500 Days (65 page)

“
I come here all the time.
How do I know you’re not the one who’s checking up on me?” I put my
hands on my hips to control my shaking. “Alex, I swear I didn’t
know.” He reached for me but I took a step back.

“
Casper, I can’t do this
right now.” I hailed a cab and quickly jumped in telling the cabbie
I’d give him an extra twenty if he got out of there quickly. Once
home, I went straight to my room, fell down on my bed and
cried.

Declan checked on me sometime later, but I
refused to talk so she left me be. I stayed in my room for the next
two days. The only time I bothered to come out was if I had to go
to the bathroom or get something to eat. On Christmas Eve, I forced
myself out of bed and over to Jasper’s. I knew if I didn’t show up
they would hunt me down and drag me there kicking and screaming. To
avoid any drama, I packed a bag for the night, and headed over to
the house. Jasper volunteered to stay in Jack’s room and offered me
his bed, but I told him no. Most people would think it a torture,
but to me it was a comfort. I felt better being surrounded by his
things.

I dumped my bag on the floor and crawled
into Jack’s bed. I wondered how often he actually slept in it. He
was always gone and when he was home it was never for long. I
buried my nose in his pillow and inhaled deeply. It still smelled
like him, a small mix of his aftershave and soap. I clung to the
pillow tightly like I was holding on to him for dear life. “Alex?”
I lifted my tired head and rubbed away the few tears that managed
to sneak their way out.

“
Jacob, what’s
up?”

He sat down on the edge of the bed. “Can I
talk to you?” I nodded and scooted back, making more room for him.
It was like he had a growth spurt overnight. I didn’t even think
that was possible anymore, but his legs were longer and he was
almost a foot taller, packing on more body weight to fill out his
tall form. He picked at the pretend lint on his pants, making me
nervous about what he wanted to talk about.

“
Jake, what is it?” He was
a lot calmer than he had been since Jack died. Most of his days he
spent brooding and angry at the world, but now he just looked like
a sad, lost little boy, like my baby brother.

“
I need to tell you
something. Something I hadn’t told anyone else yet.”

“
Oh god, please don’t tell
me you knocked up some skank.” He covered his eyes. “Or
worse
,
some girl
is saying she’s carrying your bastard child even though she doesn’t
have proof.”

“
Christ Alex, I’m still a
virgin.” We heard laughter outside in the hall. Jacob growled and
got up to close the door in Jaxson’s face. He ran his fingers
though his hair.

“
You’re really still a
virgin?”

“
Don’t act so
surprised.”

“
I’m not,” he frowned. “I
mean, I just expected –”

“
I’d be more like Jasper,”
he said, returning to the side of the bed.

“
Trust me, I am more than
happy you are nothing like Jasper.”

“
I can you hear you, you
know,” Jasper said through the door.

“
Stop listening,” I
yelled, throwing a shoe at the door.

Jasper opened the door to glare at me. “It’s
my house. I can do what I want.” I picked up the other shoe and
chucked it right at his head.

Jacob got up, ready to bolt. “Just forget
it.”

I grabbed his arm and yanked him back down.
“No. Jas, quit being a dick.”

“
You hit me in the head
with a shoe.” Again we heard Jaxson laughing down the
hall.

“
Just be glad it wasn’t
one of my heels.” He stood there with his arms crossed. I knew the
only way to get rid of him was to rat out one of my brothers and
since Jacob was the one who currently needed to talk, that left
Jaxson. “And by the way, Jaxson was the one who drank the last of
your beer and has been stealing your cigarettes.”

“
What?” he snapped, taking
off.

“
Weren’t you the one who
drank the beer and smoked his last cigarette?” Jacob said, closing
the door again right before we heard Jaxson scream ‘ow’ and yell
mercy.

I shrugged. “We both did,” I confessed. “But
I also just bought us some privacy. So what do you want to talk
about it. And if this is about sex I am so not the one you need to
talk to.”

He made a face like he was about to throw
up. “First off, if I needed advice on sex I would ask Jaxson, not
you. You’re my sister. That’s just gross.”

