18 Thoughts (My So-Called Afterlife Book 3) (6 page)

This thought should’ve creeped me out, but it didn’t, and that’s what scared me most of all.

“It isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others;
sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.”
—Nate’s Thoughts

he next four weeks flew by in a blur. Nothing new happened. School ended, my finals aced. The usual summer tourists flocked to the Bookman, so my work schedule increased from twenty to forty hours a week. I checked in on Conner, and Nate, every day. But there still hadn’t been any change in Conner’s condition, and his parents or Nate’s parents were always there when I visited, so Nate and I didn’t talk much. I figured that didn’t matter, since he knew all my thoughts anyway. He tried calling and texting me a few times, but I hadn’t answered. The whole idea of wanting to flirt with him confused me, and I didn’t need any more complications in my life right now.

So when I finished vacuuming the store at quarter till closing time on Wednesday night and felt a tap on my shoulder, I then yelped in surprise when I saw Nate staring back at me.

“What are you doing here?”

“Med Team Nate said I was finally free to go home, so, naturally, I came straight to you.”

I looked him over from head to toe. He wore jeans sporting holes in the knees and a Batman T-shirt fraying at the hem. Aside from a bandage on the left top corner of his forehead and a cast on his left arm, he looked completely fine.

“Thanks. So how’s it going?” he asked with more enthusiasm than a normal guy who barely knew me should. No doubt he heard my thought about him looking fine, thanks to the supernatural ability God seemed to have gifted him with. And I did think he looked fine, in more ways than one.

I scoffed. “Like you don’t know!”

“So I have a gift, eh?”

A smile crept across my face, despite my efforts to keep the gesture hidden.

Mrs. Moreno, Nic’s mom, cleared her throat as she dusted the shelves nearby.

“Um, listen, we’re kind of trying to close up the store. So unless you intend to buy something, do you mind waiting for me outside?”

“As a matter of fact, I did come here for something.” He leaned in and gave me a quick peck on the cheek, then headed toward the children’s literature section with a crooked gait.

Both his kiss and his walk were awkward, but at least the latter had a reason for it. I couldn’t think of a good one for why he kissed me.

“Because I wanted to,” he called across the store.

Wrapping the cord around the handle of the vacuum, I blushed as I passed Nic washing the windows.

She eyed me suspiciously and whispered, “You’re totally crushing on jerkface!”

“What? I am not. I love Conner.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t like somebody else.”

“Will you please shut up? He can hear my thoughts!”

I rushed back to the storage room and thought about hiding out until eight o’clock, but I didn’t want to get on Mrs. Moreno’s bad side. Instead, I headed to the front desk and waited for Nate so I could close out the cash register. A minute later, he limped toward me with an armful of picture books.

Cringing at the sight of him straining to carry all the books under one arm, I rushed over to help. “What have we got here?”

“Pop-ups are my favorite, but you’re running low on those, so I had to compromise.”

I laughed while I started ringing up the books. “I’ll make a mental note to order more now that you live here. Not what I pictured you reading, though.”

“What did you picture?”

“Oh, I don’t know, perhaps something from our romance department with a bodice-ripping cover.”

He snorted. “Oh great. So your first impression of me is I’m some bimbo not capable of understanding a complex sentence or being able to string more than three words together without giggling?”

I faux laughed. “Looks like you have a perfect memory, too. Seriously, who are these books for? Oh, and your total is seventy-four dollars and twenty-three cents.”

He took a wad of four twenties out of his pocket. “I thought I’d buy some books to keep at the hospital for the kids.”

Aww, he’s buying books for sick kids? That’s pretty sweet.

Nate shrugged. “I noticed some of the books in the playroom were outdated. These looked good. You guys definitely need to stock up on your pop-ups and comic books, though.”

“Duly noted.” I smiled at him despite the nervousness that came from being around him.

He smiled back, looking happy and also like he had smiled at me from the other side of this counter many times before. Again, I couldn’t say why.

“Olga, you can take off a few minutes early to go out with your new friend if you want,” Mrs. Moreno said from behind me.

Oh, great job, Mrs. M. Throw me to the wolf like a piece of meat!

But Nate’s smile was as big as the state of Texas. I couldn’t deny him anything with a grin like that, especially after buying all those books for sick kids.

“Okay, thanks.” I turned back to Nate. “Just let me grab my purse from the back room.”

The floors creaked behind me, part of the store’s charm in my opinion, and I knew Nic was following me.

“Do you need me to come with you as backup, or do you trust this guy?” she asked as I retrieved my bag from an empty drawer in a filing cabinet and slipped on my hoodie.

“Naw, I’m good.”

“Okay, just call or text me as soon as you’re home to fill me in on all the juicy details.”

“This isn’t a date. I’ll probably just hang out at the boardwalk with him for an hour, and that’ll be the end of it, so don’t get your hopes up.”

She narrowed her honey-brown eyes at me. “Whatever you say. Just call me.”

