A Blink of the Screen (33 page)

‘Er … nevertheless, Mr Pessimal does point out that Brazeneck is attracting students, to the general benefit of the city,’ said Ponder. ‘In fact he suggests that we ourselves might even consider, er, advertising for students.’ He paused, because of the sudden frigid quality of the atmosphere, and plunged on: ‘In order to attract young men, in fact, who would not normally consider wizarding as a profession. He notes that Brazeneck gives all new students a free crystal ball and a voucher for a free frog or frog-like creature.’

‘Make ourselves
attractive
to students?’ said the Archchancellor. ‘Mister Stibbons, the whole Idea of a university is that it should be
hard
to get into. Remember Dean Rouster? He used to set
traps
to stop students attending his lectures! “I’ll tap talent from all backgrounds”, he used to say, “but a lad who can’t spot a tripwire is no good to me!” He reckoned any student who didn’t open a door very carefully and look where he’s putting his feet would only be a burden to the profession. You see, trying to be nice to students means you end up with courses like Comparative Fretwork and graduates who think “thank you” is one word and can look at a sign sayin’ “Human Resources Department” without detecting a whiff of brimstone.’

‘I have to tell you, sir, that Mr Pessimal is suggesting that we accept an intake of forty per cent non-traditional students,’ said Ponder Stibbons.

‘What does that mean?’ said the Senior Wrangler.

‘Well, er …’ Ponder began, but the council had already resorted to definition-by-hubbub.

‘We take in all sorts as it is,’ said the Dean.

‘Does he mean people who are not
traditionally
good at magic?’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.

‘Ridiculous!’ said the Dean. ‘Forty per cent duffers?’

‘Exactly!’ said the Archchancellor. ‘That means we’d have to find enough clever people to make up
over half the student intake
! We’d never manage it. If they were clever already, they wouldn’t need to go to university! No, we’ll stick to an intake of one hundred per cent young fools, thank you. Bring ’em in stupid, send them away clever, that’s the UU way!’

‘Some of them arrive
thinking
they’re clever, of course,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.

‘Yes, but we soon disabuse them of that,’ said the Dean happily. ‘What is a university for if it isn’t to tell you that everything you think you know is wrong?’

‘Well put, that man!’ said Ridcully. ‘Ignorance is the key! That’s how the Dean got where he is today!’

‘Thank you, Archchancellor,’ said the Dean. ‘I shall take that as a compliment. Carefully directed ignorance is the key to all knowledge.’

‘I think the inspector means people who by accident of birth, upbringing, background or early education would not meet the usual entrance requirements,’ said Ponder, quickly.

‘Really? Good idea,’ said Ridcully. ‘And are we to take it that for his part he intends to make a point of hiring clerks who aren’t very good at sums and file everything under “S” for “stuff “?’

‘He doesn’t appear to say so—’

‘How strange. But, you see, we’re a university, Mr Stibbons, not
a
bandage. We can’t just wave a magic wand and make everything better!’

‘Actually, sir—’

Ridcully waved a hand irritably. ‘Yes, yes, all right, I know. We
can
just wave a magic wand and make everything better. Except, of course, that making everything better by magic only makes things much, much worse!’

‘Interestingly, he does ask if we have an ethics committee,’ said Ponder.

‘Ah, a
committee
,’ said Ridcully. ‘Just so. Well, gentlemen, I think I can gauge the sense of the meeting. I propose that we inform the inspector that we are giving his suggestions our urgent consideration. Put it on the agenda for this time next year, Mr Stibbons. No, perhaps the year after next. You can’t hurry urgency, I’ve always said so.’

MINUTES OF THE MEETING TO FORM THE PROPOSED ANKH-MORPORK FEDERATION OF SCOUTS

A
UGUST 2007

This is, I think, what used to be called in Victorian times a ‘Squib’, and it was written for one of the events put on by Bernard Pearson (also known as the Cunning Artificer), who has his shop in Wincanton, Somerset: to ring the changes he organized a mock jamboree in the playing fields of that fine town in August 2007
.

In his opening remarks, Captain Carrot referred to the current problem of delinquency of young people in the city, which has recently been the subject of many articles in the
Times
.

Miss Partleigh interjected that this was because there was nothing for them to do.

Lord Vetinari observed that in fact there was a vast range of things for them to do, running from petty theft to armed gang warfare, and that therefore the question was one of finding something for them to do that, if at all possible, did not actually involve the death of innocent, or presumably innocent, bystanders.

Mr John Smith said that perhaps there could be something involving hats. In his experience, hats had a remarkable stabilizing effect.

Captain Carrot opined that much of the trouble, even now, was the rivalry between troll and dwarf gangs, although there was some welcome evolution in that now some trolls were joining dwarf gangs and vice versa.

Mr Boggis vouchsafed that some effort should be made to teach newcomers to the city the Ankh-Morpork way of doing things.

