A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction (25 page)

Many people unfamiliar with counseling see it as the medical equivalent of going to a doctor and, therefore, expect to be finished in a few short visits. With psychological counseling, the timeline and frequency can be much longer. From reading the preceding chapters of this book, you probably realize that there are a lot of aspects to behavior, some of which originated in childhood. You are most likely familiar with what happens at an archeological dig, where an archeologist might sift through layers of sediment to find tiny fragments that add up to a portrait of life in a village thousands of years ago. Similarly, it may take you and your counselor time to piece together the information from your life and the life of your significant other for a greater understanding of present-day behavior to occur.

By uncovering clues from your past, you and your counselor may identify what are called patterns of behavior. A pattern is a behavior you do over and over again, without being consciously aware of why you are doing it. Once you have identified patterns and where the behavior originated, you will not only have a better understanding of yourself (and your partner, if you learn about his or her patterns), you will also be able to consciously make different choices.

While this may sound very time consuming and even tedious, it can be an exciting adventure of discovery that can impact all areas of your life. The rewards can be great, such as feeling less conflicted and more relaxed, less isolated and more connected with others, with less anxiety and more enjoyment of life in general.

Where to Seek Counseling

You will find listings of counselors online and in phone books. The credentials of counselors may vary. There are psychiatrists who have been trained as medical doctors. There are psychologists who have been specifically trained in counseling or psychological therapy. There are many other counselors who also have specific training in certain areas, such as sexually compulsive behavior. We would encourage you not to judge a counselor solely by his or her university degrees or credentials. What matters most is that you feel comfortable and trusting with your counselor. You may already be aware that, just as with an attorney, what you say to your counselor is confidential.

The cost of counseling varies and the counselor should tell you the cost of each session beforehand. In some situations, but definitely not all cases, your health insurance will cover the cost of counseling. There are also community and city counseling programs where counseling sessions may be available at no cost or for a minimal charge.

You may be referred to a counselor familiar with sex addiction by a family physician, a member of the clergy, a friend, a crisis hot-line, or, as mentioned above, online or in a phone book. When you do speak with a counselor, most likely initially on the phone, we encourage you to ask what type of counseling is being offered, if the counselor has experience with sexually compulsive behaviors, and what the costs are.

Many organizations list counselors online, and some of these specialize in sexually compulsive behavior. We recommend your first step be going to the website of the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, which has a directory of sex addiction counselors, medical institutions, and treatment facilities:
www.sash.net
.

Only You Know What’s Best for You

Therapists and counselors generally practice psychology according to what they learned in college, and in accordance with the approach of a particular school of psychology. Many therapists then put their own interpretations, variations, and possible improvements into their style of counseling. The point is that, just as every person is different, every therapist is different. Just as you may feel comfortable with or trusting of some individuals and not others, you may find yourself sitting across from a therapist and feel put off or more guarded than usual. You may just have the feeling that something is not right. We want to encourage you to honor that feeling.

On the other hand, when you explore issues and problems, you are not necessarily meant to feel comfortable. Opening old wounds or recalling long-forgotten painful memories can be stressful. As the saying goes, “no pain, no gain.” Although we do not believe that you need to re-experience pain, the process of counseling can, at times, be an unsettling and bumpy road. We are not advising you to stop counseling when you feel anxious and ill at ease; feeling uneasy can be a precursor to realization and change. What we are saying is that only you can discern when your discomfort is about your own growth and potential change, your relationship growth and change, or the approach, methodology, or attitude of your therapist. When you feel your discomfort is due to something about the approach of your therapist, it’s time to consider finding another therapist.

When the Sexually Compulsive Behavior Is Illegal

If you or your spouse has been involved in sexually compulsive behaviors that could have legal consequences and you seek support from anyone in authority, that person will be required to report your behavior. Similarly, therapists are required by law to report actions that have caused harm to others. However, if you have committed such behaviors, you need help, preferably from a therapist trained in treating such behaviors. At the very least, you may seek support for recovery by anonymously participating in one of the above-mentioned groups, such as SA or SLAA. In addition, for issues of incest and child abuse, you or your spouse are strongly advised to contact Child Protective Services.

Many states have governmental agencies called Child Protective Services, or a similar name, such as Department of Children & Family Services or just Social Services. These agencies respond to reports of child abuse and can provide protection for a child as well as counseling for both the child and the child abuser.

Ellis and Serena: Seeking Support from a Group

Ellis and Serena had been married for only a year when Serena discovered that Ellis, a former athlete and now a scout for a major sports team, had been frequenting strip clubs while on the road. Ellis explained that, for business reasons, he needed to go to the clubs with prospective players. But Serena soon discovered that Ellis had not been telling the whole truth, which was that he was also going to these clubs by himself, paying for lap dances, and even sex. He told Serena he would stop the lap dances and sex.

However, he did not believe he had a problem, even though he went to strip clubs as often as possible, sometimes even during his lunch when he was not traveling. But Serena could no longer trust him. She had learned enough about sexually compulsive behavior to know that most men had difficulty stopping. She tried not to monitor his activities, and he tried to call her regularly when he was on the road. Yet, they were still at an impasse.

