“Mili.” He said her name. It felt like an invasion, like a violation. “Mili, please, can you look at me?”
When the flames of hell burn me to ashes.
She tried to get past him. She had to get out of the room. He held her arm. She yanked it away with so much force her sleeve ripped in his fingers. She started shaking. Every muscle, every cell in her body started shaking. Kim had given her the blouse this morning. It belonged to Sara. Mili had loved the flowers. They were so beautiful. She had wanted to wear something beautiful. For him. Pain choked her throat. But she would not sob. She studied the tear on her sleeve. She could fix it. A needle and thread was all it would take. She could fix it.
“Mili. Please. I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay, it’s a small tear. I can fix it.”
He tried to hold her again.
She stepped back, pushing him away with as much force as she could muster in her shaking arms. “Don’t touch me. Don’t. Ever. Touch. Me. Again.” Her voice cracked and she clenched her jaw tight. If she broke now she would never forgive herself.
“You have to listen to me. Please.”
She spun around and faced him. “What is it you want to say to me? That your last name is Rathod? That your brother’s name is Virat? That you knew all along that I was married? That you are . . . you are . . . my brother-in-law.” Her voice shook again but she did not let it crack.
Oh God. Samir was her brother-in-law. She had just slept with her brother-in-law.
She had never felt so filthy, so used. Last night she had finally accepted that her marriage was over. In her past. A past she would never go back to for anything. She’d realized what she felt for Samir was not just friendship and even for just one day she had wanted to know what it would be like to be his, to let him be hers.
But what had happened between them. God, what could she even call that?
“I am not your brother-in-law.”
“I am married to your brother. Where I come from it’s called a brother-in-law. Where I come from, that’s higher than a brother. More sacred. Oh God, Samir, I’m your
bhabhi.
And you knew. How could you do this?”
“Mili, listen to me. You were never married. That was not a marriage. It’s not even legal.”
“So you came all this way to tell me that my marriage isn’t legal? And because I was so stupid you thought it would be fun to seduce me. And because your brother marrying me and never wanting me wasn’t enough you thought you’d break my heart too? Two times over?”
She was not crying. She was never crying again. But her insides hurt so much, she wished for physical pain; she wished for a twisted foot, a broken wrist. Suddenly something struck her.
“Why did you come here, Samir? Did you come after me? Did Virat send you? For twenty years I waited for your brother to come get me. I fooled myself with hope. If he didn’t want me, why didn’t he just tell me? Why send you? Why? Was it a joke? Let’s see how much we can pound the stupid village girl until she folds.”
“Mili.”
She flinched. She didn’t want him saying her name. Having him chant it in her ear as she gave herself to him, as he changed her forever, it was too much, too close, too fresh in her mind. His hands on her, inside her, it was all too close. And filthy. It was filthy.
“Mili, it was not supposed to turn out like this. Can you at least give me a chance to explain?”
“There’s an explanation?” How stupid did he think she was?
“Yes, damn it. There is. For one, there’s the court case you started.”
Court case? What was he talking about? What would she even go to court about?
He looked incredulous. “I know about the legal notices, Mili. You claimed half the
haveli.
We thought . . . I didn’t know you, Mili. What would you think if you were me? As for the marriage, Baiji had sent your grandmother a notice annulling the marriage the year after it happened. Virat had no idea that you still thought you were married. Until the letter came he didn’t even know. And Mili, Virat, he’s . . . he’s married to someone else.”
It was a miracle she remained standing.
Shame in all its corrosive intensity roared through her blood. All the things she’d told Samir about Virat, he’d known. He’d known everything. She wanted to clamp her hands to her ears. But she couldn’t move. He’d known even more than she had. She’d struggled with herself while he watched, while he played her, while he seduced her. God, he had known.
She had never hated anyone in her life, never been so disgusted with another human being, but his presence made her physically sick, the force of her loathing was so strong.
Mili opened her mouth but no words came out. The disgust in her eyes crushed Samir’s soul and the pain in her eyes made him worthy of it. He wanted to go to her, but one step closer to her and she would break. Her eyes, her nose, all of her was tinder-dry. One match would burn her down to the ground. He had sucked her dry.
She swallowed and clenched her jaw. “Why did you come here, Samir? The truth. Nothing else. Just the simple truth.”
It was too late to turn around now. It was too late to soften the blows.
“I came to get you to sign annulment papers and to drop the case.”
“By seducing me?”
He couldn’t bear the pain in her eyes. “That was not what this was.”
“The truth, Samir. It was all part of a plan, wasn’t it? You knew I wouldn’t be able to resist your charm.”
“Please, Mili, don’t—”
“Why didn’t you just ask me? Knock on my door, tell me who you were and give me the papers.”
“Would you have signed?”
“Not at first, but if you had told me he’s married to someone else I would have been happy to be free of him. I’ve craved freedom all my life. Now I’ll never be free. Never.”
“Mili.”
“No.
No.
