Read A Deep Dark Secret Online
Authors: Kimberla Lawson Roby
“He would, and he did. Trust me.”
Nikki turned and looked at Jillian. “Kyle, I have to go.”
“Who was that?” Nikki asked when Jillian hung up.
“Kyle.”
“And why were you talking about Marcus?”
“Because he was saying that Marcus and two other guys ran a train on you, and that Marcus also called you all kinds of names.”
Nikki frowned. “That’s insane. And your little boyfriend had better stop spreading all those lies about me.”
“He’s not. He was just repeating what he heard.”
“Well, it’s not true.”
“Then why would people be saying it?”
“I don’t know, but Marcus would never make me do anything like that.”
“Okay, then, what really happened?”
“Marcus and I went up in the woods just like I told you, and it was just the two of us.”
“Well, if you were with just Marcus the whole time, then where was he when those girls jumped you?”
“I’m not talking about this anymore.”
Jillian watched Nikki turn back toward the window and knew Kyle wasn’t lying. Marcus and his boys had treated Nikki no different from the prostitutes she’d seen standing on corners on the southeast side of town, and now Nikki was embarrassed about it. She was humiliated in the worst way.
“Nik, did they force you? Because if they did, then that means they raped you and you should tell your mom. You have to tell her so that the police can arrest them.”
“Didn’t you hear me?” she yelled, now looking at Jillian. “Didn’t you hear me when I said it never happened? And if you’re really my friend, you’ll stop listening to Kyle or anyone else, and you’ll only listen to me. You’ll believe what I’ve been telling you since last night. Okay?”
Jillian finally relented and agreed to what Nikki was asking. She went along with what she wanted but wondered if Nikki would eventually have to confess…or be like her and never tell another living soul.
Monday, October 27, 2008
I just arrived home from school and thankfully, Daddy isn’t home yet. All weekend, I caught him looking at me in his usual eerie way, and what I keep hoping is that he won’t start messing with me again. I’ve been thinking about that a lot over the last couple of days, and I also can’t stop thinking about Kyle and the really rude way I treated him Friday evening. I don’t know why I pushed him away or why when he’d been kissing me, I kept seeing Daddy’s face. I also don’t know why I felt so dirty. The good news is that Kyle isn’t angry with me about it, but I do wonder if the same thing will happen the next time we’re together again and all alone.
Jillian set her pen on her desk and looked at the photo of her and Nikki, sitting atop her dresser. Nikki hadn’t come to school today, but everyone had still gone on and on about what had happened. Word had traveled around the school in nothing flat, and Jillian could only imagine how hard it was going to be for Nikki once she returned. Especially if a lot of their schoolmates continued saying such harsh things about her. They’d called her every deplorable name they could think of, even worse than the words Marcus had supposedly called Nikki, and Jillian knew Nikki would never be able to take it. At one point, a couple of boys had even asked Jillian how she could still be friends with such a loose little whore, but Jillian had tried her best to ignore them. Later, she’d even seen one of them giving Marcus a high five, like what he’d done to Nikki was something to be proud of. Then Ashley and Shelly, her and Nikki’s so-called close friends, had made their own not-so-nice comments, too, which Jillian was very shocked about, and it was the reason she’d kept to herself most of the day. She’d even gone to the library instead of going to lunch, and if things weren’t any better tomorrow, she would dodge the cafeteria all over again.
Jillian reached for the phone and dialed Nikki’s number, but when she didn’t get an answer, she picked up her pen and wrote a few more lines in her journal. At first, she wrote a bit more about her trying day at school, but then she focused on the deranged way her father had acted right after the dance. Specifically, when they’d left Nikki’s and were on their way home.
I had never seen him so angry and had never witnessed him driving so fast, and I was terrified the whole time. He’d
acted no differently than some of the disturbed criminals I sometimes see on TV, but even stranger was how calm and normal he became when we walked in the house and saw Mom. It had almost been like watching two totally different people, which was very bizarre.
She wrote for a while longer but soon heard a door close downstairs. She knew it could easily be her mother, but something told her it was her father instead. Sadly, she was right, and soon he was standing directly in front of her.
“I just wanna talk is all.”
Jillian kept quiet.
“I’ve really missed our special times, and you really hurt me a few weeks ago when you kept saying you were going to tell your mother everything. I felt so betrayed, because no one, not your mom or your grandparents, loves you as much as I do, yet you’ve been trying so hard to turn against me. I know you’re still not all that comfortable with what you and I have together, but believe me when I say we’ve never done anything wrong.”