Lord Vetinari observed that surely the problem was they had gleefully picked up the Ankh-Morpork way of doing things and were doing these things very enthusiastically.

Captain Carrot told the meeting that Sergeant Detritus had put forward an idea based on the ancient Troll tradition Haruga which roughly translated as ‘Scouts’. These were young male trolls who acted as trackers and lookout men for older warriors. It was, he said, a morale-building opportunity and he had wondered if it could be adapted to this problem.

Mr Boggis said that this very much sounded like the street urchins who worked for his guild, and was a promising idea.

Captain Carrot said the object of the exercise should be to give young people of all shapes and sizes an opportunity to meet together in the absence of heavy weaponry.

Lord Vetinari observed that then what did he propose that they do?

Crysophrase said that he was a scout when he was nothing more than a little lad and it made a troll of him. As he recalled, they spent their time learning tracking and tying knots.

Mr Boggis asked what it was the trolls tracked.

Crysophrase vouchsafed that they tracked dwarfs.

Mr Boggis then enquired what they tied knots in.

Crysophrase said dwarfs.

Lord Vetinari observed that this was probably a good start, but could do with some tweaking of the fine detail. Certainly some activities for some small symbolic rewards might give young people more of a sense of achievement than is engendered by jumping up and down on somebody else’s head.

Miss Band pointed out that young Assassins, by the very fact of their job description, did occasionally have to indulge in activities not far removed from that very thing.

Lord Vetinari observed that they will not be allowed to do this while in the scout hut.

Grag Bashfulsson commented it would be very useful if the organization could promote some moral values to its members, or at the very least, explain to them what these were. It would be nice if the young people could be clean in thought, word and deed.

Sergeant Detritus said that this had been an important part of the troll scouts in order to stop them playing with their clubs all day.

Miss Partleigh said the social background of many of the potential members makes it very difficult for some of them to be clean.

Lord Vetinari observed that this was fine, just so long as they weren’t killing people. Personally, he would be happy to accept cleanliness in deed. They could say and think whatever they wanted. He was
prepared
to put the backing of the city behind this proposal and looked forward to seeing improvement in the behaviour of young males of all species.

Miss Partleigh asked: what about the girls?

Sergeant Detritus said that girls were strictly not allowed, on account of causing a lack of cleanliness in thought, word and deed.

Grag Bashfulsson pointed out that many modern female dwarfs would wish to be recognized as girls.

Captain Carrot said there was no reason, surely, why a similar organization could not be set up for young women. Obviously given the nature of the dwarf approach to apparent sexual orientation, any dwarf could join either the boy scouts or girl scouts but not keep changing from one to the other. He was certain that people from the guilds and other responsible citizens would be happy to donate their time in setting these young people on the proper path. He would be prepared, along with Sergeant Angua, to teach woodcraft and wilderness survival.

Mr Boggis said that surviving in a wilderness was a piece of cake compared to five minutes in an alleyway in Ankh-Morpork, so he for his part would see that young people could also learn how to get down to the shops with all their teeth intact.

At this point there was considerable discussion among the committee about activities that could be arranged, and it was agreed to hold, during the summer, an open-air meeting to launch the Ankh-Morpork Scouting and possibly Urban Survival Federation.

THE ANKH-MORPORK FOOTBALL ASSOCIATION HALL OF FAME PLAYING CARDS

F
AMOUS
F
OOTBALLERS OF
A
NKH
-
M
ORPORK
,
S
EPTEMBER 2009

Another squib! This time it was to celebrate the launch of
Unseen Academicals:
various teams of Discworld fans and locals battled it out on the playing fields of Wincanton, and, as I recall, some of the ladies were somewhat dishevelled, which amazingly enough didn’t interfere with the game. Of course I had to come up with the funny names
.

Unseen Academicals

[ 1 ]
Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully
DThau, DM, DS, DMn, DG, DD, DCL, DMPhil, DMS, DCM, DW, BElL

Sometimes attempts to shout the ball at the
enemy
opposition. Mustrum Ridcully’s preferred technique, however, is to kick the ball at full force at the nearest attacker and collect it again on the rebound as his opponent curls up on the ground. This has caused a number of problems for opposing players until they found a use that could be made of a common metal soup plate, two holes and a length of string.

[69]
Professor Bengo Macarona
DThau (Bug), DMaus (Chubb), Magistaludorum (QIS), Octavium (Hons), PHGK (Blit), DMSK, Mack, DThou (Bra), Visiting Professor in Chickens (Jahn the Conqueror University (Floor 2, Shrimp Packers Building, Genua)), Primo Octo (Deux), Visiting Professor of Blit/Slood Exchanges (Al Khali), KCbfJ, Reciprocating Professor of Blit Theory (Unki), DThau (Unki), Didimus Supremuis (Unki), Emeritus Professor in Blit Substrate Determinations (Chubb), Chair of Blit and Music Studies (Quirm College for Young Ladies)