A Beat in Time (3 page)

Over the course of the next few days, I looked over all the rentals Ann had picked out in Flagstaff. I made a few phone calls and tried to finish up my next novel that was already in the works. My mother had taken the news of my move well, which made me suspicious. My mother had pointed out that it wasn’t like I was moving out of state, just hours away. I bought a new car and had most of my things shipped to Flagstaff ahead of me. I picked up the phone and dialed a number I called once a month since I’d left Arizona. The line picked up and a cheerful voice floated over the line.

“Bitch! Where are you?” Amanda laughed.

“My Mom’s, what’s up with you?”

“Nada. Just working. When are you bringing your ass to my house for Bacardi?”

“This weekend on my way up to Flagstaff.”

“What the hell? Why are you going there?”

“Long story. I’ll tell you all about it when I get there.”

“I’m looking forward to it. We need to have girl time.”

“I’ll see you Friday, hooker.”

~*~

As the weekend approached, I spent time with my dad. Giles Devane was a handsome man with dark hair and eyes that were currently searching my features. I knew my actions back in the day had taken a toll on him. I’d been reckless and disrespectful to the only man that had truly loved me. I took my father’s hand as we swung on the glider out front, watching the sunset.

“How are you really, Serena?” My father asked.

“I’m… I don’t know what I am anymore, Dad. I have success, but I feel empty.”

“You need love in your life.”

“I had love, Dad, then I lost it and I don’t think I can ever love again. I don’t ever want to feel that kind of pain.”

“Oh, Honey.” My father turned in the glider and took my face in his hands. “Love is wonderful, you should have it. Does it hurt? Yes, it can, but the flip side is that it makes you a better person. I think that’s why you write your stories about men. You don’t have to think about your own love life and everyone else is happy.”

I chuckled. “Maybe.”

“I would like you to see a therapist.”

“Dad…”

“I know you think they are all full of shit.”

“They don’t want to actually do their job, Dad. It’s ‘how about some Xanax’ and then the next thing you know, you’re addicted to pills that you take every day to stay happy. I don’t want that. I can take care of myself.”

“Your mother and I will come see you next month. I am happy you are now in the same state.”

“Me too, Dad.” I leaned against my father. “Me too.”

My mother came out with a tray of cheese and bread and set it on the table next to us. She ran her fingers through my hair with a smile.

“Look at you.”

I took my mother’s hand as tears formed in her eyes. “Mom, don’t cry.”

“Sabine, stop blubbering over her. She’s here, and let us just enjoy it.”

~*~

I drove into Tucson the following day to see my godmother, Ann Marie. The time I’d spent away from Tucson, I had missed out on seeing her as well. She was the one that told me I’d become a successful writer years before I actually did. Once she found out I was back, she called and asked me to come visit for a tarot card reading. I pulled up to her beautiful adobe house and parked in the drive way. The gate opened and my godmother stood smiling at me. I rushed to her and gave her a hug.

“Tata!”

Being French meant that you didn’t call anyone aunt or uncle, it was Tata or Tonton.  Most of my relatives lived in France and constantly badgered me to come visit. I wouldn’t mind going back to Marseille, sit on the beach, watch the men—

“Hi, sweet pea! It’s so good to see you. I’ve missed you.”

My godmother’s voice jarred me out of my fantasy of hot, naked French men.

“I missed you, too.”

She stepped back and looked at me from head to toe. “You look wonderful. Come inside!”

I followed her inside and looked around the cozy house. A large sectional took up most of the living room. We continued on and she walked to the kitchen. I followed and stood by the island as she fixed us some tea.

“I’m so glad you are home. Your mother missed you.”

“I missed her too,” I admitted.

We went and sat at the kitchen table. She brought a bowl of water and placed it off to the side, then unwrapped her tarot cards from a silk swath. She always insisted we didn’t talk about my life beforehand, she wanted the reading to be true without any influence. She placed her hands on the table and closed her eyes. I followed suit until a sigh left her lips and she began placing the cards face down on the table. I waited patiently as she surveyed all the cards. She flipped one over and studied it.

“You will be reunited with your first love.” She looked over at me. “You must be open to this, Serena. You heart will never heal if you do not. You have success and a life, but you’re not really living it. I see a move to another city. The house you pick will be in need of some repair.”

“Great, I can’t even pick a good house?” I groused.

