Authors: Abigail Collins
But I don’t understand what decision Cyrus is trying to push me towards. Does he really want me to go into hiding and let Fray die? Or is he really okay with risking the entirety of the human race over one person? I can never tell what a Digit is thinking, and Cyrus is especially good at keeping his expression neutral when he feels he needs to.
I sigh, letting out a long breath I didn’t realize I had been holding. “Then what do you suggest I do?” I ask him. “Either way, someone is going to die because of me, and I don’t think I can handle more guilt than I’m already feeling. Are you sure there are no other options?”
“You can’t handle the guilt, you say?” I nod, and Cyrus smiles smugly like an idea has just popped into his head. “If that is the case, then there may be another way. If I told you that you could save your brother without giving yourself over to Division 6, would you agree to it? No matter what the cost to you may be?”
“What?” I ask wearily. “What can I do?”
“You can take his place.”
Chapter thirty-seven
I am going to die.
And yes, I know that everyone dies eventually – even the Digits, after the human part of them finally gives out – but that kind of death isn’t what I’m talking about. Most people don’t know when or how they’re going to lose their lives, but I do.
I am going to die today. Any minute now, actually. And, for some strange reason, I’m not afraid.
“You’re sure this is going to work?” I ask Cyrus again, and he rolls his eyes.
“Of course I am. Do you honestly think I would let you go through with this if I
wasn’t
sure?” I am tempted to tell him that
yes, I don’t think you’d mind killing me even without a good reason to
, but I hold my tongue. He’s doing me a favor, and I need to remember that.
“But… what if Tesla doesn’t let Fray go?”
“Oh, trust me, she will. Once she has proof that you’re dead, she won’t have any further reason to keep him imprisoned. He
is
a little boy, after all. She will see it as more of a hindrance to look after him than it is worth to keep him.”
I bite my tongue, holding back more than a few questions that might anger Cyrus; I still don’t know what he’s feeling about all of this, but if I accidentally say something that upsets him, he might refuse to help me – to help
Fray
.
“What if she just kills Fray instead of letting him go?” Roma speaks up from beside me; she’s been standing as close to me as possible ever since Cyrus suggested this plan, like she’s afraid that if she isn’t holding onto me I’ll just disappear. “You’ve already mentioned how cold-hearted she is. What’s to stop her from killing him out of sheer frustration? It’s not worth the risk. Everly’s life is more important than – ”
“Roma,” I interrupt her, feeling slightly guilty for doing so; “Fray’s life is important, too. Let’s just hear him out, okay?”
She nods, but I can feel the tension wafting off of her like a heat wave. Crissy, on my other side, has remained silent through all of Cyrus’s explanations, but she’s holding onto my hand so tightly it hurts.
“Thank you, Everly,” Cyrus says curtly. “As I was trying to explain, Tesla isn’t aware of my alliance with the humans. At the moment, we hold the same ranking among the Council members, so if I bring your body to her and tell her that Division 4 destroyed your brain for their own purposes, she will believe me. Likewise, if I tell her that there is no sense in killing a six-year-old who could later prove useful as a force for labor or war, she will let him go.”
Roma opens her mouth to speak, but Cyrus cuts her off with a wave of his hand.
“And before you ask – no, I do
not
plan on letting either of those things happen. After Fray is released I will escort him out of Division 6 and bring him to the Divide. He will be safe there, and if Tesla asks where he is – which I strongly doubt she will – I will just report him as a missing person. It makes sense to think that he ran away to be with you and your family. It wouldn’t be the first time something like that has happened.”
Cyrus shoots me a meaningful look, and I know he’s thinking about my mother. I wonder if he really
was
the man who helped her escape from Division 4. I want to ask him why he cared so much about her when he’s always seemed so stoical, but I think that’s something he might want to keep to himself. Even Digits have pasts, after all.
“Everly, please,” Crissy says quietly, clenching her hand tighter around my own. “Please don’t do this. We can try to think of something else. If this is because you’re still feeling guilty about your mother, or you don’t think anyone will miss you – ”
“That’s not it,” I cut her off before she can continue. “I know there are people who will miss me, but that’s why I have to do this. Both of my parents… I loved them, and because they loved me, too, they got hurt. They died, and so did a couple of friends of mine. And I know that it isn’t entirely my fault, but I don’t want any more deaths on my conscience. If I live through this, I’ll never be able to pretend that I’m okay. But Fray is still just a kid. He can still have a normal, happy life, and he deserves it more than I do.”
Crissy doesn’t respond, and no one else tries to argue with me. They know as well as I do that I’m telling nothing but the truth – and after everything we’ve been through together, we owe it to each other to be honest, even about the things that hurt.
My life will never be what I want it to be. I will live out the rest of my days in hiding, fearing not only for my own life but for the lives of everyone I love. My own guilt will drive me insane – especially if Fray dies because of me. I will be alive, but I won’t really be living.
But Fray still has a chance. He’s young and bright, and infinitely stronger than I am. He has the courage I always wished I had, and I’m sure he will live through this ordeal. He’ll have Crissy and her parents, and eventually I will be just like our parents to him – nothing more than a childhood memory.
