Read A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction Online
Authors: Paldrom Collins
Merging, 191–93
Mischel, Walter, 126
Monitoring, 27, 201–2
Needs, unmet, 177–78, 183
Numbing of emotions, 107, 135–36
Objectification, 10, 16–18, 36–40, 91
case history, 16–17
exercise, 37–40
past influences and, 49
by women, 17–18, 37
Observer, the, 223–26
Past, 47–48, 51–52, 53, 55, 163–85
case history, 170–72, 174–76, 181
effects on relationship, 173–74
exercise, 182–84
experiences with greatest impact, 166–67
impact on the present, 165–66
limiting investigation into, 181–82
patterns affecting one’s view, 167–68
precautions when dealing with, 180
roots of in current behavior, 168–70
support from relationship, 178–79
transformative power of relationship, 176–77
trust issues and, 89–90, 167, 173, 179
unmet needs and, 177–78, 183
magazine, 9
Perfectionism, 107, 114, 156, 172. Imperfection, tolerating
Physical abuse, 167
magazine, 9, 16, 89
Pornography, 4, 42, 147
abstaining from viewing, 10
accessibility and range of, 9
capacity for intimacy decreased by, 24, 26, 197–99
case histories, 4, 28–30, 32–33, 50–52, 68–70, 197–99
compulsive behavior using, 49–52
disclosing use of, 77–78
early exposure to, 9, 89
effects of, 8–10
episodic chronic use of, 48
as fantasy, 14, 34, 49–50, 75
in a healthy sex life, 10
Level 1 sex addiction and, 44
“normal” compulsive use of, 12–13
objectification and, 17
online, 6, 9, 13, 14, 15, 17, 44, 50–52, 68–70, 77–78, 93–94, 156, 197–99
past influences/experiences and, 168–69
trust issues and, 89–90, 93–94
Prefrontal cortex, 7–8
Prostitutes, 4, 17, 25, 47, 53, 54, 75
fantasy relationships with, 14, 34
Level 1 sex addiction and, 44, 45
as stand-ins for specific person, 48
Puberty, 7, 9
Rape, 44
Reality, 31–32, 36–37
Real persons
engaging sexually and emotionally with, 45, 54–56
engaging sexually with, 45, 53–54, 78
non-physical contact with, 44
Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA), 208
Reflecting, 193–94, 195–96, 198–99
Relationships
past influence on, 173–74
reasons for problem in, 42–43
sexually compulsive behavior inside, 44, 45–47
support from, 178–79
as systems, 164–65
transformative power of, 176–77
undefended honesty importance to, 150–51
Remorse, 106, 107
Responsibility, taking, 112, 118, 158, 182–83, 192 “Rumpelstilskin” (fairy tale), 224–25
Safety, 152, 194–96
S-Anon International Family Group, 209
Scaffolding, internal, 166, 168, 177, 194
Seeing Behind the Mask (exercise), 37–40
Self-esteem, 30, 110, 167, 173, 177, 178, 179
Sex
biology and, 7–8
guidelines for healthy, positive, 57–58
lack of connection with partner, 4, 28–30, 44, 47–49, 51
Sex addiction
acknowledging issues caused by, 30–31
admitting the problem, 15
ceasing behavior, 96, 168, 175
defined, 5
discovering in one’s relationship, 4–5
financial costs of, 31, 54, 216–17
illegal behavior, 44, 213–14
intimate sex 23–24, 72, 75, 200
label of, 10–11
Level 1, 43–45, 64–65
“normal” sexual behavior 13–14
other terms for, 5–6
reasons for tendency toward, 15–16
reassurances (for her), 71–74
reassurances (for him), 74–76
shock of discovery, 22–24
signs of, 11–12
Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), 206–7
Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), 207, 214
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), 207–8, 214
Sexual abuse, 167
Sexual Compulsiveness Anonymous (SCA), 208
Sexual impulse, 6
Sexualization, 16–18
case history, 16–17
past influences and, 49
by women, 17–18
Sexually transmitted diseases, 78
Sexual Recovery Anonymous (SRA), 208
Shadow, 153
Shame, 5, 76, 90, 91, 96, 97, 104–19, 124, 126, 128
case history, 112–16, 125
compassion 108–9, 110–11, 114, 116–17, 118–19
exercise, 117–19
liberation from, 116–17
limits of reason and logic, 109–11
past influences/experiences and, 52, 169–70
seeds of, 105–7
undefended honesty discouraged by, 144, 150, 151
Shame epidemic, 107
Shaping Clay (exercise), 141
Shock of discovery, 22–24
Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, 212
Spiral, the, 222–23
Sponge, saga of the, 113–16, 125
Steven and Emily (past influences), 170–72, 174–76, 181
Strip clubs, 34, 75, 214
Support, 73–74, 205–19. Counseling; Support groups
exercise, 218
illegal behavior and, 213–14
Support groups
case history, 214–15
contact information, 206–9
Taking the Road Less Traveled (exercise), 117–19
Tanya and Brandon (sex with another person), 53–54
Testosterone, 7, 9
Touch, need for, 7, 8
Trust, 87–101
broken, 91–92
case histories, 89–90, 93–94
dealing with lack of, 73
exercise, 99–100
importance of, 89
internal structures of, 89, 90
intimacy and, 194, 201
in oneself, 26–27, 90–91
outcome of rebuilding, 97–98
past influences/experiences and, 89–90, 167, 173, 179
rebuilding, 94–97
undefended honesty and, 92, 97–98, 150–51
Undefended honesty, 27, 34, 73, 75, 134–35, 143–61. Disclosure; Lying
case histories, 147–50, 156–58
how to work with, 153
importance of, 145–47
making a safe place for, 152
past influences ameliorated by, 170
relationship rebuilding and, 150–51
as a responsibility, 158
revelatory truth telling, 154–55
simple truth telling, 153–54
trust and, 92, 97–98, 150–51
University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, 107
Visual attraction, 9, 17
Voyeurism, 44
Vulnerability, 27, 75, 115, 122–23, 124, 179
in action, 139–40
compassion and, 108–9, 110–11, 116–17
making a choice from, 138–41
road to developing, 128–41
William and Betsy (undefended honesty), 156–58
Work, sexually compulsive behavior at, 4, 24, 69, 78
Write a Love Letter (exercise), 202
About the Authors
Paldrom Catharine Collins
helps women and couples work through their sexually addicted relationships at Compulsion Solutions, an outpatient counseling service. Previously a Buddhist nun, she is married to a former sex addict. Her counseling focus has been to help individuals, couples, and groups find greater intimacy, more love, deeper peace, and more meaning in their closest relationships. She lives in Pleasant Hill, California. Find her online at
www.sherpacounseling.com
.
George Collins, MA
is a former sex addict and the founder and director of Compulsion Solutions, an outpatient counseling service that addresses sexually compulsive behavior. George earned his master’s degree in Counseling Psychology with a transpersonal specialization from John F. Kennedy University, and is a professional member of the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health. He lives in Pleasant Hill, California. Find him online at
www.CompulsionSolutions.com
.
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