A Constant Attraction (Attraction #2) (6 page)

There is a fine line between having the respect of those around you and losing everything I have fought tooth and nail for. It is certainly the case in this situation anyway. Therefore, at this precise moment I know which one I am swaying towards. I would say that I have more or less convinced and talked myself into what is the correct decision make.

To do this however, I am going to have to take some calculated risks, but I can also see that in the long scheme of things, they will be risks worth taking should it all pay off.

As much as I enjoyed meeting Isabel's friend Erin, I am sure glad that it is now just the two of us again, as I drive us back to the hotel.

“Your friend is a bit...is wacky the word I'm looking for?” I briefly turn to see Isabel. Even though she is looking out of the passenger window, I can tell that she has a huge grin on her face. The laughter lines are a dead give away, so I guess I have hit the nail on head with my observation.

“She always has been, but I love her all the more for it. I needed someone like her back then or else I think I would have gone into a deep depression with how my life was at the time.”

I can't fail to register how Isabel's noticeable smile from earlier fades and wavers off from what she was saying. Her eyes move from the beautiful scenery racing past us outside, to her hands that lay in her lap. I have come accustomed to her picking at her nails or fingers when something bothers her.

“Izzy, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to or are uncomfortable of speaking about. However I do want you to know that if you want to talk about it, well then I'm here. I'll listen and I certainly won't judge. How can I when you have heard what you have about me and have certainly not judged any part of it.”

I see she is looking out of the passenger side window again and an air of silence has descended around us. I don't want to break it though, as I feel she needs that time to think to herself. And so for the meantime, I just place my hand on her thigh as an act of reassurance. It is a couple of minutes later, when I feel her take a hold of my fingers and squeeze, then her words cut through the air.

“I was a weak and foolish woman back then. I guess I still can be foolish, but every ounce of strength that I once had was bled from me by the man I was once married to. When I say 'Bled from me', on one occasion I mean it quite literally. He was a very intelligent man and well read. That's what attracted me to him in the first place I suppose, but he used his intelligence as a weapon against me and towards the end he also used his fist.”

I tense as I register the words Isabel is saying to me. Fucking hell! Did that bastard hit her? Did he beat her? Is that why she was so broken and afraid? When she told me at Ickworth, she couldn't find happiness with another man, this worthless piece of shit was the reason?

The thoughts and questions whirl around. I cannot help but feel the anger rise and burn from within the pit of my stomach.

The boys, holy shit, did he harm the boys as well? As much as I want to know the answers to these questions, I hold back so as not to put her off her train of thought. I hear her take a deep, slow breath and the touch of my thumb caressing her hand I hope, offers some kind of comfort for her.

“It was his bitter words and harsh actions which outsiders didn't witness, that hurt me the most. The internal bruising became so painful, but I guess after time I learned to live with it. For a man that supposedly loved me for who I was, he made it perfectly known to me that I disgusted him. The words 'Fat bitch' and the denial of any physical attention or contact became an every day occurrence. He said that my body repulsed him. The stretch marks from having the children were scars that he never wanted to see or touch. He would remind me day after day, that no man would want or love a woman like me, so I was a very lucky to have him.”

She pauses, but I don't know what to say or if in fact I should say anything. I relax a little as I hear her sigh heavily into the air.

“I can't remember the last time he held me in his arms or told me that he loved me. One day blended in to another. Days such as my birthday and Mothers Day, where I hoped and dreamed I would be made to feel that extra bit special, never happened. He made no effort what so ever for me. We'd wake, go to work, come home, go to bed. The same routine, day in day out. At weekends when you'd have thought it would be family time, he'd sleep in until gone midday, after he had been up till God knows what time in the early hours, drinking and listening to booming rock music. In the beginning I would sleepily walk downstairs to ask him to turn it down, afraid he'd wake the children. Or sometimes ask him to come to bed. He wasn't bothered. Eventually, I was glad he didn't come up to me, as the stench of booze filled breath stank the bedroom out, it was oozing out of his pores and the uncontrollable snoring was a nightmare. So when I think back, I was grateful that when he did get into bed, it would only be a couple of hours before I was to get up again. We didn't sit down to eat together as a family, so it wasn't long before I didn't eat properly. I'd go without breakfast and occasionally lunch, but only when hungry, I would eat and drink the wrong type of food.”

I hear her giggle to herself and she shakes her head before looking down at our adjoined fingers. The radio is on in the car with music playing in the background. My ears prick up at a song I know Isabel loves. Boyzone's, Love Will Save The Day is a tune I'd never heard of. Heck!

I'd not heard of Boyzone, but because of Isabel's constant humming of it around the hotel room, I do now!

“It was a vicious circle. In my comfort I put on more weight, his words cut deeper within and so I'd seek the comfort again. It sounds ridiculously stupid now when I think about it or tell folk, but it meant I had his attention. The words were cruel and bruised within, but it was the only attention I had off him. I tried my best to keep it away from the children, but I had no doubt that in reality, they saw and heard what was going on. I just hoped that he wasn't the same towards them. I craved for physical contact, but as time went on, I became numb to it all. He would never want to make love with a fat, ugly cow like me.”