During one of Ellis’s frequent trips, Serena found out the location and meeting times for a sex addiction group for couples. Ellis was resistant to attending. He said he would be away too often to be part of a weekly group. He protested that Serena should just try harder to trust him and, besides, he didn’t really have time for a weekly meeting. That was when Serena angrily asked him if he had time for their marriage.

As they drove to that first meeting, Ellis and Serena were both nervous. Surprisingly, this created a sense of connection between them; they were sharing a new experience. Once at the meeting, Ellis and Serena both relaxed a little as they realized that their own relationship was similar to that of others. As Ellis heard the other men being open and honest about resisting their addictions to watching porn, frequenting strip clubs, or having anonymous affairs, he gradually began to feel that he could draw on his own self-discipline as he worked through the deeper reasons why he was drawn to sexually compulsive behavior.

Over time, through listening to the experiences of the women in the group and hearing the compassion and forgiveness they had for the men in their lives, Serena realized she had been very judgmental toward Ellis. She knew she could continue to keep him out in the cold for having cheated on her (and lying about it), or she could choose to strengthen their relationship. She began to shift from being an indignant spouse to a true partner in his recovery. This transition in Serena signaled a willingness to trust and share a deeper intimacy.

After they had attended these meetings for a few months, Ellis could sense the change in Serena. He told her that, although he enjoyed being a scout, he would ask if he could be transferred to the front office of the sports franchise where he worked. That way he could be home more.

Jason and Allison: Seeking Support from a Therapist

Married when they were both in their twenties, Jason and Allison were now in their mid-forties, and their two grown children were away at college. During the course of their relationship, Jason had battled alcohol abuse and eventually attended AA meetings. He had now been sober for eight years. Allison had also wanted him to stop smoking cigarettes, but Jason said that it was too difficult to stop. Gradually, over the years, between work, children, extended family, and social commitments, their relationship had lost its glow and become routine.

Although Allison was not aware of the change in their relationship, Jason had felt neglected, and he began to cope in the only way he knew how—through addictive behavior. Except this time it was sexually compulsive behavior. A friend at work had introduced Jason to his lunchtime activity of visiting a sexual massage parlor. Although he said he would try it only once, Jason was now returning to the massage parlor almost daily, and had developed feelings for one of the women who worked there. To her, Jason was only a customer, but part of her job was to play the role of a lover who cared about him. Jason was hooked.

When Allison was consistently unable to reach Jason on his lunch hour, she became suspicious. She confronted him and was hurt to learn of his behavior. Jason pleaded with her to understand, and swore an oath that he would never go back there. Instead, he soon found himself at another massage parlor, developing feelings for another woman. Although Allison took this as a sign that Jason’s feelings for these women were not very deep, she was getting fed up with his behavior. In addition, there was the expense that this was adding to their monthly budget, an expense she realized Jason had kept secret from her by pulling money from their savings. She was furious with him.

When they discussed separation and divorce, Jason reacted with anger and sulking. He left the house in a huff and drove to a nearby tavern that he frequented in years past. He walked in, thinking, “The hell with her! I don’t need her!” He sat down at the bar where a few of the old regulars recognized him. Seeing them, Jason realized that they had not changed, except for the toll that years of abuse had taken on their bodies. The bartender was also from the old days, and knew Jason was an alcoholic in recovery. He acted quickly, setting down a glass of ginger ale in front of Jason.

While still eyeing the bottles of alcohol on the shelves behind the bar, Jason sipped his ginger ale and listened to the old regulars. He heard about their operations and divorces. Now the bar was their family. Although there was nothing wrong with them having each other as drinking buddies and “bar family,” Jason realized he had a family—a wife he did not want to lose. While driving home, he called Allison, told her what had happened, and agreed to go to counseling together.

They confided in their family doctor, who recommended a therapist who specialized in addictions, and especially in sex addiction. As they began their weekly counseling sessions, Allison and Jason both expressed their anger and frustration, which gradually gave way to compassion and forgiveness. Allison was able to understand how and why Jason had felt neglected, and Jason saw the origins of these feelings in his own childhood. Jason was able to stop his acting out, and Allison’s love for him was renewed. They made time for each other. Although it took many counseling sessions, along with daily conversations, they were not only able to save their marriage but to strengthen it. After seven months of counseling, they decided to go on a second honeymoon to Hawaii.

Exercise: Are You Comfortable Seeking Support?

This exercise is to encourage you and your spouse to sit down together and have an open and honest conversation about your limitations. Is reading this book enough to shift the behaviors you and your spouse have been exhibiting? It may be. However, if the behaviors are too entrenched and it is too difficult to change, or if a third party is needed to meditate your conversations, it may be time to seek additional support, either through groups or counseling for couples.

Here are a few questions to ask yourselves:

• How long have we had this issue? (Remember to be completely honest.)

• What has the cost been in terms of our relationship, our time, our finances, our work, etc.?

• How long are we willing to continue to live with this behavior?

• Would hearing the experiences of others in groups be beneficial?

• Have we heard enough about others, either through reading books or watching TV shows, to know that what we really need is to see a counselor?

• If you have trouble deciding right now, it may help to review the previous chapters.