3 Breaths (11 page)

“I don’t know. You’re the one ordering me around like you own me.”

“I just want what’s best for you.”

“Then why did you push me away last week when it wasn’t good for either one of us?”

“I thought it
was
for the best. You deserve a guy that can give you the world. That guy’s not me; trust me, I wish it was.” She blinks a few times, hurt by my words. “I’m sorry, I’m only trying to be honest.”

“I know you are and I don’t mean to push things, but I feel differently. Losing Zoë brought us together and I believe for a reason. It’s her pushing us towards one another. I want to see where this could go, what we could be together.”

“Ivy, I want that too, more than I think you know. But I also can’t risk ruining our friendship over it. You mean too much to me. When I’m not with you, I’m fucking lost. I don’t like the person I become.”

“Krane, nothing will ruin our friendship. That’s the basis of who we are together.”

Taking my hand, I run it up the middle of her chest, until I am cradling the side of her face. I contemplate kissing her slightly parted lips, but I am reminded of the risks and worry what it’ll do to us. We are both breathing heavily. She smells amazing, driving me mad, and then the oven dings and it jolts me back to reality.

The moment…ruined.

Pressing my lips to her forehead, I let out a deflated breath. Pulling away from her makes my heart hurt, but something inside of me is telling me that it’s the right thing to do. However, Ivy pulls me back to her, holding on to me by the sides of my t-shirt.

Her eyes are pleading me to her lips, and what she wants couldn’t be clearer. “Kiss me,” she whispers.

With trembling hands, I pull her body close to mine. My chest is heaving up and down like I’m about to jump off a building. “Please,” she begs and I move in slowly. Letting this moment burn into my memory forever. The room is spinning as we are grounded in the middle of it. Her warm body feels amazing in my grip.

Closing my eyes, I try to move forwards, but can’t close the distance. I’m not sure what is stopping me, maybe it’s Zoë, even though my mind feels clear of the past right now. But I can’t move. Then she kisses me and the second that our mouths touch, a passion ignites inside of me. I mold my lips around hers, the sensation so good it hurts.

Looping my fingers into the back of her hair, I hold her to me as our tongues intertwine. She tastes of mint mixed with a twist of her scent, and as much as I want to carry her to her bedroom and never stop kissing her, it’s best not to push things. This is a very fine line that we are walking and both of us have to be careful with how we proceed. Because if we did not have each other, I’d be terrified for what the future will hold.

“I seriously cannot believe that you made me watch that movie,” Ivy complains as the credits roll along the screen.

“What do you mean?” I ask, offended that she would even say that.

“Krane, what in the world would make you think that I would like a documentary like that?”

“It’s based on a bestseller,” I argue.

“I don’t care what it is, it sucked,” she states and sits up off of my lap. I don’t like the feeling of not having her close. “Come back.” I pat my legs and she lies back down, picking her messy brown hair up and spanning it over my thighs. I grab the remote and turn the TV off. I need to talk to her about cleaning out the apartment in the city. It’s been eating me up and I have no doubt she can shed some clarity on things.

Running my fingers through her hair, she looks up at me and asks, “What’s the matter?”

“I got a call this morning from the place in New York. The lease is up at the end of the month and they need me to move everything out.”

“Can you sign another lease to give you some time?”

“I could, but the rent is going up almost seven hundred dollars a month and I can barely afford to keep it as it is now, and that’s been with me accepting every fight call that I’ve gotten. If that lets up at all, I’ll lose it.”

“Fuck,” she says.

“I know.”

“So what’s your plan?”

“I don’t know. Thinking about all of our stuff there puts me into a whirlwind of anxiety. I don’t think I can do it, Ivy.”

“Don’t say things like that, Krane. You can do anything. You have to. I’ll help too.”

“I don’t want to put that burden on you.”

“It’s not a burden. Zoë would do it for me in a heartbeat. We both need to live more like her. I’ve been trying, that’s why losing my job hasn’t bothered me so much. Zoë lived believing that everything happens for a reason, and we will be better off if we live that way as well. I’m sure my mom would be happy to come and help too.”

“Ivy, your mom fucking hates me.”

“No, she doesn’t.”

I roll my eyes at her, knowing what’s true. Her mom, Brenda, holds me responsible for Zoë’s death. She might not come out and say it, but she does. I can’t blame her though; if it were my daughter, I’d put the fault on someone else too.

“You can ask her if you want, but I don’t think she’ll come.”

“She will. What are you planning to do with all of her stuff?”

Running my hands over my face, I get a flashback of Zoë in our apartment, painting; she loved it there. It was always her dream to move to the city, and when we did, her life was complete. “I’m not sure.” I shake my head answering and move a little in my seat, but still keep her head on my lap. “I was hoping you could help me decide.”

“What if we hire someone to box everything up and put it in storage?” she asks.

“I thought of that, but it’ll just be a band-aid to the problem. Eventually, I’m going to have to face things.”

Ivy sits up and kneels next to me. I look at the empty indentation in my lap again and she tilts my chin towards her. “We’ll go through her things one at a time, together, just you and I, then my mom can come help, okay?” I’m not sure how she is as strong as she is. I nod, wanting her plan to be as easy as she makes it sound. But know having to actually do it is a whole other thing.

Ivy crawls on top of my lap and wraps me in her arms. I hold her, the closeness settling me, and I wonder how she can calm me the way she does. She makes everything so much better. All of the bad shit is gone and it’s just her and I.