“I just don’t like it when we do those things, Daddy. I don’t like it, and all I want is for us to be like any other regular father and daughter. I want us to be normal like everyone else.”
“But that’s what I’ve always tried to get you to see. Our relationship
is
normal. We don’t just say we love each other like a lot of parents and children do, we genuinely show it. And that means so much more than you realize.”
“I don’t realize it because if it’s okay for us to be doing this kind of stuff, then why don’t you want Mom to know? Why don’t you want me telling anybody?”
“Because, princess, they won’t understand, and if you tell them it will ruin everything. I’ve tried explaining this to you for years, so why can’t you just trust me? Why can’t you just enjoy what we have and forget about everyone else?”
“I still don’t understand, and whenever we did those things, I always felt so ashamed.”
His tone changed. “Oh yeah? Well, did you also feel
ashamed
when you were kissing that little punk?”
Jillian peered at the floor, but her father placed his hand under her chin and raised her head back up. “Princess, look, I know you’re at the age where all kinds of little boys are going to start coming after you, but they’ll never be able to give you what I can. They’ll never be able to do what a real man is capable of doing. And while I’m a little embarrassed to tell you this, when I saw you with that boy, Kyle, I almost got sick at the stomach. I was so jealous and so hurt.”
Now Jillian knew for sure that her father had lost his mind. He must have with the way he was talking to her right now.
“Princess, I don’t just want you, I need you. I need you real bad, and I wanna show you.”
“No. I won’t start back doing all those awful things. I won’t, Daddy.” The last time she’d told him no and that she was telling, he’d left her alone for weeks, and she hoped her saying no was going to work again.
“Even after all I do for you? I mean, look at this bedroom of yours and all those clothes in your closet. Do you think you’d have any of this if it was still just you and your mom?”
“I won’t do it. I just won’t.”
“You’re really starting to hurt my feelings again, and I wish
you wouldn’t do that. I wish you’d stop before I have to do some things I would rather not do.”
Jillian stared at him.
“But if you force me, I’m going to tell your mother what I saw you doing to that boy when I came to pick you up. Remember what I told you on Friday night? That I’ll have no choice but to tell her about that blow job you were giving him. And don’t forget I still have all those nice photos I took of you, and if you force me, I’ll do more than show them to your mom. I’ll print lots of copies and make sure they get passed around at your school. I don’t want to do it, but I’m willing to do whatever I have to in order to be with you. I love you, princess, and if you’ll only give me a chance, I’ll show you that you don’t need some little boy like Kyle. Which the more I think about it, I think he’s the real reason you’ve all of a sudden lost interest in me.”
“Daddy, I have homework to do, and Mom will be home really soon.”
“Fine. But don’t say I didn’t try my best to make things right with you when I move on to someone else. Don’t say I didn’t give you a chance when I start spending special time with little Layla. My precious baby girl is only five, but we all know how smart she is for her age. She’ll learn just as quickly as you did when you were seven.”
Jillian’s eyes widened. “Daddy, no. Please don’t.”
“I don’t want to, and I never have until this day. But fathers have their needs. They have needs that have to be fulfilled and if one daughter won’t do it, I’ll have no choice but to teach another one how to.”
Jillian had known this day was going to come. She’d figured it
out weeks ago, and it was the reason she’d stopped thinking about the idea of taking her own life. The thought had still entered her mind every now and then, but not so much once she’d started praying and asking God to remove it.
But living or dying was neither here nor there, because she could never let him touch Layla. She
wouldn’t
let him. Instead, she would do, strongly against her will, what she had to.
“Okay. I’ll do whatever you want, Daddy, but please leave Layla alone. Please don’t mess with her.”
Her father smiled. “That’s my girl,” he said, sliding his belt open. “That’s my sweet little princess.”
Jillian braced herself all while watching his pants and underwear dropping to the floor. They dropped, and this time, he never even bothered closing her blinds.
I
N THE PAST, HER FATHER HAD ALWAYS MADE SURE THE LIGHTING
in her room was pretty dim, so Jillian had never gotten a real good look at her father’s thing before. Now that she had, she despised what they were doing even more. She hated this. Still, though, after he had released himself in her mouth and walked out of her room, she had reconfirmed in her mind that it was her responsibility to protect Layla and that she would do whatever her father asked from now on. She would take care of him whenever he wanted her to, and she told herself that at least he wasn’t making her have intercourse. Giving him oral sex was the worst, but it still couldn’t be nearly as bad as going all the way, not to mention she didn’t even have to spend time with him every single day.
