500 Days (62 page)

I sat in the chair, clutching Casper’s hand
as they lowered the casket into the ground. I wanted to jump and
throw myself on top of the coffin and beg them not to put my
brother in the ground. I wasn’t ready to let go. I needed more
time. I just needed my brother Jack and now he was gone. My
brothers and I were the last to leave. They had to practically
carry me out of the cemetery.

After the service I played the part. I
thanked everyone for their kindness and food, made sure everyone
was comfortable or had something to drink. I washed the dishes just
to keep myself distracted and so I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone
any more.

“
Alex?” I almost dropped
the plate at the sound of his voice. Colby was the last person I
expected to see and the last person I wanted to see. I turned to
face him, not even bothering with pleasantries. “I just wanted to
say sorry for your loss. I know that’s lame.”

“
Considering the source, I
say that’s just about right.” I turned back to my
dishes.

“
I know you’re pissed at
me and you have every right, I just want to let you know I really
am sorry about Jack. He was a
great guy
and didn’t deserve to go out like this.” I dropped the plate in
suds splashing water over the sides.

“
Everything okay?” Casper
asked, walking into the kitchen. He had the best timing. He took
one look at Colby, eyes narrowed.

I wiped my hands on the towel. “Can you take
me home?” Casper held out his hand for me. I took it and left Colby
in the kitchen. I didn’t even bother to say goodbye to anyone. I
just left, needing to get away.

Casper walked me to the door and made sure I
got inside. “Declan told me she’ll be sleeping here tonight so you
won’t be alone.”

“
Okay.”

“
Well, I guess, this is
goodbye.” The way he said it seemed final, like he was saying
goodbye for good.

“
Casper, wait.” He stopped
two feet from the stairs. “Will you stay with me?” His torn
expression told me he was leaning towards no. “Just until Declan
gets home.”

“
Yeah, I can do
that.”

I let us in and was on my way to my room
when I noticed Casper wasn’t following me. “Maybe we should wait
out here on the couch. Watch a movie?” He looked nervous and I
didn’t understand why, but the last thing I wanted to do was watch
a movie.

“
I really just want to lie
down. I don’t think I could handle watching a movie.”

I watched him swallow the lump in his
throat. “Um, yeah, okay.” This time I didn’t bother to wait and see
if he followed.

I kicked off my shoes in the closet. When I
heard him approach I turned around and pointed to my zipper. “Do
you mind?” He hesitated a moment. I could feel his hands shaking as
he undid my zipper. His fingers slipped, brushing the sensitive
skin on my lower back. My body yearned for his touch, to feel his
embrace. I leaned back wanting more, but he pulled away. My skin
turned cold at his release. “Thanks,” I mumbled. I could feel his
warm breath on my shoulder. He was so close I could taste him.

I turned around to find a storm brewing in
his eyes. I grazed my fingers across his cheek. “Casper.”

He grabbed my wrist. “Alex, don’t.”

I took a step back. “Don’t what?”

“
It wouldn’t be
right.”

“
Jesus Casper, when the
fuck did you grow a conscience?” I pulled off my dress and threw it
on the floor of the closet then walked to the dresser to look for a
shirt.

“
Don’t turn this on me. I
know you’re hurting, but I’m not going to let you use me just so
you can forget. You left me, remember. You don’t get to have me
whenever you want. It doesn’t work that way.”

I slammed the drawer shut. “Don’t stand
there and act like a fucking saint. You’re right. I broke up with
you. So get out. You’re no longer needed.”

He scrubbed his hands down his face and
growled, frustrated. “Alex, I’m not going to leave you here by
yourself.”

“
I don’t need you to
babysit me Casper. I’m not a child.”

“
You shouldn’t be alone. I
don’t know what you’re going through right now and I’m not going to
begin to try, but I won’t let you destroy yourself in the
process.”

“
What the hell do you
think I’m going to do? Why is everyone so worried I’m going to go
off the deep end? Yes, I lost my brother.
My
brother,” I stabbed my chest.
“The only person who loved me for me. The person who raised me and
was more like a father than a brother. So yes it hurts,” I could
feel the wetness dripping down my cheeks. “I lost the one person
who kept this family together. So forgive me for being a little
fucking emotional!”