I yawn and it signals that I need to get home. It’s been a long day, after an even longer weekend. “I’m gonna get going.”

“Why?” she asks, confused.

“’Cause it’s late and I am tired as hell. I need to get some sleep.” She nods quickly, like I’ve caught her off guard. “So do you.”

“I know. I just like having you here, that’s all. You can stay the night, if you want.”

I think about her suggestion and don’t know if I can handle sleeping in the same house as her. My cock is already on edge from touching and kissing her. It’ll probably come if she looks in its direction again. “Stay,” she whispers, kissing my neck and along my jaw. Being like this with her is something that I am not used to. And guilt still surges in me, insisting that I must be betraying Zoë with every touch. But Zoë is gone, and Ivy is right –she would want me to find a way to carry her love and our memories with me as I move forward into who I’m meant to be. And I love the feelings Ivy gives me.

God, give me the strength to sleep tonight and not fuck the shit out of her all night long.

“Okay, you talked me into it.” And I’m instantly rewarded with her lips. The affection sends a wake up call to my dick. I battle in my mind to keep it tamed, but as she squirms on top of me, moving her pussy all over me, it’s too late.

I’ve fought my feelings for her for long enough. We are together right now for a reason and clearly nothing can change that. But I also fear doing more than this will ruin our friendship. “Stop,” I plead as she continues to kiss me.

“Why?”

“Because, I—”

“Doing this won’t change things, I promise.” She reads my mind as she looks me in the eye, and as much as my body is telling me to fuck her over and over again, my brain is screaming at me not to. Her warmth on top of me is something that I need right now, but not at the risk of losing her.

I can see the pain in Ivy’s face as she lies next to me. It kills me that I did this to her, but something wouldn’t let me move forward last night and love her the way that she deserves. Staring up at the stark white ceiling, I wonder if we had fucked, would things be just as awkward?

Scooting closer to Ivy, I pull her body against mine, but she stiffens—the affection from yesterday has vanished. Like everything else in my life, I’ve fucked this up too. “I’m sorry,” I tell her, like an apology is really going to make a difference. It’s a little too late for that now.

“Me too,” she says.

Holding her in my arms feels so right; that’s how I know that I did what I had to. I need her, this connection. I can’t be without it.

“Is it because I’m not Zoë?” she asks me. Her question immediately catches me off guard.

What the fuck is going through her mind?

“God, no, Ivy. Why would you ask me that?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

Letting out a deep sigh, I contemplate how to answer this. “In a way, it is because you aren’t her. You’re the exact opposite. Yes, we’ve bonded over losing her, but when I am with you, it’s one of the only times that my mind is completely clear of the turmoil that I have faced. I don’t want to lose that. This last week apart was horrible. I drank worse than I ever have and I wasn’t myself. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in life, especially since I lost Zoë and I’m scared that if we push things too fast and do something that neither of us can take back or one of us regrets, it’ll be our demise. Then, I don’t know what I’ll do.”

“So is that what sleeping with me will be, just a regret?”

Flipping her onto her back, I cradle her face gently in my palms. “A regret is the last thing in this world that you are. You’re the only bit of light that I have left.”

Scrunching my eyebrows together, I lean down and crash my lips against hers. She accepts my kisses, and yet again the closeness puts my body into overdrive. Everything that has been asleep for so long awakens, Ivy stimulates me on a different level than anyone else. The thought of being with her for the first time has my heart pounding, and I actually feel safe letting my guard down. Reaching under her t-shirt I slide my hand up her hot body and grip hard on her tit, causing her to cry out. She parts her legs and I scoot on top of her. Our tongues are a jumbled mess. Mixing and weaving together, every stroke sends a jolt of ecstasy to the tip of my dick.

Our bodies line up and I push my hard dick against her. Her wet panties make my cock drip for her. “Is this what you want?” I ask ripping the covers off the bed and looking down at us.

“Yes.”

I push her shirt up, letting her flawless tits free, admiring their beauty. Then as I take my lips and wrap them around one of her nipples, she runs her fingernails up my back and I slow down, taking my time teasing her. If we are going to do this, we’re doing it my way. She moans again and I tell her, “Let me hear what I do to you.”

She whines louder and I pull away, bracing my weight above her. My cock is throbbing for her and I press the head of my shaft against her. “Tell me you want me.”

“I want you!”

God, she turns me on.

Even with some clothing separating us, I know being inside of her will be the best feeling in the entire world. Grinding my dick along her clit I say, “Tell me nothing will change.”

“You know it won’t.”

“Tell me!” I growl.

“Nothing will change, Krane.”

Moving my body next to hers, I kiss her neck and snake my hand inside of her panties.

Christ, she’s fucking wet.

Her smooth pussy excites me. Needing to see it, I remove her underwear and stare down at her soft, white skin. Running my eyes up her body, her t-shirt is pulled above her tits and from there down she is bare. Running my thumb back and forth over her clit, she keeps her eyes on me. Trailing them all over my tattooed body.

She runs a hand down my side and tugs on my boxers. “Take these off.”

I don’t like letting go of her, but freeing my cock is invigorating. Sitting up she grabs my dick, stroking it, and by the way she touches me I know this will be an incredible orgasm. I watch her eyes as her lips mold around the end of my shaft and then slowly descend down it. Being in this moment with Ivy makes everything worth it.