I rolled my eyes. “Then what’s going
on?”

“
I’m sorry,” he said,
sighing.

“
Sorry for what?” I was so
confused I didn’t even know where to begin.

“
I blamed you.” I wrinkled
my brow in confusion. “Jack’s death. I blamed you for it.” I
recoiled as if he slapped me. “I was so angry and upset and I
needed a reason. I needed to know why Jack…” He turned away from
me, ashamed. “Jack once told me you were part of the reason he
joined the marines. He said he wanted to do right by you, whatever
that meant.”

Jacob had no idea. He didn’t know what
really happened that night. “So I blamed you for his death. I
convinced myself that if it wasn’t for you he would still be here.”
I bit my lip to keep from crying. “I know it wasn’t your fault and
I’m sorry I blamed you.”

“
Jacob, I had no idea you
felt that way.” I placed my hand over his and squeezed
gently.

“
Why would you?” He pulled
his hand away. “I read the letter from Jack. Inside was a DVD. A
video of him saying goodbye.” This time I could no longer stop the
tears. “He told me not to blame you. He knew I would. He reminded
me how much harder you had it being the only girl and that we had
to look out for you because we’re family. Family always comes
first. I’m sorry I blamed you. I’m sorry about all the dark
thoughts I had. I just didn’t know how to handle it.” I threw my
arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. “Jack just wasn’t my
older brother. He was my dad. He was the only dad I
knew.”

“
I know Jacob,” I
sobbed.

“
I
know
, Alex,” he hinted.

“
Know, what,
Jacob.”

“
I know Jack really killed
dad, not mom.”

“
Jacob that’s crazy. Who
told you that?” I tried to play it off. The last thing I wanted him
to do was think less of Jack.

“
Alex, you don’t have to
lie anymore or play dumb. Jack told me. He told me everything,
well, almost everything. I’m sure he left a lot of stuff out, but
he did tell me you were there and you would try to deny it was
Jack.” The tears were rushing out so fast and furious I could
barely see. “It’s okay. Deep down I think I always knew. Just the
way Jack was when you mentioned dad or asked about him. Something
was always off.”

“
Jack also told me he was
going to confess.”

“
Confess what?” I asked,
pulling back.

“
Jack told me he was going
to tell the judge that it was him who killed dad and not
mom.”

“
But why? Why would he do
that? It would destroy everything he worked so hard
for.”

“
Does it really matter
now?” I could feel the frown lines forming. “Jack’s dead Alex, and
this was his dying wish. To set mom free.”

Not able to take anymore. I buried my face
in my hands and balled. Jacob wrapped his arms around me. “I’m
sorry Alex. I’m sorry you had to go through that and I’m sorry you
have to go through this now.”

“
God, you sound just like
Jack. Always worried more about everyone else, than
yourself.”

Jacob smiled. “Couldn’t be more proud. I
think that’s the nicest thing you have ever said to me.”

I pinched his side, making him laugh. “Hey,
Jasper’s making me go on a beer run. Wanna come with?” Jaxson asked
and then he saw our faces. Without a word, he sat behind us on the
bed, embracing us both in a hug.

“
Jax, quit douching and
let’s go,” Jasper whined. When he reached the entryway he paused.
In a very unlike Jasper manner, he walked over and joined the hug.
We all sat there for moment just taking comfort in each other.
Jasper, of course, was the first to break. “Alright, I got to go
before my dick falls off and I grow a pussy.”

“
Yeah,” Jacob said,
clearing his throat.

“
Whatever, virgin,” Jasper
teased.

“
Shut up, dick.” Jacob
pushed him and they wrestled their way down the hall.

“
I guess I should get my
shoes on.” I spun my legs off the bed.

“
Hey, I know you’re
hurting, but we’re here for you. I’m here for you.”

“
Jax, we’re all
hurting.”

“
Yes, but I can feel your
pain more than the others and I know it’s not just about
Jack.”

“
I don’t want to talk
about it.”