“
Without Jack, there’s
nothing. There’s just a broken family without the glue to keep us
from falling apart. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him.”
I buried my face in my hands and cried. Casper walked over and
wrapped his arms around me, gently swaying me back and
forth.

“
Alex, everything will be
okay.”

I shoved him away. “You don’t know that.
Jack’s death is proof. He used to tell me that all the time and now
he’s dead. Who’s going to be the one to pick me up when I fall?
Who’s going to tell my other brothers to back off when they’re
being dicks? Who will be the one to make sure everything is going
to be okay?”

Casper grabbed my shoulders and stared me
straight in the eyes. “I will, if you let me. I love you Alex,
always have and always will. No matter how many times you push me
away I will always be here. Just let me be here.” He pressed his
hand to my heart and I nearly lost myself. I collapsed in his arms.
“You don’t have to be scared Alex.”

I tilted my head until our eyes met. Raising
my hands to his cheeks, I lifted up on my tiptoes and pressed my
lips to his. I melted in his arms. I hadn’t realized how much I
missed those lips until I was touching them. I felt him kiss me
back, but only for a second. He broke the kiss. “Alex, I
can’t.”

“
Casper, please don’t say
no. I need you, please.”

“
Alex, you have no idea
what you’re asking me.”

“
Please,” I begged, just
needing to feel, something, anything. I’ve been numb for a week and
I was afraid this feeling would never leave. I didn’t want to stay
an empty shell.

“
Alex,” he tucked a loose
strand of hair behind my ear.

“
Just give me tonight. All
I want to do is feel something, anything. Please just give me this
one night and you can walk out of here a free man.”

“
That’s the difference
between you and me Alex. I don’t want to walk out of here. You are
where I belong. You are my home.”

“
Casper, I
can’t.”

“
It’s the only way Alex.
The only way I’ll give you what you want is if you give me what I
want.”

“
What’s that?” I asked,
voice shaky.

“
You.”

“
You have me,” I said,
crashing my lips into his. I would have said anything to get him to
stay. I knew this was a mistake. I knew I would regret this in the
morning when I told him it was still over, but just for tonight it
was just us. I needed the release, an escape from reality, and
Casper was just the perfect person to help me with that.

Casper took his time. I didn’t rush him. I
wanted to remember and feel every movement, every touch. His
fingers stung my skin making me yearn for more. He was very
attentive to every single need and made sure I was cared for in
every way possible. It was almost as if he needed to commit every
inch of my skin to memory, like he secretly knew this was the last
time he would be able to touch me.

His fingers, calloused from years of playing
guitar, danced delicately across my skin. Starting from the tip of
my toes, he worked his way up the back of my calves, stopping
behind my knees, tickling me to the point where I almost couldn’t
take it anymore. Spreading his hands wide, he gently pushed apart
my thighs, exciting me in places I never knew existed. I barely
kept it together when he pressed his lips lightly below my wetness.
My legs began to quiver as he teased me with his warm breath. He
was so close and it took everything I had not to smash his face
down between my legs where I was aching for him. I slid down lower
on the bed. He pulled back just enough to keep from making contact.
I tried again but he pressed his thumbs hard on my behind, keeping
me planted where I was. I could hear him chuckle lightly.

“
Always in such a rush.
Just relax.” That was hard to do with his lips so close. Finally,
he spread me wide, dipping his tongue in deep. I let out a cry of
relief. My hands shakily ran down my stomach and found their way
into his hair. I pulled lightly as he dove deeper, making my clit
swell from all the insane things he was doing with his tongue. I
swear it was magical. No one had ever made me feel the way he did.
It was like he knew me inside and out, top to bottom, front to
back. If I was a map of the world he explored every single
continent, country, and state. Sucking gingerly, he moved down
lower. I bit my lip and for a second I thought I drew blood. I knew
it wouldn’t be long before I fell apart inside his mouth. I grasped
his hair tighter, pushing my hips up. Giant hands moved across my
stomach, slamming me back down on the bed. “Stay put,” he growled.
And to ensure I did, he held me down, which only intensified the
sensation.