Jillian finished the last of her homework and tried calling Nikki again. This time she picked up.
“Hey, Jill.”
“Hey. How are you?”
“I’m okay, I guess.”
“I called you when I first got home from school, but you didn’t answer.”
“My mom ran to the store, and I never even looked to see who was calling.”
“Are you coming to school tomorrow?”
“I don’t know yet. Maybe.”
“If not, I’ll come by tomorrow after key club to hang out with you for a little while if you want.”
Nikki paused and then said, “So was it real bad?”
“Was what bad?”
“All the gossip and all the rumors. I mean, was everyone saying nasty things about me?”
This was the last question Jillian wanted to answer truthfully, but she did. “You know how some of those kids are. They talk about everybody no matter what’s going on.”
“Did you see Marcus?”
“Yeah, once. But that was it.”
“Did he ask about me?”
“No. He didn’t.”
Nikki sniffled multiple times, and Jillian knew she was crying.
“I just don’t understand what I did wrong. I don’t understand why he won’t talk to me. I did everything he asked me to do, and now he’s acting like he can’t even stand me. I even called him last night but when his mom called him to the phone, all he did was hang up on me. He never said one word.”
“I don’t understand either. I don’t get Marcus at all. But, Nik, you deserve a lot better than the way he’s doing you. There are so many other boys that like you, so forget Marcus.”
“But I love him, Jill. I love him so much.”
Jillian was lost for words.
“He told me that if I did this one thing for him, I would be his girl from now on. He told me that if I did what he wanted, he would never even look at another girl again. He made me so many promises.”
Jillian debated whether she should ask Nikki what it was he’d wanted her to do, but she couldn’t help herself. “What did he ask you to do?”
Nikki broke into tears again but soon settled down.
“You already know because Kyle told you on Saturday. Marcus asked me to do it with him and two of his friends, and I did. I did it with all three of them, and now he won’t even speak to me.”
Jillian sighed. “I can’t stand Marcus. I never liked him, not even a little.”
“I just don’t get why he’s doing this, because I even let him do it to me without a condom. He didn’t use one the first time we did it, and he didn’t use one on Friday night either. His two friends did, but Marcus said that since I was his girl, he needed to feel all of me with nothing in between and that we didn’t need any protection.”
“Oh my God, Nik. You don’t think you’re pregnant, do you?”
“I don’t know. I’m so scared because if I am, my mom is going to kill me.”
“This is horrible.”
Nikki cried out loud again, and Jillian sat holding the phone. Maybe this whole conversation was nothing more than some wicked dream Jillian would soon wake up from.
But she knew this was only wishful thinking. She knew she was sitting there on the phone with her best friend and that what she’d just confessed was reality. What had happened to Nikki was real, and there was no taking it back. No chance to rethink anything, no chance to reconsider, no chance to reevaluate. The damage had already been done and now all she could do was deal with the consequences.
“Jill, what am I going to do?”
“I’m going to start praying right now that you’re not pregnant, and you need to do the same thing.”
“I will, but what if prayer doesn’t work?”
“We have to believe that it will.”
“How could I be so stupid?”
“Don’t say that, Nik.”
“But I am. I was so stupid for doing those things for Marcus and then thinking he really loved me. I was stupid for not listening to you.”
“We all make mistakes, and my mom always says that there’s nothing wrong with that as long as you learn something from it.”
“Speaking of moms,” Nikki hurried to say. “I hear mine calling me and she sounds upset. I’d better call you back.”
“Talk to you later.”
Jillian ended the call but when she thought she heard loud voices, she turned her television down. She listened, and it sounded like her parents were arguing. Jillian knew she was probably wrong about that, though, because her parents barely
even disagreed about anything and she could only remember a couple of times in all the years they’d been together that they’d even been angry with each other. Even then, they’d barely raised their voices, and it was never long before she saw them hugging and smiling again.
But when Jillian eased open her door and heard her mother say, “Byron, please tell me you haven’t been sleeping with another woman,” her heart skipped a beat.
“Baby, of course I haven’t,” he insisted. “You know I would never do anything like that. This is just some childish eighteen-year-old girl, right out of high school, who’s got some silly little crush on me. That’s all this is about, and she’s lying through her teeth.”
“Well, if that’s true, then why is she saying that the two of you get a hotel room every Wednesday during your lunch hour, when
you’re
supposed to be out doing claim reviews? And if she’s lying, why would she give me her phone number?”