Don’t say my name. Don’t look at me. Please just—Oh God.” She looked around the room, desperately searching for something. “How am I going to get home?”
“I’ll take you home, of course.”
She flinched but then straightened her spine as if she were bracing herself for another humiliation. She nodded without meeting his gaze, the slightest hint of a nod. “Okay. But you will not speak to me. Not one word. That’s all I’m asking. I can’t get in that car otherwise, and I need to get back.”
Samir could never have imagined something hurting so much. But watching her like this, this helpless, it made him crazy and he could do absolutely nothing about it.
He nodded and followed her down the stairs.
“I can’t leave without saying bye to Sara,” she said, and he nodded again.
Sara looked worried when they entered the room. “Are you two all right?” she asked.
Mili didn’t answer.
“I have to take Mili home, Sara. Something’s come up.” Samir stood aside as Mili walked up to Sara and took her hand in hers.
“Please take care of yourself, Sara. It was so nice to meet you.”
Sara touched Mili’s cheek and Mili’s already-rigid back stiffened some more. But tears didn’t form in her eyes.
“Is there anything I can do?” Sara asked. You would have to be a block of wood to not sense how much Mili was hurting.
She shook her head.
“Will you come back?”
She nodded. “I’ll come see you as soon as I can. But you have to promise to be better when I come back, okay?”
“I’ll try,” Sara said, her eyes filling and brimming over. Mili pulled away, her eyes as dry, as desolate as the Rajasthan sky in the dead of summer.
Samir forced himself to move. He walked up to Sara. He still couldn’t let her hug him. His heart was just not that big. But he did let her hold his hand.
“Will you come back,
beta?
”
He nodded.
“Thank you,” she said. “If I don’t get a chance to see you. Thank you for this.”
He looked at Mili. She wasn’t looking at him. “Thank her,” he wanted to say.
Sara wept like a baby when she let Samir’s hand go.
Kim wept like a baby when she held Mili.
And still Mili didn’t cry.
25
T
he ride back to Ypsilanti was the longest and shortest ride of Samir’s life. Silence stretched between them like an unbreachable chasm. If he didn’t find a way to cross it everything would be over before it even started. What had happened between them yesterday still sent tremors through his body. She sent tremors through his soul. He could still feel her against him. She was under his skin, inside him, her softness wrapped around his sinew, his nerves. She’d made the most painful thing he’d ever done bearable. And he’d ripped her heart out. And he had to find a way to make it better. He just didn’t know how. All he knew was that he wasn’t going to lose her. He just couldn’t go on if he did.
But she sat there, still and mute, her fingers clasped together in her lap, her body squeezed into the door. Her eyes dry.
He opened his mouth a few times to say something, anything, but he had promised and he couldn’t break his word. From the moment they had got into the car his phone began ringing off the hook. First it was Virat, then DJ. He didn’t answer. He could not speak to anyone right now. Finally, he turned the phone off. Mili didn’t so much as move a muscle through it all. Not until they were back in the smelly parking lot.
It was garbage day again and the truck was scooping trash out of the huge green Dumpster. As he pulled to a stop across from her mutilated yellow bike, he wondered if she would ever throw it away. He had tried throwing it away once but she had threatened him with bodily harm if he dared to touch it. Before he could come around and get her door she opened it herself and headed for the stairs.
“Mili, can we talk now?” He ran past her and stood over her in the stairway.
She swallowed and forced herself to speak. “You promised.”
“I promised not to speak in the car but we’re home now. We have to talk.”
She squared her shoulders and looked at a point slightly to the right of his head. “Come inside.” Her tone was so defeated, so un-Mili-like, he wanted to kill himself for what he’d done. He opened her door and let her into the apartment.
The smell of old cooking hung in the air. Usually they opened the windows to let the smells out. But because they had been gone for a day the smell had sat and festered in the apartment and sunk into the carpet, the walls.
Mili entered the house and turned to face him.
“My keys.” She held out her hand.
“Mili.”
She left her hand out and he returned her keys. She withdrew her hand before he could touch her.
“Where are the papers you want me to sign?”
“Mili.”
Every time he said her name she flinched. And it was like a knee to his balls.
“Can we talk first?”
“What’s left to talk about?”
The fact that I’m in love with you.
But she looked so disgusted with him, so heartsick, he couldn’t get the words out. “What about us?”
“Us?” She laughed. Not her husky, sunshiny laugh, but a painful groan of a laugh.
“Which
us,
Samir? The
us
you created to end my marriage? The
us
you made up so your brother’s betrayal would cost him nothing? Or the
us
where you made a fool out of a stupid virgin, where you let her expose herself in the most humiliating way, so she could have no recourse, no life after you?”
“Mili, you know that’s not how it was.”
“No. I don’t know anything, Samir. After this I will never know anything for sure again. I will never trust anyone again. You’ve taken my trust, my honor, my self-respect. You’ve sullied me. You made me feel filthy. I’ll never feel clean again. I was pure.” She stopped talking and clutched a fist to her chest. “I felt pure. I know that means nothing in your world. But I was untainted. Now I’m a sinner, a slut. You robbed me of who I was.”
