A Deep Dark Secret (6 page)

J
ILLIAN HADN’T BEEN ABLE TO CONCENTRATE ON ANYTHING
her teachers had said today, and she was glad to finally be home. She was also happy her father still wasn’t there yet because she wanted to think more about how she was going to start this long-overdue conversation with her mother. For hours now, she’d been trying to decide on what she would say and how she would say it. Mostly, though, she replayed her mother’s words.
You can tell me anything, bad or good. It’s my job to make sure you’re okay.
She replayed those words and for the first time in weeks, she felt almost joyous and excited.

Jillian really believed her mom, and now she wished she’d told her a long time ago. Her mother had always shielded and protected her, well before her father had come into the picture, so she wasn’t sure why she’d been so afraid to tell her the truth.

But it would all be over soon. When her mother had called
this morning, she’d told Jillian that the workshop would end around five, but with rush-hour traffic, she probably wouldn’t make it back to Mitchell until around seven or eight. Which was fine because it was already six, anyway.

After an hour passed, Jillian tried focusing on her homework, but when she realized she’d read the same page in her history book three different times, she closed it and turned on the television. Layla walked in five minutes later and jumped onto her bed.

“What are you up to, little girl?”

“I’m not a little girl,” she whined playfully. “I’m a big girl.”

“Yeah, I guess you are. You’re smart as a big girl, anyway.”

“Yep.”

“So, what did you do in school today?”

“We worked on some new three-letter words and then we finger-painted.”

“Well, that sounds pretty messy.”

“It was, and it was fun, too.”

“I’ll bet.”

Layla held out her hands. “See? Some of it is still there because it was kinda hard washing it all off.”

“It’s pretty faint, so it’ll be gone once you take your bath.”

“Can we watch Disney?”

“Don’t you ever get tired of that?”

“Nope. Disney and Nickelodeon are my two favorite channels, and all the kids in my class like them, too.”

Jillian passed her baby sister the remote. “I’m sure.”

“Thanks, Jill,” she said, smiling. “You’re the best big sister ever, and I love you sooooo much.”

“I love you, too, Layla.”

“Oh, and once we get to bring our finger-paint picture home, I’m going to let you have it.”

“Well, that’ll be nice.”

“I like making stuff for you.”

“I know, and I love when you give it to me, too.”

Layla rolled onto her stomach and rested her chin inside her hands, and Jillian pulled out her journal. First, she flipped through and read what she’d written yesterday and the day before, and then she wrote about what she was going to be doing when her mother finally arrived home tonight. Suddenly, though, she wondered why her father was so quiet and hadn’t said one word to her. He’d made more threats that morning, before she’d left on her way to school, but that had basically been it. Whatever his reason for keeping his distance, though, she was happy about it.

Another hour passed and Jillian heard her father outside her door.

“Layla, it’s time to get ready for bed.”

“Daddyyy, just a few more minutes. My show just came on.”

“I’m sorry, pumpkin. You know Mommy likes you to be in bed by eight, and it’s already eight oh one.”

“Okayyyy. Good night, Jill,” she said, hugging her.

“Good night, little sister.”

Jillian watched Layla as she left the room and then searched for something to watch on television. She stopped when she saw a young girl, who was maybe seven or eight, crying and standing between two women.

Jillian listened, and it wasn’t long before she heard the child say, “Daddy’s been touching me down here, Mommy.” Jillian
couldn’t believe what she was hearing, but the girl continued. “Mommy, he’s been hurting me.”

The little girl was very upset, but what stunned Jillian were the words she heard the girl’s mother say next. “Just shut up, Kerri! Stop telling all these vicious lies.” Then Kerri’s mom shook her daughter until the other woman pulled her away from her.

“Doctor, she’s lying, I tell you. I don’t know why, but she’s telling a bald-faced lie. My husband would never do such a horrible thing.”

“Mrs. Anderson, I’ve only counseled with Kerri on two other occasions, but I’m not surprised by what she’s saying.”

The mother scowled. “And what exactly is that supposed to mean?”

“That I knew she was keeping a very painful secret. I just had this feeling about it, and today she told me everything and I told her we had to tell you as well.”

“I don’t care what she says, she’s a filthy little liar! Kerri, why are you doing this? Don’t you want Mommy to be happy? Do you want Daddy to have to go away? Do you want to go back to having no father at all?”

Kerri looked dumbfounded and didn’t speak.

“Well, if you don’t, then you’d better stop making up all of these outlandish stories. Do you hear me?” Mrs. Anderson yelled, grabbing both her daughter’s arms and shaking her. “I said, do you hear me?”

“Yes, Mommy,” she said between deep sniffles, her body heaving.

Mrs. Anderson yanked Kerri’s arm and dragged her out of the office. But before they disappeared out of sight, the doctor hurried
to the doorway and called out to the mother. “Mrs. Anderson, just so you know, by law, I have no choice but to report this to the Division of Children and Family Services.”