“I don’t know why. Maybe she’s crazy.”
“But, Byron, she even says that you’ve been sleeping together ever since she was hired at your company four months ago.”
“I don’t care what she says. She’s lying.”
“Does she work in your department?”
“No, she works in the switchboard room, and unless she transfers a call to me, I never even talk to her.”
For a few seconds, neither of them said anything, but Jillian didn’t move. Then her father finally spoke again.
“Look, honey, I’m really sorry that this has happened and that you’re so upset, but I promise you on my life that I’ve never touched this girl. I’ve never even considered it, and if you think about it,
what on earth would I want with a child? Why would I have anything to do with someone that much younger than me?”
“I just don’t understand why she would lie about something like this.”
“I already told you. She probably has some sort of crush on me, but I’m sure it’ll pass in no time.”
“I want to talk to her.”
“For what?!” he yelled.
“Because I do. And I’m going to.”
“You mean to tell me you’re going to believe some fickle teenage girl over your own husband?”
“I never said that. But at the same time, there’s no way I can just simply ignore all the stuff in this letter. I mean, would you?”
“Of course I would. I would ignore it because I trust you. I trust you with everything in me, and no one could ever make me feel any differently.”
“That’s very easy for you to say, though, because I’ve never given you the slightest reason to feel otherwise. Not ever.”
“And neither have I. I mean, baby, come on. This is me. The man who loves you and who has always loved you. The man who would never even think of touching another woman, let alone some girl.”
Jillian raised her eyebrows, begging to differ with his last statement.
“But that’s just it, Byron,” her mother said. “She’s not just some
girl.
Legally, she’s a grown woman. A grown woman who is obviously tired of sharing you with your wife.”
“I really don’t believe you, Roxanne. I mean, not after all the years we’ve been together and how wonderful of a husband I’ve
always tried to be to you. Not after all the years I’ve tried to be a perfect father to our girls.”
“I know that, and I want to believe that this woman is lying, but I need peace with all of this. I need peace of mind, and the only way I’ll be able to get that is by talking with her.”
“And what if this gets out at my job? I mean, what if she tells other people that you confronted her? Then what?”
Jillian’s mother didn’t respond.
“Roxanne, baby, please, don’t do this.”
“Look, Byron, I love you with all my heart, but if I don’t find out the truth, things will never be the same between us. I’ll always be suspicious of everything you do, and I could never live like that. Even now, I’ve got a ton of terrible thoughts going through my head, and my heart is literally aching.”
“But—”
“My mind is made up. I’m calling this Deanna woman now, and if she can’t prove any of what’s in this letter, then I’ll never bring it up again.”
“Baby, please wait.”
“Wait for what?”
“Oh God, what have I done?” Jillian heard her father say.
“Byron, what are you talking about?”
“Baby, please sit down so I can talk to you.”
“No! Just tell me.”
“Okay, okay. Honey, I did something really stupid. Something so far outside of my character that even I can’t figure it out.”
“What?”
“Roxie, this will be so much easier if you’ll just sit down.”
“No. Now, just tell me.”
“Okay…it’s true. I did sleep with her, but last week I told her it was over.”
“You what?!”
“I’m so sorry, baby, but I swear it will never happen again. Not for as long as I live.”
“Don’t touch me,” Jillian heard her mother say. “Don’t you dare come near me.”
“But, baby—”
“Byron, I want you out of here.”
“All because of one mistake?”
“You heard me.”
“Look, baby, I know you’re upset and that I’ve hurt you really bad, but please, let’s talk about this.”
“I need to be alone.”
“Baby, please don’t shut me out. Please let me explain what happened.”
“Get out of here, Byron!”
“Mommy, Daddy, why are you yelling at each other?” Jillian heard Layla say, and went to make sure her sister was okay.
“Layla, sweetie, everything is fine,” her mother said. “Mommy and Daddy are just talking.”
“Mom, what’s wrong?” Jillian asked when she walked into their room, even though she’d heard every word.
“Honey, please take your sister into your room and close the door behind you.”
“Come on, Layla,” she said, grabbing her hand and escorting her down the hallway.
“Jill, why is Mommy crying?”
“I don’t know.”
Layla burst into tears, and Jillian sat down on her bed. “Come here,” she told her. “Don’t worry. Everything’ll be fine just like Mom said.”
Jillian tried reassuring her, but to be honest, she wasn’t sure how things were actually going to play out. There was no way to know one way or the other, but she hoped her prayers were about to be answered. She hoped her father really was moving out—for good.