18 Thoughts (My So-Called Afterlife Book 3) (31 page)

“You can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.”
—Nate’s Thoughts

fter school the next day, I shuffled slowly through the hospital entrance, down the corridors, even taking the stairs to the third floor instead of the elevator, trying to think of the right words to say.

The waiting room stood empty, the secretary gone from her desk. I assumed Valentine’s Day wouldn’t be a busy day for counseling, and it looked like I was right. So I let myself in the first door and walked down the small hallway leading to Dr. Judy’s office. Today I came alone. Actually, I hadn’t even gotten the chance to tell Nate about Grace. He sent me a text in the morning saying he wouldn’t be at school, that he was on his way back to his hometown to visit Bo’s grave. It was something he wanted to do before his eighteenth birthday tomorrow, to help him move on with his life. Now he was too far away to hear my thoughts, and I didn’t think it fair of me to burden him with more stuff. I could wait to tell him when he got back.

Just when I was about to knock on Dr. Judy’s door, I heard a male’s voice inside.

“Ash and I appreciate you volunteering to come back to help with this, Judy, but I think you should leave. We’ll find a replacement for your position here.”

“Are you firing me, Riel?” Dr. Judy’s voice was pinched tight.

“You know we have to be careful about interfering in their lives. Besides, she doesn’t trust you anymore.”

My heart sped up. Riel, my angel boss, was here! And he sounded exasperated.

I pressed my ear to the door.

“She wants answers. Can you blame her?” I heard Dr. Judy say.

“What do you suggest I do?”

“Show her your angel wings. She’ll trust that.”

Angels really have wings?
Suddenly, my heart flipped at a memory of flying with him and loving it. Was that where my newfound love of adventure had come from?

I heard Riel exhale dramatically. “Maybe I should just alleviate Conner. Never liked him in the first place.”

Gah! What?
I whipped out my cell phone, ready to dial 9-1-1, when I realized how ridiculous my story would sound.

“Riel, be serious. You know what that did to Olga the last time.”

My mind flashed to the autopsy reports, and I clutched the cross around my neck.

After a popping noise, I heard his voice again. “Look, I’ll have a guardian keep close tabs on her and Nate to report any suspicious activity back to me promptly. All the recon we did New Year’s Day points to Sam as the most likely culprit possessing Conner. So assuming it is Sam, how much time do you think he’s spent ruling Conner?”

“By my estimates, close to twenty-four weeks altogether over the course of the past eight months. You know that only gives us about two weeks to work with. If Sam is able to hold on for more than half a year within the first 365 days, then Conner could be lost for good, and we can’t allow that to happen.”

Every muscle in my body tightened, my breath bursting in and out.
Okay, calm down, Olga. Calm down. Be patient.

“Time is running out then, but we’re bound to spiritual law. We can’t
tell
her.” His voice dripped emotion I didn’t understand.

“I know. At least she believes in angels and demons now, so there’s a possibility her spirit will be awakened to the spiritual plane unseen by most.”

“Let’s hope so,” he answered quietly. “I’ll be in touch soon. In the meantime, you’ll need to report to headquarters for a new assignment tomorrow morning.”

I gulped, not wanting to be caught in my first act as a spy. Squatting, I hid myself behind a water cooler. Not the best concealment, but the quickest solution. But even though I didn’t hear the male’s voice anymore, he never left the room.

Of all the reasons I could think of for how he performed this disappearing act, the only one that made sense was the most unbelievable of all.

An angel had been in Dr. Judy’s office, and he just disapparated to his headquarters in the Underworld, a place where I used to work with Nate.

Holy headlines, Batman!

Maybe the thought of an angel meddling in my affairs should’ve brought me some comfort, but I froze, horrified. The three of us, Conner, Nate, and me, were at the center of much bigger events than I ever suspected. Events I didn’t think we had any hope of controlling. I sucked in deep breaths, still squatting against the wall with my head in my shaking hands, trying hard not to faint. Grabbing a tiny cup, I stood, then pushed the blue button on the cooler, not caring if anyone heard me. I needed water, needed to curb the nausea overwhelming me. In a daze, I drifted out of the office, forgetting about Grace and why I came in the first place. It wasn’t like Dr. Judy ever gave me the answers I wanted anyway. And I’d already heard the awful truth: they wanted me to remember, but they couldn’t help me do it. I was on my own.