Jillian watched Mrs. Anderson storm out of the building without looking back and then the movie went to a commercial break.
This just couldn’t be,
was all Jillian could think. Had her father been right all along? Had he not been simply trying to manipulate her? Had he really been telling the truth after all?
Your mother will blame you for everything, and she’ll kick you out of the house for good. Our entire family will be ruined, it’ll be all your fault, and everyone will hate you from now on.
Would her mother yell at her the same way Mrs. Anderson had just yelled at little Kerri?

Jillian wasn’t sure, but there was no way she could chance the outcome. If she did and things didn’t turn out favorably, where would she go? Who would take care of her? Her father had already insisted that her grandparents would be just as angry with her, and since her mother was an only child, it wasn’t like she had any aunts or uncles she could turn to. Her only option would be foster care, and she couldn’t see risking that either, because she’d heard her mom mentioning far too many foster-parent horror stories. Then there were the lies her father had sworn he would tell about her. If he did, what would everyone think of her? What if Nikki and the rest of her schoolmates heard about what she’d been doing? And what about all the people she knew at church?

So, no, she couldn’t tell her mother anything. She’d just have to pretend that everything was okay and then promise to get her grades back up to where they used to be. She would pretend like never before that she simply couldn’t be happier, and then she would wait to see if God was finally going to answer her prayers
and put an end to this very sad and disgraceful life she was living. She would wait, because as of a few moments ago, when she’d heard her father summoning her sweet, innocent little sister, she’d come to an undeniable realization: Dying was no longer one of her options. Dying was no longer possible because if she killed herself, who would her father prey on next?

The answer was obvious, and it was the reason she could no longer feel sad, depressed, or like she couldn’t go on, even if she wanted to. She could no longer focus on herself because Layla’s safety was far more important.

O
VER THE LAST THREE WEEKS,
J
LLLIAN HAD BEEN ALL
smiles, and as it had turned out, she no longer had to pretend about anything. For the first time in a long time, she really was pretty happy, and it was all because her father had changed for the better. He’d even apologized for taking all those photos, and he never approached her in the wrong kind of way, even when they were in the house by themselves. She wasn’t sure why exactly, but she had a feeling that her standing up to him and then threatening to tell her mother what he’d been doing was the reason. He’d never brought that whole evening up to her again, and he acted as though they had the ideal family—like they were no different from the flawless families on some of the TV shows she’d seen—like they’d never had any major problems or issues, one way or another.

Which was fine with Jillian, because she was now getting per
fect scores again on her homework assignments and tests, she was participating full force in all of her extracurricular activities, and she’d even been talking to Kyle on the phone again every night. Her mother still wouldn’t let him visit her, insisting that Jillian was much too young to receive boy company, but Jillian spent as much time with him as she could at school.

“I literally can’t wait to get to the dance tomorrow night,” Nikki exclaimed while sitting at her maple desk, polishing her fingernails.

Jillian sat Indian style on top of Nikki’s queen-size bed, skimming the latest issue of
CosmoGirl
magazine. “I hope it’s a lot better than the one we went to earlier this month, because to be honest, that one really wasn’t all that exciting.”

Nikki turned around and looked at her. “That’s because you didn’t know how to make it exciting and because you were still acting like you didn’t want to be bothered with Kyle. Girl, dances are only fun if you have a boy to hang out with.”

“You crack me up. But anyway, what are you planning to wear?”

“My jean jumper skirt that comes just above the knee and the jacket that goes with it.”

“Well, I’m wearing pants because it’s too cold to be wearing any dress or skirt. I’ll probably wear some black leggings and my orange sweater that hangs toward the middle of my thighs.”

“Being cold will be the least of my worries, and plus it’s only the end of October, so it’s not like it’s winter.”

“It’s still really chilly outside at night, though, and what do you mean it will be the least of your worries?”

Nikki smiled slyly.

“What?”

“There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you for three days now.”

“And?”

“Remember on Monday when I told you I couldn’t volunteer at the nursing home because I had to meet with my math teacher? And that my mom couldn’t pick us up right after school that day anyway to take us because she had an appointment?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, that wasn’t really the truth.”

They normally didn’t lie to each other, so Jillian wondered what this was all about. “Then where were you?”

“I went home with Marcus, and we had sex for the first time.”

Jillian was stunned. “Oh my God. Where were his parents?”

“They were upstairs for a while, but then they left. Marcus’s room is on the lower level, so after we came in and spoke to them, we never saw them again.”

“They left you there all by yourselves?”

“Yep. His parents are so, so neat, and Marcus said they never trip out like a lot of parents do.”

“So, how did you get home?”

“My mom.”

“What?!”

“Marcus called his older cousin who’s in the twelfth grade, and he dropped me back off at school and then I called my mom to pick me up.”

“Wow. Weren’t you afraid of getting caught?”

“No, and my mom never suspected a thing.”

“So, what was it like? And were you nervous?”

“Yes. Very nervous, and at first, it hurt really bad. But then it got better once he got it all the way in and we kept doing it. I was sore, though, pretty much every day except today.”

“Unreal. So, did you like it? I mean, would you do it again?”

“Definitely, girl. And actually that’s why I’m so looking forward to the dance tomorrow, because Marcus and I are planning to sneak out of it.”

