Billy hadn’t chickened out. Okay, he might have been a little scared, but… But he truly didn’t think Liam would look at him with disgust afterwards. He didn’t seem to be disgusted by anything else in Billy’s past.
Liam accepted him as he was, and he kind of already knew some of Billy’s history.
Surely hearing the rest of it wouldn’t make Liam not want him anymore. Billy didn’t think he could stand it, seeing Liam look at him as if he was dirty—which was how Billy still felt in his darkest moment, although those were rarer since he’d met Liam.
He needed to know for sure that Liam accepted him, all of him, before he committed to moving in with Liam. Billy wanted to, really, really badly. Just thinking about it made him want to jump up and do a little dance.
Which maybe he didn’t contain so well. He
might
have wriggled his hips, because a zing of pure
yum
went from his balls to his cock then bounced right up to his brain.
And a big, rough palm clenched on his ass cheek.
Billy craned his head back, unsurprised to find Liam’s eyes open in narrow slits, and a slight grin teasing the edges of his lips. Liam was fucking hot, and Billy’s nerve endings were pinging, more than ready to play all over again.
But they were going to have to wait, all those damned demanding little nerves. Billy wanted more than temporary pleasure, he wanted complete acceptance, the total package, which, since that was what he would always give Liam, didn’t seem wrong to expect for himself.
So instead of dragging Liam off to the bedroom where the supplies were, Billy eased himself up and off Liam’s lap. The smile only felt a little forced when Billy looked at Liam, but the soft glow of affection in Liam’s expression eased away the last bit of fear poking at Billy.
Liam was a good man, he wouldn’t be disgusted, Billy reminded himself. And it wasn’t like Billy was a murderer or anything, he’d just… Well, he’d done what he’d needed to in www.total-e-bound.com
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order to survive. If it made him feel tainted, kind of worthless at times, he was dealing with it. Hopefully Liam wouldn’t feel like Billy was scuzzy or permanently stained by his past.
He won’t.
It was time to lay out the past so they could move forward.
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As an FBI agent, Liam had no doubt encountered a lot of the worst sides of people, the cruel and unnatural acts they’d commit for their own twisted reasons. Billy figured his own story wouldn’t be as bad as much of it, and it probably wasn’t as uncommon as it should be.
Lots of kids had horrible childhoods; the sheer number of runaways on the streets was proof enough of the truth of that.
Sure, occasionally he’d met one who’d had a decent home life, who’d just been messed up regardless, but for the most part they were all victims of the ones who were supposed to love and care for them. It was a sad fact, one generally unaddressed in society, as far as Billy was concerned. Too many kids, unwanted, victims at home and on the streets. It broke Billy’s heart, and sometimes he’d lie awake, haunted by memories and thinking
what ifs
.
What if Xavier hadn’t found him, hadn’t felt whatever pull it was to help Billy? What if Billy hadn’t left home to begin with? What if he’d been out there, one more night, one more day?
The answer was always the same—he’d likely be dead, either killed by a trick or a disease, or an addiction. He’d already been flirting with drugs by the time Xavier had come along. Billy would have done just about anything to dull the constant ache in his soul at by then.
Which was why he’d let Xavier take him away. He’d been scared, sure, but he’d also figured, if Xavier turned out to be some psycho killer, at least Billy wouldn’t be hurting any more. It had taken him a long time to believe in Xavier, and even longer to believe in himself—he was still working on liking himself and being confident in who he was. And he was still finding out who he was.
But, Billy thought as he looked up into Liam’s gorgeous eyes, he trusted Liam. He’d got to Billy almost in a heartbeat. There was just something about him, some intrinsic vein of honesty in him, and Liam fairly glowed from within because of it.
“I want to tell you,” Billy blurted then almost slapped his hand over his mouth. He hadn’t meant to start just yet, or maybe not that way, but Liam’s expression softened, and his www.total-e-bound.com
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strong arms felt so good around Billy, holding him securely, lovingly. Billy tipped his head down, pressed it to Liam’s shoulder. He inhaled deeply, drawing Liam’s scent into himself.