“People are like stained glass windows;
they sparkle and shine when the sun is out,
but when the darkness sets in,
their true identity is revealed only if there is light within.”
—Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

slipped on my knee-length red strapless dress, then paired it with a white sweater and pumps. Dresses weren’t my thing, but I figured Nate’s birthday deserved an exception. I sat down in front of the mirror and combed my hair, giving myself a chance to unwind for a few moments, to think back on everything I overheard in Dr. Judy’s office yesterday. Keeping my thoughts to myself about my spy work would be difficult tonight, but I wanted Nate to enjoy his eighteenth birthday, so I was waiting until the end of our date to tell him what I learned. Needless to say, I was extremely grateful for the distraction of celebrating his birthday when he returned to school today. Plus, the trip back to his hometown had been emotionally draining on him. I think his own thoughts occupied his mind so much today that he didn’t pay attention to mine.

Nate reading my mind had to be connected to all this. Should we keep investigating or just wait it out? Truthfully, I wanted to give up because my body trembled at the thought of what I could find if I awakened myself to this so-called spiritual plane. But I also couldn’t forget about my best friend. I also had to think of Nate and tread lightly. We were together now. But even if Nate had stolen my heart, I still owed Conner my loyalty. Choosing one over the other proved impossible. Even here, about to go on a Valentine’s date with my first boyfriend, when I should feel elated about not being alone, I felt guilty, like I’d abandoned Conner. Looking in the mirror, with all my red hair down and lips painted hot pink, I looked wild. At least my look matched exactly how I felt inside.

When I came out a few minutes later, I found Nate debating theories on the afterlife with Dad, apparently because of some religious special report playing on the news before a commercial break. I took the opportunity to drink in the sight of Nate. He looked sleek in charcoal-colored suit pants with a matching tie and a white button-down shirt, his black leather jacket channeling a young-looking Tom Cruise. I wasn’t in the mood for a deep convo, especially about the afterlife. For once, I was in the mood for romance, so I quickly whisked Nate away.

With a warm smile, Nate helped me into Dad’s truck, then climbed into the passenger’s side. I took a minute to adjust the seat and mirrors before backing out of the garage. “So, where am I taking us for our first Valentine’s Day/birthday celebration?”

“Don’t forget we’re celebrating your early admission to UM, too.” Nate reached over, brushing my hair from my face. “Head toward the waterfront downtown. And don’t forget, you promised me you’d have fun tonight. And it’s my birthday, so you have to give me what I want.”

“What do you want, exactly?” I tried to make my voice sound sexy, but instead my words came out unsteady.

Nate chuckled. “Oh, I’ll get what I really, really want later. I’m a man now, so you can take full advantage of me.”

My smile tightened into a hard line. “Turning eighteen doesn’t make you a man.”

“To the law it does. But according to my levels of extreme masculinity, I’m actually twenty-two.” He flipped through the radio stations until he landed on “Can’t Hold Us” by Macklemore, and he sang along to the chorus about this being our moment while banging on the roof of the cab.

I rolled my eyes. “Why twenty-two? Why not twenty-eight or forty-seven?”

He shrugged. “Twenty-two is the age I picture getting married. You know, once I’m out of college. But I’m so in love with you, I feel like I could marry you tonight.”

I looked out the windshield, surveying the town as I tried to process his comment. The moonlight streaked across the sky, transforming the ground into snow-crusted treasure. “Twenty-two is still really young to get married.”

“You think so?”

My breath hitched in my throat as I thought about it, about marrying him. I knew I could one day, knew he would do anything for me. He’d sacrificed so much for me already. But was sacrifice love? I’d been in love before, but my feelings for Conner felt so different. I didn’t ever feel like Conner needed me, but Nate did. Was that a good thing? I guessed it was good to need the ones we loved, but I also thought about what it could do to you if your whole existence was wrapped inside one person. Thinking about my accidental suicide after Conner’s death, I shuddered. I had so many more reasons to live now. So many possibilities I found myself imagining. But doing big things didn’t mean I needed to let Nate go, did it? I didn’t even want to entertain the thought, especially when he was close enough to listen.