“I’m sorry, you guys. I really am. Believe me, if I thought there was any other way, I wouldn’t be doing this. But the only thing that’s kept me going these past few months has been finding Fray and keeping him safe. Nothing else matters to me anymore.”
I can tell from the looks on their faces that they understand there’s no point in trying to change my mind. Their faces fall, and Crissy’s grip on my hand loosens. They understand as much as I do what my decision means – that this is our last moment together. These are our final goodbyes.
It feels like it takes hours for us to part ways. Crissy is first, and she hugs me so tightly I can feel my shoulder-blades pop in their joints. She is crying – we all are – and her tears run down her face and drip into the crook of my neck.
“You’re my best friend, Everly,” she whispers, so quiet that only I can hear her. “You always will be. And nothing you’ve ever done could change that.”
“You too,” I say, forcing the words out. My throat feels like it’s clogged, and every time I speak it comes out as a hoarse mixture of bile and tears.
Andon hugs me, too, and it’s such a surprise that my breath catches and I can’t think of anything to say. But he doesn’t speak, either, so I think we both understand each other. His arms are rough and strong, and I am glad, because he’s going to have to be the one to carry what’s left of my family after I’m gone.
Even though Crissy is my best friend, saying goodbye to Roma is the hardest. I think it’s because ever since my birth mother died, Roma has become the next maternal figure in my life. She’s been there for me when no one else was, and I’ve always found comfort in her presence. Even now, when I know that my own death is just minutes away, I’m not afraid. When she wraps her arms around my shoulders, all I can feel is her warmth.
“Your life is worth just as much as anyone else’s, no matter what you might think,” she tells me. “I know I can’t convince you to change your mind, but you need to know that you
are
important. We all forgive you, so don’t think you don’t deserve to be forgiven. You’ve fought so hard for so long, sweetheart, and I’m
so
proud of you for it. Your mother would be, too – I know that for certain.”
“Thank you, Roma. Just…
thank you
.” She pulls me just a little closer and hugs me just a little tighter, and when she finally lets go it feels like she takes a piece of me with her.
She looks at me, her eyes brimming with tears, and for a moment I am too full of warmth and melancholy that I can’t think of anything to say. Then I remember something, hidden in the bottom of the pack across my back, and I pull it open and dig through it like my life depends on it. But really, my life doesn’t depend on
anything
anymore, and the more time I take, the longer I am prolonging the inevitable.
I pull my stuffed teddy bear out of the bag and look at it for a moment, running my fingers along all of the stitched seams and drinking in all of the memories I associate with them. This bear – as simple and trivial as it may seem – has gotten me through a lot of hard times. It’s only right that it should be passed on to someone who will be needing it more than I will.
“Roma?” I ask, holding the bear out to her. “Would you bring this to Fray, please? Take good care of it – it’s really important. Tell him that I sent it to keep the nightmares away, okay? He’ll know what that means.”
“Of course, dear.”
Roma takes the bear from my hands and cradles it gently in the crook of one arm like a baby. I smile through my tears – I know I picked the right person to trust with such a precious gift.
She kisses me on the forehead and pats my shoulder one last time, and then steps back away from me to join the rest of her family. They all say their last goodbyes between sobs, and Flynn begins leading them away. She is taking them to the Divide, where they will be safe. And after Cyrus brings Tesla my body as proof of my death, my little brother will be able to join them there.
I watch them leave, feeling both happy and sad in tandem. I want to believe that they will all have good lives from now on, but I can’t know that for certain. All I can know is that their lives will be
better
with me gone, and that’s enough of a reason for me to do this.
“Are you sure you don’t want to join them?” Cyrus asks, following my eyes as I watch my loved ones fade out of sight in the distance. I shake my head, for once not feeling even an ounce of doubt in my decision.
“I’m sure. This is for the best. What about
you
? Are you still okay with doing this?”
Cyrus smiles, but it looks a bit strained. “Of course. I can just switch my emotions off and not feel a thing.”
“Are you going to?”
“…No. I don’t think so. I think this is a feeling I need to experience. That’s what being human is all about, isn’t it?”
I wipe a few stray tears from my cheeks and manage a small but genuine smile.
“That’s right. I just didn’t expect to hear something like that from a Digit.”
“We’re not all the same, you know,” he says, looking amused. “We’re just as human as you are, Everly, and I think you did just fine with the humanity you were given.”
Coming from Cyrus, that feels like the greatest compliment in the world. And he’s right, too – the Digits all have a sliver of humanity left inside of them. If they could just learn to use it, and
embrace
it, then maybe they could live peacefully beside the humans. Perhaps even as equals.
But none of that is for me to decide. I am leaving this world in capable hands, and the rest is up to them.
Cyrus pulls his gun out of its holster and holds it up to me. He takes one step forward, then another, and I can see as he gets closer that his hands are shaking just slightly.
He stops when he’s reached me, with the barrel of his gun pressed against my chest. He can destroy my brain later, but first he has to kill the human half of me, and the easiest way to do that is by shooting me in the heart. There are scars just above where his pistol is aimed, crisscrossed like memories, and when I look down at my own hands I find that they are completely still and steady at my sides.
I am not afraid. For the first time in my life, I am not letting my cowardice win. I will be brave, for the sake of my brother and all of my friends – and for myself, too.