31 Days of Winter (16 page)

‘Ellie,’ he called after me, but I started
walking. I heard the car door slam behind me. ‘Ellie, stop.’

‘No,’ I yelled without looking back, but I was no
match for his long legged strides. He caught up with me in seconds and swung me
around by the shoulders and I shoved his chest to push him back, but he didn’t
even wobble. I beat my fists on him in frustration and he didn’t even flinch. ‘
You
can’t keep doing this to
me.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘No you’re not, you keep getting what you want,
you keep kissing me, teasing me and then pulling away.’ I turned to walk off,
the fire inside me was physically painful. I didn’t know if it was lust, pain,
confusion or a combination of all three, all I knew was I was really hurting,
but he yanked me back, spun me around and gripped me tightly to him as I
writhed in his grasp trying to escape.

‘Stop struggling woman,’ he ordered.

‘Please let me go.’

‘Not until you calm down. Where were you going
anyway?’

‘I don’t know, anywhere that’s away from
you
.’
I sighed as I realised he wasn’t going to let me go and I buried my face in his
jacket so I wouldn’t have to look at him. I felt one of his hands gently cup
the back of my head, holding me onto him. ‘Why are you tormenting me, Dan?’

‘Tormenting you?’ he gasped, as if he were
oblivious.

‘Yes! Tormenting me. You know that I like you, I
really
like you. You told me that you couldn’t be with me and I accepted that, but
then you keep throwing me mixed signals, kissing me, smelling my hair, or
touching my cheek. How would you feel if I kept doing that to you and then
pushing you away?’

‘I’d hate it,’ he answered quietly.

‘So why do you do it? Is it just that you’re
desperate after so long without sex, without any human contact that you’re just
thinking of yourself and you don’t care if you hurt me?’

‘Ellie, if it was just about me sowing my oats I’d
have carried you up to bed that first night, and ripped you in half as I thrust
into you, but that’s not what this is.’

‘Then what
is
this, Dan? Because right now
I don’t know.’

‘It’s about my uncontrollable attraction to you
Ellie and I’m sorry that I’m so weak, that I keep acting on my desire for you,
when I shouldn’t, when I can’t.’

‘But you keep doing it, then you say that it can’t
happen and never give me a reason.’

‘I can’t,’ he whispered. ‘You’d hate me and I
don’t want you to hate me.’

‘You keep teasing me, pulling on my strings and
then pushing me away and I’ll end up hating you anyway.’

‘I don’t know how to do this,’ he sighed.

‘I think you take me to the airport and I go
home.’

‘No,’ he bit quickly and squashed me tighter
against his body.

‘I can’t stay here if you’re going to keep playing
with my emotions, not after everything I’ve just been through, I don’t need
that in my life.’

‘I know you don’t, so we go back to our original
plan. I stay away from you unless there’s an emergency.’

‘I don’t want you to stay away from me, I like
having you around.’

‘I like being around,’ he whispered.

‘I just don’t want you coming onto me if you’re
not going to follow through. Did I really just say “follow through?” God,
what’s wrong with me? Every time I say something around you it sounds totally
wrong.’

‘I most definitely don’t want to follow through in
that sense of the word, but I really do want to take things further with you, I
just can’t Ellie,’ he sighed. I really wanted to believe the sincerity in his
voice.

‘Then I’m going to give you one of two options Dan,
and you have to either choose one of them, or I’m catching a flight home
tomorrow.’

‘Tell me then, because I don’t want you to leave.’

‘You tell me why you can’t be with me and let me
make up my own mind as to whether I can handle whatever dark secret it is that
you think will make me run from you screaming as I think that ...’

‘Not going to happen,’ he interrupted firmly.
‘Second option?’

‘If you don’t tell me why you can’t be with me,
you have to promise not to make any more moves on me while I’m here, because
it’s not fair.’

‘But I’m not sure I can make good on that promise,
Ellie,’ he whispered.

‘Well you’ve got until the end of today to decide,
either pick telling me, choosing friends only, or I book my tickets in the
morning.’ I tried to sound like I really meant it, but deep down I knew I
couldn’t carry out the last part of my threat. I had twenty-three and a bit
days left to try and get him to tell me and see if we could be something more,
because God knows I
really
wanted it to be something more. Even more
confusing than his bizarre behaviour was the longing I had for him after such a
short period of time. It wasn’t just sexual. It was an inexplicable attraction
on all levels. I sighed as I felt him kiss the top of my head.