“Mili. I didn’t know.”
This time her shoulders just shook, but no laughter came out. No tears either. “You didn’t know that you don’t sleep with your sister-in-law?”
“You are not my sister-in-law, Mili.”
“Why, because you say so? Because your dishonorable, cheating brother says so?”
“Mili, this was not Bhai’s idea.”
“That’s a relief. This was your idea then. I spent my entire life loving him, waiting for him, and he sent his brother to sleep with me. And I’m such an idiot, I—I—Tell me, Samir, was I easy? Was I at least a little bit of a challenge?”
“Mili, it wasn’t like that.”
“Oh my God, you didn’t even have to try. I practically begged you to sleep with me. Was sleeping with me in the plan or just making me fall in love with you? Did you brothers sit down and plan it? Get her to sleep with you. These village girls are really easy and stupid.”
“Mili, stop. Don’t do this to yourself. You’re not stupid and we didn’t plan it. At least not the way you think. All we wanted was to get you to agree to drop the court case and sign the annulment.”
“And you had to wait until now, until I—You’ve been here four weeks, Samir.” Her voice rose, but she choked it back.
God, why hadn’t he told her? Why had he waited? And he knew it wasn’t the script. It was this. This look in her eyes. He’d known she’d throw him out and he’d been too much of a coward to face it.
She held out her hand and shook it. “Give me the papers. I’ll sign whatever you want. Actually, wait, let me make it easier.”
She went to her bedroom—he heard her moving around. It took him less than a moment to realize what she was looking for. He pulled the marriage certificate out of his laptop case.
When he entered the room, Mili was squatting next to the desk with the brown bag open. She turned around, her forehead lined with confusion. When she saw the plastic wrapped paper in his hand he thought she was finally going to cry. She didn’t.
He had gone through her things. He had lied to her. The full extent of his betrayal killed every last sign of innocence from her eyes. “Mili, I’m sorry.” He held the marriage certificate out to her.
The heavy cover of the suitcase slammed on Mili’s hands. The sting of pain registered in her brain, but she didn’t feel it. She slid her tingling fingers from the sharp metal jaws and stood up. Samir held her marriage certificate out like an offering, as if he expected her to take it from his hands. Those long tapered fingers that had violated every inch of her gripped the piece of paper she had always treated with the reverence of a holy text. Bile churned in the pit of her belly. She wrapped her arms around herself. The pain in her fingers finally broke through her consciousness and spread through her.
“Send me whatever papers you want me to sign,” she said to the tattered piece of paper, unable to look away from it.
Poor Naani. She had to have been the one who filed the court case. Mili was sure of it. And now all her machinations had backfired. Everything had backfired. Mili thought about the desperation in Naani’s voice.
He won’t get away with it. He has to pay the price.
No, Naani. He wasn’t the one paying the price.
“Whatever legal documents you’re talking about, I didn’t send them. It must have been my
naani.
I’ll talk to her. You won’t hear anything more from us.” She tightened her arms around herself and forced herself to look directly at him. “But please, if you have any decency left in you, don’t ever come anywhere near me again. I never want to see you again. I never want to hear your voice. Never want to hear your name. I find you repulsive, disgusting, and I want nothing to do with you. Ever.”
Mili waited, but Samir just stood there like a statue who had been slammed into the ground with a sledgehammer. She couldn’t ask him to leave again. She couldn’t talk to him again. But she had to get away from him. She walked past him and out of her room, out of her apartment, out of the building. She kept walking. Across the stinking parking lot, across the green campus lawns, past the red brick walls, over the gray cement walkways.
She took the long winding roads, every hill, every steep climb she could find. Unseasonably cool wind whipped her face and made her torn sleeve flap against her arm. The sun was still up in the sky, flowers bloomed everywhere, but the only thing she could see was the look in Samir’s eyes as he stood there clutching the marriage certificate he had stolen from her. Her eyes burned, her throat burned. Parched and dry. She yearned for tears, to wash away the pain, to drown the shame, but none came. And she knew with absolute certainty that her tears were gone forever.
When finally she reached Pierce Hall, she sat on the stairs for a long while, unable to go inside. But how many places could she avoid that she’d been in with him? She couldn’t avoid her own heart, her own body. She felt him on her, inside her, tearing her open. Every gentleness turned to violence, every whisper he’d whispered in her ear turned to a scream. The most beautiful time of her life had turned into a nightmare. She had turned into someone she would never recognize and even the memory of happiness was gone. Gone with him, gone with the him she loved. A mirage in the desert. A promise of rain that would never fall.
Finally, she got up and went in. She spent the rest of the day working. When she went back home Samir was gone. Her marriage certificate sat on the dining table. The smell of stale food still hung in the air. Amazing how something that smelled so good two days ago could now stink like death.