“To go where?”

“Somewhere behind the school and up in these bushes he was telling me about.”

“In some bushes? As cold as it is?”

“Girl, I already told you, I’m not worried about what the weather is going to be like, and I guarantee you Marcus isn’t either. We just want to be together.”

“I guess.”

“Plus Marcus is going to stash a big blanket and a couple of pillows inside this garbage bag, so we’ll be fine.”

“Man. I can’t believe you’re not a virgin anymore. I can’t believe you actually did it with him.”

“When we finished, it was hard for me to believe, too, but now I’m glad I did because now Marcus knows that I’m for real and that he’s not dealing with some scared little girl.”

Jillian kept quiet because she knew she fell right into that same “scared little girl” category and had no intention of having sex any time soon.

“There’s also something else I didn’t tell you.”

“What?”

“Right after Marcus and I started going together, he taught
me how to give him oral sex. And, girl, he now says that no other girl has ever done it nearly as well as I can.”

Jillian couldn’t help thinking about her father and all the times he’d made her do the same thing, but she quickly pushed all of that from her mind.

“I didn’t like it in the beginning,” Nikki continued. “But then when I saw how much Marcus enjoyed having it done to him, it made me like it a whole lot more.”

Jillian wasn’t sure what she should say, so she turned one of the pages in the magazine she was still holding.

“And you know, Jill, you need to think about doing the same thing. Because even if you don’t want to have real sex with Kyle, at least you could do the oral thing for him.”

“Kyle hasn’t even mentioned sex to me.”

“But you know he’s eventually going to, because all boys have to have it. It’s just the way things are, and if you want to keep him interested, you’re going to have to find a way to satisfy him.”

Jillian shook her head and flipped another page.

“Okay, girl. You’d better listen to me before some other girl gives Kyle exactly what he needs.”

“It’s not like we’re girlfriend and boyfriend, anyway, so I’m not even thinking about that.”

“But you know it’s only a matter of time before he officially asks you to be his girl.”

“We don’t know that.”

“
I
know it, because Marcus already gave me the four-one-one. He also told me that Kyle has wanted to ask you for a while but then you went through whatever it was you were going through and wouldn’t talk to him.”

Jillian could barely contain herself. Kyle really wanted her to be his girl. She couldn’t have been happier, but there was one thing she hoped Nikki was dead wrong about: that he would soon want her to have sex with him. Even oral sex wasn’t something she was willing to do, because just the thought of letting Kyle put his thing in her mouth was enough to make her ill. Just the thought of oral sex, period, reminded her of her father and sent cold chills running through her. What she hoped was that Kyle would continue being the nice boy he seemed to be and not at all like Marcus.

Nikki closed her polish bottle, but her face turned serious. “Can I ask you something, Jill?”

“Yeah, go ahead.”

“What was up with you last month? I mean, I know I’ve asked you this before, but why did you just cut me off the way you did? You wouldn’t talk to me at school, you wouldn’t talk to me on the phone, and if we’re supposed to be best friends, then I don’t understand why you can’t tell me. You cut everyone off, you stopped doing all our extracurricular stuff, and you seemed so sad.”

Jillian wished Nikki would stop bringing this up and would just forget it ever happened. Life was finally good for Jillian at home now, and she didn’t want to think about all the times when it hadn’t been. What she wanted was to put every bit of that behind her and move on.

“It was just some weird phase I went through. I’m not sure why, but it’s over now and I’m fine.”

“Did I do something to cause it?”

“No. Not at all.”

“Did someone else do something to you?”

“No.” Jillian’s tone was short. “I told you, it was just some phase that I can’t explain. It just happened, all right?”

“Well, it’s not like you have to get so upset about it. I’m only asking because I was really worried about you, and I was afraid for you.”

“Afraid of what?”

“I don’t know. That maybe somebody was hurting you. At least that’s what Ashley and Shelly were worried about, anyway, and that made me worry, too.”

Jillian tossed the magazine she’d been reading onto the bed. “Hurting me how?”

Nikki hunched her shoulders. “How am I supposed to know? They were just worried, and right before you started talking to me again, we were gonna ask you about it. But then we saw that you were happy again and acting like your old self.”

“Well, all three of you were worrying for nothing.”

“I know that now, but when you wouldn’t talk to me, I didn’t know what to think.”

Jillian picked up the magazine and ignored Nikki’s last comment. Now she wondered what everyone else at school had been thinking, too. She’d done a fabulous job of pretending to be happy whenever she was home, making sure her mother didn’t notice at all how depressed she was, and now she wished she’d put on the same facade at school. But she’d become so tired of putting on like everything was okay, all day long, and finally when her father had resorted to taking photos of her naked body and had continued forcing himself inside her mouth, she’d broken down emotionally, and school was the place she’d chosen to let her true feelings show.

Nikki turned back around, facing her desk, and unscrewed a bottle of topcoat. Thankfully, she didn’t say anything else on the subject, and Jillian hoped that would be the case from now on, because what she wanted was to put that miserable chapter of her life behind her. It was over, and she didn’t want to dwell on it or think about it again.