“It’s not the outside that counts, it is the inside. It will have a strong foundation. You are embarking on a new adventure with your career. Make sure you take the time to do your research.”

I chuckled. Well, I was definitely doing that.

“This love…I am picking up letters. JP?”

I gasped.

“You know of the letters?” she asked.

“Yes. I know the letters. Are you sure?”

“It’s loud and clear. This love, you lost it once.”

I nodded, swallowing a lump in my throat.

“It won’t be easy, Serena, but if you still care for this man, you must be patient.”

“Ha. Patience is not my virtue, Tata.”

She took my hand with a small smile. “You still love this man.”

“I’m sure he’s a man now, but I don’t know anything about him. I made it a point not to look for him when I left.”

“You never had to look. He’s right here.” She patted my heart. “This is why all your relationships fail, Serena. You never stopped loving him.”

“I was
seventeen
, Tata! Who finds their soul mate at seventeen?”

“You did.”

I stood up and paced. This could not be happening. I spent so long trying to close myself off and now it felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest all over again. There was no way I was going to let Jensen back into my life. My heart couldn’t take it.

“Serena. Stop it. It is fate.”

“I make my own fate!” I shouted.

“Fate will find a way. You can fight it, but it will always find a way. If this man is fated to be with you, he will be no matter how hard you try to stop it.”

“You don’t understand,” I whispered.

“Make me understand.”

“When he broke up with me, that was the first and last time I ever begged someone not to leave me, but he did anyway, Tata. He still walked away from me. Something died inside me that day and I’ve never been able to give myself over to someone completely. If they left, I opened the door for them. That kind of pain stays with you.”

“But imagine the elation once you find each other again.”

“He’s never tried to find me and I’ve never tried to find him. Maybe this is just better left alone.”

“Not for you. You have to find him and heal your heart.”

“I’ll think about it, okay? That’s the best I can give you.”

“Okay. Now, let’s read the rest of your cards.”

~*~

I stayed for dinner and my godmother caught me up to speed on all the gossip. Well, what she considered gossip. She was friends with a group of women that played cards once a month. They were all the same age, but my godmother was more…free? She’s got a wicked sense of humor. That was probably why we got along so well. I drove home to a setting sun. Clouds were forming in the sky as the monsoons rolled in. I loved the smell of the rain in Arizona. By the time I got back to my mom’s, it was full on pouring and I made a mad dash to the back door. I was soaked in seconds. The smell of lamb accosted me as I hit the kitchen and I peered into the pot currently bubbling on the stove.

“Oh God,” I inhaled. “Cous cous!”

“I knew you would be happy,” my mom said from behind me.

Cous cous was a Moroccan meal. It consisted of lamb, turnips, carrots, celery, garbanzo beans, and squash along with some other vegetables. I loved it and the smell of cumin invaded my senses as I took another long whiff.

“It will be done soon.” My mother stirred the pot as I leaned against the counter.

“You spoil me, Mom.”

“Did you have this in New York?”

“I tried, it just wasn’t the same.”

My mother turned to me with a smile. “I hope you find everything you are looking for, Serena. I just want you to be happy.”

“I will be, Mom. Someday, I will be.”

I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel as I sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic in Phoenix. At least it was moving somewhat. The sun was out and the sky was clear blue. My mind kept replaying the conversation with my godmother. I always figured everything happened for a reason and there was some bigger force out there, but having Jensen’s initials thrown in my face? That was creepy as hell. My godmother didn’t know one damn thing about Jensen. No one knew the whole story except for Amanda, and she doesn’t even know my godmother.

Freaky.

I merged onto the 17 and headed to Amanda’s. We’d stayed friends even after high school. She helped put me back together after I lost Jensen. I was a mess. Drinking, smoking, and partying until all hours of the night. I scared the shit out of my parents when I ended up in jail. Not my finest moment. It took over a year for me to put myself back together in one piece. I rebounded from guy to guy, never lasting more than a year. Finally, I just stopped dating for a while. I wasn’t being fair to anyone I dated.

My heart belonged to someone else.

I finally got to Amanda’s exit and drove down the street, looking for her house. I always drove by it and I had no idea why, there was a huge palm tree out front that looked like a pineapple. I finally pulled into the driveway and Amanda ran out. I got out of the car and was hit with a hug.

“Holy shit! You’re actually here!” Amanda all but screamed.

“Started drinking without me, huh?” I grinned.

