A Changed Life (34 page)

I couldn’t be handcuffed with my hand as swollen as it was, so I was surrounded by two police officers with Detective Westphall escorting me to the hospital. I’m sure if I would have made a move to run, I probably would have been shot on site. My father was called along with John, my lawyer, and they were to meet me in the emergency room.

My father had his personal physician standing by, along with a top orthopedic surgeon he had called in to see me. I was brought in to a private examining room to have my hand checked out. After getting an M.R.I., it showed it was broken in two places. I would need to have a cast put on, just not today. I had too much swelling, and was given injections to help it heal.

I would have to return to the hospital in a few days, and have my hand set in a cast. While I waited for the doctor to return with post care instructions, my father took the opportunity to yell at me for interrupting his work day.

“What the hell were you thinking, Michael? Punching a brick wall? How could you be that reckless?” I just shook my head in defeat. What could I say to him? Tell him how I was feeling sorry for myself, and wishing my mother was alive to hold me? I don’t know what my father’s reaction would have been if I had told him the truth. I just remained quiet, and let him tell me again how I disappointed him.

My father’s tirade was short. His lawyers were working on getting me released from jail. I was asked to consider accepting a plea bargain, if offered by the prosecutor. My mental status has been brought into question. They will argue that upon hearing I was being sent away, I became enraged, and that’s why I assaulted my father. Clayton St. Clair was my only parent, and no matter how I felt about him, deep down I knew I loved him. I never knew how he felt about me, and after his beloved Lydia passed away, he has never been the same.

If released, I would be restricted to house arrest and would have to wear an ankle monitoring device, restricting me to the grounds of my home only. I would agree to these terms without hesitation. I hate this place, and just wanted to go home.

The officers came in to bring me back to jail. My father just slapped me on my back, and told me to remain strong. Back in my cell, my hand was throbbing, and I was given my pain medicine. I began to drift off to sleep when a vision appeared to me in my dreams. It was my mother before me. She was so beautiful, and I just wanted to reach out for her and not let her go.

“What’s happened to my beautiful boy?” I heard her voice asking me. Have you forgotten everything? Have you forgotten me?” I could see my mother’s sadness all around her.

I cried out to her. “Mother, please don’t leave me again.” Her image faded slowly away from me, and I woke up in a cold sweat. My breathing was ragged and my hand was aching, but no more than my heart.

I hated to leave the beach house, but Simon gave his word that he would not miss his practice with his coach and team. We didn’t want to separate. My heart ached knowing we would be apart after talking and spending so much time together today. Simon promised he would call me as soon as practice was over, and I smiled at him as he drove away. I took a deep cleansing breath before entering my house. I knew what was waiting for me on the other side. I walked in to find my Aunt Sara sitting with my parents and Uncle Jack. All my anxiety left me when she walked over and hugged me. She whispered in my ear, “I’m so sorry baby. I wish I could have been here sooner,” I just blinked back tears and hugged her again.

She brushed my hair away from my face, and asked me to join her in the living room. I had walked in, and interrupted my family discussing me, again. I tried to remain calm, and not be so defensive with them. “How are you feeling, honey?” My mom asked me.

“I’m ok mom. Simon took care of me today.” My mom couldn’t hold back any longer, and blurted out, “We have to discuss the baby.”
Wow, that didn’t take long.

My dad sighed and folded his arms across his chest. “Nicolette, we have been discussing this all afternoon. We need to know how you feel about this and what you plan to do about the baby”

It was my turn to sigh and breathe heavily. “What do all of you want from me?” I asked my family. “Do you think I can just magically snap my fingers, and what happened to me will suddenly go away?” I got up off the couch, and walked around the room until I could no longer hold in my rage. “You all are unbelievable! You sit here and discuss my life, and what you expect me to do. You have no idea what I have been through, and the hell that I am in. Every night when I should be sleeping in peace, I am reliving my rape. What Michael did haunts me every day, and now I’m pregnant with his child. I am just trying to get through this nightmare I call my life, one day at a time, without any pressure from you. Last year, I was living in Chicago, dreaming of going to college, and looking forward to the next chapter in my life. Everything changed for me when you decided, again, what was best for me.”

“Nicolette, please let-,” Interrupting my mother I say, “Quiet mother, it is my turn to speak, and you all will listen whether you want to or not… Mom, when you and daddy wanted this amazing new life here in California, you didn’t care how it affected me. You took my choice away from me, even after I begged to stay behind with Uncle Jack and Aunt Sara. I have done everything you have asked me to do. Now it’s your turn to do something for me. You need to back the hell off, and give me some fucking space.”

I felt like I had just run a marathon. I was completely out of breath. I put my hands on my knees, trying to bring my breathing under control. I finally was able to compose myself, and face the wrath of my mother glaring back at me.

“Nicolette, you will not use that language in my house, do you understand me? I know you are hurt and upset, but we will not be disrespected. We are only trying to help you.”
Oh my god! She doesn’t have a clue.

