“So here was this older, attractive man, and he was nice to me every time he came over, and Lena wasn’t exactly nice to me when he was there, but she didn’t insult me until he’d left. Then of course the shit started again, like it had built up in her from her trying to play like she wasn’t a total bitch while he was around. God, the stuff that spewed from her mouth!” Billy had been on the verge of killing himself and just getting it over with when Lena’s new boyfriend had started visiting. Then he’d decided to live, even if it’d only been to hurt Lena back.
“Who was he?” Liam asked again, and Billy couldn’t have refused to answer if his life depended on it.
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“John something, I don’t remember,” Billy muttered. Liam’s expression didn’t chance.
Did he think Billy would lie about this? “I don’t!” Billy almost whined, “She never introduced us, and only called him John, so John’s what I knew him as!”
Liam hissed out a long breath before he seemed to gather himself enough to speak.
“How old were you?”
Billy swallowed nervously as sweat slicked his palms. Now Liam was going to find out he’d been a slut from the get-go, wasn’t he? “Fourteen, but I knew—I spent a lot of time online watching porn, looking at pictures, reading stories. I knew about sex, and you know, I was a horny kid, but I didn’t want what happened to happen. I just thought it meant John cared,” Billy finished off lamely.
Then he forced the rest of it out. “And I was so lonely, you know? I didn’t have friends.
Lena wouldn’t let me go anywhere, wouldn’t let anyone come over even if I’d had friends.
She was always threatening to throw me out on the streets, said I’d be bait for every pervert out there, and I’d end up like my mother, raped and dead. I just… I just…thought it meant someone cared.” Billy closed his eyes and shook his head, unable to continue as a sob ripped from his chest.
Liam cursed soundly, and Billy thought he’d really fucked everything up by telling Liam. Then those strong arms were closing around him, and Billy was being lifted, held and cradled in Liam’s lap. “Billy, that John asshole, he knew what he was doing. You didn’t seduce him. He manipulated you, maybe even with Lena’s help for all we know. He was a paedophile, and he knew how to make you feel special, how to get you to think it was
you
seducing
him
. A real man, one who wasn’t a gutless goddamned pervert, would never have had sex with a child, wouldn’t have even been tempted!”
Liam’s voice had grown louder with each word, until he was almost shouting at the end. Billy huddled in closer, trying to process what Liam was saying, but he’d carried the guilt for so many years it’d grown long, spiky tendrils that couldn’t easily be prised free of him. “He wasn’t the only one,” Billy finally forced out. “I—there were two more, Lena’s next two boyfriends. I didn’t even try to say no to them after the first couple times, so I’m guilty—”
“No!” Liam wasn’t almost shouting now. Billy’s ears rang from the force of Liam’s denial. “Don’t even! I want names, because I would be willing to bet my savings, my career www.total-e-bound.com
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even, that those three men all knew each other, and they weren’t Lena’s boyfriends so much as customers she pimped you out to. Tell me, where did the sex usually take place?”
Billy shuddered, thinking of the last time, the one who’d sent him running. “Usually in my room, when Lena was working late or whatever, and her boyfriends came over early. The last guy, he was—” Maybe Billy didn’t really want to go there.
Except Liam wasn’t going to let him
not
. “He was what, Billy? Tell me, baby, give me a chance to help you believe in me.”
Billy frowned and tried to figure out what Liam meant. He couldn’t, not with so much chaos in his head. “What do you mean?”
Liam’s lips brushed over his own, once, twice. “I mean, trust me to still want you, to still love you, to understand all the pain you’ve been through, are still going through…”
Billy didn’t hear the rest of what Liam was saying, because three words had slammed into his brain and scattered everything else out. ‘Still love you’, Liam had said. Still. Love.
You.
Still.
Liam loved him, had before this, and would after.
That’s what he meant, right?
The already weakened dam burst in Billy, the rest of the tale leading up to Xavier finding him spilling out in rapid sentences.
