A Brush of Wings (28 page)

She would probably never be close to her mother again, not the way she had felt that long-ago school day. But Lexy wasn’t the only one who had suffered. They had both lost. They had missed out on the mother-daughter talks and times together that other little girls and their mothers got to have. She didn’t want to lose any more time.

“Mama . . .” Lexy stood and took a step toward her.

Her mother lowered her hands and blinked a few times, her eyes red and swollen. “I’m sorry.” Her mom’s voice was just a whisper. “I’ve been sorry every day I’ve been away.” Her face was so sad and lost, it hurt to look at her. She stood and faced Lexy. “I don’t know what else to say.”

Like a wave crashing on the ocean shore, Lexy’s heart broke. She could do nothing to stop herself from rushing into her mother’s arms. “Mama!” Lexy clung to her as if she might die if she let go. “I needed you, Mama. I needed you every day.” She held on, her voice choked up. “I missed you so much.”

Her mother hugged her tight. She kissed the top of Lexy’s head the way mamas are supposed to do. “I missed you, too. Every day, baby.”

There was no going back, no way to live again the days they’d lost. And yes, Lexy would be a different girl if she’d had her mom. But this was what they had. It was who they were. If she stayed angry at her mama now, then they’d lose this, too. And Lexy couldn’t stand the thought of that.

Lexy noticed that Sami had left the room, which was good. For the first time in a long time she wanted to be alone with her mother. They sat next to each other on the sofa and her mom reached for her. Like when she was very little, Lexy reached out and tucked her hand into her mother’s. The feeling was better than Christmas.

She had her mama again. Lexy leaned her head on her mother’s shoulder. “Sometimes I want to keep this baby.” She paused. “But I won’t. I’m giving it up for adoption.” She turned slightly and looked into her mom’s eyes. “I’m not ready to be a mama.”

Her mother brushed the hair from Lexy’s eyes. “I understand.” She looked sad again, but she nodded. “It’s the right thing to do.” The look in her eyes changed. “I need to tell you something, baby.”

Her mother drew back a bit and looked at her hands for a few seconds. When she looked at Lexy again, her eyes seemed nervous. Her voice, too. “I’m working on a plan for you.”

“For me?” Lexy had no idea what her mom meant. “I’m good, Mama. I’m here with Sami . . . away from the gang.”

Her mother looked around the apartment living room. “It’s real nice here, Lexy. I can see that.” She waited. “But Sami’s getting married. And your other friend—Mary Catherine—she’s sick.”

Lexy felt uneasy. The sickness from the pregnancy seemed worse all of a sudden. “I like it here.”

“I know.” Her mom took hold of both her hands. “Just listen to me, okay?”

So much of her life she hadn’t had a mother’s advice, a mother’s kind words. Lexy pushed her fears to the back of her mind. “Okay.”

“All right.” Her mom looked like she was holding her breath. “So there was this janitor in prison. The one who helped me write that letter to you. Aspyn. That was her name.” Her mom relaxed a little and, a few lines at a time, the story spilled out.

Aspyn had come to visit her again—she didn’t work at the prison all the time. Just once in a while. “This time Aspyn wanted to talk about you.”

Lexy listened, trying to be patient.

“She asked me if I had a plan for you, a place for you to live so you didn’t have to be near the gangs in LA. A way for you to go to college and find a different life.” Her mom looked almost dizzy. “So many questions. And I didn’t have answers for any of them.”

Her mother explained how that’s when Aspyn mentioned Lexy’s uncle in Texas. “I still got no idea how Aspyn knew I had a brother.” She thought for a minute and then focused her attention on Lexy again. “But I do. Your uncle.”

Lexy blinked a few times. Then she remembered. “Grandma talks about him sometimes. Her son. The one who escaped the drugs and gangs.”

“Yes.” Again her mom looked sad. “He’s married. Two older kids in college. He and his wife are good people. Christian people.”

Where is this going?
Lexy released her mom’s hands and folded her arms. “The janitor lady knew about him?”

“Yes.” Her mom looked confused. “Maybe I told her about him and I just forgot.”