I can't halt the words from spilling out from me. “You are not that Isabel. Don't ever say those words. He was blind and a complete motherfucking bastard, not to see you for who and what you really are. Your body is just a part of us that conceals and protects the important parts of a person. It's a shell to house all of the beautiful contents; emotions, laughter and caring nature you offer to others, so I don't ever want to hear you say that about yourself again, understand?”

She hesitates before slowly nodding her head. The anger I'm feeling right now, as to how anyone can be so callous and heartless is making my blood boil. It's making me nauseous to ask what I want to, but I have to know the answers to the questions that are impatiently waiting to be asked. Making sure my voice is as calm as possible I go for it.

“Izzy, did he harm you in any other way?” My stomach rolls and churns just thinking about it. I know she says that he didn't want her sexually, but what if the bastard had a power trip...

She slowly shakes her head, “If you're asking did he rape me, no. He did that elsewhere to other people.”

Fuck! What on God's earth did that, I know I've said it before, but that motherfucking bastard do? I've not thought so many expletives in such a short space of time, but it's the only way I can contain the slow burn of outrage I have for a man I have never met. I don't want to ask her any more questions on that. If I'm being honest with myself, I don't think I really want to hear the sickening disclosures that may come back as a response. However, it's these unanswered questions that are telling me everything I need to know. I quickly try to find somewhere to pull over in the car, so spotting a dirt track further down the road I drive into it and come to an abrupt stop. Taking my seatbelt off, I turn towards her. Wiping the tears that are rapidly running down her cheeks, I then take her into my arms. The only sides to Isabel I have seen are the fun loving and passionate sides. So seeing her like this is generating an ache inside, an ache I have never felt as a result of another woman's heartbreak. Resting my chin upon her head, I close my eyes and release a long slow breath. Even though there is no sound coming from her, I can physically feel Isabel shaking as she sobs into my chest. She puts an arm around me, as I pull her in tighter and gently run the palm of my hand down her hair that is draping over her shoulders. How strong has one person got to be, to take on the battle scars of possibly three people? I know I've had to deal with the shit I have, but I cannot even begin to imagine what it's been like for her. To take on something like this, of this magnitude and have to protect yourself and your kids! The realisation of what must have happening, shit! It must have been immense. My respect and love for this woman is strengthening by the minute.

Delicately I put my fingers under her chin so that I can coerce her to look up at me. Her beautiful Jade green eyes glisten from tears they have shed.

“Izzy, I cannot find any words to comfort you as thankfully, this is something that I have never experienced or been through and desperately hope neither of us go through it again. Just please believe me when I tell you that I think you are the most amazing woman and mother. No-one deserves to go through what you have, especially you and the boys. You are here though. You have come out of it the other side a better, stronger person. The boys are safe, happy and by the sounds of it, living their life as best they can, looking forward to the future. That is what you have to do now. They are both obviously growing into decent and respectful young men, but you also need to start thinking about yourself. So with that, if you will have me, I want to be with you every step of the way, with you and your sons.”

I know you are all probably thinking this is way too fast, another different 'me', the 'me' from four, five, six years ago would think the same, but this is me now and if it feels right, it feels right. No other woman has made me feel the way I do about her. Isabel makes me laugh and smile, both within and out. She is a true, real woman with no expectations or false attributes; she's a 'what you see is what you get' type of woman and I love her for it. Only time will tell what the future holds and we can take it a day at a time, but I want to be with this woman. I cannot see my life, my future without her now.

Isabel takes a hold on my hand and squeezes it tightly.

“Marc, if you mean what you are saying, then yes.” She pauses, as though contemplating what to say next. “You have learnt something new about me today, so my history is flawed just like yours is. You already know my views on relationships because as you've rightly pointed out, it's just not me I have to think about. I cannot go through the heartbreak again either.

I don't believe in marriage and I cannot have any more children, I don't want any more children. Are you happy knowing and living with all of that?”

I have never been happier, I just hope that Isabel can see that and believe me when I tell her.

“Isabel we don't need a certificate to show or prove to anyone that we want to be together. It's just a piece of paper and paper can be burnt, it can be shredded; it's not what bonds two people together. The feelings we have for one another are what matters and is the important factor in this. We can only build on the strong foundations we have already placed down.”

I sit Isabel up straight, I want her looking directly at me so that she can see I mean every word. Truth.

“I was going to tell you this later this evening, but I feel you need to hear this from me now. My main reason for me coming over to the UK was not only to present the results to Cambridge, but it was also to start my sabbatical. I have taken a year out to make contacts and connections over here, and possibly do a bit of travelling as well. I have been looking for places to rent over the last day or two, as in the beginning I wasn't sure how long I was going to stay over here for. Now I know I want to stay, I want to be with you, get to know you and the boys better. I want to connect with you more than ever. I spoke to the head of research up at Keele University earlier today and I am going to be working with them as well as along side Cambridge. Our idea's need to be shared if we're to find a cure for cancer and so they were only too pleased to accept my offer of help.”

My heart aches, as it beats strong and hard, battering against my chest. I feel the nerves as I don't want her to say no to this.

“What do you say Ms Chambers, will you ride this roller coaster of a journey with me?”