Yeah,” Elise said. “You were running in your sleep like a dog.”
“Did you have a nightmare?” Jess asked.
“Yeah,” I said, sitting up. “And you were there. And you. And you—”
“Oh, shut up,” Michelle said. “We’re just glad you’re alive.”
“Me too,” I said.
And the strange thing was, I felt really alive—more rested and energetic than I had in a long time. Whatever metaphorical scarlet letter had been burdening my soul had been lifted, and I felt lighter. Stronger. Ready to face whatever lay ahead of me.
As we gathered up our belongings and headed back to campus, Hester’s last words repeated in my head: “You have many paths to choose . . . follow your heart.” An uneasiness swept over me as I contemplated its meaning.
I spent the day getting ready for my big night with Gray, showering and shaving, packing a bag with clothes and sexy underwear, perfume and candles. But I was feeling anything but romantic. Was I really ready for this?
Gray came and picked me up at school around six, and we had dinner at the sushi restaurant where we’d had our first date. I was trying to loosen up and have a good time, but the hotel above the waterfall kept looming over me like a giant warning sign. After dinner, we walked up to the falls, where the air was ten degrees cooler and smelled of ozone. I shivered remembering Gray standing at the crest last year, me standing on the rocks below calling out to him, begging him not to jump. He had been so haunted by his past, and I had tried my hardest to heal his wounds and make him feel worthy and complete. And now he had returned the favor by coming back and promising to stay.
So why did I feel so conflicted? Maybe it was because in choosing to stay with me, Gray was relinquishing his dream of joining the Coast Guard. The instructors at “A” School would be expecting him in North Carolina on Wednesday morning, but he would never arrive. He hadn’t even called to tell them he wasn’t coming, which perhaps spoke of some ambivalence on his part.
The events of the past few weeks had been such a whirlwind that we hadn’t really paused to think things through, hadn’t discussed what his decision might mean for our future. Maybe that was why the future seemed so vague in my mind. I wanted to talk about it now, but we were deaf to anything but the roar of turbines and falling water.
Once the sun began to set, it got cold very quickly, so we went to check into the hotel. The lobby was brightly lit and furnished with antique sofas and chairs, expensive-looking art lining the walls.
The clerk at the front desk eyed us suspiciously as Gray handed over his credit card. I felt like a fraud—far too young and inexperienced to be staying at a hotel with my boyfriend. But Gray just smiled and grabbed my hand as we took the elevator to the top floor.
He had splurged on a honeymoon suite overlooking the falls, and I gasped when I saw the spacious room, the lavish furnishings, and the king-sized bed, perched on a six-inch platform so it hovered over the pale blue carpeting like a giant ark.
I couldn’t remember ever feeling so nervous. But then Gray started kissing me—a slow graze along my neck—and my mind went numb. I wanted to slow down, to make us come back to earth, but at that moment with Gray’s mouth on my ear, I forgot everything.
His hands roamed down my sides, clutching my waist and nearly lifting me off my feet. That’s how I felt . . . both weightless and out of control. He picked me up and carried me to the bed, setting me down gently in a pile of down-filled pillows and comforter.
It was like a scene from a movie. And yet, I felt removed from the moment, like I was watching it from the outside. I was pretty sure this wasn’t how I was supposed to feel. I was supposed to be swept away by emotions and lust.
“Gray,” I said as he lay down on top of me. I shimmied backward, so I was sitting up against the pillows.
“What is it?” he said, looking concerned. He moved to sit next to me, so we were both leaning against the headboard. How could I tell Gray that I felt like I was suffocating? That as much as I loved him, I didn’t want to go through with this?
“I don’t think I can do this,” I said.
He grabbed my hands and drew them into his chest. “Is it something I did?”
“No, no, it’s just . . . I’m not ready.”
His arm came around me then, and I leaned into the protective warmth of his chest. “Emma, you know I don’t care about sex. Well, that’s not entirely true,” he said, biting his cheek in this adorable way. “Of course I want to have sex with you, but it’s only because I want us to be as close as we can. I want to feel as connected to you as possible.”