The familiar aroma settled the last of Billy’s skittering nerves, and he found himself talking again, the past just spilling out in an emotionless voice. These were only facts to be passed along; they no longer hurt Billy, burrowing into him like jagged hooks sinking into his very essence. Xavier had, through patience and love, started the healing process, rooting out each painful hook carefully. And Liam… Liam was the salve that soothed the wounds, binding them closed.
“I don’t remember my mother much, except I think she loved me, you know.” Billy could remember feeling secure, happy even, although the reasons for it were vague, shadowy images of a smiling woman and a soothing voice. Then there was a crushing sense of loss. “She died when I was two, almost three. There was a fire in our apartment building; a neighbour fell asleep while smoking. I don’t remember it—” and he’d tried, wanting a last memory of his mother, but nothing ever formed in his head about the night she died. “Mom got me out, left me with someone. I don’t know why she went back in. Maybe there were other people still inside.”
Liam’s lips brushed over his temple, warm and soft, a world of comfort in the gentle kiss. “Billy,” Liam began, tracing soothing patterns on Billy’s back. “It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me anything. It’s enough to have you, to hold you. That’s all I need.”
The confession caused Billy’s throat to tighten, but he shook his head a little. “I want to.” He needed to. Billy swallowed and continued. “After Mom died, I was handed over—or taken in, whatever—by her sister, Aunt Lena, and Lena’s husband Jeff.” Billy stopped and thought back, making sure he had everything as clear as he could in his memory.
“By all accounts, I was a pretty difficult child. Certainly my first memories of living with Lena and Jeff are of me throwing a fit, screaming at her. She was so… I remember being so angry, because she wasn’t my mother, wasn’t anything like my mother. She was so cold, always looking at me like I was some scuzz growing in her house.
“It wasn’t until I was older she told me she’d only taken me in because Jeff insisted. Jeff was…” Billy pulled up the man’s image behind his closed lids. Tall, a little chubby, but a decent enough guy. “He was nice to me, even when I was being a shit. As long as he was there, things weren’t so bad, I guess. Lena ignored me, at least for the most part. Then one day he didn’t come home from work—I was about six by then, and pretty much used to www.total-e-bound.com
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doing for myself unless Jeff was around. Turns out, he’d had enough of Lena, and me, I guess. He took off with his secretary.” Billy snorted, even though the memory still panged him a bit. “What a cliché, right?” He peered at Liam, but only for a second. The sympathy he saw was too much. Billy blinked back tears and rushed on, afraid if Liam spoke at all he’d just break down.
“From then on, Lena wasn’t just cold, she was outright hateful. She blamed me for Jeff leaving, and maybe she was right. They didn’t have any kids, and maybe it was too much, having me there, pitching fits and making their life hell.” Billy shrugged.
“Did they—or Jeff at least, try to get you any help? Try to find out why you were acting out?” Liam asked, his voice thick with anger. “Although they’d have to be idiots not to realise you were suffering, both from the loss of your mother and from being cared for by a cold-hearted bitch.” Liam tipped Billy’s chin up, stroking along Billy’s jaw with his thumb.
“And this Jeff, he doesn’t sound like he was much of a man before he ran off. He was either a blind idiot, or he was so whipped—”
“A mix of both, I think,” Billy cut in. “He would occasionally stand up to Lena, which is no doubt how I ended up with them, but most of the time he just let her rant or whatever then did what he wanted.”
Liam’s brow scrunched as he frowned at Billy. “Where was your dad in all of this? Was he…” Liam paused, seeming to rethink what he’d started to say. “Why wasn’t he around?”
Billy had been prepared for the question, was surprised Liam had waited to ask. “Ah, yeah, Lena always told me she hated me because my mother was raped—and that’s how I was conceived. The rapist—” no way would Billy ever call the man his father—“was arrested. He was a repeat offender, and obviously too stupid to wear a condom. He’s still in prison. My mother wasn’t the only woman he hurt after he got out the second time. I don’t know why she kept me, you know, why she didn’t have an abortion. Lena couldn’t understand it, either, and—”
And Billy was shaking now, or Liam was. It might have been them both, he couldn’t tell. He wished he could ask his mother how she’d not held the rape against him.