‘I’m not an arsehole like Zac, Ellie. Please don’t
make me become one by tempting me.’

‘You better let me go then as you have half the
Christmas shop to load into the boot.’

‘Why do I get the feeling you’re going to make me
regret this?’

‘You gave me free reign,’ I reminded him.

‘I did, and I need the receipt so I can arrange to
pay you back.’

‘It’s in my bag.’

‘Ok.’

‘You’re still holding me,’ I whispered. I really
didn’t want him to let me go, I felt so comforted in his strong arms, like all
the crap of my life was behind me and he’d make sure that I was looked after.
That was ironic in itself, as in this moment I was sure he was the one person I
knew who could hurt me the most. He sighed and kissed the top of my head again
and let me go.

‘The receipt?’ he held out his hand and I rummaged
in my bag and handed it over.

‘You’re sure you only purchased half the shop?’ he
asked with a raised eyebrow.

‘Sorry, I promise it will look good.’

‘I’ll load up and get you the cash to repay you.’

‘You don’t have to do cash, that will leave you
out of pocket. He can pay me through PayPal or direct transfer.’

‘That would give you his name. I have access to
his funds for anything to do with the house.’

‘Fine,’ I rolled my eyes and started walking to
the shop’s back entrance, needing some distance from him. Something as simple
as him holding me against him left me feeling like we’d just had incredible sex.
He overtook me and opened the door for me.

‘Stay in here while I load it up.’

‘I can help.’

‘I’m fine, stay in the warm please,’ he ordered as
I stepped inside. I watched as my personal shopper came rushing out when she
saw me. She took one look at Dan and tripped over her own feet and would have
gone sprawling to the floor if he hadn’t caught her. I saw her face turn red as
he steadied her and stepped back. Her pupils dilated and her mouth dropped
slightly as she looked up at him and then over at me. I just nodded and
shrugged with a sigh, I knew exactly how she was feeling.
How the hell had
he not had sex in three years?
It wouldn’t be for lack of women throwing
themselves at his feet, that was for sure. Dan loaded up with nearly all the bags
in one go and headed out.

‘
He’s
your boyfriend?
Wow,
’ she
groaned. I just smiled, why not let her think it and I really couldn’t be
bothered to explain, I wouldn’t know how to if I wanted to. Twenty minutes
later we pulled up outside the supermarket.

‘Are you still going to be eating with me at
night?’ I asked.

‘I don’t know,’ he shrugged with a heavy sigh.

‘Well you’d better make your mind up fast, if I
only buy enough to feed one and we get snowed in, I won’t have enough to keep us
both going.’ He stayed looking ahead, both hands gripping the steering wheel
tightly, as if he were afraid if he let go they’d automatically reach for me. I
watched as he chewed on the inside of his lip. ‘If it’s going to be that hard
for you to sit with me, I’ll cook and you can pick up your meals and take them
back to yours.’

‘That’s not fair to you. You’re on holiday. I’m
the help.’

‘I love cooking and I don’t like the idea of you
not eating properly, you need to eat decent meals, Dan.’

‘Please don’t do that,’ he said quietly.

‘Do what?’

‘Care about me.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because I don’t deserve it.’

‘Then please don’t do
that
.’

‘What?’

‘Keep putting yourself down, you tell me off when
I do it. I may not know you very well, but I can sense that you’re a good man,
Dan.’ He blinked, stirring himself out of his focus on a spot on the windscreen
as his mobile rang and he pulled it out of his pocket and frowned.

‘Go and do the shopping for two. I have some private
calls I need to make. I’ll load it all when you get back and pay you for my
share.’ His tone had changed, he’d reverted again and in this moment he
reminded me of the Captain, barking orders at his employees.

‘Fine, I’ll go alone. I also need to go somewhere
that sells cheap printers.’

‘Why?’

‘Because I need to … print,’ I replied, wondering
why that wasn’t perfectly obvious from the fact that I needed a printer. He
seemed somewhere else all of a sudden.

‘I’ll unlock the desk unit and set up the one at
the house up for you.’

