A Complicated Love (Complicated Love #1) (13 page)

“Oh…” I turn around and fiddle with my stuff. I can’t understand how anyone could want their son to settle down with Tammy of all people. Joshua turns me back around and strokes my cheek with his hand.

“Annabelle, I don’t care what my mother thinks. I want you and only you. I’m sorry this has happened to us, but we’ll get through it and I
will
be here for you. Whenever you need me. I care about you so much, and I promise that we
will
get through this. We will, Annabelle, together.” He gives me a tender, soft kiss on the lips before taking my things and carrying them out the door with me following behind.

I want to believe that he means what he’s said, but I’m not quite sure. He says he cares about me, but I’m so confused right now. I care about him a lot too, but how can I be sure that Joshua means what he says?
What if he was only with me for the baby?
I might lose him and I’m not sure if I will be strong enough to lose him too. I can only hope that he means it.

Two Months Later

These two months have been really hard, and I thought that when I left the hospital, it would all be okay, but it’s only gotten worse. Aunt Sylvia stayed with me for the first month. She was really supportive and helped me a lot. Most days I stayed in my room and stared out my window. My room is always noisy with the amount of traffic that uses the busy street below. Laying there and listening to everything going on outside was kind of calming in a way. It’s strange to hear life going on around you, when you’re not living life.

This nightmare I’m feeling stuck in is happening, but life is oblivious to it. I’d accepted that I was going to be a mother. I dreamed of what it was going to be like. Joshua and I with our sweet baby, living and enjoying life together. I even thought about moving out of the city where we could buy a house in the country with a garden in the front and back. Life would’ve been good, and I would’ve had Joshua as a husband and a doting father to our child.

I feel stupid now getting my hopes up like I did. Aunt Sylvia has tried to help me out of the funk I was in, but that first month was tough. Joshua came round to see me loads of times and he would end up lying on my bed just chatting while I listened. I didn’t know what to say to him, so he did all the talking. He’s hired a new PA and told me to take as much time as I needed. I’m not really that concerned with going back. Joshua informed me that he hired Madison as his PA.

When I met her at the interview, I thought she was great and so friendly. I’m sure she will make a great PA. I’m not fond of the fact that she’s friends with Tammy, but it doesn’t make her a bad person. Joshua and I had an argument when I received a letter from the landlord informing me he was no longer my landlord. He had sold the apartment to a Joshua Lynn. Yep, he bought the apartment, and he’s now my new landlord. He said I can stay here rent free and that he doesn’t want my money, but I hate it. I can’t believe he bought it, and what really got me was he never told me. I know he mentioned it to me, but nothing was finalised so I was completely pissed off. It resulted in a massive argument and him storming out of the apartment.

That was a month ago and things are really awkward between us now. Yes, he comes around and stays with me, but his attitude is changing. He keeps getting annoyed at me for staying in and not living anymore. I’m grieving and he doesn’t seem to get that. He doesn’t come around as much as he did, so for this past month I’ve been eating and sleeping in the apartment and feeling so alone. Aunt Sylvia calls me every other day and Tracy phones me when she isn’t busy, but her job is going great and she’s busier than ever. I’m really happy that she’s doing well, but I can’t help feeling a bit jealous.

I haven’t seen Joshua’s mum or sister since the hospital. Danielle suggested we all go out for dinner, but I wasn’t really up to it. Joshua hated that I wasn’t willing to try, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t face Sienna after finding out that she wants Joshua to be settled down with Tammy. It makes me sick just thinking about it.

Danielle was lovely though, and I really would have loved to have gotten to know her more. I think we could have been good friends. I know I have to pick myself up, but it’s really hard to do. Joshua and I don’t speak about the miscarriage. Every time I try to bring it up, something stops me. I know Joshua wants to talk to me and get me to open up, but I’m not sure I can. I wanted our baby so much.

I know I’m going to lose him and I don’t know what to do. He’s been so patient with me and he’s been giving me space. For the last month, Joshua had only been coming around late in the evenings. I think he’s been working more, but we don’t tend to talk a lot about anything really. He just ends up lying next to me until I fall asleep. When I wake up in the morning, he’s usually gone. I’m assuming he goes into work.