“I know what you mean,” I said. “But sex just makes everything more complicated. And we’ve been kind of overdosing on complicated lately.”
He didn’t say anything, just looked at me curiously. “It’s strange,” he said. “Even though I’m with you right now, I’m still afraid of losing you. Why is that?”
It was like he knew what I was about to say.
Getting up from the bed, I walked to the window and opened the curtains so I could see the view. The falls were one of Gray’s favorite places. He told me once that the reason he loved them so much was that he couldn’t think amid all that noise and tumult. He could exist only in the moment.
But for some reason, I couldn’t.
It was Saturday night. “A” School began on Wednesday. If Gray had any hope of continuing with the Coast Guard and not losing all he’d worked so hard for, he would have to leave for North Carolina tomorrow. Monday at the latest.
This meant doing something almost inconceivable: I had to tell Gray to leave.
Was I crazy? Gray had finally admitted he loved me and agreed to give up everything for me. If I followed through with my decision, it would mean another year of loneliness and the chance that Gray might never return.
But I also knew I could never forgive myself if I let Gray walk away from his dream.
“Gray, why did you join the Coast Guard?” I asked.
“What kind of question is that?” he said.
“Just humor me, will you?”
He sighed and came to stand behind me by the window, placing his hands on my shoulders. “You know why.”
“I want to hear you tell me.”
“Because I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to help people.”
“And has that changed?” I said, turning to face him.
“No, it’s just . . . I can help people in other ways. I don’t have to put my life at risk. Now that I have something to live for, I don’t want to lose it.” I faltered then, placing my hand on his temple and caressing his face. I didn’t want to lose him either. “I had this dream last night,” he said. “You and I were going to run away together. But then suddenly, this man was pulling me away from you. And I was suddenly standing on top of some kind of platform, and I looked down and there was only water as far as the eye could see. I knew that if I jumped in, I was going to die. But somehow I knew I had to jump anyway.”
“Oh God, Gray,” I said, feeling a shiver. “I had a similar dream.”
I didn’t know by what mechanism we were able to meet in our dreams or call out to each other in the darkness. But I knew that we didn’t need to have sex to feel close, just as we didn’t need to give up everything else to be connected. Our connection went far deeper than that. “You’re scared to leave. Because it’s real now. I’m scared, too. But we can’t run away from the future. It’s going to come all the same. We can either hide from it or face it. And I know you’re not one for running away from anything. You’re a fighter.”
“Why are you telling me this?” he said.
“Because you have to go back.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I know we decided you would stay, but we weren’t thinking clearly. You can’t give up now after everything you’ve worked for.”
“Emma, you don’t know what’s best for me,” he said. “I tried to make that decision for you once, and look where that got us.”
“It’s not just you I’m thinking about,” I said. “It’s me too.” His face looked stricken. “I’ve got important decisions to make, decisions about my future, and I’m afraid if you stay, I won’t be able to see anything but you. I want you in my future, but you can’t
be
my future. I need to stand on my own, too.”
He swallowed and looked down at the floor. “Emma, I’ve never wanted to get in the way of your future.”
“I know that, but I lost too much of this year waiting for you to come back to me, missing you. I didn’t really live. And I need to live right now.”
His face looked crushed, but I could see something else in his eyes—relief maybe. Some deep part of him knew I was right.
Finally, in a voice so sad and quiet it nearly tore me apart, he said, “I was going to ask you this at prom, but it looks like I won’t get my chance.” He pulled something out of his jeans pocket. “Would you please wear my necklace again? If I’m going away, I want you to have this with you.”
“Of course,” I said. I leaned in and kissed him, so grateful that he understood, that we had finally turned to the same page of our story. “Will you?” I said, turning around so he could fasten the necklace for me.
He gently pushed my hair aside and secured the chain around my neck. I stood silently for several seconds until his hands rested on my shoulders and he kissed the back of my neck.