Burying his head back in between my thighs,
he worked me into a frenzy. He licked, sucked and nibbled until I
couldn’t take it anymore. I cried out, gasping and moaning so loud
I’m sure the neighbors heard me. Even after I came he still didn’t
stop. He licked my over-worked clit until I had to force him away.
It was just too much for my body to handle. I wiped the sweat from
my brow as he reached up to touch my face. “Did I ever tell you how
good you taste?” He rubbed his thumb over my bottom lip, staring
deeply and intensely into my eyes.

I hated looking into those beautiful
blue-gray eyes knowing I was going to crush his heart tomorrow. But
I knew it was better this way. Pushing his thick hair back from his
eyes, I kissed him. I kissed him so hard it hurt. I could feel his
erection on my thigh and all I wanted now was to have him inside of
me. I wanted to feel his hardness pulsing as he thrust deeper. I
knew he knew it too. Swiveling his tongue around mine, he bit down
slightly, backing away and pulling me with him. I dug my finger
nails into his backside and guided him to where I wanted him, where
I needed him. But he had different plans. Before I could pull away,
he shoved me back against the bed, slipping his tongue inside my
mouth roughly, moaning. I could feel the vibrations in the back of
my throat. I loved when he kissed me hard. I loved when he kissed
me softly. I just loved when he kissed me. He always knew exactly
what I wanted. He knew when to be tender or to take it to the next
level and play around. This man knew more about my body than I
did.

Most people would tell me I was a fool to
let him go, but they didn’t understand. I already lost so much and
I knew if I opened up my heart to Casper, I was afraid I would lose
myself or worse, him. I thought it was better to let go of
something I never really had in the first place. He deserved
better. He deserved someone who could love him with their whole
heart.

He was the first to break the kiss. Pressing
his forehead to mine, he whispered, “I love you, Alex.” I closed my
eyes, fighting the tears that were slowly creeping their way out.
My emotions betrayed me and exposed the coward that I was. “Hey,
don’t do that,” Casper said, swiping his thumb across my cheek.

“
Kiss me,” I said,
slamming my lips to his. He pulled back. “No, don’t,” I sobbed.
“Please Casper,” I begged, needing him. He relaxed, pressing his
body on top of mine. I let out a gasp when his hips began to grind
against mine. Reaching down in between the thick tangle of skin, I
jerked once on his long, bulging shaft. He grunted, tangling his
fingers in my hair and pulling my head back roughly to expose my
neck. With his other hand, he cupped my breast, circling his thumb
over my extremely sensitive nipples. His lips trailed down the side
of my neck, leaving goose bumps in their wake. Kissing the base of
my throat, he worked his tongue up and over my chin. I twisted my
thumb over the tip of his penis causing him to bite my lower lip.
He didn’t reject when I slipped him inside of me. We both let out
moans at the contact. Slipping back out again, he rubbed himself
against my sex before pushing himself back in. We both needed this.
I could feel it just as much as he could. This was where it all
made sense. This was where we came together. Our bodies moved as
one, in perfect sync with each other.

I could feel my insides turn to mush as he
pushed himself deeper, lifting my legs and bending my knees to my
shoulders so he could get even deeper. I could feel myself start to
come undone. Knowing I was close, he picked up speed, slamming into
me so hard I thought I would break. Taking a breast in his mouth
while caressing the other, his grip tightened as he shoved himself
in and out of my wet, swollen sex. “Casper,” I moaned, needing him
to finish.

“
Look at me.” I closed my
eyes not able to meet his. “Alex, look at me…Alexis.” I blinked
back the tears that burned my eyes. He was the only one who could
completely tear me down just by saying my name. Carefully
positioning himself so he was resting above me, he placed both
hands on the sides of my face. “Alexis, open your eyes.” I forced
my eyes open. He kissed me gently, parting his lips so I could
explore his tongue with mine. His movements were slow and
deliberate. I closed my eyes again. “No, look at me.” Not wanting
to deny him his last request, I obeyed. The cold steel of his
piercings rubbed against mine, tugging lightly. Just a few more
pushes and I was screaming his name. He came apart above as he sent
me into another climax. Arms shaking, he tried to steady himself so
his weight wouldn’t crush me, but I wanted to feel the pressure. I
wanted his full weight and body on top of mine. Tightening my legs
around his hips, I pulled him down on top of me as he cried out,
burying his head in my hair until his breathing was
steady.