“Are you serious, mom? Help me? I don’t see it that way at all. You are
once again
trying to control me, and navigate my life the way you see fit. I have held my tongue for far too long now, and I will not be silenced. You keep asking me how I feel, and what I’m planning to do? I have no idea, mom. Just when I was finally accepting my new life here in California, I never could have predicted what was going to happen to me with Michael. I have new friends, and Simon, who has been my rock throughout this whole ordeal. If it wasn’t for Simon, I don’t think I would have made it this far. His love is saving me, mom. Even when I constantly push him away, he is still here by my side. I don’t want to hurt you, because you are my family, and I love you. I need time to heal and work this out on my own terms. I can’t be pressured into doing what you want me to do. I started to cry, and my father tried to comfort me. Daddy, I can’t take much more of this. Please just let me be.”

“Nicolette, we never meant to hurt you. You mean everything to us, and we just want to make sure you are ok.” My father pleaded with me to understand they only had the best intentions to help me.

“Nicolette, if you are calmer now, we have to continue to discuss the baby.” Mom continued, interrupting my moment with my father. I couldn’t believe that after everything I had just said, she still doesn’t get it. Stepping out of my father’s hold on me, I turn to face my mother.

“Mom, haven’t you heard a word I have said to you? How can you stand here, and ask me again to discuss the baby? I am not ready to make any decisions yet.”

“Nicolette, whether you are ready or not, this baby is a reality, and we do need to discuss it.”

“Nicolette, please calm down honey. This stress isn’t good for you
.
”
Bless her heart, my Aunt Sara, always the voice of reason.
I was fighting with my mother. She wanted this conversation, and now she’s getting it.

“For the umpteenth time, this is not how I envisioned my life. As you have reminded me repeatedly today, my new reality is that I am pregnant. How did I get pregnant? Oh yes, I was fucking raped! I will repeat…
I. WAS. RAPED
! By the boy you told me to be nice to and try to maintain a civil relationship with.
I put my hands up in a mockingly way to gesture quotes.
The same boy that stalked me for months, and wouldn’t leave me alone. The same boy that I tried with my best efforts to let him know I wasn’t interested in him, and I was in love with someone else. I tried mom, I really did try. For the sake of your working relationship with Michael’s father, I tried to do what you asked of me, and be his friend. What you didn’t know mom, was that Michael never wanted to be my friend. He had this sick fantasy that he loved me, and we were meant to be together. I refused him over and over again until he snapped and took me by force. Michael St. Clair raped me. I fought him with all that I had, and he kept hurting me, because he didn’t care. He just took what he wanted, and now he has left a permanent mark on me with his child growing inside of me.”

I fell to my knees and cried. I finally revealed to my family what Michael did to me. They all ran to me, and I screamed at all of them not to touch me. My heart was beating so fast, and it felt like it was going to burst right out of my chest. I ached all over. My beautiful afternoon I had just spent with Simon has now been reduced to a faded memory. I took a sip of some water to regain some of my composure as they all sat with bated breath waiting for me to speak again. My mom and Aunt Sara were wiping tears away from their eyes. I did the one thing to my family I never meant to do. I hurt them and caused more pain. I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. My mother kept pushing me, how did they expect me to react? I had enough and snapped.

With my tears threatening again to fall, I turned and faced my family. I apologized for the way I spoke to them, especially to my mom. She didn’t deserve to be talked to in such a brutal manner, but the dam had been breached, and I couldn’t keep my feelings contained any longer.

“My life changed forever the moment Michael raped me, and I know I will never be the same girl I once was. I don’t know what you want from me. Do you expect me to just go on, as if nothing has changed? If this is what you want me to do, then I can never give that to you. I just found out the man I have adored, and loved all my life, is actually my biological father. I’m still processing all of this while dealing with my rape. After learning the truth, I didn’t shut you out. I understood and listened to all your reasons why you did what you did. I opened my arms out to all of you, because I love you so much.”

“I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that my family can sit here, and make demands of me. Force me to fall in line, and do what you want me to do. I didn’t ask to be raped, and I sure as hell didn’t want to be pregnant at eighteen years old. I don’t want to have to go through a lengthy trial and face Michael, and have my personal life aired out in the media. I wish I could go back to that day where Simon and Daddy reached me in time, and prevented Michael from hurting me. I know that’s not real, and what is real is that I am pregnant. I am the only one that is going to decide what happens next.”

Looking over to my mother, she looked devastated and so sad. “I’m sorry that I hurt you Mom. The days of planning out my life and making decisions for me are over. I’m an adult now, and as much as I wanted to become one, I never anticipated what I would be facing now. You all have a decision to make. You can support and love me, or you can let me go.”

I turned away from my family, and left them all in tears. I even saw a glimpse of Gracie standing in the hallway and wiping her eyes. A couple of months ago, we were a happy family, but now everything has changed.