Lexy wanted her mom to get to the point. “So why did the janitor bring him up?”

“She asked me if I ever wrote back to my brother.” Another sad look came into her mom’s eyes. “Your uncle wrote me every month or so. One of the girls always helped me read his letters. But I never . . . I never asked anyone to help me write him back.” She looked at her hands again. “What could I say? I was in prison.”

Of course. Lexy understood.

“Aspyn said maybe my brother would be willing to take you.” Hope flickered in her mother’s voice. “Maybe your uncle could give you a new start.”

“In Texas?” Lexy wanted to run out the door and keep running. “I don’t want to go to Texas, Mama. I like living here.”

A few seconds passed and Lexy’s mother didn’t say anything. Finally she took a slow breath. “Aspyn, the janitor, helped me write to him and ask.” She paused. “I haven’t heard back.”

“Good.” Lexy didn’t know what to think. Her mom had no right trying to send her off to Texas. After so many years apart, how could her mother know what Lexy needed? “I told you, I like living here.”

Her mom nodded. “Maybe we should pray about it. You and me both. Then God can show us what we’re supposed to do.”

Lexy hated the idea. She didn’t want to pray about leaving her new life here, and she certainly didn’t want to live halfway across the country in Texas. But every day since she’d moved in with Sami, the two of them had read the Bible together. One thing that stood out was this—God wanted people to be humble. The reason Lexy had gotten pregnant was because she was running her own life. The Bible said when people gave up their old ways and let God run their lives instead, good things would happen.

She gritted her teeth and tried to hear what God might say. Sometimes He actually seemed to talk to her. And just like that she could hear His voice in her soul.
I love you, daughter . . . I have good plans for you. Trust me
.

Lexy looked at her mother and tried not to feel scared or angry. “Okay. I’ll pray about it. But as long as my . . . as long as your brother doesn’t write back I guess we have the answer.”

They sat in quiet and this time Lexy reached for her mom’s hand. She couldn’t be angry at her mother for trying to help her. The uncle in Texas obviously didn’t want anything to do with Lexy or her mom. There was no reason to wreck the time with her mom over this. “Sorry for getting mad.”

“I understand.” Her mom looked deep at her. “I’m sorry about you being pregnant.”

Lexy nodded. “Me, too. I’ll never know her. Or him.” Her eyes stung because of the sadness. She would miss her first child, and her mom would miss her first grandchild. She put one of her hands over her stomach again.

The missing would last forever.

Sami popped back into the living room. “I’m going to make dinner.”

“We’ll help.” Lexy stood and helped her mom to her feet. Then in a voice just for her mother, Lexy whispered, “Thank you. For coming here.” She leaned up and kissed her mom’s cheek. “For saying you’re sorry.”

Her mom dried her eyes again. “Thank you.” She kissed Lexy’s cheek. “For letting me. All I want is to be your mama again.”

They worked with Sami and made chicken salad with tiny pieces of grapes and strawberries and almonds. Sami washed the spinach, spread the dried leaves on three plates, and topped them off with a scoop of the chicken mixture.

The air between Lexy and her mama felt lighter now. Just making dinner together and talking about the beach and Sami’s upcoming wedding and Mary Catherine.

Like normal daughters and mamas.

They sat at the table with their salads and Lexy’s mother smiled at Sami. “You’re teaching my girl about health.” She pointed her fork at the salad. “This is the best kind of food. God’s food.”

“It is.” Sami smiled. “We eat too much sugar in this country. My friend Mary Catherine taught me that.”

“It’s true.” Lexy’s mom shook her head. “That’s one thing I’m looking forward to. Eating better.” She put her hand on Lexy’s shoulder. “So I can live long enough to be a better mother to this girl.”

Sami prayed over the meal, and the subject turned to Mary Catherine. Lexy still wanted to go see her at the hospital. But it was too soon. Lexy turned to Sami. “Is she any better today?”

“She is. Tyler and I were just there at the hospital. The surgery is tomorrow. They had to wait a day to be sure her fever was gone.” Sami looked a little worried. “It’s a serious operation.”