The weekend is when I never see him. He never comes around and, to be honest, I don’t blame him. I’m so miserable that it’s depressing. I don’t know how long it will be before I lose him for good.

These past two months have been hell. This is the worst kind of heartbreak I’ve ever experienced. I was glad Annabelle had Aunt Sylvia with her for a month. I was worried about leaving her on her own. She’s been so distant from everyone. Aunt Sylvia was upset that she couldn’t get Annabelle to talk to her. I had to comfort her when she broke down one night after I went to check on Annabelle. I can’t get through to her myself. I spend most days in the office until late.

I hired Madison as my PA, so Annabelle could have time off. I know she’s struggling with getting her head around the miscarriage. I’ve been trying to get her to open up and tell me how she’s feeling. I want to be there for her and take care of her, but I can’t help but think she’s being selfish. She spends all her time lying on her bed and staring out her window. She eats and sleeps, but that’s all she does.

When I’m there, I lie with her in the hopes that she will start talking to me, but it only results in her falling asleep in my arms. I feel guilty for feeling angry at her, but I do, so I leave before she wakes in the morning. I usually go back to my apartment and drink a hearty amount of Jack Daniels before passing out and waking up hours later to get ready for work.

My mother and Danielle stayed for a few weeks before Danielle had to get back to Oxford. Those few weeks were horrible, and I snapped at them a lot, especially at my mother. She kept bringing Tammy up and telling me what she was up to while I haven’t been available as she put it.

What makes her think I’m available now, is beyond me. I had a few rows with my mother while she was here and in all honesty, I was glad when she went home. Danielle was a saint though. She helped me to control mother when she got too annoying. Karl came up for a few weeks straight after my mother and Danielle went home. He was there for me when it got tough. I think Annabelle was forgetting that I lost our baby too.

I spent the weekends with Karl, going to bars and getting trashed. I know it doesn’t sound practical, but I just wanted to forget and have fun after everything that had happened. We stayed away from Sienna’s as the first night we went there I spotted Tammy and I was quick to get out of there. My manager kept an eye on her and discovered that she has been turning up there most nights, ever since we lost the baby. It might have been a coincidence, but I wouldn’t be surprised if my mother has told her what’s going on. I haven’t spoken to my mother lately. She calls me constantly, but I can’t hear any more about Tammy. She has to accept that I won’t be getting back with her.

I want to be with Annabelle. I just wish she didn’t keep shutting me out. I don’t blame her for not wanting to go to dinner with my mother and Danielle, but I couldn’t help feeling disappointed because I just want her to be herself again. I feel like I’m losing her, and I’m at a loss as to what to do next. I’ve backed off more this past month and I only go around and see her when I need my fix of her. I miss her so much when I’m not with her. I just want to be with her… always. I hope, I can prove to her that I care about her and want to help her through this. I feel like she doesn’t believe me.

I finished up early Friday night. Karl went home during the week as he had a business appointment that he couldn’t afford to cancel. He did stay a lot longer than he said he would, but I guess that’s the perks of being your own boss. Me, I couldn’t do it. I have to work just to get through this. Otherwise, I will be wallowing and thinking too much about Annabelle. I think about her all day every day and my heart feels heavy with the need to see her.

But I can’t see her. I don’t know what to say to her.

I end up at Blue Bliss, the bar that I didn’t want Annabelle going to. I just want to forget how messed up my life is at the moment. I place my arse on a bar stool and order myself a Jack Daniels.

My head’s feeling fuzzy, really fuzzy. I can’t remember when I got here or how long I’ve been here. I haven’t spoken to anyone. I don’t know anyone here. It reminds me how alone I am.

Why doesn’t Annabelle want me?
I want her so much.

I care about her and our baby. I’m mourning the loss of our baby too, but she’s being so selfish and pushing me away.
Why is she doing this?
I’ve tried to be there for her.

I love her!

Love her? Oh God I do love her. I love her so much it hurts when I’m away from her, but she won’t talk to me or be close to me. I wave the bartender over and order another Jack Daniels.