Intellectually, Billy knew her assault wasn’t his fault in the least, but he’d still been a constant reminder, hadn’t he? Sometimes he wondered if he’d been the reason she’d ran back into the burning building.
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“She loved you,” Liam whispered, “the why doesn’t matter. Just remember, she loved you.” More kisses lined Billy’s face, scattered over his eyelids, his nose, his cheeks, before Liam pressed his lips to Billy’s.
Billy clung to his lover, soaking in the tenderness offered, sighing softly when Liam wiped the moisture from his cheeks. He felt the loss of it when Liam pull away. Liam’s expression looked carefully neutral, as if held in place to cover much stronger emotions.
“Lena told you, about your mother.”
It wasn’t really a question, but Billy nodded anyway. “Yeah, not long after Jeff took off.
I didn’t know what it meant, when she said my mother had been raped, but Lena made sure I understood soon enough. She also made sure I knew my mom had been hurt badly, and I was a mistake who shouldn’t have ever been born. And she drove those facts home almost constantly over the next several years.”
“What a bitch,” Liam muttered, anger bleeding through his calm façade. “What a fucking—”
“She died a few years ago,” Billy said, thinking it might curb Liam’s anger. It didn’t seem to, if the tension in his big body was anything to go by. “It was on the news, that’s how I saw it. She caught her boyfriend with another woman, and Lena killed both of them and herself.” Billy was actually only surprised by the fact that she’d caught her boyfriend with a woman. She’d had a penchant for picking men—after Jeff—who’d seemed to like a little bit of something on the more masculine side. And Billy would know.
Liam grunted but didn’t look the least bit placated. Billy wriggled and managed to sit up. This next part was harder, because yeah, he’d been a kid, but he’d always felt like he shouldn’t have let it happen. He hadn’t fought, had been so desperate for someone to want him, in any way. Just to be touched, held, he’d been an easy victim and he absolutely had to learn not to blame himself. He’d been a kid, and if someone molested a kid he knew? Billy would seriously maim the perv. And he wouldn’t blame the kid, so he had to stop blaming himself. It sounded so simple in his mind when he thought of it in terms of it happening to someone else, but it was so fucking hard to absolve himself of the feelings of guilt and wrong-doing.
Billy tugged at Liam’s forearms until he reluctantly released him. He scooted back a little more so he didn’t have to crane his neck quite so much to look at Liam. Then he tore the bandage off, so to speak. “When I figured out I was gay, which I knew was something else www.total-e-bound.com
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Lena would hate me for, I was angry—at myself, for being fucked up—” Billy put his hand up when Liam started to speak. “I know, now. Being gay doesn’t make me fucked up, but back then, with Lena either spewing hatred at me or flat out ignoring me, it seemed like one more thing that was wrong with me. Then one night, Lena brought home this guy…”
Liam stiffened instantly, his eyes narrowing to slits. “Who? I swear to God, I will kill him.”
Liam spoke so calmly, so quietly, and Billy shivered with the truth of the words. He shook his head, dropping his shaking hand to his lap. “It wasn’t like that at first. The guy, he—” Billy struggled to come up with the right words, but they all jumbled together in his chest. He coughed, as if he could clear them out. As silly as it seemed, it worked. Billy slumped a little and glanced down at his hands. “I was so angry, I can’t tell you, and so—I just wanted to matter to someone, wanted someone to see me and give a damn if I existed, maybe even be glad I was alive. The guy was older, and there was something when he looked at me. I was… My hair was longer, and I was—” Billy’s cheeks heated as he darted a look at Liam. “Well, I’d been told more than once I looked like a girl. It was one of Lena’s favourite insults, along with me being the cause of all the evil in the world and such. So when the man looked at me, he maybe thought I was a girl. At first.”
Liam’s tanned skin had gone several shades lighter, and he was shaking his head.
Billy’s heart squeezed painfully. Maybe Liam wouldn’t be able to forgive him his past after all, but Billy couldn’t stop the telling of it, not now. “So, this older guy was checking me out, although not too obviously. He was the first person to really pay attention to me, you know, since Jeff. At school I was pretty much invisible—safer for the little gay boy not to stand out.