‘He won’t mind?’

‘All part of the service. I believe I mentioned
that I needed some privacy?’

‘Sometimes you can be a really cold arse!’ I
exclaimed as I climbed out of the car and slammed the door. This time he didn’t
follow me and I deliberately took my time browsing the aisles to calm down. This
man blew hot and cold like no one I’d ever known, and even more infuriating
than that, if that were even possible, was that I
still
wanted him. I
spent a ridiculous amount on food and some vodka, mulled wine and Baileys and
some freezer boxes to store some of the meals I planned on cooking. I had to
purchase frozen veg for Christmas dinner, just in case we couldn’t get out. I
struggled to push the over loaded trolley back to the car and noticed he was
out of it, pacing backwards and forwards with his phone glued to his ear,
oblivious to me approaching.

‘That’s
not
your decision to make Theo,’ he
snapped angrily. ‘She’s
my
responsibility
not
yours, it’s a
burden I’ll carry. I won’t keep having this conversation with you and I don’t
want to hear from you again on the matter, if anything changes I’ll contact
you.
Goodnight.’ His tone was sharp as he ended the call and he turned around
and punched the side of the Land Rover with a look of pure fury on his face. I
gasped and his head snapped around. He saw me standing a few feet from him,
frozen with my hands on the trolley as I looked at him in surprise. ‘How long
have you been standing there?’ he barked. ‘I told you I was making private
calls.’

‘You’re in the middle of a car park shouting on
your phone, I wasn’t intentionally eavesdropping. You know this was all
supposed to be simple, I hired a boathouse in the middle of nowhere so I could
come and get away from men and their problems, to have a break to rest and
recharge. I didn’t
ask
to be your responsibility, I didn’t
ask
to
be a burden and I didn’t
ask
to have another man screw me around because
he doesn’t know what he wants. I didn’t want my life made even more complicated
than it is. I just wanted things to be easy for the next few weeks, but
suddenly you’re making that really hard.’ I felt my bottom lip quivering and
willed myself not to cry.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘I don’t want to hear another apology, Dan. Please
can we load up and go. I just want to get home.’

‘As you wish.’

‘O screw you and your sudden uncaring attitude.
You want to just be the help? Fine, I’ll treat you like the help from here on
out. Here, knock yourself out.’ I shoved the trolley in his direction and
marched over to the car, climbed in and slammed the door and focussed on
looking out somewhere where he wasn’t in my line of sight or visible in any
reflective surfaces. I felt the draught of cold air as he opened the back door
and the rustle of bags as he loaded up and closed it. I heard him climb in and
then put the key in the ignition then suddenly felt his fingers brush my cheek,
so I slapped them away. ‘Don’t touch me,’ I bit, angrily.

He sighed heavily and started the engine and
headed off. I watched out of the window as the lights of the town faded and we
were back in complete darkness on the main road leading to the mountain. As we
turned off and started making our way up its side and I saw how thick the snow
was, and how much harder it was coming down the higher we climbed, I closed my
eyes, willing the journey to be as easy as the one out. I listened to him
shifting gears and the engine straining, the bags sliding back and forth in the
back as we zigzagged our way up and let out a shocked gasp and squeezed my eyes
even more tightly shut as I felt us slipping backwards and heard him ram her
down a gear and mutter something under his breath. The car wobbled and then
straightened out.

‘I’ve got everything under control, Ellie,’ he
said in a voice that was supposed to be soothing, but at this precise moment I
was still so angry with him I felt like spinning around and slapping him. If
this was his idea of everything being under control he needed to look up the
meaning of the word. I twisted around to face the door and gripped the back of
my seat with both hands and lay my head against them. ‘I’m the only child of
two hard working, supportive parents who are very close to my heart. They sent
me to private school, Eton as a matter of fact. I was Captain of the rugby
team. I really enjoy sports. I excelled at Maths and Information Technology. I
started writing computer programs when I was in my teens. Would you like me to
carry on?’ he asked as my head exploded at the overload of personal information
in one whole speech, well not a speech as such, he spoke in stilted sentences,
imparting facts, like he was reciting a shopping list. His communication skills
really weren’t great, but he’d just told me more about himself in ten or so
seconds than the entire four days since I’d first met him.