Authors: Sarah Dosher
Eli Blue
“Get your hands off of her, Christie.” I heard come from behind me.
My mother’s eyes moved to look over my head instead of drilling into me.
“Fuck off, Shaw.” She snapped.
I felt Shaw’s hands engulf my waist and pull me to his side. Even though I didn’t want it to, it felt good—safe. I knew him, the feel of his entire being.
“I think you need to calm down, get in your piece of shit car, and drive away. Attacking your daughter won’t get you any favors.” He said coldly.
“Of course, take her side. Everyone always took their side, her and her shitty dad. No one ever listens to me. No one cares about me.” She whined, the sound raking against my eardrums like nails on a chalkboard.
“Grow up, mother!” I shouted. “Grow up and be an adult, for once in your miserable life, and then maybe someone would actually listen to what you have to say.”
My eyes were burning, and I could feel tears welling in my throat. Swallowing, I tried to push them down, but they felt like a hand squeezing tighter and tighter until I felt a single tear roll down my cheek.
“Fuck! Don’t cry. Not the fucking tears, I can’t handle them! Every single time.” She groaned then ran her hands through her greasy hair.
“Leave, Christie, right now!” Shaw demanded.
He pushed me behind him and took two steps toward her. Shaw wasn’t a violent man, but most knew not to fuck with him, or what he considered his. In all the years I’d known him, I’d never seen him in an actual fight, usually all he had to do was stand up and everyone backed down.
Shaw was a big guy, everything about him was large. He was 6’5” with broad shoulders and bulging muscles. He’d been tall and broad ever since I could remember, even as my best friend at the age of three he had been the one to sneak in cookie jar because I couldn’t reach it. But the muscles, they were an addition that came later in our teen years, and I’d appreciated them even more than the cookies.
My mother leaned around Shaw and pointed in my face.
“One day you’ll get what’s coming to you for dishonoring me, your father did. But you, little princess, yours will be even worse.” She snarled and spit flew from her mouth like a rabid dog.
“Enough!” Shaw shouted and pushed her away. A low guttural sound was coming from him, and I knew he’d had enough. Apparently, so did my mother because she quickly retreated and disappeared down the tree-lined road.
“Come here, baby, I’m so sorry.” Shaw pulled me into his strong arms, and I felt myself relax into him. He’d hurt me, but I couldn’t hate him. Not loving Shaw was like cutting my own arm off; I knew I’d never be able to live without him. No matter what happened between us romantically, he was still one of the only people I truly trusted to be there for me. I didn’t trust him with my heart anymore, but he’d picked me up, broken and battered, more times than I could count, and I knew he always would, no matter what.
I pushed my face into his shirt and inhaled his familiar scent and even that had changed about him with time. The tears were back, and even stronger than before. Everything was wrong. I didn’t know how my heart was still beating and hadn’t given up the fighting yet. The tears streamed down my face and pooled in his overly expensive button down blue shirt I was positive he’d worn just for me.
“Shh, baby it’s okay. She’s gone.” He said as he ran his hand under my cami to soothe my back, skin to skin. His touch was nice, exactly what I needed, even if it wasn’t who I wanted it to be.
Needs and wants are a strange concoction of carnality and common sense that were never meant to exist harmoniously. I’d lived my entire life focused on what everyone else needed, and never what I wanted. Then, the one time I gave in to my wants, they disappeared at the beck and call of a girl named Angela. I vowed to worry more about myself and less about everyone else because if I didn’t, then who would.
“What are you doing here?”
“After the other night, I just needed to see you, and I couldn’t stay away any longer. I stopped by the office and they said you weren’t in yet…so here I am.”
“I’m so glad you’re here.” I told him and felt his body relax against me.
“Well that’s shocking for me to hear, but I’m glad to hear it.”
I looked up at him and he smiled. His dark eyes searched my face, trying to understand my emotions. He wiped the dampness from my cheeks then held my face tilted up toward his. Tears continued to silently trickle down my face.
“Tell me what’s going on. This can’t be just about your mother.” He paused, “Is this about Chastain? What’s going on with you two? I told you, he’s trouble.”