“You told her? About me living here?” Lexy felt sick again. She pushed her fork around her salad.

“I did.” Sami’s eyes were soft and kind.

“So she’s mad at me?” She hated that Mary Catherine knew how bad she’d messed up. She never should’ve gone back to the gang. “I mean, of course she’s mad. I messed up bad.” She wasn’t sure she wanted to hear what came next.

“Mary Catherine’s not mad.” Sami stopped eating long enough to look right at Lexy. “She’s sorry for you. But she can’t wait to see you after the surgery.”

Lexy could’ve cried. Mary Catherine wanted to see her. It was the best news ever. She cleared her throat. “You’ll be there tomorrow, right?”

“I will.” Sami poured them each a glass of water.

Lexy took a deep breath. “Tell her I can’t wait to see her, too.” She stared at her plate.
Thank You, God. Please help Mary Catherine get through her operation.
When they were finished eating and doing the dishes, Sami checked the time on her phone. She looked at Lexy’s mom. “I need to get you back home.”

Her mother nodded. She turned to Lexy. “I got something to say.”

Lexy came closer. “Okay.”

Her mom took hold of both her hands. “I used to dream about a day like this.” Her voice was quiet. “Today . . . was the best day of my life.”

Lexy smiled. “For me, too.” She slid her arms around her mom’s neck and they held each other for a long time. Then she walked her mother to the door. “I’ll pray about the Texas thing.”

“Thanks.”

Lexy could tell they were both sad, she and her mama. They’d missed so much time together. The losses were still there—no matter how well they’d gotten along for the last hour. But today was something neither of them had expected, and Lexy could only credit God and Sami for bringing it about.

A new beginning.

22

T
HE LAST FACE SHE SAW
before the anesthesia took her was that of her beloved Marcus. He held her hand and stood beside her bed until the last possible moment.

“You’ll be okay. I believe that.” He bent down and kissed her lips, soft and brief. A team of surgeons and medical personnel stood by, ready for the operation. After today she would have a man-made heart with a dozen serious restrictions.

But she would be alive.

Marcus hadn’t left her side for the last two days, while doctors pumped her full of antibiotics and made sure her body was free of infection. Now, in her waning moments before surgery, she savored the feel of Marcus’s hand around hers. She felt safe and sure and full of life around him.
God, please . . . give me more days with this man. Give us a life together. Please, Father.
She looked up at Marcus, at his warm, caring brown eyes.

Of all their many goodbyes, this one was the hardest.

“I’m not afraid.” She spoke straight to his eyes, to his soul. “Ask everyone to pray.”

“I will. You know that.” He remembered something. “The Waynes told me to tell you they have their whole church praying.”

Mary Catherine nodded slightly. “Good.”

“Yes.” It didn’t matter how many people were waiting for this moment to wrap up. Marcus looked at her as if she were the only person in the room. “I love you.”

She refused the tears that rushed to her eyes. “I love you, too.”

He had to leave then, and she watched him go. Watched while he held her gaze until the last possible moment. When he was gone, she closed her eyes, ignoring the few tears that slid down her face. She could feel the bed moving as they wheeled her into the operating room.

“Mary Catherine, are you okay?” It was Dr. Cohen.

“Yes.” She didn’t open her eyes, didn’t want to see anything in her mind except the image of Marcus Dillinger.

“We’ve been over what’s about to happen. We’ll see you in ten hours or so.” He paused. “The medication is going into your IV now. I want you to count out loud, backward from ten, okay?”

Mary Catherine did as she was told. “Ten, nine . . .”
How could I ever have walked away from Marcus?
“Eight . . . seven . . .”
God, I must’ve been crazy, letting fear of tomorrow keep me from falling in love
. A heaviness settled over her. She couldn’t open her eyes if she wanted to. “Six . . .”

Noises began to blur around her and she could feel her body growing warm. It was time. Her failing heart was finished. She remembered Marcus once more, the look in his eyes, the way he told her he’d pray for her and how much he clearly loved her and . . .