“Fuck yeah. Now catch up.”

We went inside and I was immediately assaulted by her dogs. I tried to stand upright as they sniffed every orifice I had.

“I did shower today,” I drawled, as one stuffed his nose in my crotch.

“Eh. He’s just saying hi.”

“I expect flowers.” I pointed at the dog.

“Guess what I got you?” Amanda grinned.

“A blow up doll?”

“No, but you need one.” Amanda opened the fridge and my heart stopped when she pulled out a platter.

“Is that…cheesecake?” my mouth watered.

“Yep, and I got Corona with lime. Who’s your daddy?” Amanda waggled her brows.

“God. If only you had a penis,” I sighed.

“I’ve got a strap on.”

“Not the same,” I pouted, dramatically.

“Come on,” Amanda chuckled.

We ended up sitting by the pool in lounge chairs drinking Corona and eating cheesecake. Well, I ate the cheesecake.

I don’t share.

Amanda told me all about her job and the current guy she was banging. I sat sideways, sipping my beer as she talked about her divorce.

“I’m so sorry,” I said, sincerely.

“Don’t be. I’m kind of glad it’s over, you know?” Amanda jumped up and set her beer down. “Don’t move!”

“Where am I going to go?” I gestured to the fenced-in backyard.

Amanda came back seconds later with our high school year book. I groaned and held my head.

“Must we do this?” I grumbled.

“Yes! Look at you, you look the same!”

I peered down at my senior portrait and scowled. At least it told me what my real hair color was. I’d dyed it so many times, I had no idea what color it was.

FYI, I did not make a sexy blonde.

“God, look at us,” Amanda mused, looking at the pictures. “You on the gymnastics team. I love how you dressed for that picture.” Amanda laughed.

“I had to be somewhat feminine! My God, to this day, I have a shit-ton of muscle.”

“God, look at Jensen.” Amanda handed me the book.

It was a picture of all of us hanging out by the stoner wall. Jensen had his arm around me and I was smiling. I remembered that day like it was yesterday.

“I swear you spent first period at the wall every day.”

“That’s because they gave me PE for first period and we had to swim. I mean really? Who gives a teenage girl PE for first period?”

“Didn’t you fail it?” Amanda laughed.

“Yes,” I groused. “I was not going to go swimming after spending an hour in front of the mirror.”

“God, you are such a girl.”

“Take that back!” I pointed at Amanda with my beer bottle.

Amanda snickered and took the year book from me. She flipped through the pages and stopped. “God, look at Jensen. He was so young.”

“Can we not talk about him, please?”

“Serena…”

“I just want to put that behind me.”

“You’ve tried. God, if anything, I can read about him in every book you’ve ever published. You don’t see it, but I do. One of your guys is always Jensen. The shy and quiet type.”

“Turns out he wasn’t that shy, huh?” I chuckled.

“Not once he got to know you.” Amanda leaned forward and looked at me. “What you guys had, even at that young, was epic. He loved you and you loved him.”

“Not enough, apparently.”

“Come on, Serena! I saw you guys together!”

“Yeah? And you saw me after he broke my heart!” I shouted. I sighed and rubbed my face with my hands. “I don’t want to talk about it. I just had this conversation with my godmother.”

“Did she read your cards?”

“Yes, and before you ask, Jensen came up in them.”

“Oh my God! Really? So what now?”

“Now I move to Flagstaff and try to come up with a male/female book for my publishing house. I guess were going with a rock band theme.”

“You’re going to write a hetero novel?” Amanda burst into laughter.

“Don’t laugh so hard.” I glared at her.

“When was the last time you actually had sex?”

“I don’t fucking know. It’s not like I write it down on the calendar.”

“Well, be careful with whoever you fuck. I can see it now, he’ll be dressed like Indiana Jones and fighting the bats that fly out of your vagina.”

“Don’t forget the cobwebs and moths,” I added.

“Wearing a head lamp.”

We busted out laughing.

I ended up on the couch with Amanda, watching eighties movies. I was on my sixth Corona and had polished off half of my cheesecake. My mind drifted to the book I was supposed to write. How the hell was I going to pull off a hetero book? I don’t believe in male/female relationships anymore. That was why I was so good at writing two men in love.

“Serena?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for coming to see me. I missed you, girl.”

I turned to look at Amanda with a smile.

“Missed you too, Bitch.”