I lightly shook my head and he released me. “No, nothing’s going on with us.” At least that wasn’t a lie now. “I’m just a big bundle of emotions for some reason. I’m sorry you have to see me like this.”
He let out an amused grunt. “I’m not. You’re always so guarded; I want to see you real. I know you feel, Elizabeth, you just don’t ever show me. You hide everything from me, the good and the bad.”
“Have I ever told you how much I love you?” I said with a teasing smile.
“Not for quite some time.” He smiled back. “But, I suppose, that has more to do with my fuck-ups than it does you.”
“You do fuck up, Shaw. But I will always love the part of you that still loves me: my friend, not my boyfriend.” I admitted because it was the truth, and always had been.
“Those two people are separate?” He questioned.
“To me they are. The boy that helped chase away the boogie monster is not the same man that was unfaithful to me.” I released a stream of bitterness from my lungs. “They can’t be the same because I can’t lose that boy—I need him.”
My voice cracked and the tears came faster, and with more intensity. This was the first honest conversation we’d had in a long time. I’d lost the friend side of Shaw too long ago to even remember, but now I knew I needed him. I finally saw I needed my friend more than I ever truly understood. The funny thing was I think I’d owed the revelation to Deacon and my mother: you don’t realize how much you need the people you love until you’re screwed over by the people that don’t love you.
“I love you, too.” He said, with pain so clearly etched on his face, I knew his heart was hurting as much as mine. “I always have.”
He leaned down and placed his lips on my forehead, and I leaned into his kiss.
“Can we do something today? Just us.” I asked.
“Don’t you have work?” he questioned.
“I need a mental health day.” I said with a smile. “I need a ‘Shaw day off.’ Just me and my friend.”
He smiled again, and it was beaming. “Me too, baby, me too.”
He lightly touched his lips to mine, and I let him because I needed it. I needed to feel the connection we’d once had, not only the physical one, but the emotional one. I felt completely lost, and I needed an anchor back to who I was, and only Shaw could do that for me.
I heard the front door close and looked to see Willow and Duke standing on the steps, staring at us. The look on their faces was that of total confusion, and I truly understood because I felt the same way. My emotions were giving me mental whiplash.
“Umm, good morning?” Willow finally said, sounding more like a question than a greeting.
“Good morning, Will.” Shaw returned, completely oblivious to the reason for her confusion.
“What are you doing here, Shaw?” Willow asked with a slight accusatory tone, but her eyes were on me the entire time she walked to us.
“I stopped by looking for Elizabeth, good thing, too, because Christie was here.” He answered then looked to Duke. “Hey man, I’m Shaw. We haven’t officially met, but I’ve seen your show before.”
Duke’s eyes went from Shaw, to me, and then back. “Hey, umm hi. Do you work with Eli?” He asked.
“Sometimes.” Shaw answered with a laugh, finally noticing the awkwardness, and after the encounter with Deacon yesterday I think he understood it.
“I’ll explain.” Willow told Duke, “Well, I’ll try to explain because I don’t understand them either.”
Willow moved to me and pulled me aside to wrap her arms around my waist and whisper in my ear. “I’m sorry your mother was here.”
I nodded and whispered back, “Thanks.”
“I have no clue what’s going on, sweetie, but be careful okay? I don’t want you hurt…again. I don’t know why you’d even be talking to him, much less looking all chummy right now; he doesn’t deserve your love. Hell, he doesn’t even deserve your forgiveness.”
“Willow, I gave him that a long time ago.” I said, pushing away from her. “I forgave him because of all the things right he’d done, instead of hating him for the one thing he’d done wrong.”
She stared straight into my eyes for several seconds before she must have finally seen what she was looking for,or simply gave up. She nodded and reached for Duke’s hand.
“Let’s go, you owe me pancakes.” She pulled him toward her car.
“So what do we want to do today?” I asked Shaw, suddenly feeling giddy at the idea of ignoring my problems for one fun filled day.
“What do you want to do?” He replied with a mischievous look.
“Ooh, do I get to pick? Yeah, let me pick, let me pick.” I said, bouncing up and down on my toes.
He shook his head and laughed at me, “What has gotten into you?”