My eyes are blurry and I don’t think I can drink anymore. I don’t know how I’m still sitting at this bar. A figure sits down on the bar stool right next to me. I turn my head and I notice it’s a woman.

“Hey baby, what are you doing here all by yourself?” I know that voice and I’m too pissed to care that she’s found me.

“Tammy?” I croak as I try to squint my eyes shut so I don’t have to see her.

“Yea baby, it’s me. Are you okay?”

I laugh real hard. It’s the first laugh I’ve experienced in two months.

“Okay? She won’t talk to me, and she keeps pushing me away. I’m going to lose her,” I mumble as I try to stay upright.

“Oh baby… I’m so sorry she’s doing this to you. Maybe I could take you home and help you forget about her.”

I chuckle to myself and sip the last of my Jack Daniels.

“No way, Tammy. I… have… to… go.” I stand abruptly and suddenly lose my balance. I grab hold of the bar as I try to right myself.

“Baby, you can’t get home on your own. How about I take your home?” She takes a hold of my hand and I’m quick to shrug her off.

“I said no,” I mumble as I wave the bartender down to call me a taxi. The bartender lets me know when the taxi arrives. I make my way outside finally, after swaying about and nearly ending up in the toilet instead of outside. Tammy helps me after I was unsuccessful at trying to get outside on my own. I just want to get rid of her, but she’s not giving up. I see the taxi approaching, so I make my way drunkenly to the curb.

“See you later, baby,” Tammy purrs while I briskly wave and get in the taxi. I rest my head on the window and close my eyes. It feels better when I close my eyes. I can’t help thinking about her. I miss her. I love her so much. I have to tell her. I take my phone out of my pocket and send a message saying that I love her and want to talk. I need to get home and sleep this off and hopefully in the morning there will be a message from my beautiful Annabelle, saying she wants to talk.

I’m getting out of the shower after dousing myself with cold water because I couldn’t figure out how to turn the hot water on. I’m not feeling very good. I just want to grab some water and head to bed. There’s a knock on the door. I’m not expecting anyone, but it doesn’t register to look through the peephole. I open the door to see Tammy standing there. I’ve sobered up enough to see her clearly. She’s decided to rock up to my door late at night in a purple knee length dress and silver flats. Her blonde hair is piled up high on top of her head, with these little blond twirls dangling around her face. As usual, she’s plastered in makeup.

What the hell is she doing here?

“What are you doing here, Tammy?” I walk to the kitchen to get a bottle of water.

“I just wanted to see how you were. You seemed really out of it earlier.” She sits down on the kitchen stool and crosses her legs. She places her head in her hands and gazes at me with lust in her eyes.

“I’m fine, Tammy. You shouldn’t be here. I want you to leave.” I’m angry she’s turned up at the apartment.

“Look, I’m sorry, baby. I was just worried.” I take a drink from my bottle of water and look over at her.

“Don’t call me, baby, Tammy. I’m not your baby and I won’t be again, so just go.” She crosses her arms and huffs.

“Fine Joshua, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Isn’t that what friends do?” She smiles sweetly at me.

“We’re not friends, Tammy. We tried, but you can’t accept that I don’t want you anymore. I love Annabelle, okay, and I want her.” She abruptly stands and clenches her hands by her sides.

“But she doesn’t want you. Don’t you get that? She’s pushing you away because she doesn’t care about you like I do. I love you Joshua!”

I sigh and finish my water while she stands there looking furious. I throw the bottle in the bin and walk toward my bedroom. Over my shoulder, I say, “You don’t know what you’re talking about, Tammy. Just let yourself out because I’m done with this conversation and with you.” I close my bedroom door and take off my T-shirt and trousers before climbing into bed. I check my phone for any messages from Annabelle. There isn’t anything, so I place my phone on the bedside table and lie on my back. Tomorrow I’m going to talk to Annabelle and tell her I love her. We need to get through this. She is my life and I can’t lose her. I close my eyes and drift off into a dream filled sleep where all I see is Annabelle.