I waited while Nate finished some small talk with Mrs. Moreno about the area beaches, restaurants, and such. Nic followed us to the front door to lock up, and as she did, she grabbed my arm just before I stepped out.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” she whispered in my ear.

What’s wrong with her? We were
not
going on a date.

Then she peered around me. “Nice meeting you, jerkface. Treat my girl right.”

“Oh, you don’t have to worry about that, Nicole.” He put his arm around my waist as she shut the door with a wink. “So, where are you taking me for our first official date?”

I smiled. “Not a date. But if you’re okay to walk a little bit, we can catch the world’s largest musical fountain show at the boardwalk. It’s about a half mile’s walk from here, or did you drive?”

“I had my parents drop me off. They can pick us up when we’re done, too.”

“The way you drop money on books, I figured you’d have a sweet ride of your own.”

“Well, my dad let me use his car until I totaled it last month. I lost my license for a year because of the accident, too. Hang on a sec; they’re waiting in my mom’s car. I’ll give them these books and tell them to pick us up in two hours. That’s all the time they’ll give me.”

Slowly, he made his way over to a BMW.
Yep, rich.
He rested the weight of his body against the vehicle as he spoke to his parents, the passenger side door open. His mom handed him a pill and water, and he took a few swigs from the bottle before handing it back to her. I watched as his mom made him put on a black sweater over his T-shirt. After a minute, he checked his reflection in the window and limped back to me, his parents beeping once as they drove away.

I bit my lip as we started our walk. “Are you sure you’re up for this type of exercise?”

“Olga, I’ve been cooped up in the hospital for a month. The fresh air is nice, as long as you don’t mind walking very slowly with me.”

“Don’t mind at all. Will give me a chance to get to know you better, since you already know so much more about me with your unfair mind-reading advantage.”

“Sorry, but life isn’t fair, right?”

Every hair on my body stood on end with the truth of his statement. “I’m sorry about my flippant remark earlier. I should’ve thought about the whole driving thing before I asked.” The electricity from being so close to him reminded me of the charge I felt before lightning struck Conner, and I tried to shake it off. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Nate shook his head. “Why? Talking about it won’t change the fact that Bo died.”

“I know, but I thought God brought us together for that purpose, remember? So we don’t feel so alone all the time.” Although, I’d done a crappy job of being there for him the past month.

Neither one of us said a word for a few moments.

“I guess,” he said finally.

“In case nobody has told you this yet,” I said quietly, trying to sound reassuring, “what happened was an accident. That means it wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t drag race by yourself.”

He looked over at me, his watery eyes meeting mine. “That’s just it, though. He never would’ve drag raced if I didn’t start the whole stupid thing. Bo should’ve been the one who got to live, not me.”

“Maybe you’re right. But the bottom line is you’re here. That must mean something.” I picked a piece of lint off my hoodie.

Sighing, he scrubbed a hand over his face. “What does it mean exactly?”

“That the universe isn’t through with you yet. Maybe God has a bigger plan for your life than he did for Bo’s.”

He looked down, kicking a rock off the sidewalk with his good leg. “I know. But I keep thinking about Bo’s parents, his siblings, his friends, his girlfriend. How much they miss him. I barely knew him, and I miss him. Then I feel even guiltier because now I’m glad I’m not there, in the same town, where they’d all be looking at me with their sad faces.”

“You think they blame you for the accident?”

“I don’t know. I never saw them. Only the police visited me in the hospital during their investigation, issued me some hefty tickets. They held his funeral on my last day in town, but my doctor there wouldn’t release me for it. Again, I felt guilty for having the excuse. But it doesn’t matter if they blame me or not; I do enough blaming for all of us. My guilt is the one thing I have left to hold on to in this world.”

Placing my hand in his, I said, “Not anymore.”

He gave me a small smile. “Thanks.”

“So, what’s next? I mean, you’re out of the hospital and that’s good, but I imagine you’re still hurting pretty badly.”

“Yeah, I’ll need physical and occupational therapy for the rest of the summer. A lady will come to my house for that part.”

I tilted my head to the side, trying to offer some words of sympathy. “I guess you’re lucky to have the summer off to heal at least. When do you get the cast off your arm?”

He shrugged. “Not sure. Could be another three weeks or a total of three months. There will be plenty of doctor appointments and specialists to visit as we figure out stuff. Plus, my mom is forcing me into counseling with some lady named Dr. Judy at the hospital, since I refuse to talk to my parents about the accident.”

My mouth fell open. “You’re kidding? My mom has been trying to get me to see her for months now.”

“You haven’t gone, though?”

I rubbed my eyes, then adjusted my glasses. “No thank you. I don’t feel like rehashing the details of the worst day of my life.”

He nodded. “Right? My parents and I will already be dragged through months of lawyers, courts, and mediation meetings, going over every single detail of the accident repeatedly. I’ve been holed up in the hospital for a month already, ready to climb the walls. My mom says I’m suffering from emotionally regressive behavior, though, so she won’t take no for an answer with the counseling thing.”