I stopped bouncing and stared at him. “What do you mean?”
“You’re happy, like the old Elizabeth.” He said and pulled me into a hug I willingly accepted.
We climbed into his overpriced Range Rover and headed down the freeway.
“We’re gonna have to talk about what this is really about at some point.” He said after we’d been driving for awhile.
I groaned. “I know, but can we enjoy ourselves for a while? Pretend we’re just two normal people driving to the beach for a day of fun, and not who we really are.”
“Baby, we can pretend all day if that’s what you want. I just don’t know if that’s what’s best for you.” He placed his hand over mine and brought it to his lips.
“I love when you do that.” I said, and immediately wondered when the filter between my brain and my mouth had broken.
“When I do what?” He asked with a smirk that was sexy as hell.
“When you’re sweet; when you care.” I answered because it was too late to stop being honest now.
“I’m sorry I ever stopped being sweet.” He sighed. “Elizabeth, no matter what I’ve ever done to you, I never stopped loving you. I need you to know that.”
I squeezed his hand, “I know, I promise I do.”
“I was just a scared coward.” He barely whispered.
“Scared? Of what?”
“Us. How strongly I felt for you, how much I’ve loved you since we were young, and I was never sure you felt the same way—you’re hard to love sometimes.” He released my hand and placed it on his leg. “But I should have never hurt you, all I’ve ever needed is you.”
I smiled at him because I’d felt that way, too…once. “Shaw, sometimes I think we’re better friends than lovers.” He raised an eyebrow at me. “Yeah, okay, so we’re great at the physical part of being lovers, but it seems to mess everything up. Our love as friends is much stronger.”
“No. We can be great; I just need you to give me one last chance. I know we can be more.”
I stared at him, not sure what to say. Deep inside I felt hope and excitement brewing at the thought of us again. But another part of me could never believe it would work, I just didn’t trust him now, and I didn’t know if I ever could again. Blue eyes flashed through my mind, followed by an echo of the word Angela – I pushed both of them aside, they didn’t matter now.
I moved my hand off his leg, but he caught it midair and put it back, laying his hand on top of mine. “I won’t take no for an answer, baby. I know you want this, too. You’re just scared, and I don’t blame you for that. But give me one more chance, you don’t have to trust me now, just give me a chance to win your trust back. Because I will.”
I didn’t say anything; I just nodded, knowing that’s the answer he wanted.
Time passed slowly the last part of our drive, he didn’t bring it up again, and I tried to stop the anxiety that kept building as his words churned and spun around in my head. One minute I was willing to trust him, then memories of the overwhelming hurt I’d once felt at his betrayal would shatter that trust again. But I’d tried, even if it was briefly, to open myself up to a different life, a different man, and he’d left me the first chance he got after I’d opened up about everything with my dad. At least with Shaw I knew what I was getting.
Chapter Fourteen
Eli Blue
We pulled down the long drive that led to his beach house. It was flanked with tall trees with large pink blooms on them. I rolled down the window and could immediately smell their sweet scent. I was exactly where I was meant to be today, I had no doubts because everything felt so right. But that didn’t mean tomorrow would be the same; I just knew today I wanted to be here with Shaw.
The road opened into a circular drive where I saw Dave’s Mercedes parked. I looked at Shaw and he didn’t look pleased.
“Sorry, I didn’t know he was here.”
“It’s fine, I haven’t seen him in a while—I’ve missed him, too.”
We’d barely made it through the front door when we were greeted by a half dressed, busty blonde that didn’t look happy to see us. The snarl on her face stopped me dead in my tracks.
“Umm, like…what are you doing here?” She asked in a perfect airheaded tone.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” I shouted at her. “It’s not enough you slept with Shaw, but now you’re here with Dave?”
“Where’s my dad?” Shaw muttered, walking past her.
The girl didn’t look amused and took off after him.
“Dad?” Shaw hollered.
“Dave?” She shrieked two steps behind him.
I frowned and followed after them.
“Son, what are you doing here?” I heard Dave ask cheerfully as I entered the breakfast area and saw him lounging by the large bay windows with his coffee cup. His eyes moved from Shaw, to me, and then to the girl and the huge smile on his face faded.