“
Maybe not now, but soon
you’re going to have to realize just how much Casper loves you and
I know you love him too. He deserves to know the truth and you and
I both know you need him just as much as he needs you.” I didn’t
respond. I just slipped on my shoes and stood up. Jaxson kissed my
temple. “I love you Alex, but I can’t stand to see you upset and
right now you’re miserable because you’re too afraid to admit that
you need someone. And it’s okay. We all do. Casper’s a good guy.
Don’t you think you punished him enough? Don’t you think you
punished yourself enough?”

“
When you two girls are
done braiding your hair could we fucking go?” Jasper yelled. I
stifled an eye roll and walked out of the room. I turned back to
take a good look at all Jack’s stuff. The pictures of all of us,
his collection of books and car magazines on the bookshelf; his
free weights in the corner and the last of his dirty laundry he
never got to wash. You never knew what life had in store until it
was too late. Maybe Jaxson was right. But right now, my heart
wasn’t ready to accept any more heartache. I closed the door behind
me and met the boys at the car.

Jasper decided to swing by the mall to do
some last minute Christmas shopping. Only Jasper would do his
Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. I couldn’t complain though,
with everything that happened I hadn’t really had the chance to get
anything done myself. After an hour of crazy lines and last minute
shoppers buzzing by in a rush to get what they needed, we were on
our way home.

I settled in for the night while the boys
played poker. I had to get up early and put the turkey in, plus I
was burnt out from all the crying earlier and the information
overload. I walked over to Jack’s bookshelf, running my fingers
along the bindings of the books until I came upon one I liked. I
picked up the book on mythology, surprised that Jack would have
this. Then I went in his closet and pulled out one of his
sweatshirts, tugging it over my head before crawling into bed. I
cracked back the binding of the book and started to dive into the
mythical world of the Greek gods and goddesses.

Jaxson wasn’t very happy when I woke him up
bright and early in the morning. Especially for the task I needed
him for. “Why can’t you do this?” he complained as he stuffed his
hand inside the bird.

“
Because it skeeves me
out.” I could cook the turkey but I could not pullout the innards.
Just the thought made me nauseous. Jaxson’s bloodshot eyes and
messy hair let me know he had a rough night. The half empty case of
beer was another tip to his crappy mood. Jaxson’s cheeks blew up
like a blowfish and I quickly yanked him away from the turkey and
shoved him in the direction of the bathroom. When I returned to the
kitchen I found Jasper with his hand inside the turkey.

“
What are you doing?” I
asked.

“
Pulling out the insides
because I know it grosses you out.” I leaned against the counter,
surprised he remembered that. He gave me a smile and while I waited
until he was done. I put the turkey in the oven and then went back
to bed. When I woke up again all the boys were up and already
unwrapping their gifts.

“
You guys couldn’t wait
for me?” I whined taking a seat next to Jaxson.

“
No,” they all said
together. I rolled my eyes.

“
Here,” Jasper said,
handing me a card. “I didn’t know what to get you so I just gave
you cash.”

I laughed. “Thanks. Actually, I have an idea
of what you could do for me. I wanted to get another tattoo.” He
opened his mouth to protest and I’m sure to tell me he was too
busy. “It’s for Jack.”

“
Yeah, I can do that.” I
opened up my gifts from Jacob and Jaxson next. Jaxson got me a gift
certificate to my favorite shoe store and Jacob got me an ITunes
gift card.

“
What time is Declan
getting here?”

“
Three and dinner will be
done at four,” I said, knowing that would be their next
question.

I got in the shower and got ready for
dinner. I finished setting the table when there was a knock on the
door. I figured it was Declan and asked one of the boys to get it.
They rock, paper, scissor’ed to see who would get up and answer it.
Jaxson lost. Jaxson always lost since he always picked the same
thing. The boys were goofing on the couch playing video games when
Jaxson opened the door. He stood there, silent, not moving.
“Jaxson, what are you doing?” For a second I thought maybe Casper
was at the door and my heart stopped.