“Why are you so smart?” he said.
“Years of tortured introspection.”
He laughed, and the sullen mood lifted.
Since the pressure to have sex was off now, we moved back to the bed and stayed up eating ten-dollar candy bars from the mini-fridge and watching
The Powerpuff Girls
on the Cartoon Network. Eventually, we fell asleep curled in each other’s arms.
And the next day, Gray drove me back to Lockwood, where we stood beside his Jeep saying good-bye for what seemed like days but could not have been, since the next day he was gone.
The only thing that kept me going during those last few weeks of the school year was the distraction of AP exams. I knew that if I didn’t do well, my entire academic year would have been a complete waste. So I buckled down and reread books and studied my notes until my vision blurred.
I almost laughed when I saw the question for the open-ended essay on the English exam: “Choose a character from literature who demonstrates how exile or exclusion can be an enriching or enlightening experience.”
I knew exactly which character I was going to write about. Hester Prynne was the ultimate outcast and the fiercest heroine I knew. I even wove in a quote I’d memorized:
The scarlet letter was her passport into regions where other women dared not to tread. Shame, Despair, Solitude! These had been her teachers . . . and they had made her strong.
The Scarlet Letter
had been my passport, too.
I saw now that we were all exiled at one point or another, cast aside for our beliefs, our actions, or even something beyond our control. And when we were isolated, we had to learn to tread water on our own. But we didn’t have to remain alone forever. Self-reliance was only good if it made us strong enough to help each other.
In the weeks leading up to our prom, I continued to help with preparations even though I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to go. The thought of attending without a date seemed too depressing. But I faithfully took carloads of decorations and other supplies to the Depot in my Volvo, draped violet gossamer fabric on the walls, hung glittering stars from the ceiling until an old warehouse slowly began to transform into a celestial wonderland.
Since Gray’s mom had agreed to provide the food, I arranged to pick up the trays at their house that Friday afternoon. Simona gave me a rib-crushing hug and chatted with me about school and gossip. It was clear she had no idea how close her son had come to giving up everything for me.
“So who’s taking you to prom?” she asked.
“I’m not going,” I said.
“But you have to!”
I wasn’t sure how much Gray had told her, so I just said, “I don’t have a date.”
“It doesn’t matter,” she said. “In my day, girls who didn’t have dates went stag. There was always someone to dance with.”
“I’m just not sure I’m up for it,” I said.
“It’s a shame Gray didn’t have a longer leave. He could have taken you.”
“Yeah, it is a shame,” I said, trying not to tear up.
After packing my car up with the trays, I thanked Simona for all she had done. “Of course, Emma,” she said. “You know you’re like family to us. In fact, I have something for you.”
She went back inside the house and came out with a large plastic clamshell box. “Here,” she said. “With your mother not around, I didn’t want you to go to prom without one. I couldn’t resist.”
I opened the lid to reveal a gorgeous wrist corsage, an immense red rose surrounded by greenery. “Oh, Simona, it’s beautiful. But—”
“In case you change your mind,” she said, gripping both my hands in hers. “Please go to your prom, Emma. If you don’t, you might regret it.”
Perhaps Simona knew more than she let on. I took the corsage out of the box and slid it over my wrist. The flower looked bold and fearless—a wonder of nature. “Thank you,” I said.
I knew this rose would wither and fade, like all flowers must, but I also knew that some relationships overcame the odds, withstood the ravages of time and distance. Some loves were eternal.
C
HAPTER
27
A
ll the way to the Depot, I thought about prom, making excuses about how I didn’t have a dress and didn’t have a date. But I’d just lectured Gray about the need to stand on my own, and now during my first real test, I was going to take the easy way out by staying home? Pathetic.
I double-parked by the train station and ran the trays up to the Depot kitchen, placing them in the large walk-in refrigerator. As I was heading out, I ran into a few of our prom recruits, who had taken charge of the decorations. One of them was Sophie, valedictorian of the senior class.