The last boyfriend of Lena’s…or the last man she pimped Billy to, maybe—had been a man Billy was told to call George. And George had been a mean, big-dicked son of a bitch who took particular delight in hurting Billy. Billy hadn’t known how to get out of the situation, believing he’d asked for the abuse and assaults with his need for attention. When he’d tried to tell George he didn’t want to do it any more, George hadn’t yelled or protested.
No, he’d just calmly grabbed Billy and proceeded to hit him and choke him unconscious, which was probably for the best, considering the way his body, especially those parts, hurt when he came to.
There’d been no way he could have kept what happened from Lena, and so Billy had thought to beat her to the punch, once he could actually get up off the floor. He’d cleaned himself as best he could, taken what little money he had stashed and a backpack full of clothes, and he’d left.
Within twenty-four hours, his backpack had been stolen, he’d got several new bruises, and he was desperate enough to start giving cheap hand jobs and blow jobs in alleys and occasionally in a bathroom. Billy had managed to live, or survive, rather, for months, www.total-e-bound.com
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refusing to do any more unless he absolutely couldn’t get out of it. He told himself those times it wasn’t rape because he wasn’t fighting; he’d given in.
Liam didn’t agree, and as Billy listened to him he found himself being convinced. It didn’t make him feel less ashamed, at least not right then, but he
did
feel less guilty, which was something.
“Then Xavier just appeared one day, like my own personal saviour,” Billy rasped, his throat raw from talking and sobbing. “I was in the alley behind this busy gay club in Houston, and there were two men trying to convince me to take it bare. I kept refusing, and one of them swung at me, then all hell broke loose. Next thing I know, those two guys were down and out, and this big, scary man was scowling at me and telling me to pull my pants up and follow him. I was too scared not to.” Billy smiled wanly at the memory of that night.
“I thought he wanted me for, you know. Took me a long time to realise Xav wasn’t a perv.
Then when he brought me here—said he wanted me away from the streets, the bad memories—I finally started to trust him, I guess.”
Liam grumbled but kept Billy held tightly on his lap. “Did Xavier at least try to get you help?”
Billy recalled Xav’s unsuccessful attempts to get him to participate in therapy. “He couldn’t make me talk to anyone. I was just as much a shit to him when I first moved in with him as I was to Lena. I kept waiting for him to touch me wrong, or tell me to drop to my knees. He never did, obviously. Xavier has a lot more patience than most people realise.
Randy used to be okay, too, believe it or not. Guess the drugs fucked his head up permanently.”
“Randy,” Liam muttered. “
Him
I can get my hands on. I know exactly where that fucker is.”
“Leave him alone,” Billy said firmly. “He’s going to be punished by the courts, hopefully. I don’t want to dwell on the past, and I don’t want you to dwell on my past, either. We have a future together, right? If you still want me to move in with you?”
Some of the anger drained from Liam’s expression as he looked at Billy. “We do. I do—
still want you to live with me. There’s nothing you could tell me to make me change my mind.” Then the anger reappeared, although it was tempered by the gentle way Liam held him. “I still want you to try to remember what you can about those men. What they looked like, where they lived or worked, anything. You never know what might help me find out www.total-e-bound.com
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who they are. Not—” Liam stressed the word “—so I can hunt them down and peel the skin off their bodies, although I’d love to. But because they are very likely to still be out there, molesting innocent kids.”
Billy’s stomach roiled. He hadn’t thought there’d be other victims. He’d always believed he’d seduced three straight men because of his then feminine looks, like Lena and the men had told him. How vain and stupid was he to have believed he was the only one?
“Don’t,” Liam told him, “don’t blame yourself. You didn’t know. You didn’t make those men what they are. They are adults. They knew exactly what they were doing. You were a kid who’d been neglected and verbally abused for most of your life. Don’t blame yourself for not knowing the sick games they were playing.”
Billy nodded, unable to speak as the guilt he’d thought he’d shed returned ten-fold.
Liam might be able to forgive him, but Billy didn’t see how he’d ever be able to forgive himself if another kid was hurt like he’d been, all because Billy had been too stupid, too flattered by the attention, to realise he was being used.
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Liam’s plans to give his notice at work had altered the moment he’d heard about Billy’s past. There were connections Liam could utilise, friends and acquaintances who’d help him out even if they weren’t supposed to. Paedophiles were the most reviled criminals in law enforcement. There were plenty of people who would eagerly and illegally help trace down the men who’d molested Billy.
First, though, he needed to take care of Billy. Hopefully he would take Liam’s suggestion well, in the caring manner it was made. Liam left the bedroom, where he’d gone to make some calls without waking Billy up. Billy was still asleep on the couch, his lashes fanning his cheeks and his lips parted just enough so Liam could see the darker pink of his tongue. He curled his hands up under his chin, and he looked so young and innocent it broke Liam’s heart to think of Billy being abused and neglected, treated like he didn’t matter at all.
Billy deserved more love than he’d ever got, and Liam intended to see to it Billy never lacked for loving again. And Xavier, well Liam owed him a huge thank you. He’d not only saved Billy, but given him stability and a foundation to grow into the amazing man he was already becoming.
Liam knelt beside the couch and just watched Billy for several minutes. The blue was fading from his tips, no longer royal but now more of a turquoise. His nail polish was lighter too, and chipped on a couple of fingers. Liam smiled and brushed a chunk of hair off Billy’s forehead. Billy sighed and opened his eyes slowly, treating Liam to a show of pale blue irises and pitch black pupils.
“Hey,” Billy whispered. He started to frown, a wrinkle marring his brow. Liam leant down and kissed Billy, framing his sweet face with his hands. Billy’s lips parted for him instantly, his nimble tongue twining with Liam’s as a soft moan flowed into Liam’s mouth.
“Hey,” Liam said against Billy’s lips, smiling just because he loved Billy so much. He nuzzled against Billy’s cheek, the rasp of their stubble sending an erotic sizzle down Liam’s spine. Liam shoved his arousal down. There would be time for desire later, years and decades for it, if he had his way.
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If Billy didn’t get mad at him and tell him to get the hell out. Liam didn’t think Billy would throw him out, but before the adoring look Bily was giving him caused Liam to chicken out, he sat back on his butt and draped his forearms over his knees. There wasn’t any easy way to broach the subject as far as he could see, so Liam figured it best just to get it out.
“Would you consider talking to someone about what happened?”
Looks like the answer is
clear enough
. He could tell by the way Billy’s expression shifted from sweet and happy to shuttered in the blink of a second. Liam scooted closer and took both of Billy’s hands in his.
He craned his neck and made sure Billy was looking at him. “It’s not because I think there’s anything wrong with you, Billy. I think you are the most incredible man I’ve ever met. From the first time I saw you in The Xxchange, I knew you were going to change my life in ways no one else ever would. Good ways, amazing ways, and you have and will. But,” Liam willed Billy to listen, to believe, “I also think you’re blaming yourself for things that weren’t your fault. I’m not a psychiatrist, and I could be wrong. If I am, tell me, but if I’m not, will you please consider getting some help dealing with your past? I’ll help you as much as I can but—”
Billy shook his head. “Liam, stop already.”
Liam snapped his mouth shut and swallowed down any more pleas. He’d hoped Billy would understand, but apparently not.
Billy tugged his hands free and Liam almost panicked as Billy sat up. “Billy, I didn’t mean to push. I just want what’s best for you and I’m new at this whole loving someone besides family thing and I’m sorry I screwed up.”
Billy arched his eyebrows and his full lips twitched. He patted the cushion beside him.
“Sit down before you keel over from lack of oxygen.”
Liam sat and Billy snuggled against his side. Liam breathed a sigh of relief. He couldn’t have fucked up too badly if Billy was still willing to cuddle.
“I’ll go,” Billy mumbled, “if for no other reason than to keep you from thinking you screwed up.”
“That’s not the reason I want you to go—” Liam began, only to stop sputtering when Billy chuckled.
“I know, I was teasing.” He scooted closer, then closer still until he was straddling Liam’s lap. Billy hummed softly, almost a purr really, then he pressed his chest to Liam’s and spoke against his ear. “I’ll go because I know I have to stop blaming myself